Thanks G,
I was a bit taken back by Stella, but I've not seen a happy posting by her in quite a while so I figured I'd leave her to her own thoughts.

As for me....I'm trying today. I spoke to H very late in the day for us. It was not til after 12:30 and that is rare. Of course I assumed it was because he was mad at me but in fact it was due to three long and tedious conference calls. We have connected and I decided that although he hurt me deeply, I would NOT make today a negative experience for either of us.

Sometimes it really annoys the Cr*P out of me that I make these concessions, but I'm willing to do what I have to do. I also called a local counceling center to see why they have a sign out front that says "groups forming...call now". I called and they have a women's group forming to help women turn negatives into positives. No date or time yet but I asked to be put on the list. I wonder what the man's group is..."How not to be a yang?" Just kidding!

So, today I'll just deal with my kitchen installers who totally hate me. They ordered the wrong oven hood and want ME to eat the cost. Yuck...I really dislike stuff like this. And, the tree guys removed a tree and crashed a 20' branch into the side of my house. That took a chunk off the roof. Tropical Storm Hannah took care of their patch job and my basement smells like wet dirt! Nobody got hurt! Nobody got hurt! ....repeat again.

I dont see how it is cold what I said.

There is no way I could sympathise with her on this. She started the fight. She kept on with it due to insecurities she feels about her husband which are probably justified.

But fighting like this rarely helps ANYTHING.

I want her to find out once and for all if he is cheating and if he will cheat again. To trust him again will take a lot from both of them. Fighting wont help this it will just get in the way.

I have given her four options, but she may have other ideas on what to do.

If a man gave the four options like I did, you would not think it was cold and cruel would you?

Fiori I am sure has many who will empathize with her and offer sympathy. I just wanted to give her MY OPIONION, rational as it is, and let her have another viewpoint so she does not spin and spin and fight more and more with him.

Fiori, you are right, I dont seem happy lately. I have to look into that. It is true that something is wrong. And it is in myself! Sorry,

I choose #3.

This will be a difficult task for me as I'm really a bit feisty. But, in the interest of attempting to re-build some type of trust I will try. I KNOW I will not always succeed. For those days I'll try to bite my tongue.

I do not believe he's involved back in the EA again. However, I do believe that if she presented herself after an argument he would be totally vulnerable. I am no fool. So, I pray for new employment for him. And, I pray that she gets swallowed up by a sink hole. But, I will press forward, I hope.

I was so tempted to answer your question this way:

"Can the BS get Closure with a visit to the OW?"

Answer:

"Sure they can if the BS brings a big enough BAT!"

LMAO, Stella.

Hey, if I did not think my kids would never ever wear matching clothing again I'd be in prison for exactly that! But, my H has an amazing knack for putting them in the most ridiculous outfits. Now, having said that, they are 16 and 13....but I am still fearful!!!

But, I do have an uncle Rudy--I suppose he may know someone who knows someone...Or, we have a friend who's dad is in Produce. Any Italian knows what that means!

Thanks for the injected humor.

There will be no closure via a meeting with an OP.

They are worthless people with nothing to offer anyone.

I wouldn't advise against contact with an OP for other reasons, but I wouldn't do so expecting closure.

That is, unless your meeting involves a shovel and lyme.

Fiori, look over my post on EN boards regarding my own closure. It was not an affair but there may be a couple similarities.

Which one, in particular, would give me insight as to what your struggles were?

It is titled,

"I finally got closure after 10 years"!

Oh PLEASE!!!! I can't do this for ten years...

Closure regarding the OW has been the HARDEST for me, too..and it's been 5 years or so...

It does get BETTER over time...

I almost was tempted to hit her car on the road...

Happened to come up behind her at a red light..

Then breezed past her..in my NEW CAR..that my H bought me..while she was driving her old cruddy car..

THEN, she came up behind ME..I looked up in my rearview mirror she had DISAPPEARED...

It was SURREAL...

That's the LAST I've seen of her...

But, I STILL WANT TO GET BACK AT HER...

I'm leaving it in GOD'S HANDS...

She will SUFFER if she does not repent...is my belief...

I needed closure for a former girlfriend my husband accidently banged WAY before he met me! (23 years before he met me)

Granted, she damaged him in a lot of emotional and other ways....that I am still helping him with (he does not know I am helping him)

It took 10 years for my closure..... Just think if he had an affair on me now! Or banged another woman now! I would be flattened.

