Welcome back, TxP...
You've done great at Plan A, at verifying the truth and saving your marriage. You busted up the A.
Hear and know that for a moment.
Did you read the books, though? Suriving an Affair, Torn Asunder...where the timelines for the WS and the BS differ?
Did you read about withdrawal after NC is established? How there's a period of grieving their fantasy feelings...the loss of the addiction, which is necessary before awakening to the depth of harm they did for nothing?
Study and know that you're on the road to recovery...and withdrawal must be gone through first...verification continued...and as you pass the crisis (the A), you begin to work on pre-A issues...and I think you're the go-getter who does everything at once, wants to cover all bases and know you're doing well.
You are. The A is over...now the trickle influence of the fantasy she maintained persists...as reality, over time, asserts itself. Doesn't mean anything...highlights your own DJs, your assumption and expectation of maybe a hidden timeline of your own.
Reasonable. Understandable. Know it and share with her.
Would you consider deep inside yourself not only do you want to get to the good part...that thriving marriage...you want the A to never have happened, to have gotten to a great marriage without the intense betrayal, pain and fear? If you do, share it with her. Share who you are, what you feel, think, believe, perceive and expect...and check yourself. You didn't expect an A; expectations are premeditated resentments. Right now, you have a great shot at full recovery (ending of the A, choosing you, her marriage...and missing that mental routine she went through, that days of fantasy)...because you are her real love. Her chosen. Reality.
That creeps back in to dispel fog. Nothing YOU can do will dissipate it faster, give you a different response...she has to work it out of her system through NC...and if there is contact, this process begins over again, time-wise.
This is recovery...have no doubt...what do you think of the four rules of marriage, implementing them for yourself right now, in addition to meeting ENs and eliminating LBs?
Roughly you can guess at how long withdrawal takes by the length of the A...still iffy, though, because you don't know yet, most likely, how long the A really went on...begins with your WW going into a wayward state of mind, then the justification process to the actions...we actually establish a wayward routine. That's what's really being mourned, 'k?
Not a real person.
You're real. Hang in there...it's additional pain (which feels really weird considering the A is stopped, over) you may not have been prepared for...still real withdrawal, not you doing it, in control of it or the cure for it.
LA