kip sorry to see you going thru this. man o man i could have and probably did write your posts word for word 8 years back.

i say go ahead and scream. i broke the winshield in my truck one day on the way to work. cost me $200 to fix but it sure felt good. so i say scream if you want. it's cheaper.

my w said exactly the same things and did and carried on exactly as yours is doing now.

at first i tried the same things you are doing. telling her that it isn't right and she replied the same as your w, your driving me away.

we saw a counselor who told me to back off. i guess he believed her lies. well i did and within a week she went from an EA to a PA.

this is really hard but you need to set your boundaries, FIRM. Then EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. then make it very clear that although you love her deeply that you want no part of her around while she is walking outside those boundaries.

she has to realize that she will loose you completely if she continues her wayward ways.

HOPEFULLY that is not the case

Originally Posted by shattered dreams

Sorry to hear of your woes.

Save your money on the marriage counseling, as active Waywards do nothing but lie.

If the OM is the Chief of Police, then exposure is critical.

Hire a PI with the money you save on MC and get a video and all the other info the PI gathers and present it to the city council.

The pressure that will put on the OM will most likely stop the A cold in its tracks.

You can't sit by and hope for better days ahead without taking some action to make those better days a reality.

Ready to roll up your sleeves?

----------------------------------

Hang on a minute, the gentleman stating "hire a PD" meant a Private Dective the same as a PI and not a member of the Police Department. Becareful to READ what you are reading and how you respond to what you read.

gkp

I think you need to take your own advice, gkp.

No one has mistaken PD for PI. You confused me with YOUR post so I had to go back and read everything again.

Kip,

Just hang in there! It is extremely hard to sit back and wait for confirmation and then go through the pain of hearing and/or reading what they are saying. But you can do it. Just stay calm. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Take care,

Charlotte

well, I'm sorry the advice and the response still seem confused and of course it could still just be me.

I guess the confusion was that you couldn't hire anyone because they wouldn't work on the case involving the COP?

Regardless, Kip hire a PI/PD anyhow, no matter who it is. If the OM is the Chief of Police, being exposed is his problem.

--------------------------

I was lucky, if you will, that my BS was able to get catch me and not once, but twice with the same jerk.

See, I married to an angel who I put through absolute hell. We were both already headed there, I just had lead weights on--even he says so.

With all hard work, determination, skills learned from sites like this and books recommended, and the suppot of groups like this, we have been able to become that intertwined, cleaved-together couple we were years and years ago.

Use the tools, get your proof and prove it to her. She needs to see you've got it in black and white.

She WILL use everything in the world to deny your proof; she will amaze you with her denial.

If/when she settles down and is willing to come out of the fog (which will include some depression and you'll worry about where and when she'll come out of the fog), she has some decisions to make and so do you.

If you are able to reconcile your marriage, know this:

you have the right to never forget,
but you have the ability to forgive.

It's been 4 years for us and my H will get a twinge now and again, but he says they get fewer and farther apart and easier to move away from.

Me? I will never forget--forget what I did to him.

My best hope for you is that you can be each others' angels and lift each other up into a marriage that was better than it ever was before.

I am one of the lucky ones and I thank God for it everyday. My BS didn't even have to let me in the house the day he found out. He didn't have to speak to me again. He chose to know why, learn, and beat the odds with me at his side.

It's up to the two of you, good luck.

Hire a P.I.
Because of what & who he was prior to becoming the chief hinders this. I can't say what or who he was if fear of it coming around back to him from this board. Guess I should have registered with a different name.

I did speak to the wife again about the calls. I had spoke to her about the cell phone, and all the calls. He stopped calling the cell. But he did call her to tell her Merry X-Mass. and she said that is what those calls were and she had told me about them. I asked her why she would get angry about it when ever I would ask. She said that I have been chomping on her non stop, and there was nothing going on. She was just being friendly. That is how she is, just a friend. She likes to talk, you see she was raised by grand parents, and prefers the company of older people. She has been this way all our marriage, this is true. So I told her about his games, and that the facts were facts and looks like he wanted more than friendship. the way he would never call when I was home, just when I was away. She said she sees that and will not make any effort to talk to him but, being he is who he is, she wasn't going to call and raise hell. I believe her. She said she was sorry for all this and just wants it to be over but she doesn't want me to give her the third degree. I guess I understand but, I just have to know. I will continue to keep my eyes open and my ear to the ground on this. But I actually think it is all in my head now. Only time will tell. She just doesn't want any trouble. She knows how I can be. I am no small person, but I am not over weight either and I will not back down from whipping his [censored], and that would get me in a lot of trouble. She wants to avoid this.

So I just keep praying.

Thanks for the advise.

