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Hi Tarnsy,, Have fun at the wedding!!! ( I love weddings grin)


Tarnsy I was thinking about this last night, and I think your hubby is in his own way working on recovery just from a different angle. For example Wife; We need to work on recovery and take care of our family. Husband: I am working on recovery why do think I am busting my butt so hard in my job, starting my business? So that I can take care of my family.

I read some where that men and women tend to deal with emotional issues on a different time table. And in my case I think that is true, I tend to handle emotional issue immediately and want to talk about it, deal with it, find a solution, answer or what ever. While hubby tends to chew on it awhile. Then later on he'll come to me and say I was thinking about this and this is what I think. KWIM?

When my FWH first came home I tryed to push the recovery, tried to get him him to sit down and read books with me, I would try to show him what HE needed to do to help us recover, I tryed to show him how much he had hurt me, how wrong he was about the FOW, stuff like that and with my husband that doesn't work so well. What I found worked better was I started working on me being the best person F 26 could be, I started to take care of me, still worked on meeting his EN's and the like, but became someone I liked. I just had to let it go, I had to stop expecting him to do the things I wanted him to do when I wanted him to do it.

And in his time schedule he did work on the issues, he figured things out and really has done a awesome job in recovery, but he had to see and work it out for himself.

Am I saying don't hold him accountable for doing the right things like keeping NC and making sure he has his boundries set? Absolutly not! All I am saying is sometimes we just need to give them a little space and let them work it out.

I hope this makes sense, anyway have a great weekend I am off for a mini vacation with hubby!!! hurray


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
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Hi Tarnsy,

I am just stopping in to say Hi and let you know that I have been thinking of you. I simply haven't had much time to stop in to MB for the past couple of months.

My 91 year Mother is failing quickly and I fear she will not make it to Christmas when we ahave booked a trip to visit her and my older Brother. And my DD 23 is getting divorced. While I am not surprised, I am sad for her and my GS who will only turn 3 in December. I don't think that infidelity is playing a role here, just immaturity. MY SIL is pretty self obsorbed and never really grew up enough to actually be either a husband or a father and while my DD wanted to try and work things out, he said it was too much trouble. It hasn't helped that the Air Force reassigned him to Monteray California and left DD in South Dakota.

Sorry to have gotten off topic, but I am encouraged to read the updates from you. Yes, it is tough to achieve recovery, and all of us have wondered over and over again whether or not we were wasting our time while in the midst of the process.

I believe that for those of us who finally are recovered, we know it was worth it. I have reached the point that none of it matters to me anymore - it doesn't hurt, it doesn't even make me mad anymore. It is actually sort of like it happened to someone else at this point. It's kind of a relief to look at FWH and not think "you cheating &*(^&*%^$$%#^*(*&*&^%%^$, why did you do this to us?"

Try to keep in mind that what you are experiencing is completely normal....and come here to vent1

Take Care,

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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Tarnsy,thanks for your reply to my question....so glad for you to have your hubbie back...

I always read your thread,although I am not experienced enough to offer you much advice!!..

Hang in there....



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Hi Who,

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with so much at the moment, my thoughts are with you. You have been a wonderful support to me over the months and I know that your family will benefit from your wisdom and compassion.

I hope that your mother is not suffering and although I know it is no consolation, I hope you can take comfort from the fact that she has had a long life.

My heart goes out to your daughter and grandson, whenever a M ends, whatever the circumstances, it is a traumatic time for all involved. I know how important my parents where to me in the beginning of this rollercoaster.

Thx for the comforting words. I have veered towards not caring whether WH and I R or not the last few days but I have tried today to be more positive and so far WH seems to be responding likewise.

It's reassuring to know that it is "normal" to have these feelings. I hope that I can hang in here long enough to finally get to the point where I don't think of the A continually.

H&P, I haven't had a chance to ask WH about his thoughts re my family yet, we have had a tough couple of days, nothing awful just resentment on both out parts and I will admit here that I find it hard to get my head around the fact that WH could possibly have any resentment towards me, after all, I'm the FAITHFUL one, I didn't walk out on my family, leaving my children crying in the street, anything I may have done in the past pales into insignificance compared to his A. But hey, as I keep reading here, his feelings are valid grumble

F26, I hope you and your hubby have a great time. I cannot tell you how much it means to hear that people I have never met take the time to give thought to my particular sitch, you are all amazing! hug

I may not be able to update for a while, my PC has no internet connection and WH's laptop died completely so am having to borrow from BIL when I can. Hope it won't be too long before I can get here as I definitely feel less positive about things when I can't post/read here

tarnsy


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
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Hi Tarnsy I hope you can get you 'puter up soon or I'll go thru Tarnsy withdraws LOL,, Our trip was great it was so nice to get out of town for awhile and since it was training for him his company paid so even better!!

