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If you send it - do it in public.
A blog? Copying it to their mutual colleagues would make it public very nicely. I like the tone of the email very much. I have a feeling that it falls within the Harley programme. Didn't Dr Harley advise Jon in SAA to send OP a copy (or a version) of the Plan B letter? So far I have one suggestion: where's the bit about her officially delaying taking up her contract in Ireland so that she could stay near WH as long as possible, then abandoning that ploy and moving there immediately you did so, knowing that WH would visit there most weekends and they would be able to meet? As indeed they did the first weekend, when they stayed at the hotel you have mentioned. It might just annoy her employers to know that they were manipulated by a genuine-sounding reason when her affair was the real reason all along. Is there any chance you can find details of her parents and send a copy to them? Have you tried just Googling her name, and reading every entry that comes up? I did this with OW, for whom I only had name/surname and mobile phone number. There flashed up hundreds of entries of people who had exactly the same names as her; the names are very common in her country of origin. However, only one document was needed to link this particular Mrs XY with my WH's job. It showed the same mobile phone number, the home address and home phone number (and the link to his job). I foolishly sat on that document for another two years before contacting her H, but you're not that stupid. Try Google, and read everything that comes up. I'll bet there's something there.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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OW,
I have not contacted you directly since you started your affair with my husband, WH, but I think it is time.
I am not sure if there is a good way to do a bad thing but one thing I am sure of is that you have chosen a bad way to do it. You have shown the most immense disrespect for me and my four children. You arrived in the lab to work with my husband in 2004 when I was pregnant with our fourth child and by your own admission to him afterwards you instantly 'fell in love' with him and 'knew he was the man of your life'. At this time we were a united couple, devoted to our chidren but this didn't stop you. You were a guest in our house home for dinner along with other colleagues and you could see that our marriage was intact but you did your best to seduce him. and Although it took a few years of persistence you eventually succeeded in February of this year while I was away in Ireland with the children. You joined the gym in our small village although you don't live there and started running with my good friends who unwittingly accepted your company. You came to my house home while I was away at a competition with my twins and you spent the afternoon with my husband and other two children. When I discovered your affair in August of this year through an email you sent to my husband, the thing that probably shocked and disturbed me the most in it was your suggestion that you would like to buy a princess outfit for my four year old.
My husband made a decision to stay with me and to try to reconstruct our marriage and sent you two emails asking you to respect his decision and to refrain from contacting him. You, however, were determined to destroy our marriage. You called into his lab on a daily basis, you rang him up to accuse him of 'using you', you threatened to self-destruct your own career, you cried copiously, you begged him for 'just a few kind words to help you get over this', asking for an inch with the intention of getting a mile. I understand from independent conversations on this subject with Colleague 1 and Colleague 2, your ex-colleagues, that you had another, professional reason for wanting to maintain relations with my husband. Apparantly the general opinion in the lab is that your PhD results and subsequent publications are due to WH not because you or your work are respected.
Well, you have succeeded, as my husband, much like an alcoholic, appears unable to resist contact with you no matter what damage that causes to his life. In order to protect myself from the immense mental and physical damage (I lost 9 kilos and had not slept for two months resulting in a disorder in my gall bladder) caused to me by your affair I left my husband at the beginning of November to go to my father's house in Ireland until he makes a firm choice. I also know about both of you staying in the Deer Park Hotel in Howth on one of his visits to see his children but since then I have blocked out all communications and investigations to protect myself. The children are deeply upset now to have been without their father for Christmas. (perhaps clarify - I thought the children saw him Christmas morning???)
I would like you to know that even if you do manage to establish some kind of 'real' relationship temporarily with my husband (I am convinced that any relationship based on such selfishness and damage cannot last) that I would never allow my children to have any dealings with a person as deeply immoral as you. I would not want my daughters to believe that to lie, cheat, deceive and trample over the feelings and lives of others to have one's own selfish desires is ever OK.
I am copying your colleagues in Your Place of Work with this email because I believe that they have a right to know what kind of a person you are and I hope no other woman will ever have to go through what I have gone through as a result of you.
