Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571
I responded to you in E's post. You should really tell your WW that and do it.



Married 1996
4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7
FWW 30's
FWH 30's
My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me

My story
New beginings
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
M
MenOut Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
Thanks, APF.

I responded to you then deleted it. I'm just afraid to post any info what-so-ever because of the possibility of prying eyes.

You've been one of the ones that seems most interested in my issue, if you're interested in what I have planned, you can email me at

Last edited by MenOut; 07/27/08 08:34 PM.
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
remove the address please, its served its purpose


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
RMX #2099265 07/27/08 10:15 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571
I hope you didnt mind I gave your email to my H. He is RMX. I will chime in my 2 cents here and there smile





Married 1996
4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7
FWW 30's
FWH 30's
My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me

My story
New beginings
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
Hi Mo, just doing one of my drive by drop ins. I am pleased some more people are here for you, and I really like hearing you talk about your son.
One day your wife will get her head out of her [censored], and she will very much apprieciate what you are doing now.

{{{MO}}}


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
M
MenOut Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
What am I doing now that you think she'll appreciate?

Last edited by MenOut; 07/29/08 10:12 AM.
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
M
MenOut Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
Man, I miss her so damn much it's not even funny. She questions if I really love her right now. Heck, I questioned it a few times, even shortly before all this happened. But, it's funny, I'm am more convinced than I've ever been about how much I love her.

Yesterday was actually nice with her. I saw a glimpse of the woman I've been with for 9 years. We talked a couple of times and it was REAL nice. This morning, she finds out I have a password on my computer and the venom spews again. The talking down and REALLY disrespectful attitude goes off again.

"Why you have a password if you live alone? You don't trust me? You think I'm going to come over and start snooping on your computer?"

I said I just like the extra security. Her "Lier! I don't why you just can't tell me that you just don't trust me and wanted to keep me off!"

Me: "OK yes, that is part of the reason."

Her: "Aaaaah, honesty actually does come from you."

I give her a double take while I'm putting shoes on my son.

Her: "I mean about stuff you don't want me to get mad about."

But, I didn't lie. I told her flat out I like the extra security. I just didn't say specifically it had anything to so with her.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Hang in there. Keep taking the high road, all you can do at this point.

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
MO,

I don't understand why you were not honest with her.

"I don't trust you. You are having an affair. You are not trustworthy right now. I know you can choose to earn my trust back when you stop your adultery."

Calm, respectful. Stating reality, not backing away and not flinging it at her.

Not half-truths...they can be contagious...you can catch them from her.

Higher honesty is called for and you can say to her: "I felt like I was with my wife again today. I miss her very much. I love who she is."

Keep discerning W from WW...they are not the same, though they bear a striking resemblance.

Orchid here on MB used to say, Plan A your W and Plan B the WW.

And when she said about stuff you don't want her to get mad about...thank her and validate, "You're right. I've been working on not disrespecting our marriage through my urge to conflict avoid."

Conflict avoidance blocks intimacy. It truly attacks your marriage. I hope you've realized this since you've come to MB.

Thanks for staying here, too.

LA


Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
M
MenOut Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
Yea, I still have a lot to learn on how to handle some situations and things she says.

My first reaction it to say something like you posted but I just have been avoiding even mentioning the affair all together. I don't even know why, but it's a mind block as I'm about to say something that brings it up.

I WANT to be completely honest with everything I say to her. I really do. But then my mind halts me thinking of the venom I'll see right after I would say something.

It's a mind set I've always had. I'll just shut my mouth and let whatever go as to avoid conflict because I feel that most of the time the issue isn't worth the drama that could become.


This whole thing is just a lot to take in. I already have million things on my mind because of the situation, then work and my son and dealings with finances and house and stuff that I'm now having to deal with alone. Then, all of this on this site just adds to it and it gets jumbled in all the mess.

I REALLY need an experienced person the have an ear piece in my ear when i deal with her because lose a lot of what been told to me in the situation. LOL!! I post things that's happened and then, through other's responses, I realize how many times I missed out saying or doing the right thing.

