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Originally Posted by roybatty
***edit***

Wow. Is it me, or did that seem like a low blow? While I may not agree 100% with everything Melody says here (or anyone else for that matter), her feedback has been helpful.

I'm sensing a bit of anger here...

Last edited by Maverick_mb; 02/09/09 10:50 AM. Reason: removing quote

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Originally Posted by Krazy71
You need to ban your wife's skank of a friend from both of your lives, at all costs.

Ban ALL unremorseful cheaters from your lives while you're at it.

That's what I've done, except for my mother. Even in her case, I've considered it.

Of course, you are correct on all counts. It's just how I go about this. I know the angry outbursts are wrong... I have to implement persuasion, practice and time. It will be my long term project.


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Originally Posted by roybatty
Originally Posted by Krazy71
You need to ban your wife's skank of a friend from both of your lives, at all costs.

Ban ALL unremorseful cheaters from your lives while you're at it.

That's what I've done, except for my mother. Even in her case, I've considered it.

Of course, you are correct on all counts. It's just how I go about this. I know the angry outbursts are wrong... I have to implement persuasion, practice and time. It will be my long term project.

Long term project? That's insane.

It's simple. Without sounding angry, just tell your wife that Skank Friend is not a friend of your marriage, and needs to be removed from both of your lives immediately, and permanently.

If your wife protests, or threatens to choose Skank Friend over her marriage, you should probably prepare for divorce, anyway.


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Originally Posted by DNU1
Originally Posted by roybatty
***edit***

Wow. Is it me, or did that seem like a low blow? While I may not agree 100% with everything Melody says here (or anyone else for that matter), her feedback has been helpful.

I'm sensing a bit of anger here...

I'll just refer back to this statement...

"With the exception of the Marriage Builders® Weekend Private forums, the advice offered on these forums is offered by your peers - it is NOT professional advice and should not be taken as such."

Some folks are dabbling in professional marriage counseling around here.

Last edited by Maverick_mb; 02/09/09 10:52 AM. Reason: removing quote

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naughty advice Roy has gotten

puke Roy's reaction to that advice

:twobyfour: our reaction to Roy's reaction

hurray how om probably felt leaving the party

mad how I bet Roy's wife will react to Roy's likely ultimatums and efforts to control her behavior

uhuh my estimation of the likelihood Roy is capable of understanding POJA

puke Roy's reaction to our reaction to his behavior so far

:twobyfour: what I think Roy needs

skeptical my opinion of how likely Roy is to think that anyone who disagrees with him might have a clue



But, all of that is merely my opinion. And, of course, since I don't agree with Roy's choices, I doubt he will value either my opinion, Mel's opinion, Big K's opinion, or the Harley's opinion. After all, they don't align with his opinions. :RollieEyes:


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Please keep posts respectful and free from personal attacks.

Thank you.

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Originally Posted by Krazy71
Originally Posted by roybatty
It will be my long term project.

Long term project? That's insane.

It's simple. Without sounding angry, just tell your wife that Skank Friend is not a friend of your marriage, and needs to be removed from both of your lives immediately, and permanently.

If your wife protests, or threatens to choose Skank Friend over her marriage, you should probably prepare for divorce, anyway.

I agree with Krazy ... there is no need for LONG TERM PROJECTS, and I also concur that toxic BF HAS TO GO ... and there is no room for negotiation. If your WW can't see that toxic BF is no friend of the M, then she is putting others before rb and their M, and Plan D is the likely outcome anyway.

BH's who take strong, definitive ACTION have a much better chance of success, either by gaining the M that they desire, or moving on with life away from an unremorseful and unrepentent adulterer.

... and rb, you need to realize that confrontations are usually frowned on upon this site, but that's not your problem. Most of these folks are quite passive by nature, and just don't relate well to BH's who take strong definitive ACTIONS.

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Long term project? That's insane.

It's simple. Without sounding angry, just tell your wife that Skank Friend is not a friend of your marriage, and needs to be removed from both of your lives immediately, and permanently.

If your wife protests, or threatens to choose Skank Friend over her marriage, you should probably prepare for divorce, anyway. [/quote]

That would be a love buster and push us closer to divorce. Persuading her over time... Okay, within the next few months is probably the correct course of action. I have to get her more familiar with some of the good concepts from the Harley's. But I don't even buy into it all myself.

It's unlikely that my wife will have any contact with her toxic friend over that time anyway... I mean, that has been the norm before as far as their friendship has gone. If something does get cooked up, I'll be sure to head it off, tactfully of course.

Here's one for you... I don't think I would ever have to give my wife a divorce even if she wanted one. We are married under common law... but we have a signed contract with each other that's been notarized and recorded in the county courthouse. There would be huge compensation considerations if either one of us broke the contract.

I'm not sure how I talked her into that one.


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Originally Posted by MyRevelation
... and rb, you need to realize that confrontations are usually frowned on upon this site, but that's not your problem. Most of these folks are quite passive by nature, and just don't relate well to BH's who take strong definitive ACTIONS.

Personally, I see it as "passive" that Roy chose to go to a party where OM would be. The stronger action [non conflict avoider/leader of the family/protector of the marriage role] would have been to tell his wife that the party was unacceptable, and that they would not be attending.

Mrs. W


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Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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We are married under common law... but

faint


I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey
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I think that seeing who the other person is, is a good thing. I'll recognize him again if we should every happen to run into him by chance. Or maybe you think that me and my wife should move to another state? You know, some things just aren't practical.

I never said anything about you needing to move to another state. I don't think it's a bad thing for you to know what OM looks like. I think all BSs should see what the POSOP looks like for many reasons.

