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jgirl,

Way to go with exposure. At least someone in your M has a pair at the moment.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Gee! Guess I don't need my ear trumpet turned up to hear this.

Why are you guys so involved in this argument?

What happened to jGirl? ( I am so flaberghasted .sp? by the convo- I forgot her name!

Anyhew- hang on sweetie! Fog always clears. It is where you are standing then that is important! grin


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Originally Posted by PLEASE HELP
***edit***

Suggesting that someone ignore a poster or his non-MB advice is not a personal attack...it's one of the reasons we HAVE the "ignore" feature. wink

Last edited by Maverick_mb; 03/02/09 02:15 PM. Reason: editing quote

Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Originally Posted by black_raven
jgirl,

Way to go with exposure. At least someone in your M has a pair at the moment.

Exactly! Applause from me AGAIN on the exposure!

I am very glad you listened to THAT advice and ignored the OTHER advice.



Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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If you have something constructive or helpful to say to Jgirl123 or mr_fallenhero, please do so. ENOUGH with the in-fighting!

Thank you.

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I did contact Mrs. W & she said she will call me tonight so I am really excited for that. As far as Me & my husband go, we talked on the phone for just a short time & he seemed to be doing ok. I think he is still very foggy, but time does wonders & I am hopeful. I will just keep being as kind as I can be while not smothering him & hope he sees more clearly soon. Me & the kiddo have been trying to stay busy & give him his space at the same time. Thanks again for all of your help everyone. I am grateful!

Jgirl~

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mr FH

"Something else to ponder....
FYI- Straight off the opening forum page..."

When you were a BH crying in your beer you never pulled this one on us.

FH, you've been here long enough to know that many an affair was restarted because the OWH was never told. Exposure is needed to not just end and an affair but to keep it from restarting.

This secret between the OW and OWH will prevent their marriage from ever healing. MB member stories have shown how these secrets only act as a cancer.

Do you think your daughter is stupid?

Do you think your daughter is learning healthy ways to deal with infidelity by your actions?

Don't tell the OM, who died and left you the OWH's boss?

"I suppose it's really easy from behind a keyboard looking"

What's complicated about the truth needs to come out?

****edit****

No more left to tell the OWH?

It is not just about you and your marriage. You put yourself in the OWH's marriage.

I'll say this much for you FH, you are consistent when it comes to choosing to do the wrong thing instead of doing the right thing.

****edit**** You have no problem trying to prevent the OWH from being told the truth.

"ultimate driver for our "marriage" car is God"

FH, isn't great how sinners hide in the bible?

"I also remember that you had no problem telling your then 12 year old dd about her mom's affair...Now that the tables have turned, you feel it's different"

FH, strikes again. Good for FH to expose but not his BW.

"FYI- OWH left me a voice message this evening. He stated death PROMISES over and over.... I called him back and talked with him for a few minutes. Just asked for 30 seconds to talk man to man. I appologized numberous times for what happened. Let him know that me and my wife had already written, signed and sent a promise to never contact his wife or family ever again. It was post marked last week. I encouraged him to focus on his family as I am doing the same.
He surprisingly allowed me to speak, but still made numerous PROMISES against my job and life."

FH, strikes again with a big lie. FH, has been saying no way to telling the OM. Then out of the blue FH states that he sent a NC letter.

What happened the OW was taking her affair to her grave?

"FISH STORY if I ever heard one! "hey wife, you don't have to call the OWH! He knows!! He just called me and gave me death threats! So don't bother calling and exposing me to the OWH!"

Right on.

Jgirl, I could not delete this after I found out you exposed. Good job.

Please help, FH did not come here just as a run of the mill fogged up WH.

FH, was a BS first and a past MB user. FH was acting as any other entitled WH. Please help, you think he needed not to get any 2x4's.?

Well FH knew he was in the wrong from being an MB alumni's. Yet he chose to ignore this.

Last edited by Dufresne; 03/02/09 05:32 PM. Reason: TOS crass and vulgar
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This thread makes my brain hurt, but I think that is due to editing by the mods to remove unecassary or inflamatory coments.

FH, your a wayward man.
Put yourself back in the shoes you where in when you where here before. Dont let the FOG blind you, seek out the lighthouse (your wife)

Burn all bridges to the OW, all of them. Burning every one of them to the ground is the only way to ensure you cant cross them in a moment of weakness.