We went and saw "Fireproof" and it was really good, Hubby and I cryed and hugged thru it. He can be so sweet when he wants to be. grin

You are doing good girl, keep up the good work and keep your positive attitude, I know how hard it is but it does get better. Remember it is going to take a lot of time, and most of the time it will seem like you are taking one step forward and two back, but keep on, don't give up.

Talk to soon smile F 26





Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
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bump for Tarnsy,,, I know you said you were having computer issues, but still wanted you to know I was thinking of you. lashes


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 204
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Hi F26 and anyone else keeping up with my thread.

Finally managed to get on the laptop lol! WH brings it home occasionally after work and then there are four of us scrambling to get online!

I don't realy have any news to tell, no break through with WH still, he still doesn't think that he needs to do anything for us to get over the whole A sitch. In fact he said the other day that as "he wasn't as bad as he could have been" ie it was "only" an EA till he left home that he doesn't see the need to apologise. I see this as him still being in the fog but am beginning to wonder if he is ever going to come out of it.

He hasn't even apologised to DD's and still says that "I didn't leave the girls, I left you". As you can imagine this sort of statement really winds me up so I called him on it the other day and when he said it again last week I called the girls into the dining room to ask them how they felt about this. Before they walked in WH raised his voice, got out of his seat and said "[censored] you Tarnsy" and gave me the 2 fingered sign. crazy :RollieEyes: Honestly, it's times like this when I think he's never gonna get it and want to tell him to leave. BTW when asked DD's did say that they felt that WH left them and who can blame them, he did, but he has justified his leaving them by saying that he only left me for so long now that that is what he really believes. sigh

WH business has now closed and he has started again with all his siblings. Now we are facing bankruptcy. And to top it all, I found out that WH put the family home up as security for a variety of loans for the business which he has defaulted on. The home that he was not living in at the time but was still paying the mortgage for, whilst he was living with the ho. How could he be willing to potentially make his DD's homeless, WH may have lost out financially but if he had stayed in his A then he would still have had a home, it would have been me and the girls who would've found ourselves on the street! mad I never cease to be amazed at the W mindset and how utterly selfish and thoughtless they are. I do wonder if it's too late for WH, maybe he spent too long as a W and the man I married has gone forever, who knows, and I don't know how much longer I am willing to hang around to find out.

I wrote WH a letter a couple of weeks ago telling him how I was feeling and how I was disappointed that many of the things I have asked for - affection, keeping in touch during the day, affection, conversation, affection - haven't materialised. As soon as he read the letter, he immediately began making more of an effort but unfortunately this only lasted for 24 hours! What do I need to do? As you can see from above, my no1 EN is Affection but I am getting very little other than a peck on the lips. (We are having SF still and I have no worries in that dept, in fact, when WH kisses me then it's very passionately!)I have spelt out what I would like him to do, cuddling up on the sofa, holding hands if we're out, a little slap on the butt blush. I tried to do these things to WH for the first 6 weeks or so that he came home but got so fed up of not getting anything back that I stopped, not deliberately but I began to feel awkward doing any of those things and yes, I have told WH this. Should I take the initiative on this and hope that WH will reciprocate in a similar manner or should I withhold A in the hope that WH will realise that something is missing that we used to enjoy?

On the whole, I think that the fact that we cannot spend much time together alone has had a detrimental effect on our R. WH is working all day during the week and often during the evenings and also has been putting in the hours at the weekends. We missed our dancing class 3 weeks running as for 2 of those weeks WH had hurt his back and then I had to take DD15 to London for a concert. We managed to get there this week and WH agreed that it made a difference to how we both felt and reacted towards each other so we both know that we need to spend the time together to make this work.

Well, I'm sure that there is much more I should have recounted here but TBH I can't remember at the mo! Not being able to post as and when things happen is not helpful! Don't know when I will be able to get the computer fixed as last week my oven decided it couldn't cook anymore and just this morning my washing machine leaked all over the kitchen floor! Unfortunately, I can't afford to get everything sorted out as quickly as I would like so please bear with me if I don't post again for a while.