Last edited by MenOut; 07/29/08 11:08 AM.
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
MO,

Rest in your own assurance you are doing the right thing. You're standing for your marriage against infidelity.

Set your goal for clarity...sounds like that's what you want most in your life right now. To be clear on what to do, get clear on what you choose your actions and words from.

Revoke your permission to react...you want to act, not react.

Permit yourself and commit to listen and repeat...repeat what you hear her saying...hand it back. It's an act of respect and an act of clarity..."I hear you saying, is that correct?" Gets rid of the assumption that you perceived what she means, in the way she means it when she means it. That's a lot. If you don't listen and repeat, assumptions continue. Clarity calls for honesty "I don't understand what you just said. I heard <blank>, is that correct?"

You don't have to say the right words, in the right way, at the right time. That is what causes confusion and blocks communication. When you are focused on what you're going to say back, you tie yourself up. It's why conflict avoiding has such appeal...the old adage if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing. Not real and not really respectful.

When you go for clarity you stop your effort to be right, to convince, to change the other person's opinion, thoughts, beliefs, feelings. Which isn't respectful or real. Clarity does clear up communication. Permit yourself when you listen and repeat to confirm or clarify, to answer, "Good to know." A lot of conversation is sharing...and we often treat "unspoken questions" as real. Wait until they are spoken.

When you apply this to your life, do it in all areas...best practice is to practice...so when your emotions rise when you're listening to her, you can fall back on this new habit...which you practice with your son, your friends, coworkers and extended family. That's you helping yourself...being your own best friend and ally...which helps you in your goal to save your marriage.

When you feel your fear rise, breathe...seriously...in any conversation, there is room for three deep, slow breaths...helps your body, your clarity and your emotions. Acknowledges yourself...so you're not wrapped up in the other person and abandoning you. Helps you not to get tangled up in the voice in your head cutting you down "you're doing/saying it wrong! You're gonna blow it!" We are our own traps, MO. You're not alone.

Humans create drama from their perception. We choose our perception, perspective, thoughts and beliefs. That's the great news. Drama doesn't happen to us...we volunteer to be the creators, the participants. Unvolunteer.

Respectful communication is where it begins. Clear your decks and you can be present for clear communication. Will help with your finances, house, your son and other stuff. We live in the present moment, so it's reasonable to feel overwhelmed in it, with all our stuff right now. Reasonable, not real.

Each decision has its own moment. What you decide financially is decided...don't bring it into your continuing present moment again and again...conflict avoidance loves distraction...will worry at something already decided giving you the sensation of constant turmoil.

You're very present with your son, aren't you? The way you interact, being with him, very present? You may have seen him react the same way, time and time again, and then he doesn't react exactly in the same way the next time...you can still experience him as if he did, if you're choosing your perspective to be pat down and planted...we are changing beings. Be open and aware...of how much your expectations add to your own chaos.

Though your marriage is in crisis time right now, you can learn much to free yourself from past traps (and big kudos on your awareness of your CA) we built for ourselves. To me, this is an essential part of Plan A...as essential as exposure and respect...by eliminating our LBs to our partners, we remove our permissions to do them to ourselves, too...so stay aware of how much tushie-kicking you do, what put downs you say in your head...they are you and they really aren't about you.

You're whole and complete...not a thing wrong with you. Treat yourself well and you'll treat others well, too. You'll halve your pain and free yourself from a lot of confusion, anxiety and anger.

You are your own ear piece. You can do this. Listen and repeat cuts out a lot of noise we generate in ourselves from fear...let go her response. If you base your choice of words on her possible response, you will remain cloudy, unsure and unspoken.

If you base your choice of words on your own code of respect, then you will feel respected, strong and complete. We are not the cause, control or cure for any other human on the planet. Let go the outcome...it's not in our control. Only we are.

Be good to yourself...understand you are in a battle with her A...her A is attacking your marriage. Her choices. Not her. Separate this out in your head...your W from your WW and you won't fear so greatly when you interact...listen and repeat takes down the fear even more...for it is within your control, your choice, not up to her.

