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2M2L, I meant to wish you a happy birthday for tomorrow despite the circumstances. Do something nice or even better, let others do nice things for you.
If face to face is the issue then I think you need to work out how to do a Plan B without seeing him at all.
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage. Maya Angelou
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If face to face is the issue then I think you need to work out how to do a Plan B without seeing him at all.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW) D-Day August 2005 Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23 Empty Nesters. Fully Recovered.
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2M2L.
You are just like my grandmother. Two of her sons lie, cheat, steal, drink, and abandon the family.
They waaah waaah and do nice things for a while and she lets them right back in because she wants to keep the peace and hopes for the peaceful silence that occurs during that "while."
WAKE UP! Plan B is Plan B which means TOTAL DARKNESS!
He saw you were serious so he knew he had to do something, and fast.
Please. Please.
Don't do this to yourself! Are you a masochist? Do you LIKE being hurt time after time? Do you LIKE being abused???
:twobyfour:
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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2M2L, I meant to wish you a happy birthday for tomorrow despite the circumstances. Do something nice or even better, let others do nice things for you.
If face to face is the issue then I think you need to work out how to do a Plan B without seeing him at all. Thanks Tully. We just had cake and singing at work and the girls bought me some lovely flowers and we're going out to lunch soon and then my family are taking me out for tea. It's going to be a lovely birthday! Face to face is huge problem. The other issue is the kids are 1 and 3 and seeing them outside the house is difficult logistically with small kids. They are sleepy when he visits at night and he says he can't have them for sleep overs where he's staying, wherever that is.
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1 Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005 EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08 Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08 Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances. Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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He visited the kids last night (pre-arranged with IM) but gave DD my present which she opened on the way in. It was my super diamond ring and he spent $1700 on it.
He told me he kept seeing on my dream board and really wanted me to have it - I deserved it. And this is exactly what I was talking about in my earlier post. You say that you "hope he can return to the good person he used to be". But the fact is - the person you see in him right now, this is the real him. Your WH is being his true self right now, and frankly he is very open about it. He has a problem - he likes to chase women. He likes the thrill of the chase. And when he has "won" the woman, he becomes bored with her. If she starts to get tired of his crap,and asks him to leave her alone, then he wants to chase her some more. This is not a M. This is a game the two of you are playing. And your darling children are suffering because of it. You see the ring as a loving gesture. It isn't. A loveing gesture is when a man cares for his family, and protects them from harm. When he doesn't call them names, and doesn't let anyone else do it either. He is trying to buy you off with that ring, and you are wearing it!!! I thought you were more mature than that. You are a Mom! You have babies to protect!! That line about "putting the ring away until he is ready to committ to the M" is bull crap. He is never going to "committ" to the M. Why the he!! should he? You are making a complete joke out of what M is all about, and you are teaching this to your DD. Your DD will grow up to M a man just like this, because she does not know any better. I don't know if plan b is the right thing or if plan a is. This is not Plan A or Plan B. why would you even ask such a ridiculous question? You ignore him, and act like you are going to stand up to him, until he gives you a diamond ring. That is all he has done. he did not write a letter, he did not committ. He still wants to be free to do whatever he wants to. But you got a ring. that was all it took, and he gets to be have you when he wants to, he gets to have a 19 year old girl "adore" him, and heck he can even go to the bars at night looking for a new woman. Didn't he tell you that OW "has fallen in love with him now". Is that really ok with you? A 19 year old girl has fallen in love with him. She thinks that this man is going to marry her, have children with her. She is no longer looking for a H, becuase she has "fallen in love" with a man in his forties, who has cheated on his W at least 3 times. he wants to come back, but at the right time. this is disgusting. he does not want to come back and be a man, and take care of his W and children until he has had plenty of time to talk to other women and hang out with other women without you watching him. This is not M. So, if he decides in a week that it is finally "the right time" then what? You let him just wander back in? And in 6 months, when he wants some time alone again to "become the man you deserve" are you going to smile and hold the door open for him? What if your little girl were married to a man like this? What would you tell her? "Its ok for your H to move out when ever he pleases. All you need to do is a Plan A!" You have grossly abused Plan A. And you really only get one chance to do a good plan B. Your chance is over, done. he will never take you seriously again. and how do you explain this to your children??? "its ok babies. Daddy sleeps here sometimes, and sometimes he sleeps somewhere else. But thats Ok. this is plan A. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A!!" Is it possible that THIS is really all you want in a M? You don't really want a man that is with you full time? As long as he comes back once a week for SF, and gives you an occasional gift, that is really all you requre? I dont say that to be mean - I seriously wonder if that is really what you want.
