You know, I feel so full of questions and I don't ever seem to come up with any answers. It's a very dreary, poopy day and it's seemed to put me in a mood. But, I suppose if I was honest, I'm in a mood most days anyway.

Here's my question to those of you who have come out the other end of this ridiculous life. During the time in which you were attempting to rebuild or trust again, did you question WHY you married your spouse in the first place? I have always loved H dearly. I have spent 20 years wrapping my entire being into his existence and seeing to it that he's happy and our kids are happy. So now, I left standing along wondering what I did for all these years. This man is generally a kind man. But, he's kept me (at my own doing) from being who I may have been otherwise. I'm much more social than he is and I've had to pull back my own reigns in order to accomodate our personality differences. And, he's had to step up his game in order to be a little more like me so that we could meet somewhere in the middle.

Really, I think we're closer to his side of the middle than we are to mine. But, this was MY choice. But, I'm afraid I regret that now. And, I think I never would if he had not gotten involved with the dumpy one. Now, I'm looking at the missing links from my perspective and they seem magnified. Should we have been married all these years? Would a more socially inclined man have been a better fit? Would a man who was more of a talker and more loving had been a better fit? Who knows? I don't think so but now that he's introduced doubt into my life I'm questioning this. I would have had occassional thoughts creep in before but never this nagging sensation that I am not getting what I deserve.

I suppose this is what happened to him that enabled him to be vulnerable to another woman's advances. It's fueled by ego but must also be fueled by a deep need that I cannot fill. So, do we cash in our chips and let each other go find what we're missing? Or, is this normal for me to be re-evaluating the situation now? I suppose I just need to know what's normal. No crisis, just curiosity.

Nope. That's why I CHOSE to work on my marriage. I had to almost LOSE him to realize how much I LOVE HIM. I've LEARNED to ACCEPT my H for who he is...he has the SAME WAYS..the SAME FAULTS..NOW, I ACCEPT... NOT try to make him into the person that I want him to be...taking the BITTER with the SWEET..that's MY STORY..

Mimi,
Deep down inside I KNOW the man I love is totally WORTH all of this crap. He's always been my best friend. Somehow I need the tools to figure out how to get past the betrayal. My parents are and were both amazing grudge holders. It's very scary to me that I could share that genetic trait. I will break that chain for sure. I CANNOT be the bitter and betrayed woman that my mother became when my father left her.

I will go again tomorrow morning to the counselor. I do like her alot and hope she gives me some tools to sort this through. H is going to his own counseling tonight and we go as a couple again on Sunday. We will see.

Fiori,
Just saying Hi, I am rooting for you, I'm sure the counseling will help...I am working on the forgiveness part myself. I had an amazing sermon Sunday, it dealt with me about that. It's amazing how much hardship can cause us to grow and learn about ourselves!
Good luck to you,
(K)

I questioned that in the darkest times...when the A was going on and I felt helpless to stop it. Now, not at all.

I think it's normal to question whether or not you made the right choice is who you married...but at the same time, you can go through "what if" ad infinitum. What if you had never married at all? What if you had married someone else? What if H hadn't met OW? What if you had met someone else? What if you both had done things differently? What if you had known earlier in your M how to meet each other's needs?

I think that what is important to think about now is not whether or not you made the right decision then, but what decision you want to make now. You say that you know that your H is worth going through this crap. Ok. You also say that you feel like he has kept you from becoming the person you could have been and you resent him for it. Is there a way that you could talk with him about the things that you want out of life for yourself and pursue them at the same time that you restore your M?

One of the things that my H told me was that often I felt like the problem was insurmountable and that he would never or could never be able to help, when in fact, I was assuming the worst and not giving him a chance to prove me wrong. I had to really work hard at not assuming how he would feel or react. I had to learn to talk with him about the things that I really want because he didn't really know. I had already condemned him by assuming that my needs/wants wouldn't be met.

I too am trying to let go of the grudge. I am struggling with forgiveness...not for my H, but for the OW. Somehow I feel a need from within to find peace with her. I won't tell her that I have forgiven her when I do, but I will know it for myself. I have been reading a lot of things about forgiveness and thinking/praying about it. What I keep hearing is that letting go of the anger and resentment is not about the other person (the H or the OW), but about me. It is about cutting out the dead tissue so that the wound can heal. I WANT this wound to heal. I am willing to learn how to forgive those who hurt me so that I can. It is a selfish pursuit. And I haven't figured out how to do it yet. But it is my goal and I am working on it actively.

Sorry...I'm rambling. I just need to chat with you more often.

Your Friend,
MS