She won't be hearing him anyway. Not in the wayward state of mind.

Tell you what, Bub, I betcha dollars to doughnuts that she's going to appease you and it's a way to try and find an easy way out of your marriage for her.

This is what the waywards think: "If I can get him/her to go to MC then I can find an easy way out of this marriage so I can be with the one I truly love and then I won't have to worry about my BS's state of mind."

Charlotte

Ah, but I don't have access 2 that 4um. So it's still hearsay since it's not posted by him and it's not in his publications.

Why doesn't he post about such a key (or not) part of the MB methods in the publicly accessible 4ums?

-ol' 2long

I did

You are probably right. I do believe that those are my wifes exact intentions.

If my counselor doesnt say anything about exposure then what does it hurt to wait til after our first session.

And no I dont expect the counselor to be able to end the A. You didnt read what I read.

But if it puts and inkling of doubt or remorse in her head and if she likes the counselor, then when i do expose and she is pissed she is going to be more likely to go back to the counselor.

Your W is currently a WW...not a W. She is NOT going to magically start being remorseful from speaking with a counselor. She is NOT going to get an inkling of doubt about her current affair from a counselor. And, if she does end up liking the counselor, it will be because either a) he his pro-divorce or b) he tells you to give her space.

You have 2 choices, from what I can tell...

1. Remain status quo, and enable your WW's affair, while hoping someone outside your M (MC) will save it for you, while your WW continues to have secret phone sex with her lover.

or

2. Call OMW and tell her everything you know...take some [censored] from your WW...but, at least OM won't be available to her anymore (trust me...he'll be so tied up with his family, WW won't hear from him for a looong time...if ever)


Your MC is not going to get your WW to end her affair.

BFR, have you asked yourself why every single person who has responded to you has said "EXPOSE NOW!!!" and not one has said "hmm, you may be on to something, there - I think you're right to wait until after the counseling session."

Wonder why that is?

To reiterate Turtlehead......


EXPOSE NOW !!!!!!!!!!

nope, its not hearsay, those posts are right here on this forum and can be verified. Thats not hearsay.

dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source - Share This
hear·say Audio Help /ˈhɪərˌseɪ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[heer-sey] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun 1. unverified, unofficial information gained or acquired from another and not part of one's direct knowledge: I pay no attention to hearsay.

I'm one of those that chose NOT to expose when I found out about my FWW's A, and I can tell you now with absolute certainty that, having gone through what I have for the last 3+ years trying to recover our M, if I had to do it again I would choose to expose the A immediately - to WW's parents, to my parents, to the OM's GF, and to their place of work.

Just do it.

I thought you said it was on one of the Weekend 4ums, which are only accessible 2 those who've gone 2 an MB weekend. If that's the case, then it's not "right here on this forum" and it is hearsay.

-ol' 2long

Surely you can access that part of the Marriage Builders forums? Are you saying in all these years you have never bothered to go to a Marriage Builders weekend? wow, thats a surprise..

Even so, hearsay is "unverified" information, and this can be verified so its not hearsay. Sorry..

I see! I've "never bothered 2 go 2 a Marriage Builders weekend!"

Why the Gehenna do I try 2 have a conversation with a condescending person such as yourself?

I wonder how many general members here have similarly "not bothered" 2 attend an MB weekend?


Apparently, until I bother 2 attend an MB weekend, I can't verify this information is Dr Harley's own words, so it remains hearsay. Sorry.

-ol' 2long

How sad you have never been, what a huge miss! We enjoyed it very much. However, just because YOU can't verify it yourself, doesn't mean it's "unverifiable." Therefore, not hearsay.


Hope you get to one some day.

Can I butt in here you guys....thanks.


CALL OMW !!!!!!!!

You are worried that WW will not got to MC if you expose.

It is proven that MC is a Waste of money and time when a WS is invoved in an affair.

So getting your WW their is pointless. Especially when the councilor will give your WW the heads up about your exposing WW.

I would be more worried that why am I sitting there doing nothing that will be effective to stop the OM from banging my wife.

I doubt I ever will attend one, as I can't go alone. And I don't think my W will ever be interested. But you never know. She's changing faster than I can keep track, these days.

But because I can't verify it for myself, it IS hearsay.

The reason I keep coming back 2 this particular issue is that, if Dr Harley says it some places and not others, it sounds contradictory, like having the MB plans in the first place but stating that he'd quickly DV if his own W had an affair (2 tell you the truth, I doubt very much he would DV in the very unlikely even his W did cheat at this point, because they have such a long his2ry 2gether - which is why most people who come here choose 2 rebuild). Steve told me he believes in surgical exposure, and didn't even think that I needed 2 expose 2 my son when I did (this past spring). And truthfully, it didn't change anything - even my son's view of his mom.

So, if WH really believes nuclear exposure is better for rebuilding marriages than surgical exposure, then I'd really like 2 hear him say that himself. Especially with an explanation.

Right smack dab here would be just fine.

In the original poster's si2ation, I think exposure 2 the OMW is a no-brainer - she deserves 2 know so that she can make her own decisions, whatever they may be. The next most useful reason 2 expose 2 her is 2 keep the OM from continuing this selfish behavior with other people's wives.

-ol' 2long

Well no, it is not. Hearsay is defined as "unverifiable," not just limited by your inability to see that forum. It is verifiable. And you know that.

I do hope you can go to a MB weekend some day. I think both of you would benefit greatly.



But, there is no contradiction at all, that makes no sense. Dr. Harley never says he believes in saving every marriage. Just because he would choose to divorce does not mean there are others who do not want that. A contradiction would be if he said "all marriages should be saved" and then said he wouldn't save his.

And I doubt you know better than what he would do if Joyce had an affair. That is not a credible assertion. You have never met the man.


Steve told you what to do for your situation. He tells others what to do in their situations. He has told some BS' to hang up and call the OMW right then. He has told others to picket the business place of the OM. He has told others to do "everything short of taking out a billboard." So using your own personal situation as some sort of RULE is misleading.

Even so, Steve tends to have different tactics than Dr Harley. They are different people. They both believe in exposure. I have showed you Dr Harley's posts and he discussed it frequently on his radio show.


And others might feel differently. Personally, I have advocated exposure to the OMW, but others might be necessary. We all want to help him end the affair, we will likely have different ideas about the best way to effect it. Yours is not necessarily the best way.

Did you mean SH? If so, I would like to see your PROOF he said that about "surgical exposure."

Otherwise it is just hearsay. Right here, please.

Right.

Still hearsay. Even if you post direct quotes here, I have no way of verifying that they're from WH, or whether the context is preserved. Are you the official spokesperson for Dr Harley?

Considering SH and WH have different approaches, and offer different, customized plans 2 their clients, who are we 2 give ANY advice about exposure, which is not discussed in the publicly-available books and web articles?

Since you have apparently met SH in person (I can't remember if you've coached with him yourself), then maybe you have heard him advocate surgical exposure and can verify 2 your own satisfaction.

I won't discuss coach/client privilege info on this 4um.

But yes, it is hearsay from your perspective, particularly if I'd quoted him. I wouldn't expect you 2 take it as gospel without verifying it yourself.

-ol' 2long