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Originally Posted by Stellakat
I bet if your husband was at the OW's house he would not leave clothing around, drawers open etc. I feel he does not respect you enough. I am angry at him for this.

I was angry at him for this, too.

I know its only been a little over a week, but he has been doing great. Goes above and beyond what I ask of him. Actually, he has been doing better in this area for about a month now, but the past week has really been trying. I have to acknowledge his efforts.


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(((Gdar))))

Just checked in and saw your new development.

So sorry that you are on the Infidelity board now.

My prayers are with you.

Stay strong!!


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Wow. One week forward, now 5 months back.

We addressed the OW in our session yesterday. I cant hardly function right now. I have never in my life felt so physically ill when its something emotional eating at me. I cant lose anymore weight because its not good for my breast milk. I am eating, but its not sticking. I feel like I havent had a morsel of food in weeks.

He admitted the poem was about her. He admitted to staying up at night while I was in bed (on bedrest) emailing her. He said he knew it was wrong, but he did it anyway because I acted like I hated him, and he liked the attention. Um, I was mad at him BECAUSE of what he was doing, not the other way around. God forbid I should expect an extra 1% from my husband while I am on bedrest pregnant and trying to care for 3 other kids and a husband. He tried to blame it on me, but the therapist explained to him that that isnt how it works if he ever wants me to trust him again. That he cant sit and be defensive, then put the blame on me for HIS choice. And the only reason their (he and OM) convos ended, was because I caught him. Who knows how long it would have continued.

He didnt speak to me ONCE the entire rest of the day/evening. I was up all night crying, while he was sleeping like he had no cares in the world.

I cant forgive him if he is going to act like this about it.

He wont get her off his "teams". Said she is protected by union and he cant have her removed. He cant quit because he will be out of a job until a year from now when the next school year starts. We obviously cant afford to have him out of work.

I cant deal today. I am a mess. I dont know what to do.


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Gdar,

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.

P.S. OM = Other Man - OW = Other Woman

I'm pretty sure you meant OW, but wanted to point that out so no one gets confused when reading your post. confused

As for you....again I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. An EA is very devastating and you have every right to feel bad right now.

You need a plan to take care of yourself though because this does not heal overnight. It will take time and it will take effort from him on being willing to compensate for the damage that he has caused. I hope he is up for it.

You could send him here, but he probably won't like what people have to say.

Hang in there....we are here for you!


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Im sorry too. I would get a polygraph to see if there waas a PA.

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Ugh. Now he is trying to compare his EA with a sexual dream I had about a friend of mine (which, by the way has been great for our sex life, because we talk about it - its a FANTASY, not reality) and that its ok for ME to have a sex dream about someone but not him. OMFG. You have GOT to be kidding me.


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Gdar, I'm praying for you, hon. You're not alone. I'm glad that you're over here with the vets, to get some great advice.

Dr. H talks in the articles about taking ADs when you're going through this. When I breastfed DD7, the OB/GYN gave me Prozac, and there may well be others also approved for breastfeeding mothers. Do you get any exercise in, like walking? 30 minutes daily was found in one study to be as helpful for short term mild depression as ADs. I don't know if that's enough for this situation, though. What do you think?


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Thank you, Ears. I do walk everyday. It has helped, but yesterday's session kicked my a$$.

I emailed out therapist and told him that I was really struggling today, feeling like I am losing my mind. He called me back and I feel a bit better. He said I need to NOT push for answers right now, or it will cause H to retreat.


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Gdar, you may or may not get good advice from an MC. Does he use the Basic Concepts from MB or another prgram porven to restore marriages? H and I went through 4 counselors who didn't ask the questions we needed to get to the real problem. Only when I got here to MB did the lay folks here ask me the questions that helped me figure out my situation, so I could take action that fits instead of more action that didn't. The counseling we've been to since then, I KNOW the whole story, well, the whole of my side of it, so that I can share it.

Also, do you think that your H has an alcohol problem? Have you discussed it with the MC? Is your MC trained to deal with that?


