A gift for someone with cervical cancer? Ewwwww....that's in very poor taste if that's the reason.

To sell to raise money for a cure for cervical cancer?

I don't know, it's just WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Charlotte

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Maybe it would be good to have a healthy womb? Maybe the project was conceived as a way to celebrate female-ness? I don't know..... Fortunately, I have never had cancer but I have read somewhere that someone knitted one of these for a friend who had just had a hysterectomy for an unstated reason.

Knitted Knockers

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

Charlotte, I just saw this posted on the page with the knitted naughties (see Chai's thread).......Hi! I just knitted up the cute uterus from Knitty--you can find it on knitty.com under the pattern section. It's called "womb". It is so funny. I've been trying to get pregnant for 2 years and have had 4 miscarriages...it just seemed so appropriate! I'm going to knit up a uterus for my infertility doctor as well for a good laugh. Hope this helps!


NOW, LISTEN UP EVERYONE!!!

Get back to the topic as posted!!!!!!

Three men waiting outside the pearly gate: Their bodies grossly distorted.

The first explains "I knew my wife cheating when I arrived home early to our penthouse apartment. I must have just missed him. I frustration I picked up a heavy chest freezer and tossed it over the balcony. Apart from the hernia, I suffered cardiac arrest and... well here I am."

The second continues: "I was walking along the road just quietly minding my own business when I was savagely struck from above by a chest freezer"

There is a looong pause.

The third man begins: "I was quietly sitting in this chest freezer..."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."

Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with!"

For those men who like pushing the barriers ..........



"Honey," said the husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for dinner."

"What?... Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Foe those men who never learn ...

A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "How about letting them go first mate. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mum, would you?"

The man says, "No fear. Gawd I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."

The church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house.......and left it there all night.

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a ride in the car, he sticks his head out the window?

If PRO means 'for' and CON means 'against' and since PROgress means to make headway in a specific direction or toward a specific goal, what does CONgress mean?

Just wondering...

Mark

A plethora of individuals with culinary expertise can ruin a concoction created by steeping assorted comestibles.


Members of an avian species of like plumage tend to congregate in large numbers.


Those dwelling in shelters made of thin layers of a transparent super-cooled liquid made of silica, lime and water should never hurl projectiles.




Thanks to Howard Cosell and Spiro Agnew.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
This was sent to me the other day from WS, who is in the financial planning industry.....



When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her,

"but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.


Not2fun

On an island way out on the middle of the ocean lived a king that was dearly loved by his people. He was a gracious and benevolent ruler and wise judge.

His subjects loved him so much that they secretly pooled all the gold they had and made for him a solid gold throne. Though he tried to refuse it when presented to him as a gift, the people insisted and it was his most prized possession, not because of its worth but because of its meaning.

But like all remote places on Earth eventually civilization began to catch up with this little island and before long there were tourists arriving every day to enjoy the sand, the sun and the surf.

As the crime rate rose on the little island nation the king's faithful servant feared that one of these visitors would covet the king's throne and attempt to steal it and haul it away. He finally convinced the king that they should hide it whenever the tourists were about.

So the king and his faithful servant used ropes to lift the throne high into the rafters of the king's thatched-roof dwelling and hid it with palm fronds.

What they couldn't have known was that the rafters had begun to dry rot form all the humidity on this tiny island and they had become weakened. In the middle of the night they gave way and the throne came crashing down and killed the beloved king as he slept on his mat.

The moral of the story is...

People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.


Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female."

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White."

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the h@ll does religion have to do with it?"




Counter guy says, "The Muslim one, blows itself up!"

Three guys are wandering lost in the desert. They've been without water for a couple of days and food for almost a week.

Suddenly they hear a noise overhead, "FOO...FOO..."

They look up and see this gigantic bird flying above them. Just as they look up, the bird craps and it hits one the men, "SPLAT," right on the head.

"What the...? the guys says and brushes it off his face cursing.

Within minutes he lays on the ground gasping for breath. Within an hour he's dead.

His friends bury him in the sand and continue their wandering.

The next afternoon they hear this sound, "FOO...FOO..." They see the bird coming from in the distance and try to scramble toward some rocks to find shelter. But before they get there the bird craps and it hits one of them right between the shoulder blades.

"Damned bird" the guy exclaims as he struggles to get his shirt off.

As he fights with his clothing he begins to shake then falls to the ground gasping for air. His remaining friend sits with him all night and watches his second friend die a slow agonizing death.

He buries his friend and continues trying to find his way to safety. Nearing exhaustion and suffering from dehydration, he sees a town off in the distance and struggles to pick up the pace. The town is a long way off, much farther than he first would have guessed and before long he is literally crawling along trying to reach safety.

Then he hears it..."FOO...FOO..." and he crawls faster unable to get to his feet to run. Again it comes across the burning sand..."FOO...FOO..." and then he gets hit squarely on the back of his head..."SPLAT!"

He is about to brush it off when he stops and thinks. "My friends died, but they didn't die until they cleaned this [censored] off." If it was the [censored] that killed them, then I will die...."

"But if it was cleaning it off that caused them to die, then maybe if I leave it..."

Just then he hears another noise. This one is a low droning sound that seems to be getting nearer by the second. From out of nowhere two guys on ATVs appear. They see him at once and rush over to find him nearly dead. They offer him some water and tell him they are part of a rescue party that his wife has brought together to try to find him.

As he begins to recover, he tells them of the bird. The guys figure he is just delusional and load him onto one of the ATVs and take him to safety.

Back in civilization, he keeps his promise to not clean off the bird poop and goes on to a happy and prosperous life with his wife and children and grandchildren.

The moral, of course, is...

If the FOO sh!ts, wear it!

Roger marries at 85
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already ?"

The moral of the story : Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its advantages.

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven.
"The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.