Thanx for listening to me rant!


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
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Tarnsy I know others have said it, but it takes time, a lot of time.

I really don't have any advice to give.

Yes you guys need to make spending time together a priority, if he can't dance maybe a walk or a car ride, just so you can be alone.

As far as the kids go, my hubby feels the same way and still has not addressed anything with them. Yes my kids are way older then your girls, but it still affected them, 'specially my daughter who was living at home at the time. Her relationship with her father is still no where near what it us to be. It is sad but in my case I feel that they have to work it out and I hope they do.

I hope that things work out that you will not lose your home on top of everything else.

It never ceases to amaze me how so many of the WS's don't think about the long term ripple effects their actions cause.

You really are doing good, it's a long road!

F26





Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: Dec 2007
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Tarnsy, I too check up on your situation regularly....

I sometimes wonder when the W is a man, wether they are scared to dig deep and be truly honest about their feelings....they might not like what they find....

Men are a proud lot.....admitting how selfish etc they have been is difficult.....
That said its by no means an excuse to let them get away with not dealing with these issues..

I often think that counseling,although a good thing, can also open up a can of worms....

Although I would like to recover my marriage I'm petrified of recovery....it seems so hard.....


BS;ME43,WH45
DS19,DS16
DDay:6Dec06
WH left12Dec06
DIV:3Dec08
WH marries OW 21days later!







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Well, I am sitting here mad as he;; and shaking like a leaf. Turns out WH has been in contact with the ho, how often I don't know as I haven't been able to check his work emails but I discovered this email moments ago on another email account.

Hi Hun,

would of sent this email to your works address, but I don't have it.

Got to the hotel around 11pm last night, long day. Today went to the hospital with Lou to go through all the necessary details with her surgeon before tomorrows op. We have to be at the hospital by 8am tomorrow morning.

About to have a walk around Brugge, so beautiful here with all the cobble streets and 15 century buildings. Brings back all the good memories of when I lived here. lou staying in the room, for she's fast asleep at the moment. So hay way not lets go and explore.

I didn't mean to be harsh with you yesterday hun, but i meant what I said. For you and I to move forward and talk about our future together. The only way I can take you 100% totally committed to moving on, is for you to move to your parents. The fact that you go back to her and share the same bed makes me very uneasy. The longer you leave it you will lose me.

I don't like telling anyone what to do, but time has gone by and nothing has changed since you said you want me back.

I shall update you on things here through the week.

Huge hugs and a kiss.
The Hoxxxxxxxxxxxx

So they have been talking about getting back together after she apparently told him that she would never take him back. Maybe I should just let her have him, he certainly hasn't been meeting any of my EN's and quite frankly his being home has been a bit of a let down. I guess I didn't raise the bar high enough for his return. Everyone said that the fact that he wouldn't send the NC letter was a huge red flag but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Well, no more.

The question I have to ask myself now is do I even want to give him another chance? If so, should I go back to plan B or just look at this as a stumbling block and give him a list of requirements for recovery?

Please help, I will be able to check in again later, I have a Dr's appt shortly as I have run out of AD's - I had been expecting to tell Dr that I wouldn't need another prescription, guess that has changed now cry


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
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Posts: 258
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Oh Tarnsy I am so sorry,, I know how much that hurts.

I found a card from the Fow once about 6 months after he came home that read "I was born to love you", and then she wrote "hurry home to me baby" puke.

I didn't call him on it, I was too afraid to.

In hindsight I should have confronted him on it, and the phone calls but I didn't. We have since talked about that and I said to him I should of held you a lot more accountable then I did and he agreed with me.

I have no advice for you, I don't understand why or how he can continue with her.

God this make me sick I hope someone out there has some really sage advice for you,, I am so sorry F-26


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 204
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Hi F26,

yeah, this sucks. I called WH at the office as soon as I found the email. According to him, he first contacted the ho about 3 weeks ago and they have met up once at his old office, tho as he is still obviously W, it has probably been going on for longer than that. WH showed absolutely no shame, guilt or remorse when I confronted him and although he admitted as much as he did, he did say that he hadn't actually told her he wanted to go back to her, she had assumed that part - yeah, whatever!

