Dude,

I think of what you wrote and think of your children. You are married and as of 7/1/08, you said you wouldn't do what your remorseful WW did.

Yet you sent her away for six weeks after DDay, and began thinking of the revenge A immediately.

I can't imagine what it will be like for you in ten years, when your children are getting married, and then having affairs, and you look them in the eyes and they say, "Hey, it's what you did."

Two years was too long you said for you to recover...two months was too much, you said...and in ten, it will look like a drop in the bucket. I don't know how many women you'll have brought through your children's lives by then.

I don't see you changing...just replacing partners. So you're safe from loving another as deeply as you loved your wife, pre-A.

I wonder if you have a son or a daughter who will end up brawling when some stranger idjit calls them a name because they take it about them, their honor, their self-respect...built on others (not real)...I'm so sorry you came here claiming you would never do...and you promptly did, knowing the pain...believing you made her change your sheets...believing you'll be better off financially...and your children torn apart. With two wayward parents to rely on to understand marriage.

I have no doubt your wife will choose not to look at you in the way she once did, pre-fog, because she saw your real weakness in the last three months...didn't knew it went that deep...was that profound...but you say you have your self-respect.

I hope you work on your personal recovery...takes about two years, too, not factoring in the revenge affair and continued infidelity (you're married). What price we pay for anger, the false comforter, until it runs out...and we see clearly again...the remorse lasts a lifetime...not two years.

LA

Pre-fog, fog, post-fog, she thought I was weak, that I wouldn't retaliate. I understand what you're saying, and you make good points, but the thought of the thread was thinking about having a wayward feel the similar pain. I'm telling you that I did, and I don't look back. She didn't!!! She got her a$$ handed back to her and it doesn't matter how she sees me now as we are headed for D. I really don't care. She is not the same person I married as she strayed first.

I've though about a revenge A. I think many BS do. The thing you have to consider is it probably won't hurt the WS like it hurts a FS. FS are committed to the end. We believe and HONOR our wedding vows. The WS does not and since the vows are meaningless then a revenge affair probably won't hurt effectively. Some WS have no concience. But hey, if you wanna try and be really vengeful you could do it and take lots of pics and then send them to her. Maybe wait till the divorce is final first though.

And you don't think that what you've done has changed you? That what you are currently doing is changing you? You have a girlfriend and yet you are still a married man...What kind of example are you setting for your children Dude? Do you even care, or is your wounded pride the only thing that matters now? That IS how it sounds...

Do you live in a world where two wrongs make a right? Is that what you want your children to learn?

I sincerely hope that you come to grips with your "nana nana boo boo" attitude, if not for your own sake then for the sake of your children...

Dude what about choosing to BE the man you always pictured yourself being no matter what others do? ACTING instead of REACTING??? That is true CHARACTER Dude...I'd love to see you embrace that side of yourself...Be the guy in the WHITE HAT...

Mrs. W

I can't say that I agree 100% with Dude, but there is certainly a part of me, especially on bad days, that can easily imagine doing exactly what he did. There have been times when I was teetering on the brink.

It's hard to say from reading words on a screen, but I'd guess that Dude did what he did from a position of pain and sadness, as oppposed to vengeance and machismo.

Unless he had a WS hidden in him the whole time. That's another topic entirely...

Sure you thought about it Krazy...I'd venture a guess that many if not most BSs thought about it...To paraphase something a poster Noodle here once said, "If WSs knew what went on in the minds of BSs, they would likely never sleep with both eyes closed"....I get that totally...Perfectly understandable...The difference is that you did not act upon those thoughts...

Mrs. W

I did have a wayward within me. I had to fight it the 14+ years we were together. My tendancies were to stray. There were times when I was asked to got to a co-worker's apt for lunch.(No food involved) I didn't do it. I was so close so many times, but kept the monster at bay. Then low and behold, my great christian wife does it and keeps it secret for a long time. You damn right I retaliated. Thats the first thing she said, "Please dont retaliate!". She knew it was coming. She tried to take the wrath of it, then get on w/ recovery, but its wasn't possible w/ me. I wasnt asked beforehand. I have no regrets and I have no doubt I can be w/ another loving woman and treat them w/ the utmost respect again. ie I ain't changed. I changed a situation, not for life.

moving on up.....don't you all just MISS Star????...(sigh)

not2fun

Bump for ZW.

More encouraging words!!!!!

Bump for mymissy.

Thanks for bumping this, it is most useful right now!

I'm sitting here at D-day +17 and the original post sums up where I'm at right now.

When I first found out I was terrified. Having the real possibility of divorce staring you in the face is a real eye-opener.

I posted this just two days ago:

"I came to a little bit of peace yesterday. I am not SCARED of divorce anymore. When I first found out about the affair and realized it was a strong possibility, it frightened the hell out of me.

I don't want D, I would hate for it to happen, hate what it would do to the kids, hate to not have my wife and best friend with me anymore, but I am not scared.

I am making positive changes in my life and will come out of this a better man, better father, and better husband (either to her or beyond). I hope she is with me to see that, but will be fine if she isn't."

One last thing, the more this whole thing progresses, the more I'm seeing the true colors of my wife. Maybe I'll be happier in the end if this doesn't end up working out.

I wish I could be as confident and strong as you are schtoop. No matter how hard I try to conquer this fear, it keeps holding me down. I feel very fearful and almost hopeless.

I'm going to continue doing all I can to fight this fear. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Assuming your W is still a WW you really are not seeing her TRUE colors in a sense.
Wayward minds are locked away in a vault never to be accesed until the NC has been established and they are over the withdrawls and begin to make a concious decision to salvage their life and their M.
Thats when IMHO you will see her true colors.

Having the possibility of a D staring you in the face is scarry.
Having to sacrifice my life and resign myself to a life of unhappiness just beacuse of fear scares me even more.

I am really struck by Dalai Lama's answer to the million dollar question.

Q: What is the purpose of life.
A: The pursuit of happiness.

There is no gurantee in life that you will attain happiness nor is it a constant state of being so I am not looking for a destination called Happiness and planning on retiring there. (although now that I think about it doesnt sound too bad
If I can attain it here and there or on any given day great.
But if I dont even pursue it then what else remains?

BUMPING up to the top

Yes, fear. Resolve to never let a cheater win. Do what it takes to control your life.

Not

Be strong in your words and deeds.

Great quote.

^^^^^^ and last but not least, because FEAR is the greatest immobilizer of all^^^^^^^


Good night Folks.......

Not2fun