mg71,

Thanks for the updated info ... it helps to form your plan. Look, this is the most important thing on your plate right now, but I also understand real world responsibility and logistics.

THEREFORE, CALL your WW NOW and ask her to make her choice:

"I know of your activities with XXX, you have one opportunity to confess and come home or I will blow up your whole world. What's it going to be?"

Her answer will determine you next move.

Regardless of her answer, be prepared to expose your YOUR parents, you will need their help with kids, etc. in the next few days. Also, plan to confront OM before he gets on the bus/plane to go to the game.

If she will agree to confess and come home, then you have a chance. One NON-NEGOTIABLE condition would be that she IMMEDIATELY resign as cheerleading coordinator (TODAY ... RIGHT NOW AND COME HOME) ... her answer to this and her overall remoursefullness will determine whether she will have to quit her job also, either voluntarily by her resigning or involuntarily by you exposing to the University and her being terminated.

I KNOW this is scary and there WILL be a FIRESTORM ... expect it and prepare for it ... YOU have done NOTHING wrong so don't apologize for being the head of your family and doing everything in your power to protect it. UNDERSTAND??? BE STRONG, CONFIDENT & CALM!!!

Do not yell, scream or threaten (either with your WW or OM), just calmly state your knowledge and terms ... BELIEVE ME, it will unnerve the he11 out of them. There is nothing as POWERFUL as a cool, calm and collected BH.

PLEASE learn from the experience here ... you are only going to get ONE shot at this ... follow the plan and you will likely be able to preserve your family and your self-respect.

Now, GO GET'EM!!!

MG

If you can go then I would. But my concern is that when you are there things could get out of hand. Are you capable of controlling any violent tendencies? I ask that because this situation is explosive. What if she chooses him on the spot?(WS can be completely stupid when given an ultimatum). Can you maintain?

In either case, make sure you have your evidence safe.

If I could have stopped the "first time" they got physical I would have. And I had a chance but didn't know it.

So if you go, you don't give ultimatums. You tell her that you know. You do this calmly, not half crazy. You tell her that she needs to end it immediately. You tell her that you want to work on your M(if you do). No threats. She'll just get her back up against the wall if you do. You are not trying to humiliate her now, you are trying to save the M and the family. Think about your goal and how to get there. Don't do things that you will regret later.

Do not cry or beg. She will see this as weak. You are putting your foot down and standing up to protect your family.

Having a talk with the OM is also a very explosive situation. Can you handle that? If you talk to him before he leaves then he will contact your WW before you get to her. She will then have time to think up something. You might want to figure out the timing on this better.

The only thing that I have to stress is to stay as calm as possible. Any public scenes will make you look like the insane H. That won't be good for you.

MG, please think this through. Right now your emotions are on defcon 5. There is a lot of work to be done and it takes years to get through it. Start the journey on the right foot. Know your limitations and protect yourself here. Don't make ANY rash decisions.

You're doing the "betrayed husband dance of denial".

You NEED to get to your wife ASAP. It is more important than your job. If your employer is worth working for, they will understand. You might as well tell your boss/supervisor what's going on now, because you're probably going to be missing significant amounts of work in the near future, regardless how this all turns out.

You need to expose her. Period. If she gets blackballed, so be it. That's what she gets for SLEEPING WITH A STUDENT OF THE UNIVERSITY.

Will OM really be "gone completely"? Just gone from the university isn't good enough.

What, he can't bang her if he's not enrolled?

You should go after "cheerboy", too. Let HIM know you know what's going on, and that you won't hesitate to let everyone around him know what's going on.



Are you really going to give OM the chance to sleep with your wife because of a function at a country club? Really?

Me, I would've tossed babies aside to stop my wife from sleeping with OM the first time. Really.

As far as confronting him or her first...you could go to his bus/plane and talk to him, and after the "conversation, while standing right in front of him call your wife. Tell her that you know and OM knows that you know. No threats. The A must end NOW. Do this calmly...it will be VERY unnerving to a college kid.

