Pepperband posted this on another thread, and I really thought you should take a look at it:


the article actually refers to a Bipolar Persoanlity Disorder. I am, by no means, an expert. But my understanding is that the Bipolar Perosnality Disorder differs from the usual diagnosis of Bipolar.

The thing that keeps nagging at me is this: Your H really is very sick. His behavior is not the typical WH stuff. When you post that he has been very kind and loving to you one day, and you hope he is still in love with you when you get home, it breaks my heart. You have so much love to give. Any man would be blessed to have you for a W. You are worthy to be loved, every day, all day.

Please keep posting here. Do not worry that you are posting too much. Somethimes I worry that you do not post often enough!

I have a little time left, before I go home for the day, so let me share another story with you.

Have you ever heard the analogy about the frog in the boiling water?
If you toss a frog into a pot of boiling water, he will quickly jump out. The water is hot - and he knows it will kill him, so he jumps out.

If you put a frog in a pot of cold water, and slowly turn up the heat, he will slowly boil to death. after all, the water is not hot when he first jumps in, so he is not afraid. As the heat is gradualy turned up, he feels uncomfortable, but still does not fear for his life. By the time the water is boiling, it is too late, and he dies.

the reason I share that story with you is not because I think you are in boiling water! the analogy is this: When things slowly start to get "strange" sometimes we don't realize it, because it is happening too slowly. We are slowly adjusting to the new temperature. And as things continue to get "stranger" each day, we forget what "normal" is supposed to be like.

if you had met your H today, with his current behavior, you would not likely date him. If you had just met him, given him a bag of M & M's with a nice note, and then he threw them out the window, you would say "that was really weird" and you would not date him any longer. Or, if you were dating him and he said "I hate you" you would look at him and think "that was really horrible, I am going to run from him". But these behaviors have appeared slowly, and you have gradually gotten used to them. i know that part of you recognizes that he is not treating you well - and that is why you hide the "bad stuff" from your family. He has moments when he treats you like a queen and you long for a life time of that. But with him it is always one extreme or another - rarely a happy in-between.

I am not going to say that your situation is hopeless - I do not know you personally, and I certainly do not know him. God still works miracles. and your H could get into some super intense counseling, and learn to change his behaviors. But what I am hoping to truly show you is this: His behavior is not acceptable. It is not normal. He has tossed you into a pot of cold water and the heat is at medium now. You could do absolutely everything he asks, 100%, all the time, and he would still find ways to blame you. Please do not take the balme on yourself any longer. Do not bear that burden.

when I was putting up with my Ex's horrbile behaviors, a close freind said this to me:

He can crap in your cup, but you don;t ahve to drink it.

So now I say that to you. He has crapped in your cup. But you don't have to drink it.

Wow, thanks Queenie. I have read a lot of your posts and empathise with your tough situation. You're a fighter and I really respect and admire the stand you are taking.

I unfortunately have a personality which tries to manipulate and control and after reading your post, I realise I will be implenting plan B as an ultimatum to get him back. I thought it was for the right reasons, and many are valid, but I think part of me wants to punish him too.

Can I go NC? Sigh. I crumble so easily because I invest so much value in the minor good things that happen and may not be able to tell if he's sincere or not. I wonder if I could stick it out. I also wonder if it would push my WH too far and he would retalliate somehow? Could be silly, but...

I have a lot to think about and I thank you for your honesty.

I get that he says things in anger that are not true. I also get that I say stupid things to him to test his committment in our broken marriage which is very stupid. I do try to not listen to the crap but I let it affect me regardless.

My promise is to stand for the things that I believe in for marriage and let him have his choice to participate or not. I need to work on my boundaries and present them to him at a suitable time for both of us.

He hasn't left the house. He was there when I got home last night and I had a great conversation with him. I apologised for relating to him as his old self. It's easy to give in to the bitterness and hurt. He cleans the whole house and looks after the children and is civil to me and I look for the anger and hurt and feed off the things he is not doing for me.

I told him my stand without expectations. He did apologise for hurting me emotionally and physically and accepted that he was also to blame. It's nothing but a start, but I am really going to try and distance myself from the hurt and just live in the present.

Thank you CP

Thanks Jayne.

