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Always listen to Star*fish!

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Does it matter whether my OM Letter goes BEFORE OR AFTER my wife's NC Letter?

Also, if I send a copy to his parents. Would that put me at legal risk?

Last edited by Kingrat; 01/13/09 10:32 AM.

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

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Originally Posted by star*fish
Kingrat,

There's nothing to be scared of....just use common sense in your letter and do not threaten (or imply threats)....and you'll be fine. Statements and requests are not against the law.....threats are another story. Also, limit your request....multiple mailings could be construed as harassment or stalking....again common sense. Something along these lines:

OM,

I'm aware of the inappropriate contact and relationship you're having with my wife. Adultery may no longer be "legally" criminal in most states, but it is still a crime, and a tragedy, for marriages and families. This includes mine. It is also a breach of ethics, and shows a complete lack of character and integrity. Please cease all contact with my wife.

Sincerely,
King

Hey Starfish!

I'm not sure the word "adultery" is appropriate yet, but I do think he should try to scare the OM off.

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The notes that have described the sexual points of contact are relevant. Do keep a copy of the old card that your wife has discarded. Can you say that you own this now.

Remember that to deal with a lawyer is no harm providing that the information is accurate. He can stymie his own company in this exchange.

Keep a call with Mrs Wondering. I think that she may advise appropriately providing that the letter is completely written.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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I was getting that OM is a lawyer, am I confused?


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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kingrat,

"Could" it get you in trouble if you write his parents? Well depends on what you call "in trouble". The kaka will hit the oscillator....that's for sure, but if you mean sued or arrested.....well anybody can sue whether they have grounds or not (and he won't if you're not threatening or harrassing). But he can't have you arrested for just informing his parents of the truth....that their "son is chasing a married woman, and you'd appreciate any influence they may have to encourage him to do the right thing."

Hi MikeC2! Does "sexual relations outside of marriage" (adultery) include cybersex? Probably not for many people (and certainly not legally)....which is why I tried to remove it from the "legal" discussion and talk about the ethics. It's strong language though....so maybe with king's level of worry....he'd do well to replace it with "infidelity" which can definitely be used to include everything. Good point and nice to see you.

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Originally Posted by star*fish
Hi MikeC2! Does "sexual relations outside of marriage" (adultery) include cybersex?

It depends what the definition of "is' is :-)

I think I would say something like "inappropriate communications"...

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Should you expose? It's hard to say without a timeline. They had a relationship many years ago and she was disappointed a decade ago when she learned he was to be married.

But when were the sexually explicit chats and flirtatious Facebook conversations? If they were before you were married, no harm no foul. If they were 2 years ago and are no longer ongoing, exposure is not appropriate.

Exposure is to end an active affair. When did their affair end? From what I can tell it ended in November when you confronted her, and he tried contact once but she did not respond. To be honest, I don't see the point of exposure at all. She declined getting a Skype account, she declined dining with him when he was in town, she didn't respond to his text. Why would you expose?

You may want to ask your W to write a no contact letter that you review and approve, and that you mail.

You might also ask your wife to block him from her Facebook account, put an auto-delete rule in her email so she never sees emails from him, and to change her cellphone number or switch phones with you. Brainstorm with your wife on ways to enforce no contact (for life!).

Is this possibly just a sexual escalation in the “friendship” due to my inability to meet her needs?
What did your wife say when you asked her if it was a sexual escalation in the "friendship"?

If it was, it was NOT due to your inability to meet her needs. It was due to her poor boundaries and failure to protect the marriage. You may not have been meeting her needs, but for that she needs to talk to you and let you know what's going on and how she's feeling. Flirting with a person other than your spouse is never okay, and the reason is NOT unmet needs, it's a failure to protect the marriage and enforce boundaries.

Is it possible that I’m making a big deal out of something that is not?
I think you're making a big deal out of the wrong things. You need to be making a big deal out of the lack of openness and honesty in your relationship, and of her failure to protect the marriage. You don't need to be making a big deal of OM's futile attempts to get your WW re-engaged other than to send a NC letter and work with your wife to protect herself from further contact.


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Quote
It depends what the definition of "is' is :-)

ROFL

Quote
I think I would say something like "inappropriate communications"...

I dunno....I think that's going too far in the other direction maybe. It diminishes the invasiveness....seems too safe (of a description) to be taken seriously by others. People will read "flirt" and not "cybersex/phonesex" which isn't as easily dismissed.

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While you shouldn't be afraid of exposing....turtlehead is right....exposure is for ACTIVE affairs and this one appears to be over. Nothing since November, right? If contact resumes....then document and expose.

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Originally Posted by turtlehead
What did your wife say when you asked her if it was a sexual escalation in the "friendship"?
Thanks for your message turtlehead. My wife said a few things:

- She acknowledged flirting with him. I call it sexual escalation based on what I know of the dialogs.
- When she was crying she said: He made me feel pretty.
- When she got angry she said: You didn't touch me in months !!!
- At some point she said that she started to feel fat, old (???) and ugly. And she didn't like her life.

Last edited by Kingrat; 01/14/09 03:22 PM.

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

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Dude, that stuff she told you is pure gold. She is craving attention. You need to compliment her all the time on how gorgeous she is to you. Don't make empty compliments, but tell her how bouncy and healthy her hair is, or how it's so shiny it glitters in the sunlight. Close your eyes and breathe deeply against her neck and tell her how wonderful she smells. Pay attention to her - actively pay attention - and compliment her on things you find attractive about her.

Don't make stuff up because she'll smell that a mile away.

Send her some flowers "just because". Take her out somewhere nice and tell her it's because you love being seen with her and you enjoy showing her off.

Make her feel like a princess.

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Not sure I'd expose to OM family unless NC is broken. But I do like star*fish's letter.

How about if you add:

OM,

I'm aware of the inappropriate contact and relationship you're having with my wife. Adultery may no longer be "legally" criminal in most states, but it is still a crime, and a tragedy, for marriages and families. This includes mine. It is also a breach of ethics, and shows a complete lack of character and integrity. You might find cyber-sex with married women funny, I don't. I wonder if your colleagues would find the humor in all this as you do. Don't EVER contact my wife again.

Sincerely,
King


Let him [censored] a brick.




BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Thanks Turtlehead... I've been doing all that. I've been doing heavy plan A since Nov-15. I'm a new person. Even people at work tell me I look different.

The truth is that I do love her so doing all that does is not difficult at all.

She took the OM out of her facebook, out of her linkedIn, deleted from her yahoo contacts, changed her cell phone, and writted NC Letter (not sent yet). I guess this are signals that she seriously wants him out of her life.

I'm just waiting to agree and send the NC Letter. Send my own OM Letter to put this OM out of the picture. I feel all that needs to happen to move forward.


Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt
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Can you write a copy of her NC letter for us to view?


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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