Wait for her response and that will dictate your next move.

Not bad, but it would be even more effective if he's standing right next to his wife when OM arrives.

Preferably, with a "glare of death" look on his face.

I agree with everything you've been told, pretty much:
1. Store the evidence in a safe place
2. Expose, to all interested parties at once, without warning!

One thing I wouldn't do:
She'll just get a secret email account and/or secret cellphone if you do this. Just tell her you know she's having an A with OM.

When you expose, the purpose is NOT revenge or punishment. It's NOT to get folks to take sides for you or your WW. It's to shine the light of day upon the A. Affairs thrive in secrecy. When everyone knows, the guilt and shame and accusatory looks make it not so attractive. When you expose, the message is short and simple: WW is having an A with OM. I want to repair our marriage and would appreciate any support that you could give WW, me, and our M.

When you tell your children, keep it age-appropriate.
Mommy has a boyfriend and married people aren't supposed to have boyfriends. This makes me very unhappy and angry and hurts my feelings. I still love Mommy and I am trying to work this out. Mommy and I both love you guys VERY much!

Exposure is a scary thing to do, and most BS hesitate to expose. I hesitated, and I wish now I hadn't. Exposure is the single most powerful tool in your arsenal for ending this A. Don't expose in dribs and drabs -- her family today, the university staff next week... and so on. It loses its power if you do that. Expose everywhere, all at once, without warning.

When you've done that, keep posting here because you are going to need a lot of help over the next few weeks and months.

Oh, and if/when you see your wife, do NOT raise your voice, cuss her out, or have any kind of angry outburst whatsoever. You can be angry. You can say you're angry. But no yelling, cussing, hitting things, throwing things. In fact, if you have time before you leave, read up on Love Busters and avoid them like the plague. It will be especially hard this weekend. If you don't have time to expose *and* study love busters, expose. Then study LBs.

Hopefully it will be a nonissue, because he's on his way to his wife's location right now.

Agree that your boss probably will find out anyway. You won't be able to hide the chaos that's about to come around.

You are going to need to expose. But don't tell her that you are going to do it. Don't show your hand. If she denies the A when you talk to her, then you start the exposure. Cheerleading will be the first to go. Obviously, being around young single guys is a weakness of hers and she will need to get away from that if you ever want to R.

Personally, I never told my kids about my FWH's A. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary to them so I didn't tell them. However, if she moves out they will have to be told. Also if things get drastically difficult at home if she stays they will have to be told something, something that is age appropriate.

No need to expose to kids, but definate need to expose to university. It is NOT YOUR FAULT that she chose to get involved with this guy. Would you want someone like this around your SON in college. Or worse flip the situation. Would you want your daughter around someone like this in college?

Your wife cannot be trusted around college men. Your wife cannot be trusted around other men. If you do not blow this up, your wife will steam roll you and probably continue the affiar. If you do blow it up, who knows? It will definately make it a he77 of a lot more difficult for it to continue. And she will realize that her actions have consequences...what it could cost her (i.e. not only her job, she deserves to lose that but her marriage and kids).

I have a college-age son. If I found out he was involved with a faculty member, I would be livid! How dare she intrude in his life! How dare she ALLOW this to happen! Even if my son is "of age", even at that age he's still not mature enough to fully understand the consequences or realize the impact that this will have on the rest of his life. What if she got pregnant, heaven forbid? If this was a male faculty member carrying on with a female student, I guarantee you, heads would roll.

Sheesh! This is a no-brainer. Your wife is wrong, wrong, wrong, and isn't fit to be on the faculty of a college where there are impressionable young men around.

Sorry if this is harsh... just the mother in me.

Expose this woman. Hopefully your wife will replace this vamp and be appalled at her behavior... as she should be.

I'll take a slightly contrary opinion here regarding exposure, but I don't think your first move should be to expose this to the cheerleading squad and the university.