I will rework this and really appreciate your input. I'll have some quiet time over the weekend so I'll make it happen and post the new version back up here.

Thanks WOF. I'm so glad you're home - I missed you!


Agreed. He starts his new job on Monday and will hopefully begin to be more financially responsibile. The car is technically sold now. We are currently talking about what to buy and I am trying to talk him out of purchases at the moment. I may be able to put a stop on the sale, but it would be difficult and I actually don't think it would be prudent at the moment.

He is open to suggestions re money but I will not let my guard down and put my house and kids at risk. I hope he will be reasonable.


I know you are right. I feel terrible and guilty about it but you are right. I am the more stable parent both financially and emotionally and it is the best thing to do for the kids. I do fear his response but I still hope the tide will turn before it gets to this.


You are so right. After our conversation last night when I got home at 11pm, I feel a lot better about it but we have a long way to go. I still have no certain feeling that he will stay. In fact, DD said this morning that Daddy, DS and DD would be moving to a new house. I know he's trying to paint a rosey picture to them so that they are happy that he leaves and not sad. Puuuulllleeeeeaaaaassssseeeee. It kills me to hear things like that out of the mouth of my beautiful innocent 3 year old. It isn't right.

We had SF this morning. I actually asked for it and he said no, he doesn't want to give me false hope. I told him I wanted the physical connection with my husband, and couldn't possible have anymore emotional investment that I currently had. He said no but then agreed. I didn't second guess it, just jumped into bed and enjoyed it.

He didn't look at me like someone that he hated (it was the opposite) although I know I'm not allowed to have false hope. I really did just want the physical touch and it felt great. He fell asleep, I showered and went to work and didn't linger or kiss him or make it personal. He called me this afternoon and told me that he was upset that I was selfish this morning. I said I was selfish but not sorry. He didn't say anything else. The conversation was light and great so I didn't place too much attention on it.

Mutual friend just called and WH called him and said OW has a new gig with a band that does 220 shows per year. It will involve lots of travel and 4 nights a week of hard work. WH helped her get the job but I think it will create extra distance between them. WH told me about it last night and said she has a new boyfriend (that he doesn't approve of) and that's why they don't hang out much anymore.

Things could be changing.

I can see so much of my husband in this article. One psychologist said he had it, one didn't and it's very subjective. He won't go on medication and no other programs seem to cater for that. He is the closest now to changing that I have ever seen.

I realise I deserve more but everything in me tells me to fight for my marriage and make it amazing and stay married to the father of my children. I am willing to accept that this may not happen. I am ready to accept that I will be amazing in another marriage with another man if that is my destiny.

Sometimes I really feel like that frog!

I guess my previous post to you says why I am still drinking from that cup, but I know eventually I will lose myself.

Thank you for telling me that I am worth more than this. I know it has taken a long time to sink in and you have been consistent and beautiful and really helped me to believe in myself again and regain my confidence. I thank God for leading me to this website and for leading you to me too. I believe that you are my guardian angel!

It's Saturday morning and DD and I just made pancakes. DS and WH are still asleep.

Last night was an ok night. He told me I used him for SF because I said it was just SF and I didn't expect anything emotionally. He apologised for hurting me throughout this and also said that he thinks he will wake up in a few months with major regrets about the way he has treated me.

I know he is still lying to me, or not telling me the whole truth, whichever way you look at it. It hurts, but I know that when I press him the opposite happens. He gets mad that I am controlling him etc.

Last night OW called him and he had his passport out and gave her his passport number, full name and expiry. When he got off the phone I said I didn't want to make up a story and asked him why. He said why do you think? I said you're travelling with her (she has a new job with new international band, Bali next week) or you're getting an apartment together. He smiled and said it's none of my business. I had to earn the right to be trusted.

GAMES!!!! He has told me that he has no plans to move out anywhere at this stage and that he is not travelling with her - just not at the time I asked him. I am trying to think of an innocent reason but can't come up with one.

I am going to be patient for a week or so and see if I can draw it out. He is telling me more and more and keeping me more informed about so much of his life. He is not telling me when he works with the OW but mutual friend is doing that. I can definately see an improvement. I want honesty but he thinks I'm controlling and untrustworthy.

