Yes, I think I have read every post in this section.

I know what everyone is telling my is true. Doesn't help the fact.
You all know that. We all have to deal with things the way we can.
For me, well. I just want her to be open and honest. If and when I get the information I need to expose things I will. You know, we have had a very intimate relationship, always there for each other, and I mean in every way. If there was ever a perfect marriage it would be mine. I will get to the bottom of things, and expose everything to the entire world. Then, if she is willing to break all ties, and everything else that has to do with it, and be honest about everything. I will, I will try my best to rebuild what we had.
But like the other post said. "My Marriage As I Knew It Is Over" has really hit a nerve, and I see the light.

Thanks again to all of you.

Kip,

Good ... I'm glad its starting to sink in.

We have a few things in common ... we too had what all of our friends and family considered to be the perfect M. We were each other's best friends and spent more time together than any other couple we knew. I would have bet every cent that I had that my W would have NEVER had an A ... and just like you, have had to learn a very powerful and humbling lesson.

IT SUCKS ... and there's no other way to put it!!!

I'm now 18 months past the point where you now find yourself, and still greive for the life "I thought" I had, but lost. However, we are one of the relatively few success stories around here ... most don't make it. That's why I wanted you to get your head around the concept that your WW has already left the M.

Right now, you're not really in a position to do much about your situation, other than HURT and that sucks, also.

When does your shift change and you can get back home?

We all hope we're wrong, but in our hearts we know what is going on in your household ... and deep inside ... so do you. So let's use this time you have wisely.

Give yourself some time to absorb all of this, and DON'T TIP OFF YOUR WW THAT YOU ARE ANY MORE SUSPICIOUS THAN YOU'VE LET ON TO THIS POINT.

ALSO, PREPARE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE for the information that your phone tap will undoubtedly provide. You KNOW what its going to show, but there's nothing like seeing/hearing it for yourself and it WILL put you in a tailspin. You will become physically ill, and you won't be able to eat or sleep for some time ... no one can help you through this, but we can help you to be as prepared as possible for what to expect.

Once you've absorbed the fact of her infidelity, then you need to decide if you want to attempt to recover your M. DON'T MAKE THIS DECISION IN HASTE OR BASED ON YOUR EMOTIONS.

Let us know what your decision is and we'll help you formulate a plan of action to implement as soon as you return home.

Hang tough ... although we are anonymous, you are among friends who unfortunately share a common pain.

I am suppose to leave day after tomorrow, Wednesday.
Don't look like that will happen. If there is fog, the helicopter will not fly us in. I will probable not be on the forum while I am in. I can only hope and pray I don't find anything. I don't think I am prepared to go into this. But I have to.

Thanks again,
Kip

That's just it ... you didn't get a say in the matter ... your WW has already made the decision for you.

PREPARE YOURSELF for the worst by deciding if you want to R, even if you see/hear confirmation of your fears when you get home.

The eyes...

She can't look you in the eyes, as they are the window to the soul. She has sold her soul for the OM. For months I never saw any light or twinkle in my W's eyes. That's because she gave up her soul for her OM.

Do not underestimate the power of this adultery addiction. It will make a wayward behave worse than on crack or heroin. Once they step out of the traditional marriage vows to indulge in an affair, there is NOTHING A WS WON'T do. Women forsake their children. Most wayward's forsake all previous friends and relationships. They do ANYTHING for their fix. We have seen it all right here on these forums.

* Right now you need to avoid relationship talks, or confrontations, or you'll just alienate her and drive the A deeper underground.

* Right now you need to make arrangements with a PI to get the necessary "court ready" evidence while you are away and working.

* Right now you need to attempt to meet what needs of her's you believe are most important, but for now start with admiration. Compliment her housekeeping, decorating, cooking skills lightly in the course of conversation.

* Right now you need to develop the ability to "emotionally detach" from her chaos. Deep down, she knows what she's done, but in her mind has reached the point of no return (to you). She has no idea how to make amends for what she's done and assumes the bridge is burned. Show her a kind and gentle person who "may" be available to assist in her return to the marriage.

* Expect nothing from her in getting your own needs met. No SF, no compliments, no admiration, no respect, no warm fuzzies whatsoever. She is in a state where that's not possible for her.

* Expect her to "engage" you in fights, so you'll lose it, issue AO's (angry outbursts) and DJ's (disrespectful judgements) at her which will "JUSTIFY" her A because "you are a mean and spiteful man".

* Expect her to be the dark mirror image of everything she once was to you. You will not recognize this woman until the A stops and she is through withdrawal. She is totally an alien creature that you cannot understand right now.

* Purchase and read Surviving an Affair. It's the playbook on how to get through this. We on the forums will help along the way, but YOU are the principal player in getting the A to end and committing to the steps required to get your W home and seek recovery.

