No - any suggestions would be really appreciated!

I can feel myself having a choice now but last night I was stupid to think I could control how much I would divulge and I thought that he would react differently - I forgot that I can only control myself, not him.

I love what you wrote and I will re-read it until it sinks in!

dont have much time, I have just returned from Holiday and I am still catching up at work.

but I have a few things to say:

1. He moved home WAY too soon! I think you know that. You are certainly doing the best you can with a bad situation. Ideally, the two of you should have mapped out a plan before he ever moved back. Somthing you both could agree upon. But he went and moved back in while you were gone. Further proof that this man has major control issuse.

2. Stop begging him. Please raise your right hand and state that you will NOT beg him ever again. You are a living, breathing woman who has value. You have children, and family, who love you dearly. You do not need to beg. I think that if you finally decide, in your own mind, that you will not beg him anymore, it will be easier to enforce your own boundaries.

3. You need to tell him that he is not allowed to say he "hates you" anymore. that is a horrible thing for him to say to you - and it needs to stop. I know he is in the fog, I know he has issues. But do not let him talk like that about you any longer. If it happens again, quietly tell him that you will not listen to that sort of talk any longer.

4. His relationship with OW#2, or any OW, is DEFINATELY YOUR BUSINESS. Do not let him change your thinking on that. Married men do not have private relationships with other women. If you allow him to continue to have friendships that are "none of your business" he will have another A. Period. He has had at least 2 already. as you all ready know, he would FREAK OUT if you were having a freindship with another man. Your WH isn't calling this realtionship an A, but it is still not appropratie. If it causes pain to you, his W, then it is not appropriate. You have every right to stand up for yourself. M people do not have friendships that exlude thier spouse.

5. dont you dare put him back on your bank account, or credit card. He is not ready for that. He always seems to have 1 foot out the door, do not give him access to the money to pay for his getaway.

sit down, and write a list of your boundaries. Do not share them with him yet. But write them down. And then look at them again tomorrow and adjsut. And again the next day.

He is using a classic controlling method. He knows that you want him home, so he manipulates you with that. he tells you it is only for the kids, that he hates you, that it is "all your fault" if he leaves. At some point, you need to look him square in the eye and say "it is not all my fault, and I will not allow you to say that to me any longer. I want to be married, to you, but I will not allow you to bully me any more. If you want to leave, then go. But quit saying that it is all my fault. I will not force you to stay - and I will not allow you to put the blame on me any longer.

You are not just working on saving your M. You are working on building a good M. When he acts like an arrogant spoiled child, and you give in, and sometimes even beg him to stay, you are teaching him that it is perfectly ok to act that way. The M you will have, is one where he stomps his foot, threatens to leave, and tells you he hates you in order to get his own way.

---I just read through what I wrote and wanted to add one more thing. Your mutual friend felt the need to tell you that OW#2 was at rehearsal. That is ok for him to do that. Dont let your WH beat you up over that. and dont say "why did he even tell me?". He told you because he felt like you needed to know. Your mutual friend was concerned -and told you about it. And then your WH flat out lied about it. Red flag there. Do not blame yourself for asking him about it - you were very brave to do that. Do not sweep those things under the rug.

Thank you for your response. I've missed you!!! I hope you had a wonderful holiday.


Agreed. If he stays, I will try and sit with him and establish some guidelines that we can both agree upon. He wants to live a separate life from me but sleeps naked next to me in bed and complains that I put a teddy bear between us. I do that so that I don't snuggle him in the night and offend him.


Agreed, raising right hand now and I pledge to not beg him for anything ever again. I need to be strong and ok no matter what he does and begging just gives him the power.


I have been a lot stronger and I do say to him that I don't want him to talk to me like that if he starts. I state that it is not appropriate and that I will not accept it anymore. He can speak to me later when he's ready to be civil.


I tried to have the boundary talk but he says that because we are not in a relationship he doesn't have to tell me anything and doesn't owe me anything. I find it a very difficult battle to be in. I know I deserve more, but I feel like I am unable to set my boundaries down without fear that he'll spin it into something he needs and threaten to leave. If he came home ready and willing to commit to the marriage, it would have been appropriate.