He went out and fetched me some movies last night that I'd mentioned and when he got home he thought I was asleep and rubbed my back and pushed the hair from my face and stroked my face for a while before waking me. He didn't move his hand and then he spooned me and said, good night babe. I said what, he said again, good night babe. Maybe it was intentional. He is sweet so far in his dreamy state today. We have the kids swimming and dinner at my sister's house although I don't think he'll come.

He put his friends wedding invitation on the couch next to me last night to remind me that it's next Saturday. I have decided to dress up and go along and really have fun with him. No one at the wedding knows we're separated so it will be easy to play happy families.

So, there you have it. Hopefully things are getting better. I'm in reasonably good spirits. I started to read Women Who Love Too Much last night and it's confronting and it's me. I'll stick with it but trying to plan A at the same time is hard. I feel a bit I am woman hear me roar.

I'll sign in later and ramble when I can!

I wanted to copy another post here for you to read. Just some things to think about. This is an excerpt from one of Dr Harleys articles on this web site. I copied it from one of Melody Lanes posts on another thread.

By the way - I am SO GLAD you are reading that book (Women Who Love Too Much). It was a huge eye opener for me.

When my ex H first left, I was a lot like you. Bent over backwards to try to make him happy. When he would get angry at me, and say horrible things, I would apologize to him for making him angry. He always said hurtful things out of angeer- during our M, and after, and I always made an excuse for him of: "he only said that becuase he was angry at the time"

I have come to realize that saying horrible things is NOT ok, whether you or angry or not.

I had a dear friend who kept telling me "His A was NOT your fault, do not listen to that any longer. You do not need to settle for crumbs from him, you have value, you deserve to be treated with respect"

it took me a long time, but I finally started to understand what she was saying. His A wasn't my fault. No matter what he said. I wasn't a bad W, no matter what he said.

I am much healthier now, and when I look back I feel disgusted that I took so much crap from him. At times I have pangs of regret, that I allowed him to walk all over me, and I basically said "thats ok, walk all over me some more"

So I think I understand why Dr Harley says that putting up with too much of that horrible behaviour can cause deep, long lasting emotinal scars.

that book - Women Who Love Too Much - also helped me later, in other relationships, after my D. i know you are not ready for a D, or dating yet!! But I will share with you that after I had been D'd about a year, I started dating a guy who also was not good for me. He only gave me occasional scraps of attention, and I settled for that because I felt un-worthy of anything better. I figured I was damaged and this was the best I could do. About that time I, read that book, and I realized that since I had "failed" at my last R, I was trying to "fix it" by being succesful at this R. I was trying to make it work - but this guy was just not good relationship material.I finally got tired of it (after about 9 months!) I was constantly wondering when he would call, and whether or not he was seeing other women. I finally just made myself no longer avialable to him (it was hard to do - I was very lonely!!!) and that is when I met my current H.

My current H has definately shown me that there ARE good men in the world. My new H would swim across the ocean, climb the highest Mountain, walk acrss the desert to be with me. he can not believe my last H cheated on me!

You have set an awesome goal for yourself. You want a fantstic M! That is a very good goal to have. But it is possible that your WH is just not able to do that. He may not be emotionally stable enough to be a H. Of course, I may be wrong about that. Only you can tell. and when you are fianlly ready to make your fianl decision, you will know.

Keep reading that book.

Thanks WOF. It's a great article and one I do not remember reading, or if I did I did not see its relevance to me at the time.

I am hopeful that because he does miss me when he's gone and feels some positive affect from the plan A, than maybe there's a chance. His fog is deep although every now and then I think I see something...

The important thing I got for the article is to realise that a plan B might be necessary but will probably not work. I was putting my eggs in that basket as a last chance so that's a bit scary and confrontational.

Is it better just to concede defeat and ask for a D and just move on as friends? Maybe it just isn't worth the pain? I don't know. I want to believe I can do it but I guess I'll know sooner or later.

You're right when you said I am not ready for D, but I met someone through the forum who is lovely and it's given me some confidence that I can do this and find someone who will take me and the kids and I and have a truly rewarding marriage. I'm not dating him - sorry for the confusion - he's just someone who has shown me that it's possible to develop feelings for someone as a mother of someone else's children. I thought I was past all that.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I guessed that there were similarities as you have been so helpful and caring to me. You have become my poster girl for getting it right and I will keep up with the book. It will either give me a clearer perspective in this marriage if we succeed to recovery stage or prepare me for a wonderful new man in my life.

