Married for 17 years.
I feel my she is cheating, have some evidence.
She denies everything and says I am pushing her away when I ask her. All she does is get angry. No emotions from her.
What do I do?
I dont know where to turn anymore.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. The starting point is Plan A where you show her what a great husband you could be, with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements.

It also includes snooping to find out what is going on, and exposure of the affair when you have proof.

Its not that easy knowing what I know.
I ask her and she lies to my face. I ask her if she talked to him, she says no. I look on the caller ID and there is it. Multiple calls. I didnt say anything then. Few days later its eating on me, i ask and she doesnt answer, gets angry and says im pushing her away.
Was a mutual friend but would only call or come by while I was away at work. I work in the Gulf of Mexico on an oil rig. Gone 14 days at a time.
This really hurts, no one to talk to out here.
Glad I found this forum.

kip, you have lot of work to do.....

Read up on this website. Plan A, Plan B.

But first...you need to find the proof...

1) Install keyloggers on the computers
2) Hire a PD if you have to
3) Use voice activated recorders, GPS...in the cars so you know what she is upto
4) The numbers from caller id, use the reverse number lookup to find out who that is
5) Find out their name....google, white pages

Once you get all this, confront her with the proof. Good luck.

I know the guy.
Have recorders on home PC for phone calls and caller ID.
Cant hire anyone. The guy is the chief of PD.
Was a mutual friend until he started calling when I wasn't home.
Do i confront him? What if this is all in my head?
But then why did she lie.
My recorder on the pc records the numbers dialed, numbers of calls received along with the audio.
Well, I have been gone since the 14th and I asked her again if she heard from him, again she says no. Time will tell.
Lie to me once, but not twice.
I am truly hurt, but my hurt is turning to hate.

I would assume it is an affair. The fact that she gets angry makes me think so. Also there are always lots of calls and lying about it.

It's a waste of time asking about it because they lie.

Do you have children with her?

Is the other man married?

We have 2 children. 17 and 14.
The other guy is divorced 3 times.
He is twice our age, his last wife was my age of 37.
He is 60

We are going to Marriage Counseling, but she doesn't like it.
She acts like there is nothing wrong, and I'm suppose to be ok with all of this.

Last time I was home I wanted to go dancing. She didn't why?
Because this guy was at the same place I wanted to go. I told her I didn't care he was there. But it felt like she didn't want him to see us together or something.
Am I just looking for things? IS this all in my head? I just don't know what to think.

I am insecure now, and depressed.

Did she used to be a good wife?

Sounds like she has a real loser on her hands.

Counseling is a big waste of money if there is an affair. Waywards go so they can say they "tried".

Stop asking about any affair, or she will just get more clever. Keep spying. She will get sloppy and you will get some proof.

Do you have a keylogger on the computer?

It is a really really long story.
I would like to think she was a good wife.
Yes, I do have a key logger.
She is computer stupid anyway.

Wish this would all go away!


I was in her car the other day and this guy followed me to a hardware store. He got out of his car walked inside. Saw me made a 180 and left like a bat out of hell.

She says it was nothing...........yea, right

Kip, please listen to believer and stop asking her about her A.

Know that it is...for she is crossing marital boundaries.

Healthy marital boundary--don't do or say anything you wouldn't want your spouse to witness. Creates and maintains marital intimacy, builds trust.

Few of us knew this, btw...learning it now, what's healthy and isn't healthy (not you being controlling, jealous, etc.) is terrific.

Whenever someone puts another person ahead of their marriage, it's an A. Means that your WW is in a wayward state of mind...so you feel her anger when you expected another emotion...and to me, this says previously, she's been a good wife. You had the expectation for her concern for your worry, fear, frustration...she must have shown you over the years that your stuff mattered to her...acknowledged, understood.

And she's not now. That's a big signal right there.

Get Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair" right away...to better understand why you don't ask any wayward for the truth. They've thoroughly convinced themselves of lies...they don't know it. It's up to you to bring it.

14 days at work and then how long home? And you've done this type of schedule for most of your marriage? That's a rough choice...after reading about how to survive infidelity and save your marriage, please consider it may mean moving your family, finding different employment, doing what you haven't done before (which has the benefit of acting to your top priority).

Doesn't sound to me as if you have chosen to fight for your marriage. If she is in an A, only you can choose to attempt recovery after killing the A or not. Sometimes, you'll feel like it one day and not the next...so don't choose from what you feel. Choose what you believe...that this isn't your wife right now...she's become addicted to fantasy, involved in deception and has lost touch with reality. Like an alien abduction...bears a remarkable resemblance to your wife...but isn't.

Please read the Basic Concepts, go over the Love Busters section and questionnaire (fill it out as if you are her, best you can) and do your own...sometimes what ticks you off that she does helps you see what you do.

Read and understand the Emotional Needs (ENs) and do the same...fill out a Q as if you are her...be really honest with yourself in how you think you meet her ENs...and be wary here...for that which you meet really well doesn't seem like an EN. Usually, the ones not met hit the top first.

Make your goal...depending on your own vows...which you made to yourself...and know your marriage is worthy, as are you...and your wife. And your children. Even when it doesn't feel like it.

LA

Sorry to hear of your woes.

Save your money on the marriage counseling, as active Waywards do nothing but lie.

If the OM is the Chief of Police, then exposure is critical.

