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Hi jayne!

The OW was confrontational when she began to get very possessive of him and she was afraid he was cheating on her because he could not be at her side whenever she called. She was not afraid of it being me, sadly.

I insisted that my WH be tested for STD's. He tested neg thankfully to everything they tested him for and that was almost everything except for one and I got it from him. Thankfully it took no more than 3 weeks of nasty meds that made me throw up every day but it did the trick and that is over. No other women he says and he knows he is very close to getting his polygraph so I think that is probably truthful but we will see.

He has promised in his thread not to look in here at mine. Now there is no way of really knowing but he is getting some very good help and I think he wants to do this right. I just have to hang in there for a little longer, don't know if I can but I am trying.

Hey, Mike kicked my WH's a** until he broke. When I saw what was going on all I had to do was wait and he broke. Mike has been very kind to me so far and I do not feel he has been a misogynist at all. Besides that, I like his sense of humor and I need that right now when it gets testy.

Good idea. I do have a very good friend who would do this for me. I hate to have him look at the disgusting pictures my husband sent and received but I guess that is part of the deal. I will inform him of that likelihood when the time comes, if it does. Thanks for that suggestion.


BW-me-56
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2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
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D Days continued for a while.

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She is holding those over his head and over mine as well.

How did she communicate this?

Originally Posted by sadsosad
And
Question. What do I do if they come to me? I don't know if the info in them would be helpful or if it would just kill me. Just asking because I see this in my future.

Speaking as someone who has a harrassment charge against him, lol, consider a harrassment charge or a restraining order.

The wh0re is not going away from her sugar daddy and she thinks she has leverage. Nip it in the bud. Talk to an attorney or the cops or both. Actually, have GM do it. Penance.

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Mike, I am still reeling over your answer on another thread. Something about the crosstown bus driver?

The levity is appreciated and much needed.


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

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Again to Mike (man you post quickly!)

She sent an email entitled "Things you should know before others have to." In it were the threats. We called the sheriff and they went to her house and told her to lay off and never contact us again. Since she has a court case pending we thought that would be the end of it since she does not want to be in jail. We then met with a friend of ours, someone we are both close to who happens to be an attorney with quite a rep around here for being a bull dog and not losing very often. He called her while we were sitting there, put her on speaker phone and she had the guts to argue with him. Then she called him back and told him that he did not scare her and she would do whatever she wanted to do (all of this with added expletives that I do not think would be appreciated here). She is supposed to go through him if she has anything to say.

Anything else that needs to be done is being thrown into his lap. He has to do this. I carried a marriage all alone for 26 years with an a** for a husband when he actually cared to communicate with me. This is up to him. I will do my part but not until he has done what he needs to do to make me feel safe. Yup, it is his ball game to play and mine to watch and hopefully clap at his skill.


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

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Originally Posted by sadsosad
Again to Mike (man you post quickly!)

She sent an email entitled "Things you should know before others have to." In it were the threats. We called the sheriff and they went to her house and told her to lay off and never contact us again. Since she has a court case pending we thought that would be the end of it since she does not want to be in jail. We then met with a friend of ours, someone we are both close to who happens to be an attorney with quite a rep around here for being a bull dog and not losing very often. He called her while we were sitting there, put her on speaker phone and she had the guts to argue with him. Then she called him back and told him that he did not scare her and she would do whatever she wanted to do (all of this with added expletives that I do not think would be appreciated here). She is supposed to go through him if she has anything to say.

All smart! Well played.

Look, the reality is, she is nuts and threatening exposure, and she will have that stuff the rest of your lives even if you spook her back now. You might very well be better handling exposure to whoever her leverage targets are yourself. Leave her swinging at air.

I was fortunate in that my W's OM was married and as ashamed as my WW was, so nobody wanted it out. During D-day, *I* was the one with emails and records holding over his head, and Wayward Witch was off sobbing in a Comfort Inn.

It is considerable leverage. You can attack it legally, but it will always be there.

Quote
Anything else that needs to be done is being thrown into his lap. He has to do this. I carried a marriage all alone for 26 years with an a** for a husband when he actually cared to communicate with me. This is up to him. I will do my part but not until he has done what he needs to do to make me feel safe. Yup, it is his ball game to play and mine to watch and hopefully clap at his skill.

Make GM be the front man, but it is your ballgame. Don't trust him to handle the OW (sorry GM, protecting you from yourself).



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Originally Posted by sadsosad
Again to Mike (man you post quickly!)

