OK, Swingtown is a new weekly series airing after CSI. It's about the 70's "swingers." Imagine, a whole hour of married people gathering to either switch partners or do it all together. I can't believe that some Hollywood writer thought that this would be a hit series. Barf.

Oh, the argument threads. Entertaining some days I guess, but mostly I just quit reading them.

I really think that PWC is a lost and troubled soul. He is in for a life of searching for something that he will never find. I predict that by the time he is 60, he will have had a trail of broken relationships and maybe a few more failed marriages under his belt. Kind of sad really.

Hey SL,

Checking in on you girl. How are you doing?

{{{{{{{{{{SL}}}}}}}}}}

Good morning, Queenie.

I've mostly been lurking these past few days. Little posting here and there. There really isn't much to say, in regards to Zombie; in my mind, that's all settled, going to see my lawyer and get the D train moving. I've gathered up most of my financial stuff, in case she wants/needs to see it. I'm as prepared as I can be. The house issue is WAY up in the air, so I am going to focus some time on talking to her about options. Custody is settled, from the LSA.

Anyway, as for me, I'm doing well. DS seems to be doing well, also. We just hang out a lot. Get in the pool, play some video games (well, he plays, I watch), play some baseball, football, kickball, whateverball.

I've started a new system with DS to 'earn' things (video games, games, toys). He is given points for taking care of his messes around the house and higher points for helping with general upkeep of the house. He earned 15 points yesterday, by cleaning the living room table off, wiping it down, cleaning up the bathroom floor and also points for being courteous and timely. I already see a change in his mind. You can see that LIGHT go on when you tell him to do something, and his eyes get bright, for he remembers that with good behavior comes reward.

Not everything is store bought, either. It could just be TIME with me, to play whatever games he wants, whatever sports, whatever reading.

It all started because DS wanted a used video games (probably ~$15), and I told him he had to earn it. Voila! Mommy must figure out HOW he can earn it. We'll see how it goes. I have a dry erase board that I am going to start keeping records on.

When/if he completely loses it and does something wrong, I will take points away. He's allowed to have frustration and express such, but lashing out at others is unacceptable.

Honestly, he's a really good kid. I suppose some of my hard work is paying off, and I'm blessed. Of course, he's only 6.

Wow, that turned into a mini novel.

Went to a party at my girlfriend's house yesterday for bbq--5 minutes from home. It was a hoot. I had been invited to TWO parties yesterday, so I chose the closer of the two (the other was about 1.5 hours drive away).

Feelin oodles of anxiety today. Fingers are a tinglin and brain is fuzzy. Must be from the impending visit to the lawyer. When I think about going to the lawyer, to me, it's just one more step toward upheaval in my life. I think about having to move, what I can afford, if I'm going to be able to keep DS in the same school, or twist his life to bits, too. UGH!! I so wish this part was over.

At this point, I don't believe I can afford to buy Zombie out, and then the thought occurs to me that he is just itching at the opportunity to have HIS house back , so he's going to buy me out, and get to live happily ever after, without giving a care about his kid's upheaval, and everyone else PAYING for what he's done.

I know I know, I can hear you all now saying "well, YOU'RE the one filing for D". Yeah, well, honestly, I'm not interested in living in limbo, and I'm not interested in taking blame for what I feel like I didn't have much choice in.

I'm just a little angry today. Can ya tell?

Meh, tomorrow's another day.

Boy do i know about the anxiety.

Wishing you luck today SL. I know it is not much but know that we are all thinking about you and praying for you and DS to get the best possible outcome.

((((((((((((((SL)))))))))))))))

thanks SC.

I know you understand the anxiety. When I get this generalized anxiety, I'm exhausted at the end of the day, and not just a little, but A LOT. Unless I want to go back on meds, I'll need to find better ways of dealing with it. Work helps, so my focus goes there. Exercise helps a bit, and breathing techniques help.

The only thing not settled is the house, unless Zombie wants to challenge our agreement, and go for more cutody. At this point in time, I can't see him wanting more, because he is dating, but who knows.

Well don't let yourself get too far gone like i did because it has been three weeks of basically non-stop panic attack for me. I should have went back on my ADs way before i did (had been on them before) and maybe it would not have gotten this far.

Just keep up the breathing and trying to focus on work. GOOD LUCK!!!!!

I would like to avoid the drugs this time, but may need to go back on Lexapro until the MAJOR changes are over. I have been mulling over speaking to my primary doc about CBT. She usually has some good referrals to psychiatrists, and I'd like to keep her in the loop on how I'm doing . I should go see her anyway, since I haven't seen her since before my surgery.

I'm still feeling fuzzy headed and fingers are still tingly. I'm also getting that exhausted feeling now, yawning a lot and feeling very drowsy.

THIS SUX!

Oh, SL!! It does SUCK!

Not much to add as I just got back from a loooong weekend of wedding preparations/cleanup/etc.

My mother remarried on Saturday.

Weird.

Now I kind of know how my own DDs are going to feel.

Take each step as it comes and know that you have to do this for you and DS.

