Oh GG..so sorry to hear this. I was surfin' here at work and saw this..my prayers go out to you and your family.

I am praying for peace for you right now.

I am so sorry.

Anne,
Don't overthink things.
Have you seen the movie "The Secret". Someone recently recommended it to me. It basically says whatever you focus upon is what you get. I can't believe it fully, but I do know that focusing on the negatives doesn't help.

It was Mike's time to go. No input from you, only God's choice.
And you will never know why.

I'm sorry you are hurting. And also glad to hear that you are coping, and I know for now it is because you must cope.
Keep taking one step ahead at a time and remember all the blessings in your life.

May God bless you and your family through this difficult time.

I'm always thinking of you. Your tragedy has made an impact on me personally. I don't know truly what you are going through as I have not walked in the shoes you are now wearing but I have faith that you will eventually have peace in your heart again.

Hugs
Ronda

GG -

As crazy as it sounds...I think this is going to make you stronger, wiser, more resolute. Possibly more serious. Possibly more of a thinker than ever. Not that it was cast upon you for that purpose - or that you needed it. It just happened. You aren't being punished. You have experienced life, full circle, with someone you love - from the beginning of your relationship to the end of his earthly life. You are the survivor, and that's a hard job.

Not that it needed to be either of you, but if you were to be the one to go, what would have happened with your girls? How would they have handled it? If the girls went back with their biological father, where would that have left Mike? Alone.

It makes a mark or a tally of some sort on your character. You live through it, so you then have compassion from that point forward for someone else in your familial or social circle who may go through it in the future. And you will be able to empathize completely and hold that person and KNOW...what to say and what to do for them. The words will come more easily. You will be their strength. I truly believe that.

It probably doesn't feel like that nor will any time soon, but it will come. I imagine right now you feel very fragile and very broken, but one day you'll go to bed and you'll realize you didn't cry that day. Then a week will go by, and you'll realize you didn't cry. Then a month. And then you'll realize you're getting stronger and you're healing to some degree - and you might even feel bad about that, but Mike would want you to heal, and you have to remember that.

I'm going to share something with you, but I am not trying to get you to think how I think or anything like that. I just hope that it gives you something to ponder and hopefully gives you some sort of comfort.

I believe when my grandmother died (and I realize there is absolutely no comparison, but since I have not been where you are at yet, for purposes of reflection) she knew that I was having a very hard time with closure. She came to me in 1 dream. It was just 1 dream, because it was all I needed for the closure. (I've had numerous dreams of another grandmother, but I think it's because there was no closure, and she refuses to talk to me in those dreams.)

Anyway, I digress. I will go to my grave saying it was more than just a dream but rather something paranormal. A few days after she passed away, in the dream, she called me on the phone but did not speak. There was an electrical charge; that's the only way I can explain it. It was kind of like when you walk past one of those telephone pole transformers? You can't see it, but you can feel it through your whole body. It's hard to articulate. We 'spoke' telepathically, (yeah, I know it sounds just too strange to be true, but it was) and she asked me what I wanted. (I was pulling her away from a gathering of some sort with my intense grief. She'd been talking to other people and enjoying herself.)

And I said "Gramma, I just wanted you to know that I love you." And she chuckled as if to say "Oh, is that all." And then she said "Well,I love you too." Then I slept peacefully for a bit with the connection open. When I woke up (in the dream) the connection was still open, though I could feel her slipping away again. Fearing it was going to be the last time I would ever get to 'talk' to her, I rushed to say "And everyone else loves and misses you too." Then the connection went dead. That electrical charge was replaced with silence and peace. As it happened, there were no other dreams. It's been about 11.5 years since I 'spoke' to her.

I tell you this, because after that dream, I had no doubts whatsoever about there being an afterlife. I believe that when we grieve intensely for a long period, which you are entitled to of course, it may actually inhibit that person from moving on at a point when they really should be moving on.

I think Mike is well aware of you, what you're going through, and loves you and the girls. I think you need to take the time to heal and not rush yourself. I think processing this is necessary to your emotional health. It won't be easy, but you can do this, GG.

Thank you, Soolee. And thanks, Peachy.

Sunday is here, and there is church. A good place to be, but ever so difficult. I'm trying to take care of myself and the girls, and yet I seem to be able to do so little.

I need to go wrap the outreach gifts to take them to church. I almost can't stand to.

GG,

You don't know me but I just want to express my sincere condolences on the loss of your husband. It makes me so sad. It is truly one of those times where there just aren't any answers. Be good to yourself. This is going to take time and it isn't going to be easy.

One book that springs to mind for you is When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold Kuschner.

Amazon.com Review
Rarely does a book come along that tackles a perennially difficult human issue with such clarity and intelligence. Harold Kushner, a Jewish rabbi facing his own child's fatal illness, deftly guides us through the inadequacies of the traditional answers to the problem of evil, then provides a uniquely practical and compassionate answer that has appealed to millions of readers across all religious creeds. Remarkable for its intensely relevant real-life examples and its fluid prose, this book cannot go unread by anyone who has ever been troubled by the question, "Why me?"

Wishing you healing . . .
S.

I've never had my worst fear come true. I think it was that I would die and not be there for my boys. Their dad was an alcholic and abusive. So that was a great fear and I was extremely relieved when they both turned 18.

You have suffered a tragic loss, just at the beginning of your marriage, and it will be very hard. It isn't fair.