Wow, that's hard to write, harder to believe, but I'll get there.

We had a really pleasant day today.

Kids and I went shopping, came home and cooked bacon and eggs for brunch with WH and went to swimming. Went shopping all together as a family on the way home and hung out getting food and fooling around.

I stopped to look at a ring that I want to buy. He told me to try it on. I want to buy it as an incentive for some sales at work and as a gift to myself for starting again on my own.

He said that he will give me the money for it. I didn't answer or say much. It is from the car profit money but I don't want a ring from my stb-ex-husband! He can buy it for me when he wants to reconcile or not at all. I didn't say that, but I thought it with lots of verocity.

Oh, 2 things happened:-

On the way to swimming DD mentioned Christmas. I told WH he needed to let me know what he wanted to do. He said that we would all be together at home (???) so it didn't matter. I said that we usually spend Christmas Eve with my folks and Christmas Day with his. He told me he would not come to my folks and that he would take the kids Christmas Day. I said no problems. He also said that I would really miss the BMW's when we split. I told him that I would rather live in a caravan and ride a pushbike and have him. When we got to swimming I practically ran down the 4 flights of stairs with DS and straight into the change room so that he wouldn't see my tears.

It's weird to plan A him and I don't know how it will go. He's working tonight, with OW, but maintains he's not. Liar Liar. I won't mention it to him but it drives me crazy. I took the kids to church tonight and he called and said he thought I had called him. I don't get it.

I mentioned the OW's name and said I might have to call her because I was lost and it's the town where she lives. He said that wouldn't be a good idea. I told him I was joking, I was, but it didn't go down well at all.

DJ or just a plain old LB?

He starts his new job tomorrow. Yay! Hopefully that will help to mellow him and make him so tired that he'll have to sleep normal hours instead of the night life which has always been his way.

No surprises from eblaster either. I wonder how late he'll be tonight after a coffee with the OW. Can't wait for his phone bill. He's also signed up for e-banking so I will have those passwords soon too and can track his money. Eblaster is seriously great.

Looks like I was wrong (happily).

He was home by 1am and brought a bag of clothes for the next gig for OW, so maybe she wasn't there afterall!

He gave me the money from the gig, came to bed and we chatted for about an hour before falling asleep about his work and working on New Year's Eve etc. He wants a gig and mentioned that the OW has one as well as a few others.

Other lead female singer is engaged but unhappy and does not feel "in love" although partner is best thing for her and her DD. He said that he is similar to her in some ways because they don't know what's good for them and fight good things/people. I agree.

He also told me that the 2 female dancers from the band are moving in to our house. I asked why and he danced around it before mentioning that they want to sleep either side of us in bed and if we fight they will clobber us. They don't want anything to go wrong with us. Weird, we are still separated I think so I'm guessing that he's told them he is home to work on us???

We got up together and he showered and we got the kids ready for school. He asked me to take him to work today instead of the train and we had a lovely trip in. Polite, light and grabbed a coffee together too. He kissed me on the cheek as he got out of the car and I will collect him with the kids from the train station tonight.

It's been a pretty good weekend, the best in months and months. I actually have good feelings about things and I think he has seen the possibility of things working again between us. No fanfare yet, but I hope to keep this up and that he'll come around, soon...

My thoughts and prayers are with all that have been affected by the fires in the States. We are seeing the pictures and it's awful! Take care.

We were due to pick WH up from the train station at 7pm, but he finished work at 6pm and called and said it was an awesome job and they had a speaker at the casino last night from 7-9.30pm for one of the brands they represent. He also said he'd bring me the paperwork and would get a ride home.

I called him at 10:30, no answer. Sent a text, no reply.

Called at 10.50pm and he answered in short one word responses and said Tim was driving him home. I asked where Tim lived, apparently in the city 30 minutes away. I said it was really nice of his new boss to go so far out of his way.

At 11.15pm, he was at the door, not a car in sight. I said where's Tim. He said he was dropped off at the top of the hill. I said interesting. He was pissed off, said I didn't trust him etc etc etc.

I don't. I think he met up with OW after the event and she brought him home, hence being dropped off out of sight.