She sent an email entitled "Things you should know before others have to." In it were the threats. We called the sheriff and they went to her house and told her to lay off and never contact us again. Since she has a court case pending we thought that would be the end of it since she does not want to be in jail. We then met with a friend of ours, someone we are both close to who happens to be an attorney with quite a rep around here for being a bull dog and not losing very often. He called her while we were sitting there, put her on speaker phone and she had the guts to argue with him. Then she called him back and told him that he did not scare her and she would do whatever she wanted to do (all of this with added expletives that I do not think would be appreciated here). She is supposed to go through him if she has anything to say.

Anything else that needs to be done is being thrown into his lap. He has to do this. I carried a marriage all alone for 26 years with an a** for a husband when he actually cared to communicate with me. This is up to him. I will do my part but not until he has done what he needs to do to make me feel safe. Yup, it is his ball game to play and mine to watch and hopefully clap at his skill.


The best defense is a good offense. If you are going to try to R, you and H would do well to expose this affair TOGETHER, to your family and whoever else will need to know. You do not need to live with the Sword of Damocles hanging over your head. Get the nasty stuff out there (within reason) and you will really weaken the OW's artillery of weapons.

She sounds like a vengeful nutcase. How tragic that your H invited her into your life.

Adultery truly stinks!

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Melody

I just sent a request for a phone conference. I am certain there will be more than one. We should be set up pretty nicely by the time we go to the weekend in March to get a lot done.

Thanks again to you and everyone else. This painful time is much easier now that I have direction that actually accomplishes something and the support of people who have been there. (((hugs)))


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

Started real recovery 07/15/10
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How are you doing, ssd? You must be on a roller coaster of emotions, yet you sound so sane and so good. You must be a woman of great strength.


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I have certainly had enough in life to make me strong, this is just the next one. I am a magnet for tragedy, mine and others, so yes I am very strong but not necessarily sane. Good? Well you will have to ask others smile. Thanks, all the boosting is helpful.

Yesterday sucked with new revelations. Not only did they hurt it was apparent once again that my H is still ready to sacrifice the truth to save his own skin even if it means rolling over me. That is the problem in a nutshell I think. He has spent his life thinking only of himself and his immediate gratification and I was the only person in his life to ever call him on his bull****. I am also incredibly stubborn and if I made a commitment I am going to stick to it no matter how painful it is. I used to think this was a virtue, now no longer, this was stupid. It certainly set us up for this scenario.

It is horrible then tolerable then I blow up then I cry then I do something constructive, like set up counseling with the center this AM. We have the first on Thursday AM. I am excited to start because it will make me feel better just knowing we did it.

You are very kind. How are you doing?


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

Started real recovery 07/15/10
Joined: Jan 2009
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Thank you, we have started that but not as extensively as I see suggested here so we have more to expose this to.

H is writing a final, formal NC letter to her today and will post it after he writes it then I get to say what I need in it. In it he is going to tell her that there is nobody who does not already know to be looking for these things in their email. Hopefully that will pull the wind from her sails.

My thought to her? Honey, you have no power here. Leave before someone drops a house on you too. (too much?)

Maybe you have to live in Kansas to get that?

I did tell her once that she meant very little in our lives. That if we ended up not making it it would not be because of her but because of the problems my H has that makes it impossible to live with him. I don't think she liked it because after that she gave me a pet name smile.


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

Started real recovery 07/15/10
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,510
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Originally Posted by sadsosad
I did tell her once that she meant very little in our lives. That if we ended up not making it it would not be because of her but because of the problems my H has that makes it impossible to live with him.

I wouldn't give her encouragement that there is trouble in your reconciliation. Probably just cause her to throw more stones and try to cause problems.

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It is horrible then tolerable then I blow up then I cry then I do something constructive, like set up counseling with the center this AM. We have the first on Thursday AM. I am excited to start because it will make me feel better just knowing we did it.
All quite normal which is why we call it a rollercoaster. You are doing some very productive things which should give you some feeling of control over your life. Not to excuse your WH for lying but it too is (unfortunately) quite normal for them to hold back information. You will find once you get through the whole truth (I hope) that he will have some things he cannot remember. I think our minds protect ourselves from the horror of what we have done by pushing memories out of our minds. Do not let him off the hook though. I like the fact that you did a timeline. Not only will it help him remember but it helps YOU to know what was going on in your life then. It helps to know you were not crazy when you picked up on something wrong or "off". It also helps to keep him honest because YOU will pick up on inconsistancies.