I offered it when I got home from holidays when I thought he was there to recommit to me and the marriage. He didn't want a bar of it and demands his independence and said he will never rely on my again and be in that position again where I can cut him off. He put $920 into my bank account on Tuesday although I don't know what he has left. I am sure he is planning for the future. His new job starts on Monday and he will have additional funds then too.


Great idea. I'll start straight away. Do I need 2 lists? One for Plan A and one for marriage?


Absolutely. He 100% believes that I asked him to come home and called me a liar in front of the MC when I said that I wanted to take it slow. He is determined to pass all the responsibility to me so that it's my fault if he leaves, just like you said.


I want to build a spectacular marriage, I just don't think we can even build a friendship with the way he behaves at the moment. I will add these things to my list too.


I told WH that I asked mutual friend about OW. I was protecting my source and made a decision to wear the anger to keep his relationship ok with mutual friend/his band leader. I think it was wrong to cover for him but it's done now. I was calm and curious when I asked him and actually wouldn't have reacted at all if he'd said yes.

It was the lying straight faced to me that really hurt. I want to believe that he can change. He wanted to find out how I knew and turn it into something it wasn't. He suceeded. Next time I will probably not say anything. Bravery is ok but I feel stupid when I realise the collateral damage to the kids that I have caused. I think I need to remain absent from the marriage until he is ready to commit and just keep up Plan A from an emotional distance with no R pressure.

Thanks WOF for your response. You are an amazing support to me!

I had a handful crisps last night and offered some to him. He said, you did all that hard work and now you're just going to eat [censored] and put all the weight back on? It was a pretty quiet comment facing the wall and I asked him to repeat it and he didn't.

I said it was a small treat and I'm doing just fine.

At least he's noticed that I've dropped weight. I could take it as a kind of warped compliment. Lucky I'm getting loads of compliments elsewhere. It's very dry on the WH front and no SF either.

I am not sure what to say about this, but something just doesn;t feel right here. The problem is, he just moved in without your advance knowledge. So you weren't able to find out what his motives were.

Well done!!!


no. not 2 lists. one, for M. What would happen if you come up with two lists now, just to "win him back" and then later switch to the "real" list? That would not be fair to him. He needs to get a good picture of what you expect from him in a M. You aren't going to be a bully, and make huge demands. Boundaries are small, simple, acheiveable.

share your list here.

Gotta run - chat more later!!

Just got home and WH was vacuuming and the kitchen/lounge is tidy. I always leave it relatively tidy, but he almost looks like he was taking pride in "his" house.

I asked him which cloth to use on the car and he said leave it, he'll do it. I told him he asked me to do it this morning and he said don't worry about what I said!?!?!

He'll go to rehearsal soon and packed up the vacuum cleaner pretty fast when I got home and jumped back into the studio.

He also told me he would put my washing line up on the weekend.

No LB's. Just keeping to myself.

Breathing and almost smiling!

He played with the kids and left 1 1/2 hours after he said he would. He also agreed to have tea with the kids and got me a chocolate biscuit.

I don't get it. I just spoke to mutual friend who said he spoke to WH today and he didn't mention anything at all. Apparently the entire game is on me. Mutual friend asked me if WH left and followed through with his threat and I had to say no. We're both confused. He was busy and will call me later.

I checked the eblaster tonight and there are no surprises. Applying for jobs and being responsible and not wayward at all. About 5 emails to OW over last few weeks but they are all professional and do not include any friendship bits. I guess they happen in person or on the phone, but if there was something going on wouldn't you say something in an email?

So, house looks great, no mention of him leaving at all and told me and the kids he'd see us later tonight, after rehearsal with OW and new band. Strange how he doesn't mind telling me about that one.

It looks like I have a chance to plan A for longer. Perhaps he is in the mode of loving me and home/kids more than leaving and just throwing games in to test me to find my boundaries? I'd rather he just ask me or listen to me!

