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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 63
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 63
Well, it's been months since I was here. After I discovered the affair and we went round and round the usualy denials, everything eventually came out. My snooping paid off, and revealed more than I wanted to know - the affair had turned physical but they had not yet had intercourse. (mostly 2nd stuff)

I confronted the other man and changed my tone in my emails to him, from nasty mean and confrontational to kind and told him that if I hoped he'd take care of her. I guess his guilt took over as he quit his job and changed his cellphone #.

She hasn't heard from him since the first week in August, (this is as per WW's secretary)
the keylogger helped me do a little more snooping which showed the affair has ended.

So now we're trying to get back on track. and this seems to be even harder. She is wearing her ring again and has eliminated all of the big LBs and I have made a larger effort fo quit making my blunder LBs too. I am making every effort to meet her ENs but this is where things stop. She is here for me (as in physically here in the house) but the ENs seem to be going one way mostly.


So how do I ever get her to move forward with the outward expression of her feelings towards me without sounding like I'm asking her how she feels about me or if she ever plan to be physical again without sounding like I'm badgering her for a kiss???

I've heard it said that sex isn't a big deal in relatinoships as long as your getting it - and that seems to be where I'm at now. She hasn't said "I love you" or kissed me since April and we haven't been intimate since last March.


me -37 sahd
ww -33 executive
2 kids (5 & 1)
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Welcome back, TxP...

You've done great at Plan A, at verifying the truth and saving your marriage. You busted up the A.

Hear and know that for a moment.

Did you read the books, though? Suriving an Affair, Torn Asunder...where the timelines for the WS and the BS differ?

Did you read about withdrawal after NC is established? How there's a period of grieving their fantasy feelings...the loss of the addiction, which is necessary before awakening to the depth of harm they did for nothing?

Study and know that you're on the road to recovery...and withdrawal must be gone through first...verification continued...and as you pass the crisis (the A), you begin to work on pre-A issues...and I think you're the go-getter who does everything at once, wants to cover all bases and know you're doing well.

You are. The A is over...now the trickle influence of the fantasy she maintained persists...as reality, over time, asserts itself. Doesn't mean anything...highlights your own DJs, your assumption and expectation of maybe a hidden timeline of your own.

Reasonable. Understandable. Know it and share with her.

Would you consider deep inside yourself not only do you want to get to the good part...that thriving marriage...you want the A to never have happened, to have gotten to a great marriage without the intense betrayal, pain and fear? If you do, share it with her. Share who you are, what you feel, think, believe, perceive and expect...and check yourself. You didn't expect an A; expectations are premeditated resentments. Right now, you have a great shot at full recovery (ending of the A, choosing you, her marriage...and missing that mental routine she went through, that days of fantasy)...because you are her real love. Her chosen. Reality.

That creeps back in to dispel fog. Nothing YOU can do will dissipate it faster, give you a different response...she has to work it out of her system through NC...and if there is contact, this process begins over again, time-wise.

This is recovery...have no doubt...what do you think of the four rules of marriage, implementing them for yourself right now, in addition to meeting ENs and eliminating LBs?

Roughly you can guess at how long withdrawal takes by the length of the A...still iffy, though, because you don't know yet, most likely, how long the A really went on...begins with your WW going into a wayward state of mind, then the justification process to the actions...we actually establish a wayward routine. That's what's really being mourned, 'k?

Not a real person.

You're real. Hang in there...it's additional pain (which feels really weird considering the A is stopped, over) you may not have been prepared for...still real withdrawal, not you doing it, in control of it or the cure for it.

LA

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
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I would also add that you should consider getting yourselves out of your rut. That rut we all get into. Start taking her on dates. Try a new restaurant each month. Take her on picnics. Go to the zoo. Take her to some culture, like a musical or play. Do something you've always known she wanted to do, like take a weekend cruise, or stay at a bed & breakfast. Ask her to join you in some sport you know she'll like, like tennis or bowling or golf. Find a drive-in movie and see what happens!

Help her fall in love with you again.


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