Married 18 years D Day June 25, 2003 Divorced December 17, 2003
Newly married to a wonderful man!
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"Ok 2M2L. That's it. You have finished us. From this moment on it is over between us for good. I want you to understand that you pushed me to this and you have meade it impossible for me to reconcile with you because now my family are fully against it. You have killed off anyting that was left. I will file for divorce tomorrow. Please do not call me again. If you need to speak to me re the kids, only sms.I cannot do this anymore, you are too unpredictable and obviously need help. I wish you only the best. Goodbye 2M2L and i hope you find what you are looking for. Just out of curiousity, how did all of this jsut go away so fast? It is no longer over for good? It is no longer impossible to reconcile? Is his family still fully against it? Has he filed for D? This is not normal!! This is not just the fog talk of an A. This man says things like this, and the next day just acts like it never happend. I wonder - are you making this stuff up??? Have I been duped here?
Married 18 years D Day June 25, 2003 Divorced December 17, 2003
Newly married to a wonderful man!
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2M2L, I know this is hard, but please don't let his limitations with the kids influence the choices you need to make to care for yourself. The better care you take of yourself, the better able you are to take care of your kids. Having your WH around unhealthy, is not helpful to your kids, especially if it depletes your spirit. Spell out in your updated Plan B letter, what you expect, what you need and what you will allow for visitation. They cannot visit with him in your house IF THAT IS UNHEALTHY FOR YOU! He must come up with a solution that you are ok with -- not you! We spend so much of our married life considering our partner's wants and needs -- this is not the time to do that. What do you need and want that you control? Figure that out and stick with it! And, if you can, I highly reccommend a Pug -- much better than any ring!!!
BF439
Me:BS40 WXH:42 DD15; DS13; DD6 D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08 WH moved out 9/15/08 D: 1/15/10
"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country." "Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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"Ok 2M2L. That's it. You have finished us. From this moment on it is over between us for good. I want you to understand that you pushed me to this and you have meade it impossible for me to reconcile with you because now my family are fully against it. You have killed off anyting that was left. I will file for divorce tomorrow. Please do not call me again. If you need to speak to me re the kids, only sms.I cannot do this anymore, you are too unpredictable and obviously need help. I wish you only the best. Goodbye 2M2L and i hope you find what you are looking for. Just out of curiousity, how did all of this jsut go away so fast? It is no longer over for good? It is no longer impossible to reconcile? Is his family still fully against it? Has he filed for D? This is not normal!! This is not just the fog talk of an A. This man says things like this, and the next day just acts like it never happend. I wonder - are you making this stuff up??? Have I been duped here? I have never made anything up. He has always cried loudest to get the attention and he persists to this day. I didn't contact him after his messages so he dropped it. I remember putting a post in before about the Queen Of Hearts personality type - Off With Their Heads whenever someone disagrees with them. He has major personality swings and I am ashamedly used to jumping over them instead of refusing to put up with them. I need to do a serious dark plan B, for my own sanity. I struggle with thinking about the kind of life expectations I am setting up for my children and when they came into the bedroom looking for WH today, it broke my heart. I want a committed loving H who wants to wake up beside me every day and be the one to come to bed with me at night. I want love and respect and to be adored. I feel ashamed that I have fallen for his "good side" again and had almost nearly convinced myself that this was ok and he just needed more time. I've been waiting for nearly 6 months! Please help me with a letter for him. I need him to know this is not okay.
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1 Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005 EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08 Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08 Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances. Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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If you know it's not okay why do you keep doing it?