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That is true Mike and thanks. I figured since she knew what a horrible person I was anyway that it did not matter. She told him that he would be back because I was not a nice person like he is and that he would need a nice person again. **rolling eyes** My ears should have been burnt off by now but then I guess a hooker is kinda like a bartender? Oh yes I forgot, she gave up hooking for him so they could be faithful to one another **my eyes are going to roll right out of my head before long**

Edit: I should probably drop the sarcasm

Last edited by sadsosad; 01/19/09 10:11 AM.

BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

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SSS, we have a smiley for that! :RollieEyes:


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Well so you do!

Thanks! faint


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

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I feel the need to clarify a few things since so many are posting between my threads and my WH's.

I am not and never have been controlled by this man or anyone. I have and can stand toe to toe with the biggest bully and not back down, I learned that lesson very early in life. I can listen and I can compromise or back down if I see merit in that but I do not back down when I know something is right checked by a strong moral code that is not originally mine smile .

He posts here and I am glad he does. We are together almost all the time now that he no longer has 2 or 3 meetings a day :RollieEyes: Because of this we have done nothing but discuss this for the last almost 4 months because no matter how much he wants to just forget it I can not as you all well know. There is nothing here I have not said or would not say to his face. Nobody knows his BS better than I do and I have always called him on it. Trouble was he was quick to call me childish or other things rather than listen or change. Here you all call him out on the same things that I have been calling him out on for years and now he has to listen because he is caught between us. It is also helpful for both of us because you all bring up things we have not thought of. Mostly it helps me to bring up questions I did not know I needed to ask but by asking them I grow. I may not feel better but I grow in understanding of the situation. This is the purpose of this place isn't it?

He was correct when he stated our problems began when I would not "obey". This need of his did not come about until after we were married (about 4 hours after actually). I was stunned to say the least. I took each step one by one and when he could not be reasonable I stopped even trying. It was never good enough anyway so why bother with it smile . One by one I dropped things and began to fill my own life up with things I loved and then filled it with only the kids because who needs more than that? They were/are wonderful. They saved my soul from the soul eating H because they gave my love back 10 fold. I do not accept responsibility for WH's reprehensible behavior and his A's were his alone. I do admit that I did not create a great environment for us but then one can't really do that for long when they are doing it alone. If this is not compatible with the lessons here I will learn that and accept my part in this, I have no problem with that. I guess I want to say that I am not perfect but do not accept responsibility for having to be here dealing with his infidelity.

IF I need to have conversations that he should not see I will use the feature to privately talk with people if they are willing. For now I am content to have us both here, it feels much better to know you are calling him out when he needs it and will call me out if I need it and we both see it and understand it. It is a partnership even in this situation isn't it?

Yes, I probably look stupid to many for even trying but I have been with WH for 30 years total, married for almost 27 now. There have been some wonderful times and there is no one I have ever felt so comfortable with or so compatible with when things are good. It is just that those good times were far apart but kept me with him (always hopeful) and I want to see if I can have them back all the time now. If not then I will be gone, he knows that. I am not afraid to be on my own, actually I am not afraid of anything anymore.

So, I will listen if you all think this is bad but I may not change my mind stickout. And now I will close this overly verbose post. See, if nothing else WH and I can out talk each other!

Just call me, Still Stubborn After All These Years



BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

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IF I need to have conversations that he should not see I will use the feature to privately talk with people if they are willing.

Just so you know before you actually need it and can't use it, the PM feature has been disabled here on the MB forums. Too tempting for members of the opposite sex in fragile states to get too closely involved, supporting each other and leading to more inappropriate things... That's why everything is kept in the open, and secrecy is discouraged.

You can take things to email if you like, which bypasses the PM feature, but it's just a little bit harder and we can see when folks are exchanging emails. Generally when we see two needy people of the opposite sex exchange emails, we try to persuade them to keep everything above-board and on-the-board. smile Support from people of the same gender is fine.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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He did the timeline himself and it was helpful but boy was it painful. I thought I was going to die all over again having to listen to 6 years of his sex life, feelings of love and the years he was her husband in a way he never was mine. Seriously, he never husbanded me but he did her in a way far better than I would have ever even expected him to. It sucks so much that he could not/would not treat me that way, not even close. I was property, she was his life. He paid her well for it I suppose but that still makes little difference to me.


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

Started real recovery 07/15/10
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Wow, thanks. That makes perfect sense.

I am fine without doing this. I do not believe my being secretive would be any more productive than his secrecy over the years. It is a big destroyer IMO. I could see the use if we had been here earlier and had used the plans but we were beyond that (I think) by the time I found this wonderful place.


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

Started real recovery 07/15/10
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Ok. I'm going to withdraw, sounds like you guys are communicating one on one.

sorry if I was obnoxious to GM :-)

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