Tully
PS By the way, if you intend to deny any of the facts stated above I am perfectly willing to support them with documentary proof and/or support from witnesses. I'd also incorporate that part of delaying her departure to Ireland as Sugar suggested. As for when to deliver the email, I'd do it now rather than later. It will be a huge blow to the attractiveness of the affair now that OW and WH both know colleagues are looking at them with disgust. If you and H reconcile, he would be mad if you then sent the email and you may never out her for fear of hurting your recovery. Not exposing OW may then eat at you later on. He's going to be mad no matter what if you send it tully. The question you have to ask yourself is if you are REALLY willing to accept him freaking out and giving up an idea of reconciliation should you send the email. As I said before, I just wanted OW out of FWH's life because the thought of her being anywhere near my children repulsed me to no end and I was perfectly willing to endure H's anger and at that moment didn't care if our M ended in divorce. If my FWH left me after I exposed, then our M wasn't worth saving anyway.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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If you need help searching for info on OW I would be more than happy to help.   Also, I hope your sister is doing well. Take care.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Personally, I'd wait until after the holidays, so that the recipients are back at work and likely to read the email as soon as it arrives. (That's assuming that work emails are involved.)
B_R - 'house' tends to be the word we use meaning 'home' over here. 'Home' is more of an American thing. Assuming the email is actually in French, I'm not sure if there's a word other than 'maison'?
TA
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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Thanks for your views everyone. I haven't made a final decision on whether to send it or not but the question you ask, black-raven, is exactly the right one. Thank you for the edits by the way! I am not sure that I am sending this to dismantle the A or if it's just to make sure the OW doesn't get to destroy my family and then skip off to another country where she has no damage done to her life. I suspect this is more of a revenge move but what the heck! The other minor holdback is that it will effectively destroy WH's chances of working there if we do reconcile and if I insist that he joins us rather than us joining him. Happy New Year to all of you! You have been a wonderful support to me and I appreciate your advice, kindness, hugs and shakes when necessary. I hope 2009 is a better year for us all, full of love, joy and contentment. 
Last edited by tully; 12/31/08 07:43 PM.
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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Black-raven, a quick question because I'm curious about how to managed to knock FWH back into shape without resorting to Plan A and B. BTW I think you were dead right and since I've read your post I wonder if I should have been much more direct and demanding from the beginning instead to tolerating the [censored] I put up with at the early stages when he couldn't decide between the two of us. Anyway, just to ask, how long was your H's A going on for before D-day?
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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I'm rooting for you, Tully. I've been following your thread and admire your courage. I think of you often as I stay dark, dark, dark.
Happy New Year's to you and your family. A friend just told me that 2008 was the "Year of the Rat" which is befitting for all WSs. 2009 is the "Year of the Buffalo" which will be OUR year. Buffalo, to me, represents strength, tradition, pride, etc. -- all the values represented by BSs everywhere who are trying to save their marriages and keep their families together. So let's say goodbye to 2008 "the year I hate" and pray (and toast) that 2009 "will be mighty fine" for all BSs struggling to do the right thing.
M 25 yrs, 3 teens
Dday 12/07
5ish False Recoveries (all in 2008)
12/08 WH moves in w/OW, her kids
Plan B/D/FU -- depending on the day
He files 1/09; D final 12/2012
"I'm moving on"
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The post that follows might seem out of place on tully's thread, but I should like to tell the contributors here about something that has changed for me recently. Since I have made most of my MB posts to tully's thread, I think that this place has been responsible for that change.
I first began posting here nearly three years after discovering the Harley articles and after nearly two years of lurking on the forums. During those 2/3 years I read the stories here very carefully and tried (and failed) to work as hard on recovery as people here did. I am not very good at controlling my thoughts and behaviour, but I made some progress with LBs and DJs. At least; I learned to keep my mouth shut and not utter my thoughts out loud. I never really developed a high opinion of my H post-affair. I felt utter contempt for the way he treated me and the children during the affair and for his values, but I think I learned not to show this after a long time. I learned to disguise my feelings and create a marital environment that was peaceful and affectionate and in which, for a year now, there has been no affair talk.
I suppose I must have known instinctively from the beginning that when I tried to help tully, I would get some personal benefit from the process, but I never knew how much that would turn out to be.
Since posting here I have experienced a great improvement in my feelings about my marriage. I would not say that mine is a success story, but while my feelings of contempt for WH and the affair remain, I am able to assign those feelings to the man H was for a long time but does not seem to be now. I'm a long way from feeling confident that he has changed his wayward mentality and that he sees our marriage as a gift to be protected extraordinarily, but I no longer spend some part of every day thinking about when I can leave, counting how many minutes remain until my son turns 18, and plotting just how I will stage my walk away. I was doing that every day in October but I don't do it at all now.