I think you have an opportunity to reveal the severe consequences of your wife's adultery to her and
"bring her to Jesus" so to speak. I would call her and tell her that you know and that you have indisputable proof. Tell her you want to work on the marriage and fix all the things that were wrong with it so you can move forward into a happy future. Be absolutely clear though that it won't happen while she is having an affair with a college student and tell her you will do everything within your power to end the affair so your marriage can recover. She can make a choice to resign and come home or you will have no choice but to expose the affair to everyone in order to end it.

The purpose of exposure is to end the affair, not to punish the wayward spouse. There is no way that your wife can explain away the emails and naked pictures, so talking to her first won't be shooting yourself in the foot. Definitely expose to the OM today though. He is a college kid, just looking to get some strange. He will bail immediately. I guarantee it.

Ending the affair without placing your wife at ground zero of a nuclear blast could be a deciding factor later in whether you recover your marriage. As long as she UNDERSTANDS how close she was to losing everything, the fact that you saved her from that could really help her to see how good of a man you are.

I agree. His first move should be to get to his wife and act as a human shield between two crotches.

He could be merciful and give her the chance to leave the university completely, or be exposed to everyone and risk being blackballed. It's his prerogative.


A "severe consequence" would be losing her job at the university...packing her stuff up and leaving amidst the humiliating whispers of students and faculty about "the pervy woman who's a borderline kid-toucher".

A "severe consequence" would be getting blackballed from ever performing her job again because she isn't fit, and can't be trusted, to work with young adults whom she has authority over.


Great...so she can spend a weekend sleeping with OM like a monkey on ecstacy (which is probably all she wants, anyway), then come home and morph into a good little wife who, in a moment of weakness, "almost crossed a line but didn't, and BOY is she glad she came to her senses!"


You always expose the spouse first. Without warning. THEN expose OP then and there, before the two "love birds" have a chance to corroborate their stories.


Please. One of the few things that has kept me sane and out of prison through all of this is that I wrecked OM's life by speaking with his wife a few times.

I didn't care about her. I still don't. I called her ONLY to punish OM.

Any BS who says they got no pleasure out of exposing the OP is full of it.

Good stuff, Andrew & Krazy ... I REALLY hope that mg71 is way too busy right now inacting the plan to respond.

I absolutely HATE this place and why its here, but days like this provide some sense of satisfaction that maybe we can spare some poor guy this awful fate. I get the feeling that this guy has "what it takes" to pull this off ... no doubt he's confused and scared, but he seems willing to confront this head-on rather than shy away from his WW's fury of being discovered. I wish there were more BH's with the "stones" this guy seems to possess.

Hopefully, his WW will realize and own her screw-up and see that her H is willing to fight for their family in spite of how she has acted.

I agree 100%. I have always liked your rationality Krazy!

mgolfer,

First let me say, I am substantially older than you are. Second I still own stock in the stock market (that information may or may not be of use to you when evaluating what I am about to say ).

Having been here a long time, I have seen a great deal.

If I were running your life here is what I would have you do.

1. Calm down, a good stroke was never made in panic.

2. You are deeply hurt and will hurt some more, that is normal, accept that for right now.

3. You need to understand your marriage has a chance to survive but it also has a chance to fail. Much of this will be because of your actions and then her decisions. Accept that.

4. You need to realize you have little control over this situation OTHER than enforcing YOUR boundaries.

5. Tell your W you know and you expect HER home on the next plane, bus, or whatever.

6. You DON'T go to her, you stay home you take care of your children, and you do your job.

7. You call her parents, your parents, clergy and seek help, support and guidance in trying to save your marriage.

8. You save your evidence electronically and in print. You make copies and you store them in a safe place. You also secure your finances, close credit cards, move money (not all but enough).

9. You notify the university that you expect your W to be on the next plane HOME and not at the cheerleading event this weekend. You and your lawyer will be visiting them on Monday.