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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You see the ring as a loving gesture. It isn't. A loveing gesture is when a man cares for his family, and protects them from harm. When he doesn't call them names, and doesn't let anyone else do it either. I saw the ring as the start of my dreams coming true, that WH was starting to see the light. He is trying to buy you off with that ring, and you are wearing it!!! I thought you were more mature than that. You are a Mom! You have babies to protect!! That line about "putting the ring away until he is ready to committ to the M" is bull crap. He is never going to "committ" to the M. Why the he!! should he? You are making a complete joke out of what M is all about, and you are teaching this to your DD. Your DD will grow up to M a man just like this, because she does not know any better. What should I do with it? This is not Plan A or Plan B. why would you even ask such a ridiculous question? You ignore him, and act like you are going to stand up to him, until he gives you a diamond ring. That is all he has done. he did not write a letter, he did not committ. He still wants to be free to do whatever he wants to. But you got a ring. that was all it took, and he gets to be have you when he wants to, he gets to have a 19 year old girl "adore" him, and heck he can even go to the bars at night looking for a new woman. Should I spell out that I need the letter, committment and resurrect my boundaries and put them in too? Didn't he tell you that OW "has fallen in love with him now". Is that really ok with you? A 19 year old girl has fallen in love with him. She thinks that this man is going to marry her, have children with her. She is no longer looking for a H, becuase she has "fallen in love" with a man in his forties, who has cheated on his W at least 3 times. Apparently this is not true, she just misses their friendship. this is disgusting. he does not want to come back and be a man, and take care of his W and children until he has had plenty of time to talk to other women and hang out with other women without you watching him. This is not M. So, if he decides in a week that it is finally "the right time" then what? You let him just wander back in? And in 6 months, when he wants some time alone again to "become the man you deserve" are you going to smile and hold the door open for him? What if your little girl were married to a man like this? What would you tell her? "Its ok for your H to move out when ever he pleases. All you need to do is a Plan A!" I have become resigned and cynical that this is all I will get, you're right. You have grossly abused Plan A. And you really only get one chance to do a good plan B. Your chance is over, done. he will never take you seriously again. Can I fix this? and how do you explain this to your children??? "its ok babies. Daddy sleeps here sometimes, and sometimes he sleeps somewhere else. But thats Ok. this is plan A. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A!!" This is exactly what I said. I feel awful about it. Is it possible that THIS is really all you want in a M? You don't really want a man that is with you full time? As long as he comes back once a week for SF, and gives you an occasional gift, that is really all you requre? I dont say that to be mean - I seriously wonder if that is really what you want. NO. I want so much more! I hate this!!!
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1 Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005 EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08 Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08 Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances. Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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If you know it's not okay why do you keep doing it? I've become so good at being a doormat that it excuses everything! I hate being this way and I really want to change. Everytime I stand up for myself WH tells me that I am not the woman he loves, where is she?
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1 Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005 EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08 Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08 Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances. Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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You mean the woman he LIKES TO CONTROL.
He doesn't "love you" unless he can control, dominate, and make your life completely devoted to him no matter what OW he's ****edit****
Last edited by Dufresne; 12/10/08 08:11 PM. Reason: vulgar
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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If you know it's not okay why do you keep doing it? I've become so good at being a doormat that it excuses everything! I hate being this way and I really want to change. Everytime I stand up for myself WH tells me that I am not the woman he loves, where is she? You know, he may have a point. He may have fallen in love with someone who has been a doormat and now you are changing the rules. That is not necessarily a bad thing for you, but you may need to really start thinking about your life without him, because if he married a doormat and you are working on not being one, it may not be the match you both wanted! Maybe he is being more of what you married and you are growing a different way and now you (you, 2M2L) need to decide, do you keep growing and let him know its unacceptable for him to bulldoze you or do you agree that you have not been the woman he married and go back to that behavior? Even if an affair was not part of the issue, I think the above dynamic is a big question you need to decide on. I wish you all the best in this process!!! BF439
Me:BS40 WXH:42 DD15; DS13; DD6 D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08 WH moved out 9/15/08 D: 1/15/10
"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country." "Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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He fell in love with me as a giving, loving, independent and tolerant woman. And he, as a dominant and controlling man gently encouraged and rewarded me to be the best doormat ever.
Sigh. BF, you could be right.
I do need to make a stand to see if there is a chance for me to get the love I deserve, be that with my H or someone else. WH is not giving me what I need.
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1 Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005 EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08 Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08 Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances. Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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HOW IS THIS FOR A DIGNIFIED WAY BACK INTO PLAN B???
Dear WH,
This is not working for me.
I cannot be your beloved wife and wait patiently for you to come and go when it pleases you. I can no longer tolerate being used by you in this way. It hurts me every day that you spend away from our family and hurts me that you cannot be around me. All I want to do is be the best wife for you and create a beautiful marriage together.