Kip

i sure hope she is right in her saying it is over. i would hate to see/hear thisthing got out of hand and went to an a$$ whipping. even tho he may deserve one.

many years ago (mid 70's) i was an om to an exgf who married a cop. when he went to work at night, i would stop by.

while talking with my dad i told him what was going on. his advice was that i had better think twice about continueing that practice. what happens should that cop stop home one night and catch me in his house.

the best case scenerio was i get the he!! beat out of me and the worst case was i got SHOT as a burglar and/or rapist.

well i had never thought THAT far ahead. needless to say that thought ended my stupidity.

the moral is that even tho you are a good size fellow, he being the police chief means he wears a gun. be VERY careful.


QUOTE *******Because of what & who he was prior to becoming the chief hinders this. I can't say what or who he was if fear of it coming around back to him from this board. Guess I should have registered with a different name.*********

so are you saying this person is a member of MB?

i don't care who or what he is. i see nothing wrong with outing this EA

maybe i am missing something here but that would be even more cause for exposure in my book. the people i know on this board would certainly 2x4 him upside the head.

and you know the pen is truly mightier then the sword.

QUOTE ******So I told her about his games, and that the facts were facts and looks like he wanted more than friendship. the way he would never call when I was home, just when I was away.*******

hopefully this works and she really gets it.

i found that even tho i explained those same things to my w about her exom it still drove her closer to him.

since you have explained your position and concerns to her it is up to her now to recognize what she is doing to your relationship.

your job is to become the interesting, mystical, man that first attracted her to you again. and make certain she knows your boundaries and if they are broken she riskd loosing a huge part of her life

QUOTE *******She said she sees that and will not make any effort to talk to him but, being he is who he is, she wasn't going to call and raise hell.***********

If she "sees that" then there is no need to "raise hell". she (the 2 of you) simply and quietly sends him a NO CONTACT letter. it is short and to the point. that since her marriage needs some repairing. she wishes no further contact with him. end of story.

QUOTE******* But I actually think it is all in my head now.*****

this may be true. BUT, IMHO that is just what a ws wants you to believe. "trust me, i know what i'm doing, we're just friends". it called "denial".

i say trust your gut instinct.

wishing you luck with your w's awakening

Well, I just hope its all in my head.
Even thou she has stepped over the line here on a few things.

When I return home I will have been gone for 14 days. I have a recorder on the phone line that catches all caller ID's received and dialed, along with all the audio. If there is something happening I am sure I will find it there. If I find nothing, well I guess it was in my head after all. Just hope the 250GB doesn't fill up before I get home.

I hope to find nothing, but if I do the world will know about it.
Also, i will run the recorder again when I come back to work next month just to be sure.

God Bless,
Kip

Let us know.

If I find something I will let the WORLD know.

But if I find nothing I will feel about an inch tall.

But I just have to know....

February 14, Valentines Day I will be married for 18 years.
I want to do something special with my wife. I want to go dancing. She loves to dance more than anyone else I know. SO I said to her last night on the phone. Lets go dancing. Flat out refuses to go.
I'm like why in the world not? This is all bull crap. I am so fed up with everything, I just wanna fly away, never to return.
She has always done this kinda thing, or change her mind at the last minute. She says it just another day to her. To me this is the best day of the year. We don't ever get to do anything alone and it doesn't look like she actually wants to.
Be good,
kip

She's having an affair.
You can choose to divorce her or you can start working the Harley plans. Which will it be? It is totally up to you and nobody here would fault you for divorcing her; we all know how hard it is to recover a marriage. We also know there are no guarantees. Generally speaking, if you have children, it's recommended that you try to recover.

So, which will it be?
When you decide, then we can help you IF you follow the advice presented here. I haven't seen any evidence that you're able/willing to do so. Please prove me wrong.

Kip,

We know the staggering pain an A brings into your life. We have lived every excruciating, roller coaster ride moment of it.

You seem to be in denial, totally not buying into what we are telling you here. In the state of shock and disbelief you are in it's easy to let fear override your ability to act.

If you have some ghosts in your closet in your "previous" friendship with this PD Chief which would spill out and wreak havoc upon disclosure, you'd better prepare to face them. Total exposure is the very best weapon you have in bringing this affair to a screeching halt.

With your 2 week working schedule, that will be the ideal time to have the PI tail your W and get irrefutable evidence of the A. I spent thousands of dollars on Marriage Counseling while my W was active in her affair and it was a TOTAL WASTE OF MONEY. Their addiction to the OM is so strong few counselors can peel away the fog.

Please gather yourself and begin making decisions with your head and not with your heart. To win this battle you have to be proactive, not reactive.

Hire the PI to get the scoop while you are on your next work assignment, then let us guide you through exposure and the wrath that will follow.

Best wishes,
SD

I really do want it to work.
At this point I don't care if she is in an A. Just want the nightmare to be over I want to wake up! But she makes it so hard. I send her a very sweet text from my phone and she answers "Did you get your check yet"¿ Why cant she just answer the text with a little love¿ This is frustrating.