Your wife cant trust you right now, and if you are honest with yourself, you know you cant trust you either.

Good luck to you both.



Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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thanks again everybody--yes I think my husband is still very foggy. I do understand what he is going thru though. I am trying to get thru this to hopefully save what we have. It is getting tough though. I knew it would. He is not so sure about me posting here anymore, so I may just read stuff from now on, as I hate making him even more angry.

He needs more time to figure junk all out. If he really has started NC, then I am looking at about 6 weeks of this--I am prepared for the worst but hoping for the best. I have come to terms w/ the unknown & I know neither of us will die if we dont make it. I hope we do. I am going to live my life & be the happy person I try to be, hopefully he will want to join me.
thanks again for all your help.

Jgirl

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Originally Posted by jgirl123
I am trying to get thru this to hopefully save what we have.

Aim higher...

I am confident you two are going to do so much more than just saving what you had, you two have the opportunity to finally create something new and better than it's ever been before.

That's what Dazed wanted just a few short years ago and I'm sure he'll want that again real soon.

Remember...feelings follow action. Commit to the steps of recovery and you'll end up there...in time.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Originally Posted by jgirl123
I am trying to get thru this to hopefully save what we have. It is getting tough though. I knew it would. He is not so sure about me posting here anymore, so I may just read stuff from now on, as I hate making him even more angry.
I'm not in your home, and ultimately this is your call to make, JGirl. But please indulge me as I think I am going to explode.

Your WH has betrayed you. Let’s take a look at the facts as of only yesterday:

1.) WH was still lying and misrepresenting to us the reality of events that had happened.

2.) WH is dismissing the infidelity almost as if it was incidental.

3.) WH has been in NC with the OW (whom he still can have work contact with) for all of 4 days? 5 days?

4.) WH refuses to wear his wedding ring. (Your statement two days ago.)

5.) WH is the one who threatened to leave you if you told the BH, something WH KNOWS the founder of MB, Dr. Harley, advocates.

6.) WH is working hard to save his reputation and how he appears to others. I see zero humility among all of this.

7.) WH still works at the same company as the OW.

8.) WH insists his affair be hidden from your 16-year-old daughter, even though Dr. Harley and WH's own actions from the past contradict that.

And yet WH thinks he gets to decide what you do to try to recover from HIS disrespect and shameful choices?

Unbelievable.

I posted to your husband when he first returned here last week. The attitude change from his first post on that first thread to now has me scratching my head. I can only hope that it's because he's in true withrawal.

Your WH jumped on your thread here and displyed LBs up the ying-yang. His IBs (refusing to admit what he had done, insisting that you do not tell OW), dishonesty (positioning it like he confessed based on a couple of notes found when you know this is untrue), AOs (don’t think I need to spell these out), and DJs (his words – “Each time I have been openly honest the truth couldn't be handled.” Who is he to judge what YOU can handle?) If this is how he is here among strangers, I’m worried how he is when it’s just you two and no one else is there to help police him.

Your husband listed all the things he’s doing to repair this. To quote him, “I have taken responsiblity upon myself to confess details, end the affair, write and issue the NC letter, suggest MB weekend workshop, and ask for your's and God's forgiveness.” He’s jumping through the hoops on paper, but his words and actions show me that he thinks of himself as one heck-of-a self-entitled person. And yes, I am only speaking for myself. I am basing my opinions purely on what you and he have chosen to share here. I promise I do not mean to offend you, JGirl. But I have to speak.

I read this from you yesterday, JGirl: “I just wanted to get my points in there that I really am TRYING to work this all out- I feel like the work has been one sided but I do realize that this all takes time & I have been there---as my husband kept reminding me that he has done so little compared to everything I did to him in the past--to him, this seemed like nothing--it was so minimal compared to the horrible acts I did. He is right--I am awful for doing what I did when I had an affair & I will never forgive myself.” This really pi**es me off. I mean, really.

