Delphi - <P>Why is it that you are so interested in telling me what the betrayer (in this case a wandering husband) is thinking or doing since you are the OW how clearly has obtained her goal - taken a married man away from his wife? Why is it that you are here on this board posting? I'm confused about why you would want to "help" me with this situation when you are where Mia is right now.<P>As far as Mia calling my H, I very much doubt she did. The mutual friend they have at work is a very close friend to both of them. I don't doubt she knows what is going on.

TL,<P>I am the betrayed. H's six month affair was with a 25 year old skank. I know the pain, the anger. But woman, you have got to get a grip. <P>I have read a lot of your posts. There have been some (Sheba, for example) who have asked you basic questions, i.e. Do you want to save your marriage-which you have not really answered, maybe because you can't make up your mind-and some people have tried to help you.<P>This woman Delphi has given you sound advice, whoever she is, whatever she has done or not done---she has tried to help you, and has given you a very valuable viewpoint from the other side. Her words have proven to be true.<BR>What happened between her, the H and his W is not something you have a right to judge her for. If you read her post, I believe it said that it was a year and a half from the time they stopped all contact to the time they got back together. She is trying to HELP you, and you cannot see past your own hurt and anger to reach out and take that help. WAKE UP!!!<P>If you have any desire at all to get your husband back, you need to find some self control. Because right now, your are not only destroying your marriage (what's left of it), and any chance of it's survival, but you are destroying your self as a decent, loving human being. Believe me, I know exactly how hard this is to do. But one of Harley's principles really makes sense here: do not be the cause of your spouse's unhappiness. If you still love him---I mean really, deep down inside, under all the hurt that he has caused, under all the pain---love him, despite what he's done "to" you, you do not want this man to hurt. You cannot keep lashing out at him and expect him to take it---he won't, especially if he still thinks that he has feelings for Mia.<P>You can't control what your husband thinks or feels or does. But you can control yourself...you can control what you do, what you say to him, and what you treat him like. This will either make it or break it. I fight daily with myself not to come out with sh*tty comments to make my H feel bad (bite tongue very, very hard). I struggle constantly with the thoughts of what happened, what they did, what he treated me like, etc, etc, ad nauseum. I have to control the serious urge to re-arrange the OW's face when I sometimes run into her. But ya know what??? SHE will not WIN. SHE will NOT control what I do. SHE does not have my H, and SHE will never have him again. SHE will not do these things, because by MY actions, I will NOT ALLOW HER TO. <P>Will you?

TL,<P>I responded already on your other post. I don't post very often and only do when I think what my experiences have shown me to be true might be helpful. I have no wish to share my experience because I know it would only expose me to being attacked by people who are in pain over their own situation. Your situation is not my situation. Many others gave you advice besides me, yet you have singled me out to attack even though what I said was what did happen. <P>Since you have made it clear you don't want to hear my advice, of course I will respect that. I do hope you consider what I said about telling your H you are sorry for attacking mia even if you are not, because if your goal is to get him back home so that you can work on things, I think that will be a start. <P>Del

Tired Lady,<BR>Perhaps you should stop worrying about whether you should or shouldn't have called Mia. I haven't called the OW, I have barely mentioned her to my H, never criticized her to him. The only thing I ever asked was that the kids not go places with her alone, that he spend time with the kids, and he responded by telling me I had no right to tell him what not to do with the kids while they were there. I haven't lovebusted. None of this has done any good - none of this has made any difference. Perhaps my daughter was right when she told me I should get furious at him, that I should yell at him, and then maybe at least I'd feel better. Perhaps most people here, including myself, just want to believe that our behavior can influence the situation, when really whether the betrayer comes back and/or stays back is really just chance. I know way too many really nice people whose spouses/SO's have left them, and way too many nasty ones whose spouses have stayed with them.

TL, Ok, for right now your H is gone. Mine has moved out 6 times. He has said nearly the sam thing your H said, "I can't take this anymore. The marriage is over." The first time he said it was Aug of 98...so just because he moves out, if he moves out, it doesn't mean your marriage is done.<P>Now take a look at you. Forget the OW. Forget H. What are your strengths? What would you like to see yourself do in your situation? Avoid doing things that cause you shame or regret. You can't do a thing about that call, it is done. <P>You need to deal with your pain & anger--whether your H never says one more word to you or if he would walk in with 3 dozen roses and prostrate himself before you in abject humiliation ( OK, unlikely, but what would you change if he did? If it makes you feel better, pretend that has happened.)<P>What we think leads directly to how we feel. Each one of us can sit here in our computer chair--with the computer off and think of the OP & spouse and be utterly fuming! We can also think of a special time with our spouse and melt with love.<P>Forget all the affair crap and love your H the next time you see him. Forgiveness isn't for his benefit, it is for yours.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>