Are you working toward this? Good for you. I think you will be wonderful at it!



Very well could be and add that to an addictive personality that loves the thrill of risk and you have a nasty brew.

Hey, I know it might not be the MB way but I think freaking out is entirely appropriate. I have given myself several bad headaches yelling. Bad form I know but at the moment it was the only thing I could do, no self control. I am still learning.


It is indeed.


I think there is value even in some of the posts I don't want to hear. It is true that sometimes they make me angry but...oh well. I am a quoting fool now!

HA HA HA HA HA...oh

SSS -

"Quote:I have not received my psychiatric credentials yet, but I would guess that the prostitute thing has to do with fear of intimacy, narcisistic tendencies, and FOO issues - what he learned from his father.

Are you working toward this? Good for you. I think you will be wonderful at it!"

This was meant tongue in cheek. I do have a teaching certificate, but work in construction management, but at a hospital. Does that count?

As far as I am concerned you are all experts. You all help, you all know what is needed from constructive plans to constructive criticism. It is all good and you all are good. Plus an added extra, I can say what I need to say and feel like I will get good information back or a laugh when it is meant to be a funny even in this awful situation. It means a lot.

Did you see my post about not working on being a shrink?

Well, Mike is over cracking jokes on hubby's thread. He should be a comedy writer.

Hubby seems to be very driven toward recovery. But who ever knows. I think the two of you are yell yoked in that regard.

One thing I've been pondering is that maybe the same thing that made him a star professionally is the same thing that made him a less than perfect husband. Like the two sides of a coin.

He is trying to make you feel safe by working hard, and providing amends financially. So it seems to me that he values you and the marriage.

Men are strange. I had a lifelong friend who was extremely successful in the world, but I thought he treated his wife very poorly. He went out in the world and did things, and she was very much in the background. When she died, I was completely AMAZED at how much he grieved for her - I mean, he was a broken man and his life revolved around her. Trouble is, he didn't show it that much when she was alive. So sad.

Arghhhh, my head hurts! You, my friend, always make me think and always direct me to use that thinking to good purpose.


Our sex life had always been sporadic and not nearly as frequent as I would have liked it or as he demanded it. I do mean he demanded it and that is why it was not frequent. What happened 6 years ago was a horrible mess that all happened at once. My oldest left for college, it killed me. My youngest was getting ready to leave in a few months for college, still killing me. GM retired early because of his health and a pact we made when we got married to do that. With his retirement came a promise that we would work this out, do what we needed to do to make our marriage work and we would be happy working on and getting our house built on my farm. 2 weeks after he retired my brother came to live with me until his death. It was out of the blue and he died of AIDS a month and a half later. He was the only remaining member of my birth family. All dead before I even turned 50. I fell apart and was very depressed for a long time. By the time I actually found a doc who would prescribe meds to help me it was 3 years later and I had fallen totally apart. During the time I was with my brother in the hospital GM was seeking a mistress on the Internet, right after his promise that we would work on our marriage. I spent the rest of the 6 years overseeing the building of the house that I designed and I essentially did this alone since he was too involved already with OW. I knew something was going on but he never spent more than 15 minutes a day with me on the good days so there was no way to really know what was going on in his head. I did try. I guess I wanted to explain because it seems so odd to do without sex. Lets just say that there are ways. I sometimes wonder why I did not seek someone else out but I do know why.

I have a lot to think about. What great advice. I have spent many many hours alone so I have worked on some things I needed to fix about myself. I will go back and do that again. Things are different now. It is hard but a big help to know yourself, fix yourself then decide what you need. Thank you. I had not even begun to think about that.

I am sorry about what you went through but thank you for sharing. Your advice about qualifiers is right on, it has to be well thought out and not something fleeting. I will look at all those things when I read and try to figure out what the qualifier is. I do know that two of mine will be time and honesty, both of those things have been sorely lacking and that has to change. The Pepperband program! Sounds good to me. Thank you.

I would say, YES IT DOES!

Whew! I think I am caught up now! Yes I just responded to it. Funny.

Mike is priceless and the humor is much appreciated by both of us. I have ignored GM because he needs to work on his stuff and I need to work on mine right now. He also needs to feel free to write what he needs to write. I am certain that he tells me all of it anyway as I tell him. Neither one of us has been good keeping quiet with stuff?????????? Did I just say that? What a maroon!

The Obama joke? GM is a big ole liberal, not something found in Kansas often, we are kind of an aberration here .

He does seem to be driven and I hope it is true. I do take things like barbiecat said to heart, it is a truth I have to think about.


Could be, that is interesting.