Well, after he'd been gone for 2 hours he called me to see how things were going. Weird and completely unexpected. I was interested in his conversation and did not apply any pressure about anything.

He told me OW brought her dad to the rehearsal. he is undergoing treatment for cancer and wants to spend time with her. I was happy that he was there. Great, I thought, maybe they are looking after her interests and keeping her in line.

But, then I questioned his integrity. Maybe it was just a story that he made up so that I would leave him alone.

He was really sweet to me on the phone and said he was going to go for a drive after the rehearsal and enjoy his "me" time. Might go to the beach or go to the backpackers where he used to "live". I said, to stay? He laughed and said no, just a visit.

He said, see you soon.

Then, called me back a minute later and asked me why I was counting beads the night before. I said I was making a necklace. He told me it really affected him in a strange way but he didn't want to talk about it. I said maybe later. He said no, he wouldn't be coming straight home.

I had a bath and sent him a message asking if he wanted one too. He said no, too dangerous for kids to leave water in and it would be cold when he got home. I wrote back "Awwh. I love having you naked, hot, wet and slippery in the next room. Maybe another time then!".

When he got home at 2am, he woke me up to show me a wind deflector on the car and encouraged me to go for a drive. I was in my short leopard print nightie with no knickers so said sure. I jumped in and took it for a spin while he stayed home with the kids.

He then chatted for a bit about his night and told me how good the band and vocalists sounded and that OW sang like a Mother F'er. I spoke up and said that was no way to talk in this house and a completely inappropraite thing to call anybody, even OW. He said it was a music term that everyone uses and I told him it was rubbish. He didn't need to drop to that level. No LB, just small boundary setting and we left it at that. He said that sometimes people say things you don't appreciate. I agreed. He said, like your text message. I said, it was a joke. (sort of)

He went to the studio to work on his music and I woke at 4am, dreaming about a massive pain in my neck, and I woke up with it. He wasn't in bed and I found him in the kitchen on the internet when I got the heat pack. Said he was changing his song lyrics again.

Eblaster showed no activity though, just website updates, very boring.

He spooned with me this morning when the alarm went off, very light and shy, but lovely, no talking, helped get the kids ready for school and put them in the convertible for me to take today.

He seems to have done a 180 on wanting to leave so I'll just go with the flow.

I'm still very annoyed that he is playing games with me and don't really know what happened last night after rehearsal, but I will put it out of my mind. I am making up stories and nothing is the truth but the truth.

I will keep up eblaster, hopefully his mobile bill will come next week when I am home first and not him, and I'll get his log on info soon for banking etc.

Cautiously moving ahead.

----Edited to add that he just called me, it's 9am and he got to bed after 4am. He is looking for info on the car for a sale and was really nice to me----

Had to call him back about the car and he said "what's up babe?".

I'm at my forum tonight so he's with the kids until 11:30ish tonight. I'll see if he still loves me by then...

Draft 1:

Be completely open and honest always
Do not hide phone calls, text messages or emails from me
Do not invest into friendships with women when I am not involved or considered a part of the deal
Be open to me sharing in your life, your friends, your job
Be truthful with me always, even if it will hurt me
Allow me time to heal from my hurt
Use one joint bank account
Add your name on the house title and mortgage
Be accountable for your time
Use the MB principals to establish a spectacular M and work on it always
Don't run when things get tough, communicate and let us work through things, I want to make you happy
Allow me to communicate with you when I am unhappy

Any tips?

He called me again re car. All happy & ok.

I asked him where he went last night, told him someone I work with saw him with a girl at the casino. He laughed and said it was [censored] but told me he did get a coffee with the OW after rehearsal.

Apparently it ended at 11:30pm, they went for coffee (without her dad), he drove home at 12:30am and got home at 1:15am. Was working on the car in the garage but didn't wake me up unitl 2am.

He said "this isn't going to work is it" after my request for information. I told him he had a choice to tell me the truth or not and I was just asking to save face at work and because I wanted to ask. A lot don't know I'm separated etc and it was embarrasing for me to not know things my husband was doing. Like, what if someone told me he was holding hands with some girl. He said that was [censored]. I said it was an example.