Anyway, he jumps in the shower and carries on. I told him I didn't suspect that he was telling me anything but the truth and he is blowing this out of proportion. He told me he told his work colleagues about me and the trouble I could cause and they're all ready for it. He said he has no wife, just 2 kids. I don't exist to him. He has known me for 8 years and he knows how I think about everything. I said that he is putting words in my mouth. I said "interesting", that's it! He told me that he knows how it ends, that I will send him an apology today and tell him I'm sorry and that I'm really trying. I told him I have nothing to apologise for - it's in his head.

He said that I will have nothing to do with his jobs or his life.

I said what was so different from this morning that he had to turn into a jerk and he said I'm doing that thing again. Nothings changed between us.

I checked his mobile when he was asleep and he's wiped all call lists and text messages.

Not suspicious at all!

I was so close last night to thinking that I was ready for plan B. It's not fair to love and be hated and it hurts me so much.

So, I was peaches and cream this morning, didn't bring it up and wont. He's a jerk but I want him to cool down and come home tonight for more plan A so I need to play it cool.

We have counselling tomorrow. Sigh.

What do I do?

Are the changes like I saw on the weekend false, or it his anger last night purely due to mixing with the OW again and him feeling mad that I am keeping them apart and their friendship undercover again?

I wish I knew the right thing to do/say. How do I get through MC tomorrow and possible a dialogue tonight (our homework) and not LB and pass any DJs etc?

Please help

Why?
Why do you need him to come home for more Plan A? How much Plan A do you think you need to lavish on him?


He was absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, with the OW. No question about it. You did not say anything wrong, or do anything wrong. all you said was "interesting". Most people would have said BULL [censored]. when your WH is alone at night, thinking about this mess he is in, he KNOWS that you did nothing wrong. But he keeps up this act.

this sort of behavior is very similar to a child who is caught sneeking cookies out of the cookie jar. You can see that the cookies are missing. There are crumbs on the childs shirt. There is chocolate on the childs mouth. You know that you have caught the child sneeking cookies. But when you say "did you sneek cookies?" the child says no, and gets angry with you "for not trusting".

Remember when you were a teenager - you did this sort of thing with your parents too. They would catch you doing something wrong - but you would lie, and if they questioned you further, you became angry.(my own teenager pulled this on me just yesterday!)

so think back to how you felt when you were doing this to your parents. You knew they were right, and you were wrong. But you did not want to admit it. So you became angry.

He knows that he is wrong - so do not let his bad behavior make you sad. He was with her - if he was with Tim, he would have been dropped of in front of the house, on time.

I think you know that I would like for you to tell him to find some place else to live. I would like you to tell him in your nicest voice that you will no longer listen to him put you down any longer. You do not want to hear things like:

That you are a living, breathing woman who has value. If you do not exist to him, he needs to find somewhere else to live. If he needs a couple of days to look for a new place to live, that is fine, but he needs to sleep on the couch. Your bedroom is your sanctuary - the place you go to think, to pray, to cry. You can not share your bed with someone who tells you that you do not exist.

That is what I would like you to do. But I know you are not ready.

so, at the very least, please remeber:
Do not beg him.
Do not write him a letter telling him that you promise to do better - YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!


Do you think you may be ready to ask him what his intentions are? could you ask him something like:
"WH, I would like to know what your intentions are for me, and your children. I understand that you do not want to discuss your work, or personal life with me. But do you plan to live with me for a week? A month? A year? Because, I feel that families should talk, and share together. I long to tell someone about my day. And I want to hear about my husbands day. I long for a friend, to talk to at night. Are you going to be that friend for me?

I know you are scared. I understand that.

But the truth is that he is a very sick man right now. I suspect that he moved back in with you because he was broke, and he had no where else to go. He has been friendly towards you out of fear that he may need to stay there for a long time.

Now, he has one good day at a new job, and he suddenly gains his arrogance back. I am very sad for him, because his "high" will not last for long. the first day of a new job is always good. Lets see how he feels in a week, a mnoth, or 6 months (if he lasts that long. Lets remember that he has a bad track record with jobs)

But I feel even more sad for you! Because I know that you are hurting.


