I suspect he is very afraid of you. I think a visit from you might have a great impact on him. As it is now, he believes he is free to have an affair with your wife and you will not object. I would disabuse him of that notion. If he knows you will fight for your marriage and will name him in an alienation of affection suit, he will have second thoughts.

I agree 100%! My thinking is to bring someone with me, preferably a female so as to not be threatening. Also was considering recording the whole "event" either on camera or voice only.

FWIW
I am personally against divorce!! I grew up with it and it sucked!!
The years leading up to "bomb day" were not perfect. I have made the changes in myself that are necessary and were complaints of my W. I am not reconsidering exposure to be vindictive. Almost all interactions between my W and I that anyone would see over the last few months.....are probably better then most people that are not going thru this kinda mess. I understand the "fog" and rewriting of marital history and these kind of concepts. Currently I am detached enough from her at the moment where I think I can handle the "hell" that my next steps will bring.

Good idea to record the event. Put a little recorder in your pocket. But the idea here is to be as threatening as possible. If you bring someone, bring a big burly bouncer or a TEXAN. Leave your pistol in the car, though.

Do you think I should be that threatening?
Couldn't that be used against me legally? "he went over there with the intent of violence" That was why I was thinking of bringing a female.

Thats ridiculous. Bring a man and scare the hell out of him with your quiet and firm presence. Don't raise your voice, don't make any violent threats. Just tell him how it is and how it will be.

What is he going to do? Call the police and tell them the husband of the married woman he is having an affair with had a discussion with him?

I just wanted to make sure you understand the purpose of exposing, in case it comes up. It is, as you say, not to punish, but to STOP the affair, so you can have your W back. You'll never get her back unless she breaks contact with him. Thus the exposure, so everyone else will get on to them about it and hopefully shame or harass them into quitting it. Affairs are no fun when everyone's disappointed in you and makes your life miserable.

I understand this 100%!!

I have told my W I forgive her for the A....but take no responsibility for her DOING it. I know what parts I am responsible for our M leading up to it. I have a 6 page letter she wrote about a month after bomb day....it used to make me cry when I read it...I even let our MC read it. She "tried" for about 5 days after that letter...the pull was to strong. She claimed I smothered her the whole time....I did but did not know what to do. I still get little "pieces" of my W....those pieces...and our kids...and my detachment....make me think this is the correct next step.

I like this Melody. I did not see it this way myself.

Things around our house are so normal....it makes ya wonder. We cook together...eat as a family.....do each others laundry...talk a about our days....regular "family" stuff....except for the 500lb gorilla in the room!!

Xmas
Ws family is coming to our house for Xmas. I will continue on as I am being a good spouse/dad/inlaw. After Xmas is when I will expose.

1. Go to OMs house. Trying to find the words....will do some thinking

2. Employer/OM letters. I have copies of both....I will post them up for approval/changes.

3. Family letters. These I have copies of as well....same as above when I get time.

I sent my wife an email before I filed. I will post it up as well. I am wondering if I should send her another before exposure.....not a warning letter but a "this is your last shot" kinda letter.

Send it Certified Mail with the "addressee only" box checked on the green card that is your receipt.

Charlotte

Carp 54 asked me to post this for him...

His proposed letter is this:

Dear Mr 3 different Partners.

You and I have met on several occasions. During the last 2 christmas parties and when I would stop by the office to say hi to my wife Jennefer.

There is something I want to share with you. There is an inappropriate relationship going on between two of your employees. My wife, Jennefer and OM are involved in an affair at your location.

I have been informed that this relationship has been active since july of 2007.

Since you are a business owner, and a person I have met and are a good person, I knew you would want to know this and address this matter appropriately.

In the office I work in employee fraternization is frowned upon, and the cosequences can be severe. I can only request a transfer to your other location, or more serious actions for him, as you see fit. I know that my wife does share some blame here, but his pursuit of a married woman who is a mother of 2 daughters, while on your premises, and on your timeclock, I would personally find dispicable.

This is obviously a very personal matter for me, as I am sure it would be for you, and both my wifes and my family request your help in bringing these activities to an end on your premises.

I have been to companies that have a very strict "no cellphone" policy inside the building as the constant calls and texts lead to lost productivity.

Thank you for your time in addressing this situation. I am available by phone or email if you wish to discuss this further

Name
Home#
Cell#

Carp54 wants also asked:


How do I get the timing of all the letters right?

1 letter to wife...let her stew

2 letters to parents\employers

Parent letter will be mailed. His last name is quite unique so I may mail to everyone of them!