We have a joint account, I can't hire a PI without her knowing.
The chief I talk about is a 30 year retired detective. He knows everything that goes on, he as very god at what he does and how he does it. I am afraid that hiring a PI will not work.

At this point all I can do is wait to see what the phone recordings show. That is all I have to go on.

I just want my wife back, that's all I want. Everything means nothing. Just my wife thats it. I just can't make it without her, she has always been a physical part of my body. My right hand. My everything in life!!!

Kip,

I gotta tell you ... with the attitude you have that's quoted above ... YOU'RE SCR3WED!!!

... and the worst part is you're scr3wing yourself!!!

Get you head around this fact ... your WW has already LEFT YOU!!! You no longer have a M ... she ended it.

Now if you choose, based on the information you learn, to "ATTEMPT" recovery, then these people can help, but to proclaim that you "can't make it without her" even in the face of her adulterous actions is FOOLISH.

The BH's that get through their WW's infidelity relatively intact, are the ones who view their M's as over, and proceed accordingly. Then if their WW's wake up and start re-engaging in the M, there is hope, but not until you break up the A.

First, you have to recognize and accept the situation for what it is ... then you need to go about breaking up the A ... ONLY then will you even have a glimpse if you have something past that to work on going forward.

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE ... YOUR MARRIAGE, AS YOU KNEW IT, IS OVER!!!

Kip, to put it bluntly: You're not getting it.

If your W IS involved in an A, and it sounds like she is, she no longer has your best interests at heart. If she did, then she wouldn't be involved in an A! She is no longer the person you knew as your W - the body looks the same, but what's going on in her mind is very, very different.

So, while you are "waiting to see what the phone records show", I suggest you also start quietly taking moves to protect yourself. For example, withdrawing half the money from the joint accounts.

I wouldn't be put off by the fact that the OM might be a "30 year retired detective". Hire a PI anyway, and let him know the deal so he can act accordingly. You're spying on your WW, not the OM.

BTW - got a webcam at home? If so, have a look for a free software package called "Eyeline" from NCH software. You can use that free software to turn your webcam into a videocam that's activated by motion-detection, and have it activate at certain times of the day. It's great for finding out what's going on in your home at particular times when you're not around. I'm testing it at home at the moment. Just make sure you've got ample storage space for the video.

Okay, you don't say what was in the "sweet" note you sent but if it talked at all about your marriage or your relationship, you just set yourself back. A wayward does not want to hear relationship talk. It makes them feel guilty (which manifests itself as anger). It makes them feel trapped, cornered, controlled, and manipulated. So NO NO NO relationship talk!!!

On the other hand, if the sweet note said something about what a great Mom she is, or how wonderful dinner was last night, or how you really like her new haircut, then that could be a good thing IF admiration is one of her top ENs.

Right now your tasks are:
1. Expose the affair WITHOUT warning WW that you're going to do that
2. Eliminate LBs
3. Meet her top ENs

I know it hurts to be where you are. I KNOW it does. You cannot react out of pain or fear, you have to react methodically and with a plan and a goal. You cannot run in circles trying to figure out how to make your wife do this or that, you can only control yourself and your job now is to attract her back to the M.

When and to whom are you going to expose?
What are her top ENs and how are you meeting them?
What LBs are you guilty of, and which are the hardest for you to eliminate?

Well said. I do understand.
This will be the toughest thing in my life.
I just keep thinking. I make 100k+ a year, give her everything she wants and needs. Been there fro her on everything. Does everything she ask before she ask. What in the world did I do wrong? She doesn't work, could if she wanted but didn't want to. I have never heard a complaint about anything that I was or was not doing. I have been her best friend through our marriage. We hardly never argued. I just don't get it.

But what you say is correct, I need to get me straight before I try and do anything else.

Just don't know how I am going to get threw this, alone. I have no friends to talk to.

Polygraph her. She has nothing of you that she is interested in right now.

Divest you income immediately.

Do something that will change this lack of effort emotion.

Yea, I can see that going well.
She is so defensive and angry. She actually cried on shoulder the other day before I left for work. Asked her why she was crying? She said because I was leaving for work. She never cried before, but would not look me in the eyes either. Not like her, not in any way.
Just makes me more suspicious.



Thanks for the support. I have no friends, only my wife and therefore have no one to talk to except this group here.
Thanks and God Bless to all.

Kip,
Her A is not about YOU. It's ALL ABOUT HER. There's something missing...lacking. She didn't really go looking for an A. It just happened and now she's in it deep and doesn't want it to end. And the OM could have been anybody, but he just happened to be the one that started to meet a need of hers. Once that started the more intimate needs also started to get met. It's a slippery slope.

By the way you post it sounds like you would prefer this to end and never be brought up again. However if that happens, another A is likely to happen. You cannot just settle even if she returns to your M. You have to get to the source of the problem, both hers and in the M.

But the first step is busting up THIS A.

Have you read the first post on this page by Longhorn? It'll help.