I have issues about sex though. I'm not sure this is an appropriate place to talk about them. Can anyone recommend any reading about sex and relationships? Okay, so I know that's a huge subject but I'm worried that things are not changing for me.

On the other hand, there are probably some things that won't change. They are as good as they are going to get. If so, how does one get to a place of acceptance about them?

Now, I am pulling for you. Take a look at TheMarriageBed, just google it. It is a great resource for sexual issues as they pertain to a married couple, I think you will find it useful.

MrUnromantic

Thanks for your suggestion. I did check it out and read a lot there. The "I love my spouse because..." section was good for affirmations and thinking positively about ones other half. I checked out the message board section and there are a lot of things discussed.

I read that cultivating intimacy is the way to lead to passion. I was also surprise to learn that some of those people who were experiencing a 'sexual awakening' (generally later in life) which seemingly comes out of nowhere. Very interesting, I never knew that site existed. Thanks again.

Can anyone give me some pointers?

What keeps you going when things get difficult? I read here and people are going through incredibly hard times. What makes you get up in the morning and keep trying?

When do you stop faking it? When does it stop becoming something you have to keep working at more than it being something that comes naturally? I know I haven't been walking in this knowledge very long but I desperately don't want to start checking out.

Initiating sex is beginning to feel different......

I am trying to summon up the energy to see the therapist. I have tried to stay with and work out what feelings I have in my gut. I think it feels like huge loneliness/emptiness. It is overwhelming but instead of trying to fill it with 'stuff', I tend to retreat even more and feel very insignificant. I then yearn for love and to feel overwhelming love.

Sorry for the ramblings.... I'm rather off track right now and trying to refocus - unsuccessfully.

If it's SF you want, get a book called 52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex. Best thing I've seen for reconnecting in the bedroom.

Nowisthemoment

Have you ever been diagnosed or treated for depression? Have you talked to a professional about how you are feeling? ?Have you ever talked to your family doctor about how your mood is affecting you?

This forum can only take you so far. I suspect there are several issues at play in your life and you will need professional help to get to the root issues.

Fake it till you make it is a temporary solution to help get through a rough patch. It is for those around you and to allow you time to recover from a temporary slump.

You have done a good job at changing your situation. You have seen what a great Husband and family you have. BUT that is not the root issue. You have to get to the root issue. What is not working for you. What is causing this frustration. You are stuck and you need help to get unstuck.

Don't feel bad about calling a councellor. Would you feel bad calling the fire department if your house was on fire? We all need help at times. Just make sure the councellor you work with is competant, there are a lot of posers out there.

Good Luck on the journey to healing.

Nowis,

BCB and others are giving you great advice.

You said
From all you have said you have an H that does give you love and yet you don't feel it. Doesn't that suggest the issue is yours. BCB mentioned depression, it is a GREAT shield against love and feelings of attachment. The deeper you go the less you feel.

In fact the ONLY things that will make you feel when depressed are extreme things such as...an affair, someone that is brutal, someone that insults you, someone that forces you to feel something even pain and humiliation.

Go see a counselor. You have issues that have nothing to do with your H. He may need to tune up his H skills, but right now I doubt it would do any good.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Nowis, I think we talked about UA time. Are you setting time aside for you two to enjoy each other together? And when he doesn't make himself available to you at those times that you or you two planned together, you can have a backup plan. I struggled with a deep depression, and this helped me. For example, I planned a peaceful walk through the neighborhood, and when H wouldn't join, I'd go myself. Or go to the gym. Take the kids swimming. Something active to get those good chemicals going.

I urge you to set yourself up for success. Plan for it. Like you, I would feel rejection when my H prioritized other things over time with me. Like work long hours towards deadlines, or out drinking. I still do feel that sting, I think that's human. But I don't let it take me down the way I used to. His priorities are not a signal that I'm defective. They are about him. My behavior is about me. What am I doing? Waiting? That's a signal that here is where I can plan to do something fun.

Nowis, have you read HNHN? I think there may be some big things missing from your marriage, that you may or may or may not have already identified. What do you think is the problem? How are you and your H today setting up your marriage for failure instead of success? You have a safe place here to talk about it, so you can identify what you want to work with your husband on. Talk to him, maybe he has goals, too. Like JL says, it helps to think from the perspective that your H wants you to be happy. You can even ask him if his actions leave you less than sure.

What do you think?

Earsopen, BCB, JL

Thank you all so much for your help.

You are all right. I am going to see my doctor this afternoon. I have had depression in the past and odd times in my life. I've not been on anti-depressants for a number of years now.

JL you are uncannily accurate. It was about the only time in my life that I felt something. Gosh, I just want normal.

Yes, it's not my H. He's pretty much always consistent. I have the keys but I'm just letting myself down. Ears, my H is away a lot but I totally understand that. I know he always wants to be with me but can't. I know I have that. We have 3 children that keep me going everyday. We just moved house so I am surrounded by boxes. Plenty to do but I'm exhausted. Guess life just takes its toll.

So, I will go and get sorted out.

Thank you again everyone. I don't know what I'd have done without this board but I guess it's time to stand on my own two!

NOwis,

Let's look at your last post.




So let's see what do these three quotes mean? THEY MEAN STRESS.

You've had depression at "odd" times. Nowis, this is NOT an "odd" time. hello, you have a lot to do, you are under stress, you are tired. Guess what? This is the perfect perscription for depression and anxiety.

You need to see the Doc, but also change how you do things, recognize the stressors and develop strategies for handling it, NO having a drink is not one of them. Exercise is, better organization is, maybe a pep talk from your H even when he travels is, having some friends to talk to and let off steam is.