This comment is so stupid, it is almost funny. First day on the job, he is telling his colleagues about his marital trouble??? I don' think so. Next time he says something like that, try looking at him as if his hair was on fire.

Hang in there my friend. Try to do something nice for yourself today.

Last things first...

We had a work lunch with our clients on a ship today and had a tour and 3 wonderful hours on the cruise ship. It was docked but it didn't matter and definately qualifies for something nice for myself!!!

I sent WH a picture of the ship (he loves ships) and asked him if the winner had made his first sale yet. He sent me a message saying that he would rather be free for the day from jealous innuendo and smart [censored] remarks and phone calls when he's out. He said he's no winner because he's carrying my $hit.

I didn't reply.

It took the shine off my special day out but I was so touched by your message that I'm ok again.

Somehow hearing you agree with me makes me feel better about it and not wrong for being jealous. I am not jealous, I just prefer my husband to be honest, especially if it is the friendship he insists it is. Thank you.


Yes. I thought of you when he told me he'd moved back.


I love, and hate, that you know me so well


This I can and WILL do!


Yes, very scared. I will try and talk to him tonight before MC tomorrow. I will re-read your words until I know I can't mess it up. I don't want to waiver from the point and let him see me as weak and vulnerable. I think these questions are ok to ask although I am petrified of the response.

I was much stronger before he came home. My pacing last night whilst I waited for him showed me that. I cleaned the house and waited for him byt the front door in between washing cycles! I am dependent on his companionship and I don't even have it.


You're right, it is just another high and when he doesn't meet his sales targets, he'll find the lows.



LOL! Your response had me in stiches and I will put it into practice. you're great at this WOF.

It will be another 3 hours before he gets home, if he comes home on time and by plan A I hope to meet his ENs and restore the love he had for me. I looked at my phone messages from him today from 5 months ago and he really loved me. What happened?

I'm going to keep positive. Thank you for lifting me up today.

this is tugging at my heart, and I am not sure how to respond.
the truth is, he has loved you, and still does. But he just does not understand the richness of mature love. He is looking for the "high" of a new relationship. The bubbly feeling that comes from a new relationship, where you have not had a chance to see that the other person is human. He wants each day to be easy, happy, over the top dramatic. He had that with you , in the beginning. All new relationships have that. And that bubbly feeling makes you feel like you are on top of the world, capable of anything!

I remember when I started dating my current H. We were both over 40, and had children at home. But we were so giddy in love that we could talk on the phone for hours. We would be up past midnight every night talking on the phone. I would wake up in the morning at 6am, not even tired. I was on that bubbly high. It was a great thing, but I am mature enough to understand that it wouldn’t last that way. It couldn’t. The human body needs more than 6 hours of sleep every night!

Now that we have been married almost 4 years, we don’t have that bubbly high. We have something better. A rich, mature love. I have seen his bad habits – and he has seen mine! I support him – and he supports me. I know, without a doubt, that if I became ill tomorrow and could not get out of bed for 6 months, that he would still be there for me. If he lost his job tomorrow and we had to sell everything we own and move into a tiny apartment, I would still be there for him. That is what a mature love understands.Love is not defined by the dramatic, giddy feeling. Love is defined by the day to day actions of building a family, a home, a life together.

But if I had become ill when I was married to my ex, he would not have stayed. He would have made up some excuse like “our M has been over for years. I was going to leave you anyway. It is not because you’re bed ridden – I will still support you, but I need to leave”. I know this for a fact – because he left to chase that bubbly feeling with OW#1, and when that did not last, he then chased OW#2. And I call tell you without a doubt that he no longer has that feeling w/ OW#2. He has settled into regular married life, but neither of them is interested in trying to build a mature R. They want to find the bubbly feeling again, and will likely move onto other relationships soon. Just as your WH will.

I am curious about your WH’s past relationships. Wasn’t he married before?
How did you 2 meet, and what was the beginning of your relationship like???

WH has actually acknowledged a number of times that he realises that the high of a new R does not last and he will repeat the same mistakes in every R he is in and all R's go down the same path when mystery is taken over by reality of day to day living.

I guess that's a point in his corner for MAYBE being ready to discover the mature love.