Anyway, I was trying to catch him out and get info, I got some, he's mad and I guess still deciding what he wants.

I need to set those guidelines...but I am sure he'll throw them back at me and say no way. No M, no reconciliation.

When he was answering me he was fine about it, but then he seemed to think he shouldn't need to tell me and then got mad. Is he questionning his committment to staying out of the M?

I'm frustrated and confused.

I know I write a lot but I need to vent or I think I will EXPLODE and or BURST INTO TEARS and or CALL HIM AGAIN! I'm at work and can't do any of those things except call him again and that would be really really stupid!!!! My blood is boiling.

Just spoke to him about me being out tonight and his needing to look after the kids.

He said he feels trapped.

He hated me putting him on the spot this morning and asking him questions. I have no right.

He said he is not in a happy marriage therefore he can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants and I am not to say anything about it.

He said he worked his butt off at rehearsal and then had a coffee with a friend and really enjoyed it. He can do whatever he wants with whoever, whenever and I cannot say anything.

I said whilst we are married it is considered an affair to be with someone else and it was inappropriate.

He said I have trapped him in the house and am happy about it. I want him there whether he is happy or not. I said I would prefer he fall in love with me and work on the marriage, I do not want to trap him.

He said we are meant to be working on our relationship not the marriage and I am wasting my money with the C if I don't get it. I have trapped him.

He said he wants nothing more than to move out and get his own place and have his own life.

He pushed me for the name of my source from work. I said I would not tell him because he wants to cause problems. He said to tell him or he'd leave. I said no good would come from it. He said then I'll leave. I said then you'll leave. He hung up.

WOF - I didn't beg him to stay, although I wanted to more than ever. I didn't plead with him and I stayed calm and strong. I feel panicky that he is getting his stuff in order to go. I had a feeling he was only staying until he had money from new job. I hate that he has so much power over me and I feel so reliant on him still.

I have invested so much in the marriage and he is just stomping all over my heart. It hurts so much.

I will not contact him now. He knows he has to get the kids tonight so I have given him enough info. I'm scared.

Should I have done something differently?

What do I do now?

It may be helpful for you to write. Don't feel bad about that.
I'm sorry you have to cope with this, and wish it were otherwise.

Just spoke to him about me being out tonight and his needing to look after the kids.

He said he feels trapped.

I don't believe anyone held a gun to his head and made him marry. It's true that he can leave, and divorce, but it isn't right. What kind of man says and does things like this? This is NOT a rhetorical question. Please consider it, and talk to us about it.


He hated me putting him on the spot this morning and asking him questions. I have no right.

You DO have a right. He can refuse to answer, but you are his wife, and you have the right to ask. One of the things you should be asking is "Do I really even WANT this guy?" I am not suggesting an answer for you, but you should be thinking about it.

He said he is not in a happy marriage therefore he can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants and I am not to say anything about it.

I never realized that if a person is not happy with something, they can do whatever they want. What a novel idea.

I suspect it won't work, but he can try it. I mean, you really can't stop him. You can remove yourself from his madness.


He said he worked his butt off at rehearsal and then had a coffee with a friend and really enjoyed it. He can do whatever he wants with whoever, whenever and I cannot say anything.

You have choices too. While you cannot really make him live up to his vows, you are also free to act.

I said whilst we are married it is considered an affair to be with someone else and it was inappropriate.

He said I have trapped him in the house and am happy about it. I want him there whether he is happy or not. I said I would prefer he fall in love with me and work on the marriage, I do not want to trap him.

He said we are meant to be working on our relationship not the marriage and I am wasting my money with the C if I don't get it. I have trapped him.

If he says this again, simply open the door for him, and show him out. Tell him he can leave at any time.

He said he wants nothing more than to move out and get his own place and have his own life.

We are free to act how we wish to act. A person can rob a bank if they choose, but they are not free to choose the consequences for these kinds of acts. He can move out, but he gets to pay for it himself. I hope if he does that the law requires him to pay support.