10. You let your children know there are some issues between you and Mom but you will take care of them.

11. You do all of the reading you can possibly do about all of this.

Notice I am telling you to expose. I am also telling you to bring her home and not go to her. Why? You are on HER turf if you go to where she is staying with the cheerleading squad. You may want to confront OM, but you run a few risks in doing this that even if they don't materialize won't gain you much. You want to be on YOUR HOME TURF, ON THE HIGH GROUND.

Young man, you are in a war, and what you are seeing now is only the opening battle of that war. The war will last for years IF the marriage is to be saved.

She is in what we call "the fog" around here. It is a delusional state that says to them, "my happiness is all that matters", and everything will work out fine. The kids won't be hurt, H won't be hurt, family won't be hurt, my career won't be hurt.

You would not argue with someone you KNOW to be delusional, don't argue with her. Simply tell her to be home NOW, you know of the affair and you are starting to take action. Don't tell her what action. Then call her parents and seek their help, call your parents and seek their help. Call clergy and seek help there. And yes call the school and tell them they may have huge legal issues IF she remains with the cheerleaders another moment.

Since you know your W is delusional, you would be wise to not pay alot of attention to what she is going to say right now, even if it is what you want to here. Liars LIE!!!!! she is a liar.

I hope this advice is of use to you. REmember this is going to take a lot of time even if she is on the very next plane and wants to reconcile. If she is not, it will take just as long.

As the folks here can tell you, this whole process takes time and patience.

God Bless,

JL

Here are my odds:

70% he calls his wife and WW and OM get a story about how nothing happened yet (even though what Krazy said happens). They take it underground and we end up helping him when he gets kicked in the gut down the road.

25% he follows the Nuclear Exposure plan and blows it up. She is pissed at him but eventually figures out what a bad person it takes to do what she did. she accepts responsibility and tries to work it out.

5% It doesn't matter what he does, they WW and OM run off together to live happily ever after in Cheer world!

Sweeeeeeet!!!


Can he still do the lipless eunuch thing?

Are his parents subsidizing the kid’s tuition and living expenses? If so, (and you confront) I’d persuasively encourage (threaten) him to ring them up in your presence. You might want to have a chat with them b/c if they're at all decent people they're going to be really pissed at him. You have a lot of ammo to use against this kid and can make his life a living hell for years to come. I have a feeling it will be easier to get rid of him compared to other entrenched types of OM situations. Figure out what tools are in your arsenal and choose well. If you're successful at eradicating this piece of juvenile vermin, you can then focus on the situation between you and your WW.

Everything you're being told is dead on. I disagree with showing your evidence from emails. Hold this till a later time because it could force her and this boy underground.

But being strong is the most important thing you've been told. I was weak and did none of the things I was advised to do and I paid very dearly for it.

So don't cry or beg.

"Be cool!" was the most important advice I ever got and it is very, very important.

You're fighting for your marriage. This is a fight. Don't fool yourself that playing Mr. Nice will get her to wake up and stop this stupid behavior.

Only being strong and a hard a$$ works. Trust me.

Weak men lose their wives. The strong ones have a higher success rate and if they lose their wives they come away in much better shape than the weak ones that just rolled over.

Don't let fear keep you hostage. Fear kept me hostage and it was what made me lose everything.

So don't be afraid. Strong men do well.

mg71,

GOOD NEWS ... the cavalry has arrived.

JustLearning is the VERY BEST this site has to offer. He has advised and saved many M's (MINE INCLUDED). He's basically saying what the rest of us have said, but he's given you a point by point approach ... PLEASE ... follow his lead.

The rest of us will remain around for encouragement and to fill in any gaps or answer questions, but when in doubt or if you receive conflicting advice ... go with the PROVEN winner ... follow the advice of JustLearning.

JL,

I know you're a humble guy and don't particularly like the adulation, but deal with it in this case. mg71 seems like he has the stuff necessary to follow the plan, and he needs to know who he's getting advice from.

Good to hear from you my friend, and thanks for stopping by.