Wow, he is a very good...and smooth liar. For sure. No one would do that. No wonder you dont trust him, I would'nt either.

He is really #$@&*(%@!!ing you.

I cant believe he thinks you would believe that crap.

maybe, maybe not. The problem is that there is still some possibility that he's telling the truth and some that he's lying. So, once again, the burdon is mine. You see, he gets to keep all of his ducks in a row and I have to be happy! I have to be the perfect wife & mother. I have to NOT argue or become unglued. I have to decide whether or not to believe him or not. I I I I I I I I I I.....Is this just the way it is? The WS puts his/her wheels in motion and then it's up to the BS to make decisions daily as to whether or not they are telling the truth?

This is soooooo unfair.

Stella,
Here's my question to you and to myself as well...

WHAT IF HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH AND I'M WRONG???

Probable, not likely -- Possible, yup.

So, how much damage can I do if I "jump off the cliff" as he often tells me I do.

Fiori,
He may be telling the truth. Did he know that you knew those dates? Does he typically try to be extra careful about his accountability on dates that he knows you may worry about? If so then I would think he may be telling the truth.

Just so you know I know how you feel. It just about killed me when I looked at my H's calander early in recovery and found that he had marked the monthly anniversary's of his A with OW. He also wrote on Valentine's Day "OW Beach-Sunset". I love the sunsets at the beach and now when I see one it just about kills me and makes me really mad. So I do understand your pain and anger. I wish I had some helpful advice, but I did want to let you know I feel for you.

"His answer is...
He tends to be very thoughtless when monumental dates occur on the calendar. He's aware that I'm very anxious about the date of d-day and it's approaching. So, he says he put the checks on her birthday so he was completely accountable on those days in case I was a basket case."

What did he act like when he said that?
Did he act as if he was really understanding and concerned about you?
Or did he act as if you were being 'crazy', 'jealous', 'controlling','silly'...?
Did he seem apologetic or annoyed?
(BTW even if he responded with concer for you that doesn't necessarily mean he's innocent... could just be very cunning...)

Has he ever mentioned to you that he was going to try to keep better track of D-day triggers in order to help you with them?
Is this something you've ever specifically asked him to do?

Did he think that you even KNEW when her birthday was, so that it would even BE a trigger for you?

And did he also put check marks on all other dates that would be possible triggers?

It sounds suspicious to me.
I personally wouldn't buy it.

If he really were so concerned about triggers upsetting you then it would have occurred to him that the possibility of you finding out he'd checked those dates on his calendar, MINUS him showing and telling you he was doing that and why, would itself be very upsetting to you.

I think he's trying to turn an inappropriate thing he's done, somethign that you certainly have a right to be upset about, into something that supposedly makes him look as if he's not only innocent but supposedly also did it to protect you.

IMHO the dude's really good at spin!

I would just flat out ask him why he didn't TELL YOU he was going to try to keep track of D-days in order to help you with those triggers, and mark it on the calendar in the house instead of his calendar that was stashed away?

Ugh, Fiori. This is how I feel. THEY mess up and WE have to [censored] kiss to make it all perfect so THEY can stay on the straight and narrow? I find this unfair, as well. WE BOTH had the same vows, mine wasnt to coddle and pet every minute of the day to be sure he is fulfilled, whether I am or not.

I've seen the OW a few times from a distance and that has helped me to not worry that she is better than me.

I doubt the OW will ever ackowledge she did anythign wrong or apologize to me and my daughters so meeting her would not be very satisfying anyway.

I am tempted at times to tell her off, in person or in a letter, but that would probably just help her pretend she's some sort of innocent victim and I'm mean or scary or whatever LOL.

I probably will run into her someday accidently and don't know how that will go... I used to worry about that a lot but don't think about it much anymore.

Of course it's sometimes fun to fantasize about such a meeting LOL.

Wow. We had the exact same thing happen to us. H was always home when he was supposed to be, this was at work. She is his subordinate and was making ways to weasle time with him, as well. SHe set him up by stroking his ego everyday about what a fAntastic principal he was, then they became personal accodolates. Within 2 weeks he was telling me I was a raging, hormonal [censored] (pregnant on bed rest) and emailing her telling her she was the PERFECT woman who could never imagine being in a bad mood. Gah!

Yes, he thought I knew the dates. In all honesty, I did not. I would have never thought about it unless I had seen the check marks. But, over a year ago I found a business card in his wallet. It had her ss#, birthdate and anniversary of starting at the company on it. Needless to say I have this card. So, when I saw the check marks I was immediately intrigued. I took out my secret stash and there it was!

Oh, and trust me, he's soooo NOT cunning at all. This is a man who thinks very little before he speaks and much prefrs a reactive way of life to a pro-active one. I pointed out to him that this would be much easier for me to process if I had some indication prior to finding it out on my own that this was the case.

As for Meremortals questions:

He's aware that certain dates are triggers to me. This past week was his birthday and I was very concerned that she would attempt contact. Because of this he called to 'warn' me that he had a lunch meeting and where he'd be. He also knows I'm a bit freaked out by the upcoming date of OCtober 17. This is the day he truely broke my heart. As for him thinking ahead and putting checks so that I'd be protected? That seems very unrealistic to me. This is a man who rarely worries about consequences for his actions. Again, he likes to clean up messes rather than prevent them. This is not new...he's been like this for the entire 20 years I've known him.