Make him TRULY free. Let him experience the consequences of his choices with no help at all.

Too many waywards want to jump off the cliff, but they want someone to catch them before they hit the ground. If he jumps, don't catch him this time.

He pushed me for the name of my source from work. I said I would not tell him because he wants to cause problems. He said to tell him or he'd leave. I said no good would come from it. He said then I'll leave. I said then you'll leave. He hung up.

He is a bully. Don't tell him anything.

WOF - I didn't beg him to stay, although I wanted to more than ever. I didn't plead with him and I stayed calm and strong. I feel panicky that he is getting his stuff in order to go. I had a feeling he was only staying until he had money from new job. I hate that he has so much power over me and I feel so reliant on him still.

You will be more attractive to him if you do stay strong, and if you show him the door when he tries to bully you. I also hate that he seems to have so much power over you. You should love him, but -
But, when you love someone you let them learn life's hard lessons so they can improve themselves, and learn, and grow.
Let him learn.

I have invested so much in the marriage and he is just stomping all over my heart. It hurts so much.

You have done well to try. Trying is no guarantee of success though. It hurts, because you care. Caring is good, and you know it is. It does however, open us up to pain when the one we care about does not show care in return.

I will not contact him now. He knows he has to get the kids tonight so I have given him enough info. I'm scared.

I think you need to be looking at plan B sometime soon. Because you love him, you have a hard time standing up to him. It would be easier if you had no contact with him.


Should I have done something differently?

I think you did well considering your history with him. I do recommend you develop some standard phrases that you can recite to him when he starts bullying you.

Things like -
"When you are ready to talk to me in a civilized manner, I may speak with you. Until then, I see no reason to even try to talk to you."


What do I do now?

You need a plan.
Step back, look at the big picture. Answer the questions (above) to yourself.

If you do want to be with him, you need to get his attention first, before you can get anywhere with him.

I think that includes showing him he can't run all over you any longer.

What do you think?

SS

At 1pm he called me twice (I was on the phone) so I called him back. He calmly asked me for the internet banking password. I said why and he hung up.

At 3pm I called him after my meeting and asked him what he did. He said it didn't matter. He wanted to see if a deposit had gone in for the car but he's fixed it - deposits only happen overnight anyway so it was a power test in my eyes.

I said that I didn't say no, just why and he hung up. He told me that I had treated him like a [censored] and that he would be moving out tomorrow. Then, he hung up.

Does anyone have a PBL to share????? Plan B is back on. I really didn't want to have to go there but I feel like I have no choice anymore. I am so tired. I found out today that my boss knows WH came to my work and called my colleague and made threats. They are all worried about me and my work is definately suffering. Look at all the time I spend on here. It's become my blood supply.


A man who wants to put all the blame on me for our failed marriage so that he can dust himself off and hold his head high and tell his friends and family that he tried and that if I wasn't such a b1tch it would have worked.


I'm starting to wonder how much I can put up with and if he will ever be the husband that I deserve. Maybe the kind-hearted loving man will never return.


I want the plan B letter ready to go - then I can stick it on his butt if he leaves tomorrow. I can't handle the revolving door with me as the doormat anymore. It's not fair. I deserve so much more. The kids are going to be devastated to lose daddy again. They have loved having him home, me too. My birthday is in 3 weeks and Christmas in 6 and it all looks so horrible.


Yes, I can plan B him and let him choose to actually work ont the M and choose me instead of dragging me through the mud.


He no longer has access to any of our money, nor does he pay it. Child support will be tough because I earn more and technically may need to pay him depending on the custody arrangements. I am going to struggle to pay for the mortgage and it is only in my name. When he sells the car in the next 5 days or so it will give him 73k cash. Thanks to eblaster I know that he has been looking at Hyundai's and BMW's.

I don't want to catch him unless he is jumping with all he has back into the marriage. It makes me sick to think he can treat me like this and be ok with it.


I will not tell him anything. I shouldn't have played the game anyway. Knowing the truth and pressing him for it was stupid. I should have thought it through and realised I would be causing problems.