Breathe and focus on what is in your control (always was and will be)...you. When you begin to feel out of control, confused and lost...accept that as a signal to you, for your benefit, that you're focusing on outcome, her possible response, her stuff...not yours. Breathe and re-center.

You are a dazzling human being when you sit in your power. We all teeter and fumble when we try to control what we have no control over. When we stop acting to our code and try to manipulate the outcome. Outcomes...come. Consequences come. We don't control them. Don't waste your energy, your focus over there, 'k?

You can do this. We believe in you.

LA

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
M
MenOut Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
Man, this is TOUGH!!!!

She came over to drop our son off for the night and she looked gooooood!!!

I wanted to just grab her, carry her up stairs and, well y'all know the rest. smile

Don't worry, I planned A but it came natural tonight. I wasn't TRYING to do or forcing anything. I was just myself. I'm really starting to feel glimpses of the man I was years ago.

I guess all this self revelation I've done over the last few months is starting to take effect. Now, don't get me wrong, I still have moments where the situation or something just REALLY hits a memory and it gets to me, sometimes hard especially times when I REALLY miss her and/or my son. And obviously, the A itself causes a lot hurt, but in terms of just me, I'm starting to feel really good about myself. Feeling good about changing some of my biggest negative personality traits, etc. Now, I still have a long way to go but I see the changes in me.

I've REALLY missed the positive, fun-loving, optimistic, flirtatious, ultra-romantic guy I used to be. At some point a few years ago, everything turned to being "glass half empty" and it just continued dragging me down until I hit a decent depression for the span of a year or two. Maybe I've just hit a good spot in the roller-coaster and just speaking out of my mind, but it just feels nice.

But, I can't finish this post without acknowledging the members here who have really helped propping me up through the last couple of weeks.

Last edited by MenOut; 07/30/08 08:15 PM.
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
M
MenOut Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
Let me ask a question....

I keep reading on this site how the WS is hurt and traumatized throughout this process - is it true?

I mean, I don't see ANY hurt form her at all. She almost looks more sure of herself now. Maybe it's a front, I don't know. But, I certainly don't see someone who's brain is wrecked with what to do, who to be with and any guilt.

Did I misread something on here, misreading her or what?


She came by this morning, as she's getting in the car I say, "See ya, Dear."

She gives me a look as if I just called her some strange name and says, "Dear?"

I responded with, "OK. See ya, Honey"

Same face, "Honey?"

Me: "OK. See ya, Babe."

Same face, "Babe?"

I just smirked and walked back to the house.


I remember Sat when she was over, as she was leaving I don't remember what we were talking about but I said to her with a smile, "I'm saving myself."

Her: "Oh, saving yourself for Mrs. Right?"

Me: "Saving myself for who I've always been with." I smiled, gave her a wink and walked back to the house.

Now, I'm just being me, flirtatious and semi-silly; but too much? it's been a little while since I've gotten a progress report from the site. smile

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
MO,

You're referring to a FWS, I think...someone who realizes how much devastation they've caused through their actions.

Your WW is still entrenched in her entitlement, continually fueled in justifications from her resentment and lack of respect. Going to see false confidence generated from not being in reality...total immersion in fantasy right now.

Plan A is all about bringing reality...call her your wife. She is. To answer her query on your use of "dear" "My wife is dear to me. I miss my hot, faithful wife very much."

Smile. (You seem to do this well, anyway.)

LA


Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
M
MenOut Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
So, an update for the last few days.

Friday my wife comes over to drop off my son for the weekend. Well, as soon as I walked in the door, I could tell something was up with her. She was pissed with something and was just trying to hide it when I asked her how she is doing and so forth.

Earlier in the day, I finally decided to email her Mom, which I had contemplated doing for a week or two. I emailed her saying there is probably some misunderstandings and I would love to talk to her if she would would give me a chance to clear the air about some things since my WW says she hates me.

I told her about this site and how I did call her a dingbat in my original thread, but told her (since I thought it was private) I would have called her much worse if I thought little of her or hated her. But, I apologized for it regardless.