Boss letter will be email. They are all posted on company website. I dont know if they have secretaries who check that stuff for them. How should I title the letter as in the subject line?

Thx

Thx Alexn!!
Alexn and I are kinda "neighbors".

Also, Carp 54 got this advice elsewhere:

Do NOT send the letter to OM's parents unless you can confirm it is the right one. Call first, ask if they have a son named thus-and-such who works at thus-and-such, and if it's the wrong one, just say "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number," and if you hit upon the right one, say "thank you; we're just updating our records," and hang up. And then mail the letter.

DO ALL OF THEM SIMULTANEOUSLY. This is so the illicit couple can't "spin" the affair, or do damage control to other likely exposees once they see the first bomb drop. I was told this REPEATEDLY, and I DIDN'T do it (did mine sequentially, several days to even weeks apart, because I wanted to give my wife every chance to turn back... Think "Hiroshima and Nagasaki"), and I regret not doing them simultaneously.

You want "shock and awe." Besides, if she's going to go [censored] on you (and make NO mistake -- SHE WILL), why not get it all over with at once???

It's pretty good. You don't really need family stuff in there in the work-related letters. What you DO need, though, if appropriate where you live, is a mention that their company may be liable for legal proceedings. It may be something as inocuous as bringing up the company name in a public lawsuit; it may be more, I don't know law. But I DO know that companies are generally more afraid when they are threatened with legal issues than moral ones. The only reason companies hold all that stupid sexual harassment training is that it protects them legally, should anything happen between employees and one sue the other.

I would also add that you will be contacting them within the week to find out their official answer on what they plan to do about it. cc your lawyer, if you have one, so they know you're keeping legal track. If you don't have one, cc your own name so they can see you're sending a copy to yourself. Not terribly threatening legally speaking, but they'll get the message that you're covering all your bases.

And yes, all at once! Within one hour, if you can swing it. Do NOT give her or him ANY time to call someone before you do, to spin their version ('my H is insane, he's depressed, he's bipolar, etc.). Plan well, have it all right in front of you, have all the letters written but not emailed, and just keep hitting send.

NO! Don't do that! She will then pre-empt you.

Howdy Alex! Please take out the word "relationship" above and add the words I prescribed. This is no time to mince words. Call it what it is. A "relationship" is what you have with your momma, this is an ADULTEROUS AFFAIR.


I wouldn't send her a letter


Send the letters to the relatives today.


"Urgent matter with my wife at your company" That would get my attention!

Have your wife's parents been told?

Have the children been informed?

Cc myself
Cc my lawyer too..why not!

I am gonna do all letters/emails same day

I am gonna confront OM at his condo after work the night before...let him stew a bit.

Melody

Alex just forwarded info for me. iPhone has no copy paste!
He will have OM parents letter up later.

Her parents were exposed earlier this year verbally by me. I will send her whole family letters same day as others.

As stated before my kids do know of the A...they don't know anything else...trying to find the correct wording.

I want to wait till after Xmas because Ws family will be at our house....I want their last interaction to be good with me before letters and stuff happen.

Here is Carp's family letter:

It's extremely painful for me to have to tell you this, but it is out of respect for you, and concern for Jennefer, that I asked to talk to you today.

Jennefer is having an affair. It's been going on since _________ . I've struggled with whether or not I should tell you, but the other things I've been trying to get her to end it are not working, and regardless of what happens with our marriage, I'm genuinely concerned for her because this man is a predator. And while I do take responsibility for the issues in our marriage, this, I cannot allow, and I cannot begin to work on CORRECTING those issues as long as there is a third person in the marriage. I've come here today to ask for your support of my marriage, and my family, and to exert whatever influence you feel you can to get Jennefer to end her affair and joing me in some good pro-marriage marriage counseling, and work on repairing our marriage. I'm committed 100% to this, but it cannot work as long as her head is filled with all kinds of endorphines and the rush of an affair, and nor can I allow my family to be disrespected this way anyway.

I am taking a very firm stand on this, and some of my methods may even seem harsh. Please know that I love (your sister/your daughter/whatever) very much, I have forgiven her (and told her so) and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to work on our issues. It's not my intent to shame or embarrass her, but nor will I lie anymore to help her hide her affair.

-Carp


Comments?

Thx

Re-word that: there are lots of things he can do to correct the issues that caused problems in the M (like LB'ing), even while the A is still going on. However, the M cannot be RECOVERED unless the A is ended.

e.g. "And while I do take responsibility for some of the issues in our marriage, issues that I'm taking steps to correct, our marriage cannot be recovered and improved and be fulfilling to both of us as long as there is a third person involved."