I know you guys are doing the right things and your closure wont take as long as mine. But I admire you, I would freak if my husband had an affair now.

Gosh you sound just like me. I've said some of the same exact things. I still struggle with these feelings...especially the part where you say I really only want to cause her pain. It drives me nuts to think that she simply walks this earth with no consequences for her actions. I feel that same exact way too.

I did confront the OW (sort of). I called her and attempted to confront her (twice), but she knew it was me and didn't answer her phone. Instead I texted her twice - once when I wasn't fully aware of the extent of her relationship with my FWH, and the second time calling her every filthy name in the book and telling her what a piece of garbage she was. I think I even told her I saw the naked picture of herself she sent him, but I'm not sure....I was a little emotional at the time, lol. She forwarded the text to my FWH the next day in an attempt to re-establish contact with him when he told her things with them were over. He simply replied "we can't talk anymore - period." It feels good that I did that, but part of me would still love to confront her face to face.

I feel this way also..hadn't read this..

It must be NORMAL and EXPECTED for us...

I don't consider it an OBSESSION...

I consider it part of the EMOTIONAL WOUNDING that we have SUFFERED..

A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE TRAUMA...

ETA: I USED to FEEL this way DAILY.. I would think of HER..DAILY..but NOW..only VERY, VERY SELDOM...TIME does HEAL the WOUND as others here had told me...

I came to understand about my husband..that it's really not about the OTHER WOMAN..not specifically HER per se but THE FEELING that she gave him..he was ADDICTED to THE FEELING of the AFFAIR...

To this day, though, I know that SHE can PRODUCE this FEELING for HIM again if he saw HER.

Thus, the LIFETIME ADDICTION to HER..but not really HER..you know what I mean...

fiori,

I don't know what you know of my story.

It's long, and I won't bore you with it here. Suffice it to say that I have been through trauma and pain.

I want to talk of the concept of what it might mean to inflict pain to find some sort of closure.

It won't close.


I have been there, and believe me, it won't close.

You can beat things, and that pain will remain in you.
You can scream, and that pain will remain in you.
You can say what is in your heart, yell at the top of your lungs, you can plan out the script of the exactly correct words that would be the most perfect thing to say to the person who inflicted the pain on you

and say them

and that pain will remain in you.


I learned through my trauma that only I held the key to closure. I control closure.

It comes from within me, from the most unlikely source. I held this key for the longest time, and actually

withheld it

from myself.

I did not even realize that I was withholding it. I did not know that I even had it in my possession at all.

Yet, it was there the whole time.


That key?

Forgiveness.


Once I forgave the perpetrators of the acts against me, I was free from those acts, from the movies in my head, from the daily and virtual moment to moment existence that was

those events that plagued my life

right up until I discovered how to let them go through forgiveness.


This sounds completely counter-intuitive. It is. Yet, in understanding and recognizing exactly how broken these people were, I was able to see my own strength, my own power, my own

self

and lift my self

from the chains that those people and their acts bound me with.


And I was free of them. I no longer saw them as important in my life. Because they were NOT. I was able to see that.

The focus somehow shifted to create a new recognition of this - and the sense of freedom in my world was astounding.

The sense of power, glorious.
The sense of relief, indescribable.

The sense of pain, I can tell you that I know that I had pain, and that I do have pain, but I am able to control how I respond to it. Because my approach is

mine to control

NOT THEIRS.


And that makes (and made) a huge difference.


I have peace with the affair, and with the events of my past. The affair is much more fresh, so from time to time, I still find difficulty with it. The events of the past

they are gone to me. Truly, gone.


The affair will also be gone, because my approach is the same, and I see it fading every day.


I will be leaving MB. I hope that you find peace, too. I know that if you find forgiveness, you WILL find peace.

I know this to be true. I promise you this is truth.

SB

UGH, lifetime addiction. This is what I don't know if I can live with.

Not sure why I'm even worried about it though.

Ugh the lifetime addiction thing is what bothers me the most. My OW was my H's high school girlfriend and they got back in touch at their 20 year reunion. The PA did not start for 3 years after that. But here I am already wondering if my H is going to want to go his 30 year reunion even though it is 5 years away.