I understand the resentment rb. I just don't think having a party with OM and toxic GFs shows them anything except you being willing to put up with their presence.




BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Originally Posted by roybatty
Here's one for you... I don't think I would ever have to give my wife a divorce even if she wanted one. We are married under common law... but we have a signed contract with each other that's been notarized and recorded in the county courthouse. There would be huge compensation considerations if either one of us broke the contract.

Why do that instead of getting married?

Please get the book Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders by Dr. Harley.

Mrs. W



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FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Originally Posted by Maverick_mb
Please keep posts respectful and free from personal attacks.

Thank you.

What are you refering to? MelodyLane telling me I have no common sense or me telling her I feel sorry for her husband?

Maybe you are talking to both of us?


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Originally Posted by MrsWondering
Originally Posted by roybatty
Here's one for you... I don't think I would ever have to give my wife a divorce even if she wanted one. We are married under common law... but we have a signed contract with each other that's been notarized and recorded in the county courthouse. There would be huge compensation considerations if either one of us broke the contract.

Why do that instead of getting married?

Please get the book Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders by Dr. Harley.

Mrs. W

We are married. More married than marriages under statute law. I encourage you to do some research.


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Originally Posted by black_raven
Quote
I think that seeing who the other person is, is a good thing. I'll recognize him again if we should every happen to run into him by chance. Or maybe you think that me and my wife should move to another state? You know, some things just aren't practical.

I never said anything about you needing to move to another state. I don't think it's a bad thing for you to know what OM looks like. I think all BSs should see what the POSOP looks like for many reasons.

I understand the resentment rb. I just don't think having a party with OM and toxic GFs shows them anything except you being willing to put up with their presence.
I know you didn't say that to me... I was just getting a little defensive. My apologes to you. smile


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Originally Posted by MrsWondering
Originally Posted by MyRevelation
... and rb, you need to realize that confrontations are usually frowned on upon this site, but that's not your problem. Most of these folks are quite passive by nature, and just don't relate well to BH's who take strong definitive ACTIONS.

Personally, I see it as "passive" that Roy chose to go to a party where OM would be. The stronger action [non conflict avoider/leader of the family/protector of the marriage role] would have been to tell his wife that the party was unacceptable, and that they would not be attending.

Mrs. W

Don't get me wrong ... WW insisting that we attend that party would have been a deal breaker for ME, but roy chose to go, and once they were there, they couldn't "put the toothpaste back in the tube".

So at that point, ONCE HE WAS THERE ANYWAY ... I support him confronting the OM. It appears to me that rb's WW hasn't respected him for some time, and his confrontation with the OM showed her a different side to rb, and she left the party with a positive impression of rb for a change.

If rb was paying attention, he will recognize that his conflict avoiding tendencies got him in this mess, and strong decisive action has now improved his situation. Hopefully, he will recognize the connection and quit conflict avoiding, and actually defend his boundaries going forward.

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Good grief...you aren't even married?

Blast the fog horn! crazy


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2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Originally Posted by roybatty
That would be a love buster and push us closer to divorce. Persuading her over time... Okay, within the next few months is probably the correct course of action. I have to get her more familiar with some of the good concepts from the Harley's. But I don't even buy into it all myself.

It's unlikely that my wife will have any contact with her toxic friend over that time anyway... I mean, that has been the norm before as far as their friendship has gone. If something does get cooked up, I'll be sure to head it off, tactfully of course.

Here's one for you... I don't think I would ever have to give my wife a divorce even if she wanted one. We are married under common law... but we have a signed contract with each other that's been notarized and recorded in the county courthouse. There would be huge compensation considerations if either one of us broke the contract.

I'm not sure how I talked her into that one.

The problem with these "long-term projects" is that if this nonsense goes on long enough, you will not be able to stand the sight of your wife. She will disgust you, if you have any self-respect or pride left at all.

I'm not saying "do this NOW" or "do that NOW" out of anger or a desire to punish the WS...I'm saying it because the longer you drag this out, the more likely you are to resent her so much that she sickens you, and your recovery will fail, anyway.


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Don't get me wrong ... WW insisting that we attend that party would have been a deal breaker for ME, but roy chose to go, and once they were there, they couldn't "put the toothpaste back in the tube".

So at that point, ONCE HE WAS THERE ANYWAY ... I support him confronting the OM. It appears to me that rb's WW hasn't respected him for some time, and his confrontation with the OM showed her a different side to rb, and she left the party with a positive impression of rb for a change.

If rb was paying attention, he will recognize that his conflict avoiding tendencies got him in this mess, and strong decisive action has now improved his situation. Hopefully, he will recognize the connection and quit conflict avoiding, and actually defend his boundaries going forward. [/quote]

The toothpaste was out of the tube with this party way before my wife even met the OM. I just figured a few uncomfortable hours for me was a lot less hassle than trying to deal with all of my wife's relatives and making my wife explain why she couldn't come to her own party. I never made my wife make that choice. The party is over and done with and my attention is turned to moving forward. Except for this thread, I'm thinking less about the OM myself. I saw him, the mystery is gone, I wasn't really impressed.


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Originally Posted by black_raven
Good grief...you aren't even married?

Blast the fog horn! crazy

Common Law marriage is recognized in the state of Iowa. For my wife and I, it makes it 'lawful' everywhere. The IRS recognizes it. Our place of employment recognizes it. What more do I need? General Questions II forum approval??


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d-day - 12/4/2008
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Her d-day 4/22/2009
Divorcing.
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