I haven't asked him to stay following today's threats so I wonder if he is escalating the timeline etc to push my buttons. I actually think I will be happier when he's gone.


Help with PBL required please!


Thank you! I do say something similar but need to say it earlier in the discussions!


So, is a PBL getting his attention? I feel like I am running out of time and damaging things more. He came home too early and I feel we are all paying for it. I want my husband 100% committed to the M, not like this.

Thanks SS. you've helped me to breathe again!

I was taught Plan B is not to be used as a weapon but only when your mind and heart are in sync. It's not to be used as a threat to get him to come home, but to protect you from losing all the love you have for them if they get their acts together and come home to work on the marriage.

I have my plan B letter at work and will post it tomorrow if other people don't get here first with it.

Plan B isn't designed to make him do anything, but that doesn't work. If you need to protect your love for him then Plan B is something well thought out, prepared for and implemented with no going back.

It was so hard to not see or talk to my WH in the beginning. But I had NO CHOICE...

So, what are you motives for doing a Plan B. Do you have your money worked out, are there kids and custody issues worked out, do you have an intermediary. Are you truly prepared to not have ONE THING to do with WH?

Tough questions and for sure there is no judgement. I just want you to truly understand what you are doing and why. So that you don't weaken and wish you had done this or that differently.

Yeah, the PBL is for YOU, not him. It's to tell him what it would take for you to be able to deal with him again. And that, if he's unwilling to meet the steps in the PBL, then you are healthier without him. That's it.

Like this. Utter bull crap. Until he stops getting his fix, don't listen to a single word he says; it's not him.

Protect yourself, he can crash and burn, and may eventually pull his way back up to you. But that's on HIM, not you. For now, all you have to worry about is not getting dragged down with him.

I'm not an expert but I'll give you my thoughts:

My sister! I want you to know I think of you often. I am sorry I am not on the computer during your difficult evenings, and I am so grateful to see other people sending you such great posts.

I want to send you several messages today, because I have several thoughts to share, but first let me start with your boundary list. I liked most of what you said on there, and jayne had some great suggestions, except that I would argue about this point:


not in this case. Not now.
He has a bad track record with finances, and jobs.
If he were to come to you and ask to be joined on the mortgage, and bank account, then you should prayerfully consider it. But you should not make this one of your boundaries.He needs to show a lot more financial responsibility first. You have all ready mortgaged your home for $75,000 so he could but a fancy car - when he did not even have a job, and was not even committed to you. Do not let him have access to your home or finances yet. if you had put him on your bank account when he first came back - he would have wiped you out yesterday to use the money for a new apartment. You can love him - but be wise about your finances. Your childrens future is depending on it.

2 other things I keep thinking of:

1. what is the deal with that darn car?? Is it in his name alone? Can he really sell it without your signature? If so - that is a bunch of BS and you need to put a stop to it. the purchase of that car has put your home in jeopardy. I know you are not emotionally ready to file any paperwork - but I really wish you would get some legal advise here. Ideally, if he sells the car, he should give you half. You put your half in the bank, in your name alone, to help pay your house payments. if you do not get half, at the very least you should make a stipulation that he gets the cash from the car - but he does not get any further part of your homes equity. this should be in writing. Do not fear his anger - the man tells you he is going to leave you every day, and it is all your fault. He gets angry even when you do nothing to him - so he may as well get angry over the car equity.


2.child support.
Ok, listen to me here. YOU GET FULL CUSTODY OF THE KIDS. fight for that. Do not fear his anger. when it comes to the kids, you need to put aside your personal desire to be with your H, and fight for your kdis like the Mamma Bear. this is not meant to be mean to him. This is to protect their future. If your WH does file for D, and gets the kids half of the time, you will constantly worry about them. Listen to me on this, and stand firm. After you get full custody, he can still see them. You would never stop him from seeing his children. But you need to have full custody to be able to make wise decisions for them later. Set this in your mind right now, and never again question yourself on this. He feels like it is ok to come and go as he pleases anytime he is not "happy". That is not the type of man who should have half custody. If he wants to call you a b!tch for seeking full custody, ignore him. Your children need you to be strong on this issue, for them.