I think it might be a bit easier if you knew what happened. Knowing there was a blocked artery or a stroke might make more sense. For some reason, in our society, we want to know all of the details.

I have friends from Southern Mexico, and there people just die, and no one finds out why. They seem to accept it in their culture.

Hopefully your girls will get through this too, and be stronger for it. But one always wants to protect kids from hurting.

Prayers to you and your family.

Deep in my heart, I don't think anyone on earth will know why Mike died. It was God taking him. I trust God has a plan, and that His plan is better than mine.

I screamed and moaned and wailed in the car after dropping the girls off. It's been a tough couple of days. I just have to say to everyone, this is still better than being miserably married. I was deeply loved, and loved him deeply in return. The whole death thing stinks, but I know it's only here on earth. Mike has gone before me, and he's waiting for me. I will never get over him really.

Went to the GF's church with her yesterday - a first for us (and it probably deserves a post of it's own somewhere). The pastor talked about the coming Advent season and encouraged the giving of "presence" rather than "presents". Despite the clever play on words, it made sense.

It sounds like Mike gave you that gift unconditionally and that you'll cherish it throughout your life as much as any material heirloom.

Holding you close in prayer. God bless you GG and family and H's family. ((((GreenGables))))

Thinking of you today (((GG))).

I kind of the same way that you do about losing someone to death. My ex cheated and it was very hard because he didn't value the marriage or want me any more.

I kept seeing stories of men dying trying to save their families - one in Oregon walked through the snow to save his trapped family - he died, but they were saved.

Then there is the whole 911 thing where partners WANTED to be together forever, but were denied the chance.

Your hubby didn't want to leave you, and you can take some comfort in that. I know it is still very, very hard on you and your girls.

And I must edit to say that I have NOT experienced the death of a partner, so I really don't know how I would feel. Just letting you know how I felt before.

I know what you mean, Believer.

You know, I think people who have experienced divorce can come close to this. My divorce was something I needed to do, but it was awful trying to save a marriage single handedly. Ultimately, I wasn't worth the effort for B. That was terrible.

This is sad, but I don't feel rejected, and that's a big difference.

Weaves, I finally saw what you wrote on the book thread. Many thanks. I'm not sure Mike listens to me all the time now, any more than he was able to concentrate for long times as I babbled at him. LOL. But he's there. I got the sudden feeling today that he's enjoying heaven, and that made me feel a little better. Earlier, I felt he was impatient and possiby annoyed.

This is such a rollercoaster. I just hope that after being divorced and then widowed, I can have a non-rollercoaster decade. That's all I really want.

I don't really know, but have always thought about it. My ex promised to love me forever, and seemed to leave me so easily, and I was jealous of all the people who had true love.

When I read news stories about husbands or wives dying prematurely, I felt cheated. And I know that is selfish. My ex didn't spend any time considering whether to have an affair. He just did it.

Of course, no one wants to lose a lifetime mate. But at least the rejection isn't there.

You and M were married a short time, but are still married into eternity.

Prayers going up for you and your girls. Stay strong.

Believer, I know this sounds weird and may not pertain to everyone, but death is easier in some ways. Harder in others. With divorce, you get the rejection, and some of us who initiated the divorced were originally the rejectees. With divorce, you also get an ex who can continue to plague you, or act as a reminder of the rejection. It's like a pebble in your shoe. It's always there and can be really annoying.

This, I think, will be something quite different. Always there, but sweet too. I made Mike happy and that's the best thing to know.

Okay, I'm NOT going to cry yet again today.

I'm going to go to the parent teacher conference instead.

This is a hard thing. Of course, I guess I would rather have my ex still alive and living a life somewhere. I don't talk to him except every few months, and it is kind of like talking to the checker at the grocery store.

On the other hand, he chose to leave me. He broke his vows, and that colors the whole marriage.

Sometimes it just seems so unfair that those who love have to lose someone, and others just are willing to toss their beloved with hardly a thought.

Hope that you can get through Thanksgiving. I know this is a hard time of the year.

Oh, yeah. He was alive and on the couch. I told him he had been dead for many days and how could he be alive. He sort of shrugged and didn't have an answer.

Then I reminded him of the toys he bought me for christmas. This may fall under too much info, but Mike did early christmas shopping. I found a receipt in his email for Penthouse, and knew I needed to find the box before the kids did. That man had PLANS!
I miss the sex with him. It just kept getting better. I fell in love with him in bed. I know you're not supposed to do that, you're supposed to fall in love first, have sex second. Oh, well.

Anyway, turns out, he was wrong. He is dead. And I woke up before we could try out any of those toys. Poor Mike. I really hope we get to have sex in heaven. Wouldn't that be fun?

GG,

Wanted to let you know I am thinking about you on this Thanksgiving day.

Isn't it curiously funny how dreams can seem so real. I've had some where I could feel them, smell them, and some so real I have woke up shaking in fright and my heart feeling like it could jump out of my chest.

I am thinking of you today (and most everyday)!

Ronda

Every night I sing to my kids. Even when I don't have them I call them on the phone and sing them some kind of song. Itsy Bitsy Spider, ABCDs, Ol' McDonald, etc... For the first year after their mom and I separated I couldn't sing You Are My Sunshine. It would make me break down because of the second stanza. If you don't know it, look it up and you'll see what I'm talking about.