Talking to you all has helped me enormously. I don't really know what participating here has allowed me to see that I didn't see before, but my feelings of hopelessness about my marriage have lifted. Perhaps it's just that I have let go of my martyrdom and started instead to recognise the value what I have. The strange thing is that, although I'm not aware of any difference in my behaviour towards my H, he seems happier and much more adoring of me lately. He is late for work often because he stays to snuggle with me after our son goes to school, and he comes home early in a good mood.
Anyway, that change is due to my friendship with tully and to talking and listening to everyone here, and I am sending you my heartfelt thanks. Happy New Year to everyone!
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Cool!
Happy new year to you.
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Hello Holyheart, it's good to hear from a fellow Plan B'er. I hope you are doing OK. Happy New Year and I hope 2009 is a better year for us both.
Sugar, I'm so glad that things are getting better with you and FWH. I hope they continue on that path and that you find happiness and renewed love together. You have been a true friend in recent months and if I have, indirectly and unknown to me, managed to make things better for you then I'm delighted. No word from WH through the IM or otherwise so I'm starting to lose hope in any chance of reconstruction for us.
Happy New Year, Pepperband.
Thanks for everything and love to you all.
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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Tully:
Send that darn e-mail today. Remember in plan b you are changing yourself and fighting for your marraige. You clearly stated that before, you were passive and let things "go too far" when dealing with WH and OW antics.
This e-mail signifies >sp? a change in your thinking. Hopefully, a positive change that you WILL stand up for yourself and your marriage. It is a lesson for the OW -- as well as your WH.
They have walked over your feelings and desires for years, apparently- what did they think was going to happen? The lioness was going to let herself and her cubs be trampled and say nothing?
Did this woman and your husband really think this A was never going to have consequences? WTF? Except for you and your children? I repeat...W--T--F?
Anyone who starts a workplace affair runs the risk of exposure and carreer issues. Hello... duh!
Let the truth fly- let the chips fall where they may. At least you know you told the truth for the right reasons.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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I forgot to add 
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Basically, a letter like that counts as additional exposure.
Exposure in PB is fine - great even - because you're protected from the wrath of the affairees.
Happy New Year!
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Barbiecat, you may very well be right! I was starting to thing that for a while but then I decided to wait and see what Neak had to say and she says 'bombs away' too. Nice to get run these things by people and get other views before going ahead.
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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I "read around" the site 95% and post very rarely. I am not the greatest typer or spellar!
but once in awhile I do get my dander up. I would print off my and Neak's advice-- keep it handy. When you are talking to WH again- and you doubt yourself- keep and re read your e-mail and this advice.
I mean, seriously, what did they think you were going to do?
I don't think it is against any MB principle that I have found.
On that front, I hope your sis is doing well- would really be a pain to be hurt around the holidays-- does she have a nuke family? I'm sure, with your extended fam she has pleanty of care.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Thanks, barbiecat, for coming out of the shadows for me. I've already read your post several times and I think it sort of crystallised my thinking for me. I'll send the email but I'll wait until next week to send it for maximum impact after everyone is back from the Christmas break. If this is a deal-breaker for him then so be it.
My sister is progressing well. She's only 21 and a student but we have a large supportive family so she'll be fine. She'll wear a neck-brace for 6 weeks or so and will have a scar on her forehead but there's no other permanent damage so we were very lucky.
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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Good, since you're not sending it yet, I'll have a chance to reread it more slowly in the next day or two and see if anything else occurs to me to suggest. As you know, I am much in favor of a single, nuclear contact with an OW. This has the additional benefit of containing superb exposure, as well as challenging her that you have NOT given up on your M, and are only waiting until she fails. No matter how she responds, no matter how WH responds, I am getting my .02 in ahead of time, to stay 100% dark. Any communication after this is just ennabling drama. I was very unfortunate to have needed contact for a while to clear up business matters, since AJ had borrowed all kinds of $ from her, but she used nearly every occasion to try and sabotage our recovery. When it kept getting worse, my dear friends here encouraged me to go ahead and go NC myself, even though the personal $ wasn't paid back yet. So I sent her an NC letter from me, outlining the final payments on the personal stuff, and making sure she understood there would be no payments on the business stuff, since the corporation was insolvent. So you can take my word for it after months of being poisoned: OW's are evil, toxic, and shouldn't even be acknowledged a teeny tiny bit, besides the one letter from the BS trumpeting the demise of the affair, and the NC letter when it's time. You may also want to warn your family and the IM right after you send it, so that they are prepared not to pass on anything negative to you in the fallout from this. Workplace exposure is wonderful, and I'm pleased you've found another area to take care of.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I like Pep's idea of a blog, too. That way no one can delete it, and more and more people can come to look. Then email them all the link.  Here is the letter with a few minor suggested changes. OW,
I have not contacted you directly since you started your affair with my husband, WH, but now that I have taken a firm stand for our marriage, it is time.
