My wife recently announced plans to separate and seek sex from other men (as yet unknown to her, she says). These plans were in the making for some months. After much talk and analysing she says that her plans were a cry for help and she would not go through with them. One of her reasons is that we have been together for so long that we are like brother and sister in our understanding of each other therefore the “mystery” has gone.
In one of the articles on this site "found evidence" is described as "Bombs", good analogy. I have discovered two such bombs. The first was an ad she had created in the internet featuring pornographic images and very unambiguous requests, I discovered this on our email in the verification stage (not yet posted). When I rang her about it she denied knowledge of it. I made it easy for her to deny it by saying that someone was posting this to get back at her (she upset some of our daughters friends). The used images she said at the time were not of her however now that all is out in the open she admits that they are of herself. The ad was never posted.
The second bomb was the discovery of condoms and personal lubricant in her handbag. By this time we were well on the way to patching up our situation. Their existence is entirely reasonable considering her intentions and would want her to stay safe with or without me in her life.
What worries me is that these bombs were planted with a lot of planning over a long time and not for me to find! There may be more. She might be using other boards to post ads, she has her own hotmail address that I don’t have access to (nor do I want to). We used to think that we knew each other so well that our thoughts were visible to each other, well they are not!

I don’t mean to be distrustful but I think if opportunity presents itself in just the right manner she might take it.

You SHOULD be distrustful! You have zero reason to trust her. She wants to cheat on you, and very well may be already.
BTW, You say you do NOT want access to her email account. Why is that? It could be very helpful and you have every right to information about your life. It could be literally life and death, you know. Ever hear of STDs?

Do you still want to be married to this woman? Please give us a little more of your story. Ages? Children? How long married?

Sorry i have not been very clear, but then thats my whole existance right now!
She is everything to me We are both 43YO have known each other since the age of 12, together since 16, married at 20 we have just had our 23 anniversary.
We have 3 children: 17yo autistic son not living with us, 15yo beautiful daughter, 8yo lovely son.
I love them all
She assures me that the disire to separate and experiment is past.
I don't want to have access to her email for two reasons first it would be unhealthy for us to no have our own space, on saying that i don't have any secrets she knows where I am right now!
secondly I would be devistated if i did find something more.
For now I have to believe nothing has happened, or will.
There are circumstances that need mention: I work a long way away across the otherside of the country (Australia)in mining camps. I have been returning after periods of between 4 to 8 weeks for 10 days or so. This of course will be ending the minute we get out of the imediate financial state we are in.
My Daughter leads an active social life with a procession of friends visiting, an insight into a carefree life maybe.
As i said she is everything to me and always has been she is my only partner...ever. I don't hold that distiction with her so it should be me that wants to "experiment", i don't.
I have learnt a lot about myself in the last week: emotionlly i am not very strong, I have only 1 friend able to help me and he lives 2 1/2 hour drive away, I don't have anything of my own every thing i do i do for my wife and family first and oh yes I can stay awake for more than 4 days and not eat for more.
I have been bombarding her with questions and I have to stop it is wearing her down. She has been unemotional about the the whole issue and says she is numb.

I am afraid from reading your story, that you want to bury your head in the sand. You are afraid to read her email for fear of what you will find.

Waywards lie, my friend. and as much as you wish to believe her, your wife has not proved that her desire to experiment is passed. In fact her claim of emotional numbness toward you is a classic symptom of a wayward mind.

The only "space" your wife needs right now, is the space for some private restroom time. "SPACE" is actually one of your biggest problems, with you being so far away, she is falling so out of love with you that she wants to find new playmates. I know this is difficult to hear, but if you don't wake up, you will lose your beautiful little family.

It is unhealthy for you to NOT have access to her email because it enables her to have a secret second life. AS YOU CAN SEE. Do you not see that having the ability to cheat on you is NOT HEALTHY? She should have no "space," no secrets from you. You should be checking her emails DAILY and keeping everything out in the open in ORDER TO PREVENT AN AFFAIR.

My suggestion would be for you to put a keylogger on her computer and don't tell her so you can independently verify she is being faithful. A good one that will email reports to you is eblaster over on www.spectorsoft.com

A keylogger will alert you to any problems so you can nip them in the bud early or it will give you peace of mind that she is behaving. Either way, right now she can't be trusted so you need to protect yourself until she EARNS TRUST. Until that happens she should be watched like a terrorist.



That doesn't make sense. How will sticking your head in the sand help your marriage? If there is a problem you have to know about it to solve it.



That is wishful thinking and not based on a rational thought.


Your marriage probably won't survive much more of this neglect.


Your marriage may be ending SOONER than that, though, unless you stop traveling. Then your financial state won't matter.


It is important that she answer all of your questions openly and honestly no matter how much it "wears her down." You have a right to know every detail to your satisfaction. Lets keep in mind that you are the victim here, after all.