He was married for 2 years at age 25 to his next door neighbour. They were both musicians and from what he and his family describe, she was very unstable and dramatic. She died about 3 years ago from cancer so we don't speak ill of her, but up to that point, it was weird. I am not sure how much was fabricated and how much was true, but take about 50% of it literally.

He doesn't have friends from that time period in his life now as they lived in another state when married.

I think he was involved in a couple of serious R's after divorce and when we met in 2000, he was in a 2 year R. We didn't get together. He told me he loved me and wanted me etc. I was newly out of a long term R and moving to Singapore on my own. He broke up with his girlfriend and flew to see me and our R began in a whirlwind of extensive phone conversations and emails, romantic catch ups across Asia etc. We were married within 18 months.

On reflection, I don't think he was single when we met. If I've learnt anything, it is that he has always been this way and quick to jump on something new and exciting. He is very insecure and really needs other people to tell him how great he is and it's an addiction. I think he broke up with his gf about 1 month after we started "long distance dating". I met his family and the gf had moved out and on at that stage. They both lived with his dad so that was verified.

He was mad when he got home last night, although he did come straight home. He thought I had called his work to verify who dropped him home but it was a conversation that his boss had with person x and WH was not mentioned. I think he has a guilty conscience and I told him that. He does not believe my non-invovement, but suggested that one other person knew where he was and that it may benefit them to create problems with me at home.

He wanted to go out but I asked him for our dialogue first. I probably got into too much detail about boundaries and breaking them and that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a M with him because I cannot trust that he wont have another A because of his behaviour not changing. I spoke of my concerns about his intentions of being home and said that I no longer want him sharing my bed if he is not interested in R. I said that I have been deeply hurt by his A and his repeat patterns and inability to see how it hurts me.

I said I have no doubt out marriage can be amazing, but I don't know if I want that anymore with someone who doesn't care for me or my day. I loved him once, but it's getting harder.

He did the dialogue with me and said he doesn't trust me at all, thinks I continue to snoop and are planning for a future where I can cut him out financially etc.

He told me that he didn't think I knew that he had been offered a R, but not with OW and that he has morals and values and would not do that to me or the kids.

He doesn't know if he can get over the exposure period and said I damaged so many relationships with his friends and family by trying to make him look bad. I said I would be thrilled if someone loved me that much that they'd tell everyone that they were trying to save their M.

He hates me, which he changed to dislikes me and hates what I did at my insistence of it being hurtful to me.

Told me that through my exposure actions I have caused him to be completely unattracted to me and turned his love for me into hate.

He doesn't know how long he'll stay, doesn't think this is working at all and insists that it was me begging him to come home. Cannot move out yet because he has no money yet and it will mean I get less money too.

Wants to stay committed to his new job and catches the train to be responsible. I thought he was indicating that he was doing that for bigger reasons such as going for custody.

Loves his kids more than anything and wants the world for them. I said that would be loving their mother, he said he does.

Told me he shares my bed because he still loves me.

He said there is maybe a small glimmer of hope that we can make the marriage work but really thinks it can only happen with distance from me. Misses me and loves me when we're apart, especially when he's hanging with his female friends, but hates being around me.

So, he went out. He called me 30 minutes later. He had a bag of clothes for the OW for a weekend gig and had left the bag in the bedroom so I put a family key chain photo in it with a message to DH saying how much I loved him and the beautiful family we had made together and looked forward to being a family forever.

Anyway, I noticed that he had taken the bag. He had called me to ask if I knew anything about the photo being in the bag. I said no, mumbled something about what blue bag etc and ignored it all.

I asked him where he was, he said in a house. I said are you at OW's house and he said yes. Honesty!!! I said thanks for telling me, say hi to her parents for me.

When he got home 1 hour later, came into our bedroom. We had a daybed in the room and that's where I was sleeping. I didn't want to be in the shared bed last night. He asked me if I had placed it in the bottom of the bag so that she would pull it out and see that he had a family. :MrEEk: I maintained that I knew nothing and kept it at that. I don't care. It worked by the sounds of it.

He wanted me to get into the our bed and give him the pillow and doona to take to the lounge where he would sleep. I said no.

He went to the lounge, turned up the heater and slept out there with just a sheet.

This morning I got the kids dressed, he dressed DD, but it's his day off from regular job so he slept in. All amicable today so far. MC at 1pm.