Stick with the solicitor the AVO will be controlled by the police next time you complain.You will lose control. You need to know the ramifications of what will be set in train before you take that step.

I agree with Mel; you should state that any visitation hand-offs will take place at your parents'.

And who gives a flip if his family is mad at you?! Why do you care? They don't live with you, do they? Then they don't matter!

Believe me, you can survive a marriage without the extended family. And if they treat you or IM poorly, cut them off, too!

Have your lawyer file the AVO. Let everything be handled through him from now on. Hon, this is the ONLY way he will ever respect you. Don't you see that?

AGree with cat, your inlaws are TOXIC!

Hello 2M2L, I have dipped into your thread but from what I've read I can see how tough this is for you. I feel so sorry for you but hold strong. It's not easy because when you see him his powerful personality is forcing his point of view on you.

I am in Plan B too and geographical circumstances have meant that I don't see WH at all. That distance has allowed me to see things much more clearly: the hard facts without having them blurred by his foggy thinking, my own boundaries with no fudging. It's not easy for you especially with small children depending on you too. Please try to believe in yourself and your instincts. If, instinctively you don't like situations he's putting you in then listen to that. I'm have very little advice to give as I feel so lost in my own life but I see that you are getting lots of good advice from others. This post struck me:

and I wanted to say that if a D is inevitable (and I'm not for a second saying that it is in your case) then IMO it's best if that happens when the children are as young as possible. I can see very clearly that my 4 year old will cope much better if we end up there than my almost 11 year old would.
I'm not saying what you should do, I just mean that, IMO, it is in the best interests of your children for you to reconstruct this M in the best of all possible conditions or else walk away from it. Only you can make that decision but don't put them through the he// of a bad M.

My 2p worth - lots of hugs

Tully

I see the solicitor tomorrow afternoon.

So do you all agree that I should get an AVO?

I am really worried about it!

Do you think it will harm my chances of reconciliation?

I agree about the inlaws. My WH hadn't spoken with his mother in the last 6 months so I'm surprised she's backing him now!

2much - you are proposing following the path of least resistance and I guarantee the results of your planned actions WILL result in divorce, not reconcilliation with a whole lot of extra needless misery thrown in along the way.

Nearly every BS says this same thing. And do you know what happens, when they don't become just as strong and mean as the WS? They get walked all over! The WS takes that gift and runs with it!

Especially with your controlling husband; the ONLY way to reconcile is to prove to him that if he wants his family back, he will treat you with respect because you deserve it. Only YOU have to respect yourself FIRST. Get the AVO. You can have IM tell him that HIS actions made it necessary by him breaking into your house. You will not tolerate such disrespect. Put the blame where it belongs - he caused it with the affair, with the rudeness, with the breaking in.

How will an intervention order help things?

Won't that justify that I have lost the plot and are mean and vindictive and give him more ammunition to hate me?

I think you HAVE lost the plot and are living in a fantasy land where appeasement gets the job done.

Catperson did a good job of explaining how the AVO will help and others have posted similar to you for the last week.

Appeasement will NOT WORK

You are enabling his abuse.

Dear God - the man broke into your house and rode roughshod over you all weekend. This will continue until you make sure it can't.

He will hate you and call you "mean and vindictive" if you go into plan B. You are going to be hated anyway for not minding him. But the goal here is not to APPEASE a tyrannical wayward, but to REMOVE YOURSELF FROM HIS ABUSE.

I have a question for you. For how many years have you allowed HIM to tell YOU who and what you are? Because that is what you are saying here. YOU know why you need to be away from him. He doesn't get it yet because he isn't used to being told no. Obviously, based on his family's reaction!

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY ANYTHING. All you have to do is protect yourself from him.

HE KNOWS what it takes for you to let him back. He refuses to do it. Fine. He's throwing away his family just because he won't say Uncle. How stupid is that?

Honestly, I really want you to read that book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men because more and more of what you say shows that he is at the least controlling, and maybe even abusive. You see, abuse victims don't know they're abused, because the abuser takes away her being, one criticism at a time, one sideways look that says you ticked me off, one standoff at a time that you give in to, unitl all you know is giving in to him so he won't get upset. Believe me, I know!