I will write more later, but something I thought of this morning:
I want you to consider the fact that you are not in recovery. this is not what recovery looks like. He has moved home - but tells you he hates you, he is only home for the kids, he is trapped, you do not have a R, blah blah blah. This is not recovery, and you should not act like it is.
He moved back in too quickly - but that is not your fault. He moved in while you were out of town! The next time he moves out,tell him in your kind, loving, voice, that you need to protect your heart, and your childrens, and he should not move back into the home until he is 100% comitted to you, your family, and the children. Moving back and forth is terribly damaging to the kids. And don't let him tell you he can stay there just for them, and not have a relationship with you. That is crap. You live there. People do not move into your home who hate you. If you had a co-worker who hated you and called you names, would you say "thats ok. Move into my home. Sleep in my bed, right next to me"? no way.

You are getting some really good help. CP made some good points, and I love WOF5's post, and you should read it through two or three times.

So, is a PBL getting his attention?

This is what Dr Harley says about plan B - Copied from another part of the MB website.


Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.


What Dr Harley says, goes along with what you are feeling and describing to us.

I feel like I am running out of time and damaging things more. He came home too early and I feel we are all paying for it. I want my husband 100% committed to the M, not like this.


Here is more on plan B.

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Note the part about absence making the heart grow fonder. That is what I meant about getting his attention.

I believe in this case, you are being abused - emotionally, and mentally. Dr Harley has this to say about plan B in cases of abuse.

In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations. Hence, plan B. But other situations such as physical and verbal abuse, where one spouse's mental or physical safety is as risk, are also grounds for separation. As in the case of infidelity, if one spouse is abusive, I often recommend plan A first, where, through negotiation (without anger, disrespect or demands), an attempt is made to overcome the abuse without separating.

But in some cases, the safety risks are so great that plan B should be implemented immediately, with no time for plan A. In these cases, treatment for the abusive habit must take place during separation, and some evidence must exist that the risk has been greatly reduced, or completely eliminated, before the spouses should return to each other. Then, after being together again, the formerly abusive spouse should be held accountable by others for his or her behavior to assure the other spouse's safety.


Having read how your H treats you, I don't think there is much hope for him. Or for you to be with him and live any kind of a normal life. It looks to me like he uses you any way he can, and abuses you if you won't go along with him.

The plan B letter is supposed to be a love letter.

It should tell him that you love him, but that it's too painful to be with him if he won't care for you and protect you as a H should a W, and that you won't see him, or speak with him until he is ready to do these things.

It should explain how to communicate with you through an intermediary (but you have to get one first, and have them agree to help you.) and give contact information for that intermediary.

It should map out the way back -
That is, tell him what he has to do before you will consider reconciliation.

If you lived in the USA, I would suggest you just give him the MB counseling center phone number, and tell him to call Steve H to work it out. My reason for saying this is that he is so far away, I can't see him ever turning around, but Steve H could assess his chances and help him get there if your H really wanted to try.

To reconcile, he would have to agree to live the four rules.
Four Rules for a successful marriage

I don't mean to discourage you, but I know my words are not very encouraging. Please look at the four rules, and tell us the chances that he will ever agree to them. You knew him before, and you would know better than we would.

From where I sit, he is nice when he thinks it will get him something, but he is always looking out for himself, and no one else. Please tell me what you think about this statement. You know his history, which we do not.

If you do go to plan B, make the letter very short. Length is only useful when the other party wants to hear what you have to say. If they are not in the mood to learn, brevity is best.


This is the sample Plan B letter in Surviving an Affair.

Keep in mind this is a letter from a husband to his wife, and is just to give you an example. You would have to modify it to fit your situation.

SS




Dear WS,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OP possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most. We are now both suffering for my mistakes. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I have made in the past and create a new life for the both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until your end your relationship with OP once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends, Jane and Paul, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be there when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OP, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are with OP. I still love you but cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OP and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing OP.

With All My Love,


Here is a link to some more plan B letters.
Plan B letters