Initially he acted annoyed. Really, he just wanted to go to work and begin his day. Stella and others have told me how important it is for me to be 'happy' so I was trying to preserve this by speaking to him as positively as this subject would merit. During our conversation he explained to me that I was making more out of the situation than it warranted. Again, he believes that I am looking for rope to hang him with and that no matter what he does/says I can find a way to incriminate him if it fits into my scenario I've already cooked up in my mind.

This is an aspect of recovery that is maddening to me. He's just going along with his day and I'm made to feel like a nutjob. It's not intentional on his part, but you should see the look in his eye. It's as if we're both looking at strangers. I have no idea how this sweet, gentle and loving man could have morphed into such a turd.

As for knowing the dates...he thought I had her stats memorized. So, I know her address, phone number, height, weight, religious offiliations....what's the problem???? Does this seem obsessive to you???

This is funny...you'd have to know him to realize how NOT a spinner he is.

Don't put anything past someone who is or was wayward. I am a terrible liar, but in the wayward mindframe I was able to lie like the best of them and not feel bad at the time. When I think back to things I did and said I sometimes cannot believe the stuff that came out of my mouth to cover my butt.

LC

Were those for March of 2008 or March of 2009? If it was the latter, I'd be p*ssed too. For awhile, after my FWH came home, he had a passcode on his cellphone. I knew what it was and he knew I knew but what I didn't know was what it meant. It was OW#1's BD. Talk about p*ssed.

I'm not buying your H's explanation. That's just bogus. If it had been me, I would have taken the calendar and made checkmarks for ALL the days of March... and waited to see if he asked about it. Not asking would be a big tell. Asking would have made me feel better.

In your case, sorry, I just don't buy it.

I'm so sorry but I agree with PM --> I don't buy it either.

Is your H showing you regularly that he is taking every step necessary to find a new job?

I'm pretty sure you don't like it when I post to you...but quite honestly, I am very worried about you and the amount of triggers/exposure to OW you have endured over the past year. Take care of yourself.

While I admit there were somethings I could have handled better in our M, my H was mostly the problem. He comes from a very dysfunctional family and is/was very needy for others people approval especially where work is concerned. Whenever I offered a suggestion about something (after HE asked me my opinion) he usually got mad that I was belittling him if he didn't like the answer. If I pointed something out to him that I saw was a problem....I was belittling him. Now if someone else(someone he liked or looked to for approval)gave him the same answer I did well they were a fricking genius, kudos to them, blah blah, gag. That lead to further resentment on my part that my opinion didn't mean crap, he felt belittled...repeat the cycle. It pissed me off because any time I offered advice it was only so that he could succeed and meet his professional goals, look good to his peers, etc.

I'm not the kind of person to apologize for something I didn't do just to broker peace. So he would be mad, I would be mad and that was that. OW had no standards for anything and stroked his ego 24/7 so he was easily enticed. My H now admits that for years he was just a ahole, plain and simple, and has taken me for granted in so many ways. He gets no argument from me. LOL

I don't buy it either Fiori.

Most WS would want to forget the affair and move on. If he told you to tell talk to him when you feel anxious, I could understand that but why would he need to put that in his calendar?

I don't buy your H's explanation either.

He should be making a MAJOR POINT to FORGET the OW's BIRTHDAY or any special DATE or TIME in HER LIFE...not remembering or notating FOR ANY REASON..

Like the others, I wouldn't be able to tolerate him working in the same company...

I don't even like living in the SAME CITY...

WEll, last night after dinner I brought it up in a very non confrontational way. I simply stated that he had had all day to think over his previous answer and then see if he wanted to make any changes. He's sticking by it. Really, my head is clear. I see that alot of what he's saying to me seems soooooo unrealistice and I believe if he stepped outside of himself he'd not believe himself either. That's really what I need for him to be able to do. He needs to see his own words coming out of the mouth of the husband of someone he loves, like one of his sisters. There's no way he'd believe them!

So, I sit here, plastering on my happy face. I'm torn up inside. I know the MB principles say to snoop, snoop, snoop...but this is not my normal character. My heart races and my intenstines become an active volcano just when I see his phone and his briefcase. I have to find an IC that I can go to for ME!!! I have no idea at this point where my future will be. Before the wench came into my life I always knew he and I would be together forever.

I'm so willing to NOT be the part of my personality that he apparently hates. I really am not so sure he hates it, it's just that he sees wonder woman and different. Pull away all the flirting and the horomones and she's a basic woman who's going to nag, nag, nag....just like he thinks I do.

I will remain vigilant. But, I always have to understand the possibility that my suspicions are feuling my suspicions. There must be a line where I can not cross. Really, this entire event is simply exhausting.

Bitter,
I'm not sure why you think I don't like when you post to me. Have I said that to you? Maybe you have me confused with someone else.

Trust me..if you have something to say -- even if I don't necessarily agree with it, it's something I need to read.

As for looking for a job, yes he's actively doing it. NOt as active as I think she could/should be, but I cannot do this for him. He needs to finally see why he must get out of dodge. REally, i believe he thinks it's very OK for him to work there as long as he remains in NC with the wench. But, I cannot. At some point he's going to need to start putting me first. I am waiting for the day he makes the shift. He's really a very stubbon soul.

Do you BUY and UNDERSTAND the MBers' viewpoint that THE AFFAIR is an ADDICTION?

He's not (fully) invested in looking for another job...

He's spewing crap about trying to help you via keeping important dates noted, but isn't forthcoming with the information (lying by omission)...

He still workes across the street from OW...

He gets angry/violent towards you when you ask him questions about the LTA...


My bet is since it's 6mos out, he's either still deep in the fog (and not coming out very soon due to close proximity), or he's still in contact.



(((Fiori)))