There are many things that will make your life seem more worthwhile. But, it is clear from what you are doing, you are worth a great deal and your H values you. You need to recognize this.

I don't know what makes people cut themselves, but I have often thought that they are trying to "feel" something, and this is their way of "feeling" something in the world. The brain is a strange organ, but modern chemistry is starting to sort out a few things, and that is why anti-D's are becoming more effective.

Just recognize that you are under stress, and I think you will start to see ways to handle it.

God Bless,

JL

Nowisthemoment

You are exhibiting the classic signs of depression and anxiety. There is a way to feel better.
1) Go see your doctor!
2) You will also need to take CBT cognitive behaviour therapy.
3) You will need a support group.
4) The people around you will also need to be aware of how to help you in depression.
5) Get to a psychologist who specializes in depression and anxiety to ensure you are properly diagnosed.
6) Get proper rest 8 - 9 hours
7) Exercise at least 1/2 hour of heart rate over 110 bpm
8) Become more aware of the things that are causing you frustration and look at alternatives or acceptance to the issue.
9) SIMPLIFY!!! SIMPLIFY!!!!

This is not a trivial issue. Depression is a very serious issue. It robs you of your ability to enjoy life, causes you to be unable to concentrate, feel tired or listless, puts strain on relationships, causes you to numb out.

Good luck and God Bless.

JL and BCB

Well, I had a talk with my H on the phone yesterday about going back on anti-depressants (he is due home in a couple of days). He was very disappointed that I felt that I might need to go back on them. I feel like I'm letting him down again.

So I talked with the Doctor yesterday and she agreed that I was under a lot of stress. My usual outlet for dealing with the "maladies" is exercise, power walking and a lot of strong yoga. However, since my hip surgery in May, I have not been able to do any of it apart from physical therapy. Therein, I know, lies a lot of my issues and pent up feelings. So I am looking into more physical therapy, trying to get out and reconnect with friends and doing more of what helps me; open space, reading etc. So I'm giving it a week and if there is no change, then Prozac it is.

Now the dynamics of my marriage are shifting. I desperately want to stay open and giving.

Nowis, I feel very angry reading your post. This is a medical decision, to be made by you and your doctor.

What was his reason for feeling disappointed? Can you listen to understand, without taking it as about you? Maybe he doesn't want to face that there are consequences to you for his choices. For your choices together. Maybe it is something else, a concern that you two can address.

I was left alone to unpack a home with my H far away, too, and kids on my head. I know how hard that is.

Nowis,

Often anti-D's reduce the libido. One that apparently does not, is Welbutin (sp). It was originally used to help people kick the smoking habit, it seems to remove anxiety, but it has been found to be a good anti-D as well. It apparently does not affect the libido.

I doubt your H wants you to not treat what ails you, but I am sure he doesn't want to be married to a zombie either. Talk with him about his concerns of you going back on anti-D's. He may have noticed things you are not really aware of and if he does this information needs to be considered by you, and then given to the Doc. Prozac is one of many anti-D's each affects people differently and different people differently.

Tune the medication. I like your plan for exercise, but don't over do it.

Be open and talk with your H about these things. You are trying to do your marriage good, and that is good for both of you. Remember and remind him, of the old saying
God Bless,

JL

As a husband, I am a pushover too. I am here on the forums trying to make heads and tails of it.

It seems to me that an adoring, loving, dedicated, thoughtful man cannot please a woman, but a rebel can offer little or nothing, yet keeps women crawling back.

Maybe when my heart turns completely cold, this will all make sense.

I think that both your husband and I need to toughen up. Be less caring. Less appreciative. Less available. Maybe the women in our lives need to savor our absence. Maybe we need to hit the weights, smoke, drink hard, and get a white t-shirt, bikers coat and boots.

Anyway... I was not trying to harsh your vibe. People are people. I wish you luck.

Ears

I asked my H last night why he was disappointed. He said he felt bad for me. Sad that I was not coping. I told him that I think that it is depression because I have no real 'complaints' about our life. We are in a good place but I'm just tired, stressed and not bouncing back. I don't want to jeopardize our relationship or start going backwards.

I pretty much feel the same but am going to try and meet a couple of friends later. I am working a couple of extra days this week so it will also get me out and sod the boxes!

JL

I will talk to the Doctor again specifically about which anti-d's are likely to sap the libido because I can't afford for that to happen. We've haven't long begun to have SF again and things are too fragile. I feel bad for him and I don't want him to have to just be caring about me all the time and not getting his needs met. I am trying to do our marriage good as you said. I don't want him to be left wanting and I don't want a mediocre marriage either.

JL do you still have to 'work' at your relationship? Does it get easier?

Almost

I'm not sure really what you mean and do not know your story.

We have been through some bad stuff (mostly of my making). My H has always loved me. Maybe there have been times where he was a walkover. He didn't know what else to do. However, I have no shadow of a doubt in my mind that if it were not for him loving me, being patient and forgiving me I would not be here today. If he turned hard, cold and less caring I would just have distanced even more. In addition, I am under no illusions that should I have the merest inclination of a relationship with another man he would be gone.

My thinking has changed and, in turn, my respect for him and love is growing.

Nowisthemoment

There are some newer Antidepressants out there that do not affect libido like Prozac. I have some friends who had good success with Cipralex as it does not impair libido and provided the mood lift they needed while they were undergoing the stress.

Exercise is a great help but you are having a challenge recovering from surgery.

It sounds like you husband is more sympathetic to you rather than disappointed. Sounds like he is remaining consistant with his wanting the best for you.

Good Luck