* If you are so emotionally "rocked" you can't deal with this, do not hesitate to see your doctor and get some anti-depressants to help calm you. You are the only emotionally stable part of your marriage today, and you need your senses and sensibility.

Best wishes,
SD

kip i said it before. i coould have written your story 8 yrs back.

my w's b day is mid Jan. I took her to one of those hotels with the rock grotto hot tub right in the room. we both had a great time.

so valentine's day rolls around and i light a dozen candles in the bathroom before she gets up. leave a rose everywhere she goes around the house in the morning and one on her steering wheel. put romantic cards with every rose.

her reaction was like it was just another monday morning.

that's when i knew there was someone else entertaining her thoughts. no wmind you at this time it was only emotional. there was no physical stuff for another 6 weeks.

i am hoping that in your case it is still just emotional also.

i don't know what the answer is to snap them out of this stage and prevent them from taking the next step in their road to he!!.

i tend to be more direct now. after being where i was, i would make it perfectly clear that if things turn left i would be gone, gone, gone. and be out replacing her in a new york second.

i know that is not the mb way but that is how i would handle my situation had i known then what i know now.

ah yeah that old 20/20 hindsight.

i think your w probably believes that she has everything under control and can handle her relationships. that her and om are "just" friends. she is probably like my w was and that is naive to what is really on a single man's mind. (and some scum sucking married men also).

well insight of all of this I feel my self falling into depression.
In the worst way. This has just taken a toll on me. I don't know if I can snap back from it.

Kip

Call your Dr. You may need to go on ADs. Don't hesitate to do this.

Hang in there.

No AD for me.
I tried that once before, didn't do a thing.
I just can't believe whats happening in my life. Where did it all go wrong?

IMHO: There is only 5% of men in the world that are not pigs.
I put myself in that 5%. I am proud that I am the way I am.
I just can't get passed this.

Thanks everyone for your support.

If their is no one to assist you then resign.

Yes you can Kip.

Have you considered IC (individual counselling?

This time in your life shall pass as everything else does. No matter which way your M should turn, you can recover yourself.

Our MC said she will not do IC.
We came in together, and will only see us together.
Now what? Find another?

Scrape up the money and make one call to the Harleys. MC is a waste of money and time if there is an affair.

Hang in there Kip. You WILL survive this. You will emerge a stronger human being. Many of us have been through this, and many of us perhaps weaker than you.

Have you purchased Surviving an Affair yet? If not, get it before you fly back out to work.

Same question in regards to a private investigator. If not, do it before you fly back out to work.

In the mean time, just breathe! We'll be here when you return.

I want to start with plan A.
How do I start feeling the way I do.
I am suppose to go home tomorrow morning if the chopper can fly that is, and i want to start the minute I walk in the door.
What would be the first thing I should do, or how to go about my return home?

As you all know, my anniversary is Valentines Day, Feb. 14th
With all this going on, what would be a good ides to try with my Wife? Something to go along with plan A this is.

Suggestions please!!

First, I'm not much of a fan of Plan A for BH's ... its too easy for Plan A to turn into Plan Appeasement for BH's and that leads to disaster.

At this point, I think I would find out what intelligence your phone tap provides before you commit to ANY plan.

JustLearning often uses a quote of John Madden's for just such situations:


To my mind, you can't formulate a plan until you know exactly what you're up against.

I agree it's a good idea to see what your phone taps reveal.

Well,
The weather is broken , so the Helicopter may be able to fly.
I will see what the tap shows before I start anything.
I am hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.
I ask for prayers from all of you.
Thanks again for the support.

Respectively,
Kip

We're hanging in there with you kip, so give us an update when you can. Once we get the results from the tape, I'll give you some pointers on Plan A. I started a post in regards to your question on that and my computer barfed and I lost it. Haven't had time to redo it yet.

Right now, no confrontations, no Love Busters; just lay low and strive for normal in your relationship with your W. Be attentive and conversational, but no relationship talk. Do not let her provoke you into fighting, which is a keystone in a wayward's MO. The worse you look to them, the easier it is to justify their decision to hook up with the OM.

Completely off topic... I'd love to share a beer or three with you and see what it's like working on an oil platform. We fished off of Mustang Island/Port Aransas Texas a while back and went by several platforms. I bet you have some stories to tell!

Kip if you find out that she is having an affair with him. The first thing you do is close your joint bank account. And cancel all joint credit cards. She will raise hell, and ask you why. Tell her because you are screwing the police chief and only faithful wives get access to my money. Go to Love shack. Look under marriage and you will find a thread on the infidelity thread. You will find a thread called "Cheating and success of making them quit by loving them back". You need to read this. A hard line is the only way to stop this. She needs to know that you will call her family and friends. That you will let the town council know and you will even pay for an article in the local paper. If you shine a light on this, it will blow it wide open. And then you tell wife that while she is doing everything to destroy your marriage. You will do EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING to save it. Best of luck.