I gave her a link to a web page that I made a compilation of things said in my original thread, including both my WW's and OM's comments with some responses. I told her this was a fraction of what was said because it was long but I'd be more than happy to provide a link and my username and password if she would like to to read the thread in it's entirety.

I went on about how I I'm still fighting for my marriage, I love her daughter and I would love her support in helping me do just that.

So, back to that night. My wife tells me that one of my "friends" from MB emailed her telling her how much she is screwed, etc. I said, if that's the case, I know nothing about it.

So, she asks me if I'm happy with the arrangement with our son for this month. SHE decided to write on the calendar which days I would get him for the whole month. I told her, "To tell you the truth, I don't like it at all." She said let's talk about it. I said, "OK, let's negotiate." Well, we all know you negotiate down. So, I said, the ideal situation in my opinion would be she have him during the day and then he stays here every night and we can work out the weekends. Well, she DID NOT like hearing this.

She said that she works. I said I wasn't aware of this, which I wasn't. The last thing I knew was her going on and on about how much fun her and our son have had every day, picking him up from school, playing in the back yard every day, going swimming, etc. She mentioned possibly getting hired as a personal assistant, but didn't tell me it was a sure thing the last time we talked about it. So, I said, IF she was not working during the day, that my plan seemed the best in my opinion. I said, nothing gives you the right to decide when, where and how long I get to see him by herself, that there is no custody agreement in place so it's 50/50.

She says she has 4 jobs and on top of all that, she is a full time Mom. She kept arguing and yelling, but I just kept telling her, there is no custody agreement and nothing gives either one of us the right to decide when the other sees him. She tried to tell me how Texas law is and I just handed her my lawyer's business card and said she is free to call her and ask anything she would like. "Why would I call YOUR lawyer!!" She handed me the card back.

So, she just busts out of the blue, "You know we're getting a divorce right?" Me: "OK, that's for you to talk with a lawyer about."

She says something about inreconcileable differences. I said, "I guess you're right. You're having an affair and want to split our family apart and I don't like the affair and I'm fighting for the vows that mean a lot to me."

So, the bills come up and I tell her she needs to contact our debt management company to set up her own account with her cards. "Oh, you're going to do that to me now?!!" Me: "I'm doing anything TO you, I just don't feel like I should be paying your bills since you decided to move out."

I suggested also that we switch cars since the truck I'm driving is only in her name and the 4-Runner she has, has both our names on it. Again, she hated this suggestion. She threatened taking the truck during the night and selling it or giving it to charity leaving me with no way to get to work. Again, she moved out, the truck is only in her name, I don't feel as if I should be making the payments on something that is technically hers. We bought it for her originally and switched only because of our son.

She tells me my landlord has said a couple of times that he's going to kick me out of the house. Now, this landlord has been a close family friend of her and her family for 30+ years. So, obviously, one would worry about that relationship and how it relates to me being in the house. But, he has a woman that handles all his financial affairs. Before all of this, I had already set up a meeting with her to go over stuff. More on this a little later.

So, then it becomes an hour scream fest from her. How this whole marriage was a mistake, we were young and nieve, that the only good that came out of it was our son, how I hurt her over and over again, that she doesn't know who I am anymore, how she hopes that I'll be better with my next wife and it will not be fake, how there is a line between confident and arrogant and I'm so arrogant.

I was taking my son out to eat and welcomed her to come with us three times through all of this. She would just respond with something in terms of how she will NEVER go out with me. So anyway, she leaves.

I call the woman that handles the house for the landlord, I fill her in on everything going on and also how my wife was telling me how I'm going to be kicked out. She was very sympathetic and assured me that I would not be kicked out. She even said the landlord even said earlier in the week that, as long as I pay the rent and take care of the house, I will not be kicked out. I talked to her about changing the locks on the doors, which she was OK with.

While I'm out to eat with my son, my wife calls me to tell me that we can switch cars but I have to pay her half of what the 4-Runner is worth, then she'll take that money and pay off the truck. I just said I'll think about it and she hung up.

