A few weeks ago my husband told me he wanted a divorce. He said I wasn't attractive to him any longer, that he believed I would never be able to fill his huge need for sex, that he wanted to be free to pursue other relationships. He wants me to leave and make all the arrangements for the divorce with a mediator, and then he will fly out and sign papers (we currently live overseas).

All day long, I rarely hear from him, except when he has instructions or a question for me. That's usually by email. He never calls. He's completely immersed at work. In the morning he is very quiet as he gets ready to go to work so he won't wake me and doesn't have to interact with me. He gets home after 8, won't eat dinner with me and our son, preferring to snack on some cereal and yogurt, or he goes to the gym to exercise for nearly two hours.

When he finally does get home, he continues to get into bed with me, so that our son won't suspect anything is going on yet (in fact, he wants the whole divorce to be settled even before we tell our children). And finally, he comes over and snuggles up with me every night.

At this point, I can't tell you how angry I get when he does that. I asked him why he does it, and he says he just wants to feel close to me and comforted. I ask him not to touch me. He has already given away any rights to me, and I am just seriously confused with this behavior. Then he complains about how I'm so cold and cut him off all the time.

I don't know what to do with this, or what's going on. Can anyone explain this behavior to me?

We are headed for a last-ditch effort with counseling in January, because I begged for it, so that I can get some resolution/closure on things.

JP

In counseling, you might want to address the affair(s) he's likely having.

Do some snooping, if you can.

His HUGE need for sex is so great that he must divorce you, his sexually inadequate wife, yet he's been going without for how long now? I don't think so.

I'll bet he's not nearly as immersed in his work as you'd think...unless banging a co-worker counts as "work".

He did have an affair when we first moved overseas, with a prostitute/hair dresser. It lasted three years, but he recently confessed to me that he has been holding on to emails and photos of her since we left that country, living in a fantasy fog and never giving our marriage a chance to grow and move on. He had to confess that because in the country where we are living now, a co-worker found this evidence on his hard drive and blackmailed him over it. The matter was finally settled by the local police, at a personal cost of $7000.

During that time, my husband told me I was the only woman for him, that I was his best friend, and that he was finally ready to leave the past behind and participate fully in our marriage. But after one difference of opinion about managing our dog (so he says), he now "sees" that we are totally incompatible and wants to split. He swears he's not involved with anyone here, because of the danger to his precious career. And the company makes it very clear how the expatriate employees' careers will end if they are caught in a relationship with a national employee. The company has been successfully sued over that in the past.

The other woman in this relationship is the same one that's been there since a week after our honeymoon, his job.

All WS's cheat at the risk of destroying their family, losing half custody of kids, the house, etc.

That's much more to risk than a job. People risk those all the time.

He told me last week that all he wanted to concentrate on was his job. He has been elevated to a position where he is gaining a lot of personal satisfaction, recognition and is making a lot of money now. He doesn't want to move back to the US, where he'll just be shuffled into a cubicle and marginalized by others who believe their former-expatriate co-workers are spoiled children.

I have never been able to compete with his career. I was too naive when we were young, thinking that once he got things figured out at work I'd get his attention and more affection. When it came to sex in our early marriage, I could not rely on him meeting my emotional needs that would keep me feeling warm, loving feelings for him that would lead to wanting him sexually. And I just didn't put out, which ended up feeding a vicious circle. And so here we are, nearly 25 years later.

The thing is, if he had ever made me feel like I was more important to him than his job, I would have been all over him. But he's just so emotionally disconnected. He doesn't even have friends. He does not stay in contact with his brothers or his dad. He just works.

I don't know your whole story, I can see you've posted some here before this thread but I've not yet read those other posts so please forgive me if I mis-speak due to lack of information.

Do you want to divorce or do you want to stay married?
We have to know that before we can respond to you in any helpful manner. I suspect you do, because you begged for counseling. Yet your actions are not the actions of a woman trying to salvage her marriage.

I agree, there's probably an affair. But, your tactics are the same regardless, except that if there's an affair you snoop, find evidence, and expose.

He wants me to leave and make all the arrangements for the divorce with a mediator
Don't do this unless you want a D. If HE wants it, he can jolly well arrange it.

All day long, I rarely hear from him
This road goes both ways. You can email him and call him. You can meet him for lunch. You can pack a picnic and surprise him at his office. You can take him flowers.

I ask him not to touch me.
If your H has a high sex drive and you want to stay married, this is the LAST thing you want to do. You should say yes, you should light candles, and you should put on nice lingerie.

Then he complains about how I'm so cold and cut him off all the time.
Is it any wonder? I'd want a divorce, too, if my spouse repeatedly rejected me and told me not to touch them.

What are his top ENs?
How do you fill them?
What LBs do you commit?

If he's so obsessed with work, why is his need for sex so important to him?

Could it be that he's sleeping with someone new, and you're just the "old ball-and-chain who won't put out"?

The "workaholic" image would be a great cover for an affair....

I don't want to divorce. I have stayed in our marriage because I am committed to the relationship, and despite everything, I sincerely believe we can work through the issues and build a really great marriage that we both want and both enjoy. I really, really believe that.

I've been to counseling for myself, a lot. I was molested as a child and later suffered PTSD, and I have overcome that. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and have learned to manage it really well. I am seriously overweight, but have recently lost 40 lbs., and I exercise regularly and eat very healthfully. And many in our community tell me how great I'm looking these days, and are so proud of how well I'm doing.

I want to participate in a fully-functioning marriage, in every way. I too want to have lots of sex, meaningful sex, with my own husband. I have recently gone to a women's retreat and learned so much more about my own sexuality and came home full of hope, excited to share everything I learned with my husband.

But despite all of my progress, my husband repeatedly tells me how much he's not attracted to me, he barely touches me during the day, won't make eye contact with me. I do not call him during the day because he's usually in meetings and won't take my calls. I do send him texts on his phone and emails, to which he doesn't usually respond unless its to answer a business-like question. I can't meet him for lunch because he won't do it, and I'm not allowed to go visit him at work for security reasons. I won't be let into the building.

I have been throwing myself at him in many, many ways and I really started to lose my self-respect. He would not respond. And when I pulled away due to the pain of being constantly rejected, then he started snuggling up to me at night. When I responded to that in kind, he pulled away again. When I ask him what's going on, he tells me again how he's not attracted to me.

So why should I make myself open to having sex with him under these conditions?

"So why should I make myself open to having sex with him under these conditions?"

1. You want sex with your husband
2. You do not want sex with him while he is lying, cheating, and saying he is not attractive to you.

These statements are perfectly understandable. Who told you you needed to have sex with him right now? I would not touch the creep with a 10 foot pole. If he ends the affairs and you recover for a few years and you can prove he is trustworthy again, then I would think of maybe resuming sex with him.

I am sorry you will be sexually deprived until you go thru the recovery steps. But how could you have sex with the cheater husband now? Who could?

Others will have more advice for you but if I were in your situation here is what I would do:

1. Refuse to sleep in the same bed as him
2. Refuse to have sex with him.

You gotta start setting some boundaries with him girl.

stella-
i agree with you.

i told my FWH that we are now dating again. when i feel that we are emotionally intimate- then i will want to have sex with him.

i think of my old marriage as dead. since we are in the dating stage- we do not have sex yet. we do hold either each other in bed, hold hands and sometimes kiss.

that is all i am comfortable with right now.

when my trust builds up with him- them i think i will want to do more.

your husband saying that he wants a divorce and to cuddle up with you at night is confusing! maybe he needs a pillow.

SF