Here is what it will take to recover your marriage from Dr. Willard Harley:

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

entire article here

I don't believe i am sticking my head in the sand I honestly don't think I would find anything. I have asked her if i would find anything there and she promises me thst there is nothing, while not offering to show me i am sure if I asked that she would. We need to trust each other, trust is a statement of love. We should be allowed to have our own secrets, hers upto last week were nasty ones. She needs me to trust that she has moved on from them, I am no fool if something happens i will know! As for my secrets I keep them in an "empty" box.
My rational thought is my understanding of my wife, I know i missed something this time.
I do need to finish up my job in Western Australia and come home, and I will. But my wife has spent all of our money and has left us in the red with a blown-out credit card and overdraft. The last mobile phone bill was $608. This is so out of character she has always been the money handler between us. I have total control of my income now and will pay her money to pay the bills and feed the kids. My job is very high paying so I should be able to fix all the money problems fast.
I need to steel myself for the worst. I need to try and set some money aside for myself, I need to have a life apart but not away from her. I need some options.
I wish she could tell me how to fix this now! I am no poet nor particuarly romantic but i try. What does she want though, It wont be romance from a bar or the internet. I can provide her with any physical attention she requires. I am fully functioning and have a well developed sex drive, I know i am probobly away when the desire strikes .
I am confused my mind runs out of control and i don't know what to do. This is eating me up. If i don't control my thoughts no one will want me let alone my wife. This has been a life changing event, I have thought things that I have never considered before. I have poured my heart out like never before.

jacleo, you should NOT trust someone who is untrustworthy. That is insane. This pretense will not help, but HARM your marriage. There should be no secrets between married people, that creates an environment that makes affairs possible. AS YOU ALREADY KNOW.

It is not lack of TRUST that ruins marriages, but a LACK OF BOUNDARIES. And those boundaries cannot be observed if you continue to have secrets with each other.

Asking an untrustworthy, dishonest person if they are being honest is silly, jacleo, and won't help you salvage your marriage. This blind, unwarranted trust you are practicing has already caused you great problems in your marriage. Why keep making the same mistake?

The solution to the problem is to move home ASAP and start meetng her needs. She is also less likely to carry on her affair if you are there and if you affair proof your marriage by creating an atmophere of complete transparency. Having secrets will obviously lead you right back to this terrible place you are in today.

I thought you were a bit hard lined.
Well up until a few hours ago we were working it all out. Most of what you predicted and I feared has happened.

So...

What has happend in the last few hours?

We came home from shopping to a massive mobile phone bill. It even shocked her, when i went through it she got upset. She then took the bill and took our daughter to work, on returning she gave me the bill back minus the usage breakdown. She said that she had thrown it away. Without going into to much detail the conversation ended with her addmitting that she had slept with someone.
I don't know what to do i idolise that woman. I don't want to lose her. My conservitive outlook on sex and love is going to make it hard for me to deal with!
I have been working so hard for a better life while she has been sleeping with a stranger. I don't understand?
My God this is killing me.

take a deep breath. It will get better from here.

You now need to get focused as best you can and determine whether or not this marriage is worth saving. You can not let emotions decide this if possible. I know its hard...beleive me I know. I tried to get my ex back for months and months - though it was the WRONG thing to do. I now look back and know that if we decided to work out our marriage, it would have been the biggest mistake of my life. But I was letting myself rule with emotion, not common sense.

Once you have decided if the marriage is saving - you need to get your plan together. I'll let others speak to that more. I have been away for awhile and wanted to come back to help others who are going through what i went through just last year.

Good luck and God bless..

VS

Well, to start with your Spouse is showing all of the "classical" signs of an extra-marital affair.

As you have already noticed she is becoming more and more critical of you. This is very typical WS behavior. It goes along the line of "a good defense is a strong offence". This is typically a method the WS's use to alleviate their guilt.

Something else that you may notice very soon is the rewriting of "Marital History". As an example, take any generic good marital memory that you have. Imagine any way in which it could be twisted to make the WS the "victim" and you the brutish "abuser". This is also a typical method the WS uses to alleviate their guilt.

My first order of business would be to find out what is REALLY going on. Do NOT expect the WS to give you the "truth". WS's lie... a lot... and they are very good at it.

Your spouse had already admitted to having "sex with someone else". She will likly not admit to anything more than that without overwhelming evidence.

Check out the link below: it will help you to really discover what is going on. And remember what I said about steeling yourself for what you might discover.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1


Read as much as you can on this website. There is a lot of good info available. Much of it seems counter intuitave but IT DOES WORK!

Start off with the info on Plan A.

If you have questions / concerns / need to vent. Come back and post.

One other item for you to consider: Moveing / reposting on GQII. There is a lot more traffic there and you are much more likely to get more responces.

Stay strong.

I am so sorry.

I second the suggestion to have the mods move your post to General Questions II. It's a high traffic area with a LOT of experienced memebrs who will be happy to help walk you through this.