Fast forward to Sunday. I have been taking steps to set up bills in my name and change contact info and everything since I was to be paying this all on my own now. One of these things was our email accounts. She has 2 accounts through our service which, since she moved and I'm paying the bill, I shouldn't be "financing." So, I cut her off from the accounts that night.

Well, since I had her accounts, I could now be able to access her myspace account and see what intel I could get about the situation. Found some real interesting stuff. But, now I had access to all her friends. So, I messaged each and everyone of them, telling them that I am her husband, that she is having an affair with Xxxxx Xxxxx, that I love her and fighting to save my marriage and asked for support. I gave them an email address in case they had any questions. I've actually got some real nice responses. It's nice to see concern and support from people.

Well, Monday morning, my WW comes to pick up our son. She walks up and sees the new locks and knocks on the door. I walk our son out and she gets on me about the locks and I said she needs to talk with the woman that handles the house.

She then tells me my son's summer school is over with and that he'll be going to work with her. I asked where that is. She said she doesn't have to tell me. I said it would be nice to know in case there is an emergency.

She had scheduled I get our son on Wed and Thurs this week. I told her I have plans on Wed and I need to do it on Tues and Thurs. "I'll let you know!"

Anyway, so I start to walk away and I wave and say, "Love you, bye." Her: "You don't love me!!!" Me: "Yes I do". i smile and turned to go back to the house. All of a sudden, she blares the car horn. I finally turn around only to see her backing out of the driveway flicking me off the whole time. Mind you, this is all with our son in the car.

A little while later, she calls me saying that I have to set up a time for her and her Mom to get the rest of their stuff from the house, that they are getting a moving truck. I said I'll let her know.

A couple of hours later, she calls me again.

"Did you do something to my myspace account?"
"Yes"
"Did you change the password?"
"Yes"
"Why did you do this?"
"I'm taking steps to fight for my family and marriage and I didn't want you to interfere with it."
"Even if you got support, what makes you think there is anything to support?
When are you going to change it back?"
"Once it serves it's purpose, I'll put it back like it was."
"Did you change my email accounts?"
"Yes. You moved out and i don't feel I should be paying for your stuff."
"If you don't change my password back by the end of the day, it's war!!"
"So, we set for me having our son on Tuesday?"
CLICK

So, she calls me again a little later. I tell her she can give me a list of things they want to take from the house and I'll get them ready for her. She yells about how I'll be right there to watch her, so she can go in, get her stuff and leave. I repeated what I said. She starts yelling a list of items that they should take and how they'll get a cop out there if they have to. Then she says they are taking my son's bed. I said, "Maybe we will need that cop because I don't agree with taking his bad from his home." Her: "My Mom bought that bed for her house and only loaned it to us until you got off your sorry *** and bought a new one."

So, she twists it back to talking about how shabby our marriage was again. Again, she yells and screams about how she now wishes she had never met me, that I hurt her time and time again, that I'm living in a fantasy world if I think that our marriage was any better or there is any chance of us for the future, how there may have been some roses but the garden was always dead. She then starts to blame me for this whole situation and I just had enough of it right there. I said, "I'm am not going to listen to you blame me for everything going on anymore. You can talk all you want about how bad me and our marriage was, but you and me both know deep down it was nowhere close to what you're making it out to be. You decided to have an affair, you decided to break apart our family, you decided to move out and take our son with you. I know my part in the marriage but I will not listen to you blame me for everything anymore."

My son and when I see him this week comes up again (Tues & Thurs) and then she all of a sudden volunteers me having him Friday as well.

Anyway, it's like I'm not even talking to my wife. I've talked to her when she's been mad, but this is a different woman. Her voice is nothing I've heard before. It's creepy sounding. I finally got sick of her talking down to me so I told her, if she can't remain talking mature, then we need to end this phone conversation. CLICK

That night, come to find out, she hacked into my myspace account and screwed it over. She deleted everything and put my heading as, "Hi, I'm a ****head!" And then put a comment at the top about how I'm not the man I THINK I am.

So, last night I get home and call my wife to a) find out if she's even giving me our son for the night and b) let her know I'm home so she can if she was.