What will this action REALLY change in your day to day living? Probably not much. At least not yet.

Don't forget to breathe.

Fox

Hey Foxy,

Hope all went well at the wedding. YOu are a step-daughter now. That is weird. I've been a step daughter most of my life, so I'm kinda used to it.

I'm doing okay now. Lawyer visit went well. I'll just say here that I have a better focus on what I need to DO and how to go about it. I was prepared, had all the financials that she needed, so it was a nice short meeting. I had to pay another retainer, which hurt. Ah, divorce, the gift that keeps on taking.

Anyway, thanks for checking in on me.

Hi SL,


Glad to hear that.

Anxiety! ...tell me about it...big struggle for me, too, which is why I avoid 'triggers' as much as I can. It's a little harder to do when in plan D.

...I figured that until D is final and 'uncertainties' are put to rest, one way or the other, we can expect more of the same...

...but you got through today...and that's what counts!

Hang in there, SL. I am dreading this as much as you, but I like the company I keep.

SL, I would expect the divorce process to be triggering for you. You're still going to be angry (that you have to do it, that it's such a waste, that the Waffling Zombie is so worthless but may still fight you), so take care of yourself. It that means the ADs, don't be afraid of it.

Sorry it was a bummer day.

SL,

There isn't much more wisdom that what everyone else has been sharing with you.

Sometimes we just need to know that others, as many as possible in fact, are out there, caring and walking along side us through this crap.

Triggers, feelings, changes, all those wonderful things that G-d keeps sending our way, wanting us to seek him for support. He works through us, but we direct you to him because he has plans for you. Plans to proper you beyond your wildest dreams and imaginations.

It's just hard and he knows it. But you are doing awesome and suiting up and showing up and that's all you can do when you aren't given a choice, but surviving.

That's a good one, SD. Thanks for that. My anxiety hasn't been like this since fall '06. I am going to talk to my doc about that, see what she suggests I should do (take meds, counseling, etc.).

Today is a better day. I'm not going to have this rule my life. I have good friends and a life outside of all of this, and I plan on focusing on that.

No 2x4s from me for unpacking a little We frustration on the Waffling Zombie. You held a lot in for a long time.

Take care of yourself. Those kinds of triggers are going to be more common now.

(((SL)))

(((SL))) We're walking with you to prop you up.

Must have been the margaritas!

hmmmm.....Waffle Zombie. I like this. Very George Romaro.

"unnnggggg.....need.....braaaaaaaains..unggg"

Hi SL,

I missed you. How are you doing?

Hey SL,

Don't ya just hate it when those Waffling Zombies start roaming the neighborhood? You end up having to take different routes in life to avoid them,,,,,but remember how slowly they move! You don't need to RUN to avoid them. You just need to have a good plan before you venture out.

So, do what you need to do to have those plans. Get with your doc about getting whatever help you feel comfortable with. If it's AD's that are right for you, then get them. There's no shame in that. I have a feeling, though, that you may be thinking like me in that regard - - that it somehow feels like a step 'back' after having come so far in learning to deal with the Zombie.

It's not. This is a new sitch you are having to deal with. Attempted recovery is much much different than D. Yes, some of the emotions are the same and it 'seems' that you are dealing with the same p.o.s. person, but you are not. You are now dealing with the Waffling Zombie. You are setting up the 'rules' by which DS is going to be impacted for the forseeable future, not to mention your life situation.

Tons of BIG stuff to face. None of it is anything that a True Goddess such as yourself can't deal with - - especially a Goddess that knows not only how to face this, but that you know how to pack the tool kit with whatever you need to get through it. God, counseling, friends, a good attorney (Like Shiny), a.d's if needed, the golden shovel, and even a wood chipper in reserve. All are there at your disposal. Heck, don't forget the golden lasso, the cool golden wrist bands, and I'd bet Chris and the boys can even gas up the Batmobile for a road trip if necesssary!

Girly, do what you gotta do - you Can do anything.

As Fox said,,,don't forget to breathe!!

{{{{{{{{SL}}}}}}}}

Wow, y'all always have the right medicine for me. That swift kick of reality and a dose of comfort to go along.

*I* know that I'm dealing with the Waffling Zombie. HE has no idea who he's dealing with. I'm no longer his go to girl, to get it all done.

He was peaved with me because I SAID I wanted to try to do this divorce without involving lawyers back in March. In the end, I did not feel comfortable doing that. I like having a consultant to guide me thru this treacherous path. It's a nasty business, and I could use some help.

I became miffed and wrote an email that was not scathing, but not very nice and pretty, either. I told him that there is no WE, and that I am going to do what is best for DS and myself. HE's on his own. All we have to settle is the house (n o small task, I know--rolley eye). There are multiple ways to deal with that. He's only seeing three. I buy him out, he buys me out, or we sell. Not really thinking about how crappy the market is right now, how UNFINISHED the house is, how his son may have to change his existence AGAIN, all because Zombie chose this. WE had no choice.

I feel sad, angry and, strangely enough, intrigued with the prospect of what may come. I'd like to see what's on the OTHER SIDE of all of this.