You have shown the most immense disrespect for me and my four small children. You arrived in the lab to work with my husband in 2004, when I was pregnant with our fourth child. By your own admission to him afterwards, you instantly 'fell in love' with him and 'knew he was the man of your life'.
At this time we were a united couple, and both devoted to our chidren, but this didn't stop you. You were even a guest in our house for dinner, along with other colleagues. You could see that our marriage was intact, but you did your best to seduce him. Although it took a few years of persistence, you eventually succeeded in February of this year, while I was away in Ireland with the children.
You joined the gym in our small village although you don't live there. You started running with my good friends, who unwittingly accepted your company. You came to my house while I was away at a competition with my twins, and spent the afternoon playing house with my husband and other two children.
When I discovered your affair in August of this year through an email you sent to my husband, the thing that probably shocked me the most in it, was your suggestion that you would like to buy a princess outfit for my four year old. Our four year old.
I don't want to under-emphasize my husband's choices in this, but he did make a decision to stay with me, and to try to reconstruct our marriage. He even sent you two emails, asking you to respect his decision, and to refrain from contacting him.
You, however, were determined to destroy our marriage. You called into his lab on a daily basis, you rang him up to accuse him of 'using you', you threatened to self-destruct your own career, you cried copiously, you begged him for 'just a few kind words to help you get over this', asking for an inch with the intention of getting a mile.
Further,I understand from independent conversations on this subject with Colleague 1 and Colleague 2, your ex-colleagues, that you had another, professional reason for wanting to maintain relations with my husband. Apparently the general opinion in the lab is that your PhD results and subsequent publications are primarily due to WH.
Well, you may think you have succeeded, since my husband, much like an alcoholic, appears unable - for now - to resist contact with you, no matter what damage that causes to his life. In order to protect myself from the immense mental and physical damage (I lost 9 kilos and had not slept for two months, resulting in a disorder in my gall bladder) caused to me by your affair, I left my husband at the beginning of November to go to my father's house in Ireland until he is willing to choose his family instead of you.
You might also be interested to know that I am aware of both of you staying in the Deer Park Hotel in Howth on one of his visits to see his children. That is just one example out of many that I could give you, of your continuing adulterous affair with my husband. The children are deeply upset now to be without their father for Christmas.
I would like you to know that I have not given up on my marriage. Your adulterous relationship, based on such selfishness and pain inflicted on others, cannot last. When my husband's adultery with you has ended, and he returns to our marriage, we'll be better than ever together. He and I will grow old with each other, and you will be only a distant memory.
In the meantime, know that I would never allow my precious children to have any dealings with a person as deeply immoral as you. I would not want my daughters brought up to believe that to lie, cheat, deceive, and trample over the feelings and lives of others, including innocent children, simply to gratify your own selfish lusts, is ever acceptable.
I am copying your colleagues in Your Place of Work with this email, because I believe they have a right to know what kind of person you are. I hope no other woman in your office will ever have to go through what I have as a result of you. And may all the married men beware.
Very sincerely,
Tully
PS If you choose to deny any of the facts stated above, I am perfectly willing to support them with documentary proof and/or support from witnesses. I will gladly share this evidence with any of your colleagues who make an inquiry.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Can I just add that you might want to take out the named references to the colleagues who told you that OW's abilities aren't that great?
Unless they told you that they were willing to go on the record about it, they may have regarded that information as a private confidence. You don't want to alienate your allies, or get them sued.
TA
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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I'll mull over this a bit more over the weekend. Thanks for the edits, Neak. It was good to include a specific reference to the fact that I will want to preserve my marriage. And I will definitely warn family and mediator that I want them to provide a total screen with regard to his reactions.
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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