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Originally Posted by Gdar
Now he is trying to compare his EA

Gdar, to be blunt, I'm pretty sure that it was, and perhaps is still, a PA.

Men don't write poems to other women unless there's a pretty high level of emotional intimacy involved, and men tend to be involved physically at that level of emotional intimacy.

Time for that lie-detector test.

And exposure.



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He didnt speak to me ONCE the entire rest of the day/evening. I was up all night crying, while he was sleeping like he had no cares in the world.
(((Gdar)))

I'm so sorry. IMO, your quote is screaming to me that your H is still actively wayward. Somehow, you need to absorb this. This is not your H! Once you can accept that, you will be able to take the steps necessary to help him.

Please please reconsider exposure. Exposing is the best thing you can do to bust up the A right now...and OWH really needs to know ASAP.

ps...Please do whatever you can to eat and take care of yourself. Breastfeeding is taxing on your body, and your baby needs you to be healthy!


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Gdar,

I know he has some immature behavior, but some of the things that he has said to you are classic signs of continued contact. Best case scenario could be that he is just that immature and has to have a tantrum when you tell him what he did was wrong by deflecting and "blaming" you for it.

He also needs to do a NC letter. That's an absolute MUST. And exposure to HER husband is an absolute MUST. Those are things that PROTECT YOU!

Seek medical help for Prozac or another AD for the short term so that you can have as much help as possible during this time. Don't try to be so strong that you hurt yourself.

hug


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It will be worth the money, for your body's sake, and your baby's, to hire a PI to get the information on all her friends and family, so that you can expose to them.

You MUST expose! Nothing will ever get resolved if you don't expose and if he doesn't write a NC letter. Without you demanding that, he is suffering no consequences and not earning the right to get you back. Please stand up for your rights.

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Gdar, I'm so sorry for your situation.

I think exposure may be helpful, but I can see why you are concerned about other effects. Your marriage may have a hard time surviving if the school board/superinendent decided he has grounds to fire your husband outright based on information you provided. Financial stress and money fights has been sited as the number one reason for divorce, so adding any kind of financial stress on top of the emotional affair is a risk.

Maybe you can make a bargain that you won't expose the inappropriate relationship provided she removes herself from his "teams" and they have only so much contact as is absolutely necessary.

I'd like to suggest another book to read, The Monogamy Myth. I don't usually suggest it because one of the theories in the book is in direct conflict with MB. The Monogamy Myth states that affairs can happen even in good marriages, marraiges where both people are happily married. Dr. Harley's approach is that affairs are symptomatic of other problems in marriages.

I mostly agree with Dr. Harely. However, I wonder if your H's EA could have been more of an escape from the stress and worry of a wife on bed rest, three kids, and another on the way. Not an excuse, and certainly something that needs to be addressed, but that would be dramatically different from a situation where he didn't feel in love with you and wanted out of the marriage.

Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Try not to expect answers or resolution any time soon.



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Greengables, I didn't find the quote on the site this morning, but Dr. H does talk about this dynamic, too, about how when a spouse spends significant amounts of time with another person that meets their ENs, that it can lead to an affair, even in a good marriage. The second example, the EA between the guy and his running partner in SAA, describes this in a lot of detail.


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Originally Posted by Greengables
Gdar, I'm so sorry for your situation.

I think exposure may be helpful, but I can see why you are concerned about other effects. Your marriage may have a hard time surviving if the school board/superinendent decided he has grounds to fire your husband outright based on information you provided. Financial stress and money fights has been sited as the number one reason for divorce, so adding any kind of financial stress on top of the emotional affair is a risk.

Maybe you can make a bargain that you won't expose the inappropriate relationship provided she removes herself from his "teams" and they have only so much contact as is absolutely necessary.

I'd like to suggest another book to read, The Monogamy Myth. I don't usually suggest it because one of the theories in the book is in direct conflict with MB. The Monogamy Myth states that affairs can happen even in good marriages, marraiges where both people are happily married. Dr. Harley's approach is that affairs are symptomatic of other problems in marriages.