What that means is that, if he is one of these people, he is NOT going to suddenly see the light and want to be nice to you. So you have to protect yourself; he sure won't do it.

Husband or not, father or not, the way he is treating you is the worst possible thing for your kids to live through. They will grow up being just like him, or just like you - miserable either way. The ONLY way you can stop that is to stand up to him and let him know you're serious.

Restraining order; let the law do it for you.

I guess it's always been in the background. I have gotten used to compliance rather than conflict, but we had a good marriage for the majority of the time. I really did spend about 97% of the time feeling loved, lucky and special. If things were tough, he would withdraw first.

I do agree with this. He is having a tantrum and acting like a spoilt 3 year old when you threaten to take the toy away before dinner. I just wish he'd see it that way. I just feel like an AVO will send him the message that I am trying to control him further, and that's what he hates about me.

My library doesn't have it but I am still searching. Everything is really expensive and I'm not getting money from him and with Christmas and the economic climate, times are tough.

He definatley doesn't know how to play nice. His mother taught him some horrible life lessons and all three brothers have the same foundation in life. Scream as loud as possible until people listen to you, and if they don't, scream louder and complain until they do.; At almost 70, she is still a protester for animals, street zones etc.

I don't want the kids to grow up with WH. My H was really a much better person, but I have not been the best person lately either.

This still freaks me out. I will talk to the solicitor tomorrow.

This is going to sound ridiculous but I need to vent.

He asked me to his work Christmas party tonight and to his band rehearsal on Thursday, my birthday, and then coffee and cake together.

It was all during our R talk but I still hurt so much that this is not happening. I was much stronger last week when I was happy arranging my own weekend and own birthday and now I crave his contact. I hope he misses me at his party tonight, if he still goes.

I miss him so much. I can see why it would be so easy to take them back on breadcrumbs when we deserve the whole loaf. I loved having him at homw over the weekend and it feels so natural and nice to share a laugh and play with the kids. I just wish that it wasn't jaded by everything else.

Vent over. I need to pull myself together!

Can you order from amazon.com? They sell tons of used books for very little money. You really need it right now, to give you the moral strength to protect yourself.

If you start feeling weak, like giving in, just keep asking yourself what your marriage would look like in 5 years, if you give in? You will NEVER have a voice in the marriage. You know it's true. He'll be scr&wing every female he sees and wants, because he'll know you'll never leave him. Probably in your own house.

Actually it sends the message you will not be controlled by him.

This will get far worse not better if you won't take control of your life.

So, WH sent me a message directly:-

"I am meeting with a legal aid lawyer tomorrow to hopefully sort out the money issues and work out a family court proposal for you. I'm sorry but because of Xmas I couldn't get in today. I hope you understand that I must protect myself and my children and I am not trying to stall you or skimp on them."

So, I forwarded it to my IM. I already have an appointment with legal aid and I thought that meant he had to go elsewhere - we couldn't both use the free service.

Anyway, it was rather polite but totally unacceptable if he wanted to work on R. Why would he need the safety net of family court orders???

He is calling so I'm ignoring it. I haven't resent the pbl yet.

He left a voice mail saying he hopes I'm not starting up the bull-s-t again by not answering the phone and playing the games. If it's not what I'm doing he apologises. He wants to talk about finances.

Advice please...

CP - I found an ebook of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men for $16 and am purchasing it now!

Beautiful weather we're having right now doncha think?

Oh, I get it loud and clear BK - I hate that my first reaction is to panic!!!

Actually, it was meant to be 26 degrees so I sent the kids to daycare in summer gear, but it's been cold and raining for the last couple of hours!

Love your work!!!

Stop trying to figure out what he's thinking! I know its hard but you must. You are in Plan B remember??? It's about not dealing with his cr*p! You obviously need a new IM.

If this continues you can kiss any chance of Recovery goodbye
Please take the advice you're being given!

It's 28° here (78°F for our american friends)

Gonna be a hot summer.