I just don't know what I want to do. On the one hand I know false recoveries are often expected and par for the course but on the other hand I wonder if it will be worth it in the long run. WH said about himself that he is a shallow person now, that he is not a nice person and a failure - I can't disagree anymore, altho I know he WAS a good person, maybe he just isn't anymore.... frown

F26, I see in your sig that you had many false recoveries. Could you expand on that a little - how long did it take for your H to stop having C? Did he get on board with the MB principles?

Thx tarnsy


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
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Posts: 258
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Tarnsy I made some big misstakes when hubby first came home,, in my defence I had not found this site until he was home about 18 months, even then he was still in limited contact with her.

He had transferred after about a year of being home so there wasn't anymore physical contact but they would talk via phone or email. Always came up with a good reason why when confronted, her mom was sick, this that or the other, I would get mad he would promise never again and rinse and repeat, this went on way too long!


Almost 2 years ago hubby was acting kinda weird,, like he wanted to tell me something but couldn't anyway my BW senses kicked in and I checked his cell and sure enough she had called him again.

I immediately confronted him about it,, he did the deer in the headlights like "a call from her on my phone,,no I didn't do it".

I went balistic, I almost left him that night I went to the atm machine to draw out as much money as I could and I was gone.

Long story longer bank was down couldn't get any cash anywhere.

So I went home and called the FOW and wanted to know what was going on,, of course that was useless she wouldn't tell me anything just kept saying ask your husband I don't have anything to do with it. dontknow

OK that night we had it out, and the next day.

It wasn't until that time that he finally understood why he could have NC ever with her no matter the reason even if he "wasn't doing anything wrong" it had to stop and since that day there has been 3 attemps of contact from her, once she and he ran into each other (we live in a nearby town,, small town)
he immediately called me and told me.

2nd time she called around his birthday he hung up on her as soon as he recognised the voice,, and immediately called me.

3rd and last time a email that cused him out for hanging up on her, again he told me and closed account (I verified account closed)

So to answer your queston about 2.5 years, again misstake on my part I should have never let it go on as long as it did, it nearly destroyed me, here I was going to IC because I couldn't get over "it" and he was still having contact doesn't matter how limited contact was contact period.

So I am the last one to give advise on what to do.

I hope wiser minds speak up F-26



Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 204
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Thx F26,

They really do push us to extremes, don't they. I can't help thinking that WH is pleased that I discovered this as in his mind it will mean that I have good reason to kick him out. Then he can pursue the ho and I will be the bad guy for chucking him out :RollieEyes:

Do I give him what he wants or not? Yes, I want my marriage but at what expense? Hard work doesn't even begin to describe this and can I do it if WH is not onboard with MB?

I have to tell everyone that I told DD's that WH has been in contact with the ho. DD15 was only a little surprised, after all she said to me before WH came home that he would do this to me again! I told them because I was on the verge of telling WH not to come home but wanted to warn DD's first. DD9 was adamant that she doesn't want me to tell WH to leave, DD15 wasn't bothered so much.

Anyway, DD's took the initiative in sending the ho an email!Basically, DD15 called OW many derogatory names and told her to keep away from our family. OW then must have called WH to tell him and WH called me to tell me and DD that we had messed up big time lol!! Tried to explain that if WH hadn't contacted OW in the first place then DD wouldn't have sent the email! Honestly, where do they get off?!

So at the mo, WH just came home to take DD9 swimming, didn't really talk to me but told DD15 that he was horrified and disgusted at the things she said. I was not in the room when he said this and DD only told me after WH had left. I told her that she should have told WH that she is horrified and disgusted at him for what he has done to us and that whatever happens she hasn't done anything wrong. She is entitled to the truth and to her feelings. I can't believe that WH is trying to blame us for whatever happens next. It's like when W's blow up at the BS after exposure, in fact, WH did say to me "you've really f*ucked up now", I take it from that that it will be my fault that this happened and any consequences from it, oh well, tell someone who gives a damn!

Any suggestions anyone for how I play this when WH gets home in about 2 hours? It may not sound like it from this post but I DO WANT my marriage to survive, I just need to know that it will be worth it in the end.

thx tarnsy


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
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Doesn't that just slay you he's more upset by what the DD said to OW then what he did. It's rich,,

although Tarnsy if you can maybe try to buffer the girls from what your H is doing for right now, I understand why you told them in case you or he decided that he should leave, but still I think if you can let this be handled between you and him KWIM?


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
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Hi Tarnsy,

I've followed your thread and I'm sorry for your discovery. I know your devastation during my 4 D-Days.

