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From personal experience with addiction AND an A, I can tell you, you KNOW when the WH has your best interests at heart, and when they don't...your intuition knows what to do, your woman's heart knows what to do, you are fighting against yourself because you don't want to do it...

Great insight, SHMI.

Tarnsy, it comes down to decision time and one question I always ask with tough decisions is "which pain would you rather endure?"

You have 2 basic choices with a few variations:

* Go back to Plan B so you can preserve what little love you may have left until he meets ALL of your conditions enthusiastically (or at least willingly at first),

OR

* proceed to plan D.

Again, I ask "which pain would you rather endure?" (OR if you want the positive POV ~ "Which pleasure would you rather pursue?"

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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tarnsy Offline OP
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Thx everyone for the replies,

It seems that the general consensus seems to be that I need to go to plan B with a view to plan D.

I can see the sense in that altho plan D may not turn out for the best financially at the mo as it looks as tho WH will be made bankrupt soon. His business closed owing a six figure sum and whilst he was living with the ho he put my house up as collateral for more loans, so I could lose the house whether he is here or not mad

WH has been wrapped up in the creditors meeting he had to have today so we haven't really talked about anything other than that the last day or two.

I think that I will give WH my list of requirements he needs to fulfill if we are to have any chance of taking this any further and if he won't agree to them then I will ask him to leave altho I am sure he will go straight to the ho as opposed to his parents. But I can take solace in the fact that it will be because I kicked him out rather than it being of his choosing.

If I do ask him to leave I don't know if I will do it as plan B or just go straight to plan D - like I said, my biggest concern is the financial implication of that. It makes me mad that when he left he had a pretty successful business that was on course to earn WH alot of money, now he has nothing but a shed load of debt. Who knows, I may be better off with him gone, I guess I need to speak to a solicitor.

Strangely, I haven't been upset or angry even - apart from when I initially found the email and when WH got angry because of the email that DD15 sent the ho. I have been calm and controlled, I don't feel how I thought I would feel in this scenario. Maybe because I've read so much here and knew that it was bound to happen, maybe because I've been going through this for 2 years now and I'm emotionally drained or maybe it's because my LB is nearing the empty mark. Time will tell what the answer is.

Well, I hope everyone has a good weekend and happy halloween!


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
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Bump for Tarnsy,,,

How are you doing??


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
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Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

Hope you and the girls are ok.

F26


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
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Hi Tarnsy,

Hope you are doing OK under the circumstances. I have to agree with Ace on this, it may be time to move on and you certainly seem to be strong enough to endure it. The financial situation is a real downer at this time and I am sorry that it will add to your woes even more.

I don't stop by here much anymore. Funny I thought that I would have more free time once I retired but it seems I have less. On a positive note, my DD is doing so much better now that she is actually going to plan D. I didn't realise just how much stress she was under but the last time I talked to her she seemed so much like her old self. She and my DD 22 are going to Las Vegas between Christmas and New Years. Her husband is taking my grandson to visit his mother and it will be the first time DD 23 has been separated from him so it will be a fun diversion for her.

I honestly think that your WH just doesn't get it and he may be one of those who never does. You are a special person and if he can't see that, some day someone else will. Please take care of yourself and your DD's and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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bump for tarnsy


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
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Hi Tarnsy,

I just wanted to wish you and the girls a very Merry Christmas!

I really hope no news is good news and you are doing ok...

Thinking of you F-26


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
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Bump again for Tarnsy,,, Happy New Year girl,,,,thinking of you.

F-26


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 204
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tarnsy Offline OP
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Hi F-26,

Hope you are still checking in from time to time. Thx for thinking of me.

WH and I are doing pretty good. He still has some work to do in meeting my requirements but as time goes by he is getting back to being the H I knew before the A and I think that he is beginning to realise that we can't do this without some sort of guidance. SAA is on his bedside table but he doesn't pick it up unless I leave it open on a specific page.

As far as I can tell NC has been in place since the email I discovered, I will have to read back to see when that was - I don't obsess over dates so much anymore which is a good thing!

WH had 2 weeks off work over the holiday period of which we spent virtually every hour together, with or w/o DD and it was all good.