Half hour later, her Mom drives up and honks the horn. Now, when my FIL passed a couple of years ago (MAN, I miss him right now), they went through his stuff and gave me some of his sports memorabilia. My wife took most if not all of it a couple of months ago through this whole process. So, I go and get our son out of her car, and she asks that I give her any baseball cards I might have of his. I just told her that I'll look through them and let her know.

So, today my wife calls me and says I need to let her know when she can come over to pick up her and her Mom's stuff. She says she needs to know ASAP so she can tell others but that it has to be early on Sat.

Anyway, so that's the update. Drama, drama. She doesn't want to be around me and they are demanding they take stuff from the house, even our son's bed.

Thoughts?

Last edited by MenOut; 08/06/08 03:57 PM.
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
M
MenOut Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
And I fear for my son's well-being. I don't know what my wife and/or her Mom will do.

I mean, if they are willing to demand taking his bed from his room because they are mad at me, who knows what degree they will go or how they might put him in the middle of all of this.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
You're really doing well. Good job.

Call your lawyer and ask him what she has the right to take from the house. Follow his instructions exactly. Ask him to put it in writing so you can give her a copy when she comes.

Gather up what he says she can have, put it all on the driveway early Saturday morning, so that it's all out there and waiting when she drives up. You don't even have to talk to her. Of course, if your lawyer says you don't have to give her the bed, she'll be pounding on the door. You might put a note on the door explaining why she's not getting the bed and informing her that you have already informed the local police that there might be an altercation at your home, in case she decides to try to break in. Have the number ready to dial. Then, just sit down on the couch, put in a good movie, put your headphones on, and wait for the storm to blow over.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Originally Posted by MenOut
And I fear for my son's well-being. I don't know what my wife and/or her Mom will do.

I mean, if they are willing to demand taking his bed from his room because they are mad at me, who knows what degree they will go or how they might put him in the middle of all of this.
Document every single thing she or her family says regarding him, document every single thing he does that you're aware of, where he goes, who he spends time with, how she is making him go to work with her, etc. Might let her know you are doing so. That might make her a little more careful.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Quote
Call your lawyer and ask him what she has the right to take from the house. Follow his instructions exactly. Ask him to put it in writing so you can give her a copy when she comes.

Gather up what he says she can have, put it all on the driveway early Saturday morning, so that it's all out there and waiting when she drives up. You don't even have to talk to her. Of course, if your lawyer says you don't have to give her the bed, she'll be pounding on the door. You might put a note on the door explaining why she's not getting the bed and informing her that you have already informed the local police that there might be an altercation at your home, in case she decides to try to break in. Have the number ready to dial. Then, just sit down on the couch, put in a good movie, put your headphones on, and wait for the storm to blow over.

This is EXCELLENT advice. Please follow it. It might also behoove you to carry around a recorder when you are speaking with her in person. Don't hide it. Make it very visible. If she asks about it, let her know that you really don't know the person she has become or what she is capable of so you are protecting yourself by making a record of all conversations with her. This way, she will be less likely to try and make a scene and get cops involved by making false accusations against you.

I also agree with keeping a journal or a log of everything if you need it later on for custody reasons.

The important thing here is to show her that all her screaming, ranting and raving isn't going to move you anymore. You will not "react" to that behavior. Just imagine the adults in Charlie Brown that only have "blah blah blah" to say.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
M
MenOut Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by catperson
You're really doing well. Good job.

Call your lawyer and ask him what she has the right to take from the house. Follow his instructions exactly. Ask him to put it in writing so you can give her a copy when she comes.

Gather up what he says she can have, put it all on the driveway early Saturday morning, so that it's all out there and waiting when she drives up. You don't even have to talk to her. Of course, if your lawyer says you don't have to give her the bed, she'll be pounding on the door. You might put a note on the door explaining why she's not getting the bed and informing her that you have already informed the local police that there might be an altercation at your home, in case she decides to try to break in. Have the number ready to dial. Then, just sit down on the couch, put in a good movie, put your headphones on, and wait for the storm to blow over.

Thanks, Cat. These are steps I was already planning on doing, but you helped confirm my thoughts.

Page 7 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5