Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blond opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time I'm going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blond's wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death. She replied, "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch."

I'm rather fond of this cartoon

http://amnesiablog.wordpress.com/2008/10/22/facebook-epic-fail-email-viral/

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together."

I bet that's a hard joke to tell after you've had a few!

*THE IRISH BLONDE*

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty Thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm Completely nude.'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her Clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb Founded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'



Moral Of The Story
* Not all Irish are stupid;
* Not all blondes are dumb;

Don't blame me, this one's from my sister.
********************************************
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night,when behind
him
he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image
of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward
him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through
his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find
is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the
casket...


and,























(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)














The coffin (coughing) stops.

Vicks or Robitussin?

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , etc.

All that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses.... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't belong. I'll be right back.. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? (edited because I am a nice girl)LISTEN UP, DUMBO! SIT YOUR BUM DOWN, SHUT YOUR BIG TRAP UP, DRINK YOUR STINKING BEER IN YOUR STINKING FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOU AREN'T GOING TO A STUPID BAR. THAT'S OVER! GOT IT, DUMBO?'

Forgive my spelling,, There was a man from louisiana who had a 25 inch penis. He so deperatly wanted a woman but none would have him. He went to several doctors and surgons. He was told that nothing could be done for him. In desperation he went to the oldest doctor he could find seeking forgotton knowledge. He told the old man about his lifelong problem . The old doc sat silent for several minutes...... He then said go to Marie louvos Vodo shop in New orleans and tell the old witch what it is you are seeking. He made his way to Maries shop and found the witch. He told her of his plight and the 25 inch penis . She disappeared into the back room for quite some time . She reappeared with a map. She told the man of a magical frog that lived deep in the biou . She said you will recognise the magical frog by a tiny gold crown that it has on its head. When you see this frog ask it only this question... Mr frog will you marry me? The man took the map and left thinking that this is foolish . A few days later he reconsidered and sat of to find the frog. He followed the map deep into the swamps and low and behold he saw before him a frog with a gold crown. His hopes soared . He approached the frog . The frog looked at him and he look back. He then asked.. Mr frog will you marry me? The frog replied NO..... The man felt his peinis suddenly shrink. He took it out and looked at it and it was 5 inches shorter. He was estatic.. But after thinking about it he realised that a 20 in penis was not any better as he didnt think any women would want anything that large. So he asked the frog again ,,, Mr frog will you marry me ? The frog replied NO... Suddenly he felt his penis shink again. upon looking it over it was 15 inches long. The man was happyer than he ever was in his life . He though I know its to big but I bet I can now find a woman who would be willing to give him a chance.... He thought for a few more minutes and then said to himself ,, If it was just another 5 inches shorter he would then have the perfect penis... So he asked the frog one more time ,,, Mr frog will you marry me? The frog replied , HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NO, NO, NO,

Not sure if this one violates TOS but if that other one got thru....

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint. . .
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....

How much water did you drink?!!

:crosseyedcrazy:

Another from sis...

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American <or country of your choice> flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

.
.
.


'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

carol burnett infidelity humour

dont watch if your still a bit sensitive

I was at my bank today.

There was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me.

An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too!'