While it's too late to try to resurrect the red-flag because he would not send the NC letter, it might be good have that (NC letter) be the minimum to giving him another chance.

Another poster mgolfer1971 is just experiencing his first devastation day and if you haven't, please check out his thread. He is seeking info and acting with strength and convictions and it seems that his WW is/will respond. I wish I had his resources from here on MB when I was fumbling through discovery/confrontation/withdrawal.

You've been in Plan B so you know what it's like to be on your own and you said things were almost better before he came home.

After 4 D-Days (not sure how many you've had) my WH was willing to do anything to help me heal. We were able to get away for a 10 day vacation immediately after D-Day #4 and WH proved that he was willing to follow through on his promise.

What is your WH willing to do? What is the least you'll accept? If there is more remorse for 'getting caught' than he shows for 'violating you and his family', I don't think I could continue if I were you. (But that's just me, not sure about you.)

Again, sorry for your pain Tarnsy. We'll support you in what you choose.

Best wishes,
Ace



FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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F26, I know what you mean but I have been honest with the girls right from the start. They have had the misfortune of having to meet the ho and neither of them liked her. I have tried to always state things in a calm, non-judgemental way but I did make it clear to DD's that it was WH's A that destroyed our family, not anything I or they had done before that. As such they blame her for WH leaving as opposed to blaming WH which would only be another problem we would have to deal with in R. I hope that they don't have to deal with anymore heartache.

Ace, thx for taking the time to reply, I remember you posting to me before. I hope that I don't have 4 d-days!! How did you cope with so much betrayal? This is my 3rd and hopefully my last! We had a very brief false recovery 6mths into this which was when I found this site. It was 2 years yesterday since I got the "I don't love you anymore and I haven't for years" speech. WH left 2 weeks later and I found out about the ho about 1 week later.

WH has just returned and is in a VERY bad mood. He is still blaming me for intercepting his email and for DD's honest response to OW. I am ashamed to say that I haven't been able to avoid an AO or 2. I can't contain my anger at WH for putting us through this again and for putting the blame onto an upset and disappointed teenager. I wonder if being honest is worth the pain.

Well, it's not looking good. WH has told DD's that he doesn't love me (again) and thinks that they will accept this as a good enough reason for him leaving again. He has told them that the reason he doesn't love me is because I am not working at the moment - I have been job hunting and have applied a few times and put my name down on a few waiting lists but even xmas jobs are hard to come by. I think this is just a convenient excuse, he can't think of anything else that I have/have not done and can't admit - at least to himself - that his actions have caused all this.

I will update tomorrow, have a feeling tonight is going to be an eventful one. Wish me luck.

tarnsy

Ace, did your WH ever show any remorse after your first 3 d-days, this is what I am struggling with, as WH has shown no regrets I wonder if I should just go straight to plan D. And I will check out that thread but as my own R is going so badly, I'm not sure that I have any words of wisdom.


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
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Ace, did your WH ever show any remorse after your first 3 d-days, this is what I am struggling with, as WH has shown no regrets I wonder if I should just go straight to plan D.

Yes he did show remorse initially. Then he became the model husband, but he was still addicted to the 'high' of the adventure. After D-day #1, he waited a week to start another secret email account, which I discovered within a day.

He was remorseful, but started another secret account within another week, trying to just be friends with OW. It took me a month to find that one (I never looked....I think a little angel told me). He wrote an NC email that we both sent (but OW thought I had written it).

He was still addicted but seeming to be committed to us until D-Day #4 when he was playing their online game looking for her (thank God she had quit playing by then), but several months later, our MC said that the fact that he was actively seeking and lied to me about how many times he played their game (that the history button disputed ~ but he didn't know that) it was as if he had actually reconnected due to his intention.

Your husband seems intent to go to OW and blame you for it.

To me, he does not seem remorseful for anything he's done...only for the fact that he got caught and you've told DD's. (I might not have done that, but in your case it doesn't seem to really matter.)

If I were you, Tarnsy, I would think long and hard before giving him another chance. Here's how I would judge if it was worth it.

He needs to willingly commit to doing everything to help you heal. (NC letter, NC for life, total transparancy, professional MC, etc.)

Quote
And I will check out that thread but as my own R is going so badly, I'm not sure that I have any words of wisdom.

I did not mention that thread for you to contribute anything...only for you to read how decisive the poster is....and to see that he is getting results it seems because of his decisiveness and willingness to take immediate action. AND he is staying calm...no AOs or LBs. He's in control.