Hire a PI with the money you save on MC and get a video and all the other info the PI gathers and present it to the city council.

The pressure that will put on the OM will most likely stop the A cold in its tracks.

You can't sit by and hope for better days ahead without taking some action to make those better days a reality.

Ready to roll up your sleeves?

"Save your money on the marriage counseling, as active Waywards do nothing but lie.

If the OM is the Chief of Police, then exposure is critical.

Hire a PI with the money you save on MC and get a video and all the other info the PI gathers and present it to the city council.

The pressure that will put on the OM will most likely stop the A cold in its tracks."

Good advice. Also put hide voice activated recorders in her car and the house. Better to hear what is being said to OM than just knowing when he called or she called him.

I work a 14 day rotation. 14 on and 14 off.
I want this to work between us. I don't want us to part!
I love this woman down to the bottom of my soul. What can i do to make it better? We have talked about it last time i was in, she assured me that there was nothing going on. I told her I really didn't like her speaking with him. She said she would talk to who ever she wanted. I kind of spoke about his past with other women that he had, and how he played them. She said that she understands my concerns and told me that she told him that she didn't want people to start talking and take their friendship the wrong way.
I would see all the calls on our cell phone bill on line. I could see conversations for 40 - 50 minutes at a time. She can't even talk to me for 15 while I am away. Then no more calls on the cell phone. My work was over, went home and asked her if he was calling the house, she said no. I looked on the called ID and there it was. No I didn't say anything then but it was eating on me while I was at work. I asked her about it and she just got angry, said I was pushing her away. Never got an answer, she lied.....
She has never lied to me before, until now. I wonder if there are other lies? Wonder if she has told me the truth and just don't want to talk about it anymore. I have been questioning her a lot. Maybe what she told me is all true, and there is nothing going on. But the other things just stay in my mind. When he followed me when in her car, thought it was her I guess. Her wanting to go with me to the store when she never came with me to the store before(next to his favorite parking place, store 1 block away)
I am trying to get it off my mind but here all I see is water everywhere I look. I know I have repeated my self, but I have no one to talk to about this. I'm all alone with these issues. She acts like I am ok, and just goes on like there is nothing bothering me. I just cant do this. I have given everything to my wife. She has the best of everything. How do I get over this pain, and aggravation? I want to act like there is nothing bothering me and want just to get over this and go back to our lives. Is this possible? even thou before this wasn't the best but it was us, and nothing else mattered.

Also, where is the Love Busters questionnaire? can someone please post a link?

Thanks in advance.....

I found the Love Busters questionnaire but how do you grade it?
How do you work on it?

I would have let her know about the phone logs just get her to admit to lying. You still have the others mean to detect. At some point you have to get it out there. Just my opinion.

She knows that I have seen the calls on the bill.
I think thats why they have stopped.

I have read over a few things here and I think I will start Plan A



I love her too darn much to let it end like this.
I will do my best to hold it together.
I will trust buy verify everything.

Thanks,

Yes, get a plan, stop asking her about an affair, and sit back and watch. When you get some evidence, then you will need to expose the affair. That usually changes things.

As you all know.
Its just not that easy.

I wanna just get angry & scream my head off!!!!

Kip

I understand as most of us do here about what you are feeling. But you have to listen to the advice and stick to the plans that are outlined on this site. You are in kind of a denial yourself. You don't want to believe that she is in an A. You are doubting yourself and your gut feelings. You are even doubting the evidence you do have...I did the same.

I know that it will take hard evidence to convince YOU. So get it. Right now she is lying. She's lying about everything. She has to. She cannot let you know that there is an A. So anytime you ask about it SHE WILL LIE. So get whatever evidence YOU need and get your plan together.

Once you convince yourself, expose the A to her family, your family, friends, his superiors, etc. Now I realize he is chief of PD so when you do expose to county or city supervisors make sure you have the proof you need. I would even consider talking to a lawyer to make sure you don't get shafted by OM.

Just because he is chief of pd doesn't mean you can't hire a PI. Ask them up front if they know him. If not, let them do the work. Get the evidence and then bust up this A. We'll walk you through it.

There's lots of work to do. And it's going to be the hardest thing you ever do, both mentally and physically. So take care of yourself.

You don't have a lot of choice. Be strong.

First off, realize that affairs are much like additions, hard core addictions. Wayward Spouses are addicted to the way they feel when they receive attention from the OP. Your WW is very addicted to this man, and will do ANYTHING for her next fix. All that was once sacred between you and your WW is now rudely shoved aside for the OM.

Get a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. Read it and become intimately familiar with this program. This is your best shot at saving your marriage.

Bite the bullet and hire the PI. Get significant PROOF of the A. Once you have read Surviving an Affair, and understand EXPOSURE, you will have the proof you need to do a HUGE exposure. This exposure MUST be done to KILL the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy, and once exposed to the light of day, begin to fail.

You must stand up and fight for your marriage. No one else will do so. You must take on this challenge with a great deal of positive thinking and energy to make the things happen that will give your marriage a chance.

The people in these forums have been there, done that and have a set of t-shirts. We will help you through this. But you are the ONE who must act. You are the one who will have to do some difficult and counter-intuitive things (exposure) to make this happen.

Knowledge is power. Read all you can here until you have the book and have read and studied it. Taking control of this situation will restore some power to you in a situation where you feel you have none. It's time to get busy! You ready?