WH has his bankruptcy hearing at the end of the month so we still have that to worry about.

I know I still have to be watchful of WH and my radar is still on high alert and I also know that I need him to step up to the plate now and do some of the things I have previously asked for. WH has always been obstinate in doing things that aren't his idea so this is what I am struggling with, just getting him to read the books would be huge! He doesn't agree with self-help books etc. I used the analogy of a car breaking down, wouldn't you read the manual before tackling it yourself? WH at least agreed that the analogy made sense to him!

The only other blot on the landscape is MIL. She sent WH and DD's Xmas gifts and cards but I didn't even get a mention in WH's card! I have written a letter telling her a few truths but am wondering whether to send it or not. I truly do not know what I have done for her to act as if I don't exist. But then she has always been difficult. Is a letter the way to go? Ideally I'd like WH to deal with this but he has never been able to stand up to his mother, I have many stories I could tell about how she manipulates and controls people/situations.

Have a new PC now so hopefully will be around more often, will check in again soon.

Thx again F-26 and Who for checking up on me and to everyone else who has stopped by.


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
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HI HI HI!!!! I am so glad things are doing good and that you sound so good!!!!

Your hubby sounds like he is coming around, and I know what you mean about him being resistant to things that are not his idea, my hubby is the same way. And the more I push the more he'll resist, but usually if I back off and give him time to think about things then "he'll" come with a simular plan LOL..

I may borrow the car manual analogy, that was good!

Great news on NC!!!!

and as far as the MIL, personally I wouldn't give her the satsifaction of even letting her know that she bothered me. People like that love the drama and if you ignore them it drives them crazy. (Just my opinion, my mom is very much like that)

Will you guys be able to keep the house?

anyhow I'm glad you are doing good, hurray

hope to hear from you soon, F-26


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
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Great to hear from you Tarnsy,

I'm hoping that WhoMe also sees your good report, but she is probably off traveling somewhere now that she's retired.

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 204
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tarnsy Offline OP
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Hi F-26, Ace,

Well, how stupid can somebody be?! The day after I posted WH walked out again!

After 5 1/2 months it seems it was a false recovery. WH swears that NC has been in place (whatever) and that his reasons for leaving are that he cannot foresee ever loving me again, that I have not supported him financially, that DD's and I have no respect for him and that both of our mothers have too much influence - wtf? Oh and that if he leaves we won't lose the house - whoopee crazy

I did ask WH to reconsider for the girls sakes but he replied that he knew that leaving would "screw their heads up again" but he had to do it. Oh how I missed the fogbabble!

WH did admit that he is f****d up in the head, with all that has gone on with us and losing the business and having to go bankrupt, he said that he has often thought of throwing himself off a bridge, he knows that he has to see a Dr about getting on anti-ds. He promised to do this but I don't hold out much hope, he has never had much sympathy for people (myself included) who have taken that route.

He also took SAA and promised to read that too but again it itsn't something I'll be holding my breath for.

TBH, part of me is relieved, I almost feel like a weight has been lifted - as if I had been waiting for this to happen and now that it has I can deal with it. Certainly things are much easier to cope with the second time around, I have been there and done that and I can do it again, this time with an eye to plan D rather than reconciliation.

DD's are ok. DD15 was angry at me at first and said it was my fault for not trying hard enough and DD9 has been sad and crying at night, she is a bit older this time round and it seems to be affecting her more. I'm just trying to reassure them that all will be well and we were fine before and we will be again.

Thanks to all who offered their help and support and I'm sorry that this is one story that is not going to have a happy ending - well, not the one I had anticipated, but I KNOW everything will be fine eventually. I'm sure that there will be more thrills to be had on this particular ride and I'll be coming straight here to all you wonderful people when they do.

Many thanks

Tarnsy



BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 204
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tarnsy Offline OP
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Hi folks,

just a quick question. WH has asked for my "permission" to read my thread here on MB. As I have no hopes for R now, do I have anything to lose by letting him read it? Part of me says it would do him good but another part of me thinks that he would use it against me and say that he was manipulated (plan B) altho that was not the intention obviously.