Do you think your friend knew how important she was to him? Maybe it just seemed that he did not care that much? Sad, very sad. At least we know that we found out where we stood before we died. I suppose that is something.

Behind every successful man, etc.

You know....it is funny, but this is *almost* the dynamic my friends and family saw with me. WW is very quiet, introverted, not conversant on world events, etc. I'm...obviously, a babbler, and run in pretty lofty political and business circles at times.

Most men immediately love her because she is very young looking and cute as heck. I've never had a man ask me why we are together. But it has been subtly hinted at by quite a few women in my life, who, of course, only see a quiet unopinioned woman where they were looking for conversation at social events, etc.

BUT...I always *fawned* on her, she held the family together as an excellent mother and homemaker, and there was an important symbiotic relationship.

If WW ever died, I don't know what I would do.




Probably bury the body and hide the knife, actually, nowadays....

Today, much success.

If I don't catch all my errors sorry, 2 kittens playing with my fingers as I type .

Last night GM finished with his No Contact contract. He defined every instance OW might communicate with him and what he would do. There was nothing on it that might suggest he needed help staying away from her. I don't know if he was supposed to do that or not but I really think he is totally over her. He gets a pained look, disgusted look when she is mentioned and it does not seem feigned.

Today we finished with his assignment about his other extra curriculars, the hookers (not the OW hooker). That was painful yesterday and painful again this morning but I think that is done. He then wrote up the reasons he thought he was doing that and what he needed to do if he ever even thought about doing it again. It seems OK to me, we will see what Steve has to say tomorrow.

He called the attorney that we have dealt with to set up trusts. We split everything long ago in case one of us got sued the other would be safe. He explained his infidelity (that surprised me) and spoke with him about what we needed to do to set up the post nup. Now we both need attorneys so that they can deal with this attorney, why so many I do not understand but the one that we both used to set up the trusts has to stay neutral. He called and got an appointment with an attorney for himself today. I will do that tomorrow.

We spoke at length about what he has done and he defined to me what it had done to me, not his guilt but what his affairs had done to me. He is beginning to understand. I told him what I needed from him now at this time. Mainly lots of care and reassurance and honesty. He just called me, he is on the porch and I am inside, just to tell me I am beautiful and he loves me. Nice. Gonna take some getting used to but......nah, I can get used to this easily .

To me there is much progress. To those who have warned me about the liars and anti socials please know that I am keeping all that in mind and watching carefully. Thanks.

........

Oops, that was stupid. Done and thank you. I am waaaaay too comfortable here.

Yeah, but you gotta do more than that nowadays.

You have to sink it in a block of concrete and drop the concrete into a very large, deep body of water on a dark, moonless night...

Charlotte

P.S.) (Use a rowboat so you don't make too much noise.)

<feverishly taking notes>

It is funny how intoxicating just basic expected marital behavior can be in recovery. My WW now seeks me out for hello and goodbye kisses, wants to cuddle at night, go for drinks, makes complimentary remarks....all this stuff that should be basic marital stuff, now it is like a huge deal to me.

Have to keep it in perspective...

Hi Mike,
I agree. Recovery seems so terrible at first but when H & W are committed to it there is such a beautfil rainbow awaiting both. For the first time in my 19 years of marriage, I feel complete and I'm pretty sure my H feels the same. Sure there are days that I have setbacks but like you said - keep it in perspective.

G

hmmm...I'm not sure we are on the same wave length. My point is I am very suspicious of my WW's sudden 'affections'. Not only that, I am somewhat ticked at the fact that I am only now enjoying what I missed over 20 plus years of numbness.

Is it true change or temporary assuagement?

I don't know.


PS: I also don't know whether "assuagement" is a word, but it felt perfect there.

Good morning everyone!

I am feeling better and better. Not delusional, still guarded, just at the bottom of the last drop and leveling out.

I just got off the phone after my appointment with Steve. I can't really say a lot since GM and I are working two different programs. We are not dealing with anti social behavior. The liar part is certainly true but given the other things about GM I think we are going to be OK IF he can work the program and hold himself accountable. Big if I know. I will keep watch. The post nup is a big step in the right direction. It is certainly one more big bump for him get over in order to repeat his bad behavior. It sure has made me feel safer. Safe enough to say that I can and will continue the process and see what happens.

I thank God for this place and all of you. I would not have made it this far without this forum, you, Steve and the MB process.

I hope the next hill is not for a while but I see it coming, it needs to for recovery.

Sounds like a good word to me.


No kidding. I just keep telling myself that it will become habit and I will become the object of that habit. At least for now that is getting me by.