I mostly agree with Dr. Harely. However, I wonder if your H's EA could have been more of an escape from the stress and worry of a wife on bed rest, three kids, and another on the way. Not an excuse, and certainly something that needs to be addressed, but that would be dramatically different from a situation where he didn't feel in love with you and wanted out of the marriage.

Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Try not to expect answers or resolution any time soon.

Thank you, GG, for understanding my position here. It isnt that black and white. What works for one couple, doesnt work for all. I do not believe at ALL that he is continuing with her. He simply does not have an ounce of free time, and I am close with the other principals and quite a few teachers. The level of contact they have isnt alone - its just not the dynamic at their work place. I feel comfort knowing this. I do trust this. I dont trust I know the whole story, and am trying to accept that I probably never will.

We have been doing better. We have talked a lot since the night I didnt get any sleep. He is asking me what he can do to make me feel safe, I am telling him, and he is open to it. He just told the district that he cannot attend a conference in Denver because he found out that there was a good chance the OW would be a teacher in attendance. He said that he simply cannot leave his family for anything out of state. He is going to stick to that for the rest of the school year, as this is his last year there. I am ok with him attending out of town conferences with his co-principals at his school, and any other school in the district (I know them all), but not with teachers. He is ok with this. He has been awesome when he gets home from work. He takes over with the baby, we play music, we chat, we dance with the kids, he doesnt touch his computer anymore unless its an absolute MUST for work, and never until after the kids are in bed, as to not interfere with family time.

I am trying to remain positive and he is noticing.

This weekend he put in a movie, and about 15 minjutes into it, the subject matter was about cheating (it was a comedy). He looked at me and saw I wasnt smiling, and turned it off and offered to put in something else so he could see me smile again. I appreciated that he knew it was making me uncomfortable, even if it was a comedy. He is being more aware of my feelings and its been nice.

Our next MC session is Thursday.

We are also having lunch together with our younger 2 kids on Tuesdays and Thursdays and its really helping us stay connected.


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Thank you, GG, for understanding my position here. It isnt that black and white. What works for one couple, doesnt work for all.

Yikes, Gdar, I saw that you were saying similar things in broken soul's thread and this concerns me. I know you are defensive and you probably don't want to hear this...

But I noticed many Newly BS's seem to have this "my situation is unique" view when they don't want to implement some of the MB principles...especially when their cake-eating WSs have them believing everything is fine and the BS then doesn't want to rock the boat.

I myself felt this way when my H swore on a stack of bibles that he didn't want anything to do with OW and seemed fully committed to R...swore they weren't seeing each other at work. They were also in an environment that didn't enable them to really be alone with another either. Well, that came back to haunt me.

Good luck.


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I know, sometimes I really do feel like I am in denial. Sometimes I want to scream and yell and demand to know each and everytime they pass in the hall, or attend the same meeting, etc.. BUT I have zero proof, seen zero signs that show any activity happening since I exposed to my H and our friends. For my own sanity, I cannot continue to treat him as guilty if he is proving innocent. I just cant. I want to sometimes, but in order for us to recover, I am continuing with Plan A, continuing weekly MC and things are going well. I do not believe he is willing to throw our marriage away for the 2 months that we werent connecting, almost 6 months ago. For me, Plan A means giving him the benefit of the doubt (while remaining diligent by checking emails and phone records and showing up at his work unannounced A LOT), meeting his needs and allowing him to meet mine without being accusatory every day. Does that make sense? I feel we are in Recovery, although everyone here makes me feel like I should be at Plan B - which is NOT an option for me or my family.


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Well, that came back to haunt me.

It always does. I do not know of a single MB member that had a recovery while the adultery partners continued to work together. I know many, including my own, that lost their marriages totally because they continued to work together. This was after my WxW assured me the adultery was OVER. Opps.....another lie.

The finacial stress of losing a job is tough....divorce is tougher.


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Originally Posted by chrisner
[quote]

The finacial stress of losing a job is tough....divorce is tougher.

And both together is even worse.


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