Until you are able to separate completely from OW and commit to our marriage and write me a letter which tells me the path you will take to make our marriage amazing, I will have no further contact with you. I am sorry that this hurts you, but I cannot take this chance with my heart and my love for you any longer.
I have included a copy of my original letter to you and I ask you to please respect my wishes and not contact me by any means. If it is about visitation with the kids or finances, please contact IM and she will pass the information on to me. I can drop the kids at mum and dad’s house on a Wednesday night and you can see them there. Mum and dad are not trying to make this hard on you, they are trying to help.
As for the swimming lessons, they continue until Saturday 20th December. I would prefer that we do not see each other at the pool. Please let IM know if you want to take the kids swimming or if you would like to see the kids at the playground after swimming and have lunch/snacks with them (2pm).
If you are able to have a sleepover with the children on a Friday or Saturday night, please let IM know the day before and I can have the bags and beds ready for you and have a meeting place in the city to make it easier for you. Alternatively you can pick up the kids from mum and dad’s house or ask your brother to pick them up them or from xx.
I love you, I’ve never stopped. I just want a healthy marriage with you and this is not it.
Your loving wife, 2M2L
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1 Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005 EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08 Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08 Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances. Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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HOW IS THIS FOR A DIGNIFIED WAY BACK INTO PLAN B???
Dear WH,
This is not working for me.
I cannot be your beloved wife and share you with another.I want to be the best wife I can be and I cannot do that while you continue your relationship with OW.
Until you are able to separate completely from OW and commit to our marriage and write her a letter of No Contact, that I approve, I will have no further contact with you.
Do not contact me unless through the IM. Please only contact me about issues re: the children or finances. I can drop the kids at mum and dad’s house on a Wednesday night(s) and you can see them there. Mum and dad are supportive of our marriage and will do their part to help me in this difficult situation. Swimming lessons continue until Saturday 20th December. Please let IM know, 24 hours prior, if you want to take the kids swimming or if you would like to arrange to see the kids at the playground after swimming (2 PM).
Please plan to have the kids for a sleepover on a Friday or Saturday night. Let IM know the day before and I can have the bags and beds ready for you for pick up. I am also willing to arrange the following pick-up arrangements: a neutral location in the city, pick-up from mum and dad’s house or ask your brother to pick them up them or from xx.
I love you, and I am willing to make the effort for a healthy marriage, but until you cease contact with OW for life, I cannot see you or work on our marriage together. I will miss you, especially during this special time of year. I have also included the ring you bought me. I would be more than willing to recieve such a beautiful gift from my husband when he has committed to a healthy marriage. Your loving wife, 2M2L I made some changes... Let me know what you think... BF439
Me:BS40 WXH:42 DD15; DS13; DD6 D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08 WH moved out 9/15/08 D: 1/15/10
"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country." "Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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I've become so good at being a doormat that it excuses everything! I hate being this way and I really want to change. Every time I stand up for myself WH tells me that I am not the woman he loves, where is she? Hey fellow Plan B'er! I just popped in on this page so I'm not sure of everything that's going on with ya, but I just wanted to show support you. I know the pain you feel and I know the fear you face in Plan B. I face it daily. I face that lying fear that if I just break the plan B then maybe he'll come home or maybe he's right maybe maybe maybe-NOPE. That is the lie that is trying to appear real to you. FEAR is to me false evidence appearing real or defined as: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Our H's know by our previous history exactly how we will react and exactly how to get us to cave. Its hard to get out of acting and responding in that previous way but we MUST at all cost do that very thing even if only for ourselves and not motivated by whether or not our spouses come back. He knows where to get you and what to say to you so its time to throw him off girl friend. He is counting on you responding the way you always do, time for a curve ball baby! GO DARK DARK DARK. Don't be motivated by fear in your choices. Its hard I know, I have to do the same thing. But I make baby steps in that direction and then I know at some point that is the way I will be living and if you rise up and go for it so will you. Live not by fear but by faith. And faith not just in the outcome of the marriage but in ourselves and in God. Its growing time for all of us. To be stronger and more confident individuals. I say risk everything to gain your self respect and confidence. Stretch yourself and see just what you can do. Take a risk, GO DARK, its a good risk and a calculated risk, its a great plan to go for risking and much to gain in you.
Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10 Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08 Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08 Plan B 11/15/08-currently 01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL 01/31/09 Planned brief contact 02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
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I love you, and I am willing to make the effort for a healthy marriage, but until you cease contact with OW for life, I cannot see you or work on our marriage together. I will miss you, especially during this special time of year. I have also included the ring you bought me. I would be more than willing to recieve such a beautiful gift from my husband when he has committed to a healthy marriage. Your loving wife, 2M2L[/color][/i] Hi BF - this was especially hard to read for me and know it is going to hurt him too. But, I know it is necessary to show I am serious! Thank you for your edit - it sounds good to me.
Last edited by 2much2lose; 12/10/08 10:21 PM.
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1 Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005 EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08 Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08 Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances. Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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Hey fellow Plan B'er! I just popped in on this page so I'm not sure of everything that's going on with ya, but I just wanted to show support you. I know the pain you feel and I know the fear you face in Plan B. I face it daily. I face that lying fear that if I just break the plan B then maybe he'll come home or maybe he's right maybe maybe maybe-NOPE. You're so right, it's a horrible place to be, except you've kept yours us and I've failed. That is the lie that is trying to appear real to you. FEAR is to me false evidence appearing real or defined as: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
Our H's know by our previous history exactly how we will react and exactly how to get us to cave. Its hard to get out of acting and responding in that previous way but we MUST at all cost do that very thing even if only for ourselves and not motivated by whether or not our spouses come back. He knows where to get you and what to say to you so its time to throw him off girl friend. He is counting on you responding the way you always do, time for a curve ball baby! You are so right. He knows exactly how to win me over and is surprised when I say no and applies pressure for me to confrm. I need to stop acting in the fashion that is bad for me! GO DARK DARK DARK. Don't be motivated by fear in your choices. Its hard I know, I have to do the same thing. But I make baby steps in that direction and then I know at some point that is the way I will be living and if you rise up and go for it so will you. Live not by fear but by faith. And faith not just in the outcome of the marriage but in ourselves and in God. Yes. Fear is horrible and I've also faced pressure from well meaning friends and family who think that Plan B = not working on marriage and therefore compliance and keeping him happy is good. I need to find my faith again. Its growing time for all of us. To be stronger and more confident individuals. I say risk everything to gain your self respect and confidence. Stretch yourself and see just what you can do. Take a risk, GO DARK, its a good risk and a calculated risk, its a great plan to go for risking and much to gain in you. I want to hand him my plan B letter and stand up to him. He didn't believe the email but I must do it in person so that he knows that seeing me in person will not make a difference this time. BK - what do you think? Thanks for the support T2L!
BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1 Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005 EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08 Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08 Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances. Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Member
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Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245 |
I guess I just prefer the peace and quiet like this rather than last week when it was volitile.
I am horrible face to face with him and need to learn to defend my rights etc. I am way too compliant in person. Over the phone and email I am very strong.
I have downloaded the book that Catperson suggested and am reading as much as possible to get stronger.
I am just afraid and confused.
What new plan B letter should I send to give him the message more strongly? I guess he is in control again.
You all haven't wasted your time, I really want this to work. I appreciate your efforts and I was on fire until Friday night when WH came around to the house. It really took the wind out of my sails and I'm struggling again. Then don't let him anywhere near the house! If he is seeing kids, let him pick them up and drop them off at someone else's house!Hon, every person here sees that he is abusive and manipulative - just like in that book. You have been living with it so long that you can't see it any more. That's what happens to abuse victims - the abuser takes away one little snippet at a time - he criticizes your short hair cut, so you grow your hair out; you're mildly upset at this, but can't figure out why. Every time you discuss your mother, he criticizes her; so you end up distancing yourself from your mother so you don't have to hear him cut her down. Little things like this, and you give up a piece of your life, one at a time, until you are only a shell of your former self. That is also why you are so weak around him - he has conditioned you to NOT piss him off; therefore, when you do something you know will piss him off like standing up to him, your gut wrenches, you have a panic attack. You know why you had a panic attack? Because you were finally protecting yourself, and doing the right thing, and then here he comes and you cave totally (SF?!). So now your subconscious is screaming at you, because you know when you let him come home, you'll have even less power than you had before, and you won't even be a shell of yourself, you'll be whatever he wants you to be.
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by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 04:02 PM
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