You've been dealing with your WH's behavior for over 2 years ~ way more than I could handle. There's a reason he is getting away with cake-eating (having you AND OW):

Because He Can.

My WH knew that he could not continue living with the fantasy of OW (he had not even reconnected....he was just trying to see if he could resist her if she was still playing that game....he was still addicted to the adventure.)

When he said he'd leave, I told him to go. (Story in my sig line.)

For your situation, I believe that once you allowed him to NOT send the NC letter, it gave him 'permission' to continue feeding his addiction with the convenience of living with you and DDs.

But that's passed. You can spell out the conditions now. If he takes it with enthusiastic effort to do anything and everything to help you heal, I think you have a chance. If he argues and refuses to send an NC letter, if it were me....I'd go to plan D.

You deserve better than this, Tarnsy. I know it will be difficult until you get a job. Are you able to get family help in the meantime (sorry if you've addressed this aspect but I've missed it.)

In my very humble opinion, that's the only way you avoid 4 D-days. What mgolfer1971 is doing should help him avoid any future D-Days, too.

Hope that helps. Sorry for the delay ~ and that I can't post during the daytime.

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 204
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He was remorseful, but started another secret account within another week, trying to just be friends with OW. It took me a month to find that one (I never looked....I think a little angel told me). He wrote an NC email that we both sent (but OW thought I had written it).

My WH has not shown any remorse. Well, actually he did for a while but that was over a year ago. At that time he would often come here and cry about the sitch but then again it was probably more for himself than for me or DD's.

With NC being broken this time, he has not tried to justify it by saying he just wants to be friends with OW, he has not given me any excuse other than to say he had a moment of weakness.

Quote
To me, he does not seem remorseful for anything he's done...only for the fact that he got caught and you've told DD's.

I completely agree with this. It seems that WH is totally unable to see that his actions have consequences for anyone other than himself - that he is the only one hurting and that he is not to blame for any of this.

Quote
He needs to willingly commit to doing everything to help you heal. (NC letter, NC for life, total transparancy, professional MC, etc.)

I wrote a list a few weeks ago of all the things I need for WH to do for me for such a time as this. I think I wrote 10 or 12 things down, including those you suggested. I'm thinking of giving it to WH tonite but I don#t know if he will be very receptive. If he doesn't agree to my list of requirements then I guess it's plan D time.

Last night was not as eventful as I expected, DD's were around till 10.30 (school holidays here) so we didn't have a lot of time to talk. Well, I talked, WH didn't say much. Apparently he has mixed feelings about me which wasn't a big surprise. Altho when I asked him what his feelings for me were I was fully expecting to hear that he was indifferent to me, if he had said that then I would have gone to plan D. WH is being a totally closed book about his feelings, it is like drawing blood!! I ask him questions and he either will not say anything or changes the subject.

It went on like this for about 30 mins, me asking him to explain things, him staring into space. We slept in the same bed but there was a massive gap between us all night.

Well, I have to stop for now, have to go and get the dinner ready but will hopefully be able to add more later

thx everyone

tarnsy



BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,903
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If I could, offer you a different perspective, and possibly by looking at it this way you can make decisions for you and yoiur family...

In my experience, the WS is like an addict. Think of OP as their drug of choice. The addict will become a different person when the y are still 'using'. They will try to control and manipulate the situation to get what they want. They don't care who they hurt to get what they want. They become very selfish and dangerous to be around, because they will destroy whatever is in their life that keeps them from their drug.

From your description this past few weeks (months?) it was clear that he was still 'using'. Yes, an addict goes through a detox and withdrawal phase, but that looks different than what you are describing, which is more of the same hurtful behavior.

So how do you wrest the control out of the addicts hands and back into your hands? Your DD's will have keen insight into what is right or wrong in this situation. They will be able to see clearly about what needs to happen, they are able to see things in more black and white.

How can you protect yourself and your DD's from the destructive path of the addict? How much are you willing to accept?

If this were alcohol or drugs, how long or how much would you accept? And what would you need to see to accept a change?

Because of the occluded nature of an A, we tend to accept too little.

From personal experience with addiction AND an A, I can tell you, you KNOW when the WH has your best interests at heart, and when they don't...your intuition knows what to do, your woman's heart knows what to do, you are fighting against yourself because you don't want to do it...

It's time...


Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!
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