Of course, he could read it anyway - he doesn't need my permission to read a public forum - but he says he won't for now. I'm wondering if I should change my user name and start a new thread seeing as the only recovery I am going to get is a personal one.

Opinions anyone?



BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,026
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Hi Tarnsy,

I don't think I've posted to you before but I have kept up with this thread. I think our Plan Bs started around the same time & from what I can recall our Hs have seemed to have the same attitudes, both during Plan B and (false) recovery. My STBXH has also decided he's not going to do this. I'm sorry for your pain but I can SO relate - it's much easier this time around. Even the kids, though they're mad at both of us, are dealing better and DD12 is a bit relieved that "this time is for good". OH, also, I've noticed on the home computer that STBXH is also snooping around here now. He's NEVER been to this board before or been too interested in the Principles, etc. as I've tried to discuss/implement. What's up with that?

Anyway, you're right, you'll be OK and a success story all your own.


LIFE IS GOOD
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tarnsy Offline OP
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Hi Julie,

Thx for the words of support. I'm a little down at the mo probably cos I've just had a few glasses of wine with a friend. Plus I just found out that WH has changed his status on facebook to single, probably in the hopes that the ho will see.

Honestly, I just can't be doing with all this anymore, I am at the end of my tether. Can't help wondering why WH would even want to come here to MB now when he did nothing but belittle me for reading/posting here. My head tells me it's because he wants to keep me dangling but my heart can't help but to wonder if he is finally beginning to get "it" - whatever "it" is.

I guess it's just more games but I really don't want to play anymore. I think for my own sake I need to look at starting D proceedings so that I can put all this behind me once and for all.

Are you back in plan B with an eye to plan D? I think I need the peace of plan B as WH is emailing me several times a day and calling me crying telling me how much he hurts! I have enough to deal with as it is with DD's and my own pain, why do I have to hear about his?

Anyway, I have to go to bed, it's late in the UK. Will catch up tomoro.


BW (me) 40
WH 41
DD's 9&15
D Day 12 Nov 06
Married 16 yrs
PBL 24/12/07
WH lived with OW 07-07 - 07-08
WH returned home 08-08
Found out NC broken 29-10-08
WH leaves again 15-01-09
bruised but not broken
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
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Tarnsy, I am soooo sorry you're still going through this crap. If it were me, I would NOT let WH read your thread. What would be the point? You can't educate a WH and you're right, he probably WOULD try and use it against you.

This is your safe place. Don't give it up.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Tarnsy hugs, I am so sorry he did this again, 'specially when things seemed like they were settling down and going good.

Yes it does sound like he is depressed but running away is not the answer.

You sound strong and I agree with you, you can't deal with all of this he has to "poop" or get off the pot, this is unfair to you and to your girls.

And as far as reading here no, he didn't want to before why now? Other then to either use it against you or to keep tabs on what your doing, thinking etc.

Again I am sorry that he has choose to run away and not commit to his family,,,, but this will be a success story.. YOURS you will make a happy life for you and your girls and as they say that is the best revenge!

My prays are with you girl,,,, F-26


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
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Originally Posted by tarnsy
Hi F-26, Ace,

Well, how stupid can somebody be?! The day after I posted WH walked out again!

Hi Tarnsy,

So sorry you're having to endure another episode. Don't berate yourself for giving him far more chances than he deserves. A positive perspective is that you can know in your heart that you did everything possible (and then some) to try to salvage your marriage.

I don't think you should allow him to see your innermost thoughts and struggles on your thread. Keep it as your private benchmark for your own personal recovery.

Praying for you and wishing you the best,
Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
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Hi Tarnsy,

I actually came to MB today to check and see how you were doing. I am really sorry that your WH is once again dazed and confused. I agree with Ace and the others who feel that your WH shouldn't read your posts here. I don't see anything to be gained on your part. It might be different if he appeared at all interested in recovering your marriage, but he doesn't.

I also feel that success isn't necessarily recovering your marriage or not. Success for you and your girls might be simply to recover yourselves and move on without your WH.

What ever happens, you will be fine. You are so strong and have been thru this for quite awhile by this point. I just wanted to lend my moral support and let you know that I was thinking of you.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

Recovered
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 258
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Bump for Tarnsy,,,, how are you???


Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
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