Two things… First, who the heck is he to compare affairs? Who is this guy to position himself as superior to you? And secondly, why are you doing most of the work here? He’s written an NC letter to a woman he can contact through work at a moment’s notice. Is that supposed to be construed as working to save a M? Your statement reads to me that WH isn’t meeting your ENs. He’s in withdrawal and he’s taking it out on you with AOs, DJs, IBs, dishonesty, and perhaps more LBs. You feel awful for what you did three years ago. That’s good. You need to remember how that feels so you keep your EPs in place and don’t repeat that. My question to you is where are his “awful” feelings? Where is his true remorse? What is he doing so that this recovery is not one-sided on your part? Note I didn’t ask, “What is he saying,” but, “What is he doing to show you he’s sorry?"

Has he given you his list of EPs?

Is he being completely tranparant?

Has he had an STD test and shown you the results?

Does he report in with you everywhere he goes?

Does he practice POJA?

You had an affair a few years ago. Perhaps the two of you didn’t heal from that as you should have. But he has NO right to use that as justification for what he has done. Absolutely NONE.

Seriously… Do you feel safe in this? Look again at the list I’ve provided for you of what mr_fallenhero has done in just the last few days. Is this someone who is really looking out for YOU? For the M? For his family?

Read your WH’s posts on this thread. It is almost ALL about him. How he doesn’t want to be exposed. How the children shouldn’t be told (these are YOUR children too, JGirl) when he felt differently a few years ago when he was the BS, how he will not quit his job… Where among all of his words is his guilt? Where is his shame? Where is there ANY regard for you and trying to help you deal with this devastating information and disrespectful treatment? It’s as if one day you confronted him. He said, “Yes I had an affair. I’ll write an NC letter and that’ll be it. Case closed. Move on.” HE HAS BEEN THERE and it’s as if he is minimalizing his betrayal because oops! This time it was he who did the lying! Who is this person to tell you what YOU are to do to help YOU recover from this?

I am a FWW and I’m appalled at how he is trying to run this supposed recovery – or perhaps a better way of putting it is that he’s trying to run this “show”. Because based on the illustration I’ve drawn from all the posts is that this is a show to him.

Two days ago your WH wrote here: “btw- I suggested my wife come to MB. NO SECRETS...RIGHT... She has read my post and has asked me to read hers. Were you suggesting we shouldn't be doing so? Hmmmmm....” You should not be reading each others’ threads at this point. I doubt you’ll be able to keep him away since he allegedly likes to control things and he’s also proven to still be lying, but if you can, encourage him to stay away from you thread. He should be using his energy to either post on his own thread or to do some soul-searching as to how he’s going to do WHAT YOU NEED HIM TO DO to help you and the family get through this. And if he makes any comments about what is written here on your thread, you’ll know that once again, he has disrespected you and your wishes.

You mentioned that you’re not sure he’s going to still want to go to the MB weekend now. I strongly encourage you to go by yourself then, if that’s the case. I’ve never been to one so I’m speaking only from what I’ve read here. My understanding is they can be very helpful. And if nothing more, it’ll get you out of the house for a couple of days.

K… I have to stop writing. I am getting more and more upset and now I’m rambling on uselessly. PUH-LEAZE, JGirl. Do not stop sharing with us. Do not stay away. Do not let your H determine what YOU need to get through this. Please get help everywhere you can including family, friends, independent counseling, books, MB, anything… I'm glad you have Mrs. W to talk with too. You need to call the shots for yourself.

Please take care. And know there are many here who are pulling for you and for your H.

Last edited by Looking4; 03/03/09 02:31 PM. Reason: Added #8 to list and corrected OMs to OWs.

Me (FWW): 45
BH: 46
M: 11/94
PA: 2/08 (4 mos)
Confessed: 10/08
DS10
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Jgirl,

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to show my support for your situation.

I was also a WW who reconciled and then my H started his own affair a year later.

Your WH reminds me so much of my exH after D-day, the spewing of toxic sewage... Wow, brings back memories.

It makes me wonder if it is different for a WS who was once a BS, in that they KNOW the devastation first hand.

Be well, I am rooting for you both.


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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JGIRL,

How did it go yesterday?

Good Luck and Prayers Frank

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hi all--thanks again to all of you who are posting & pulling for us. My husband is really confused, I cant blame him. I am confused too. Things are weird, I am hoping something good can come from all this. He is too. Daughter is doing ok, trying to stay busy & stuff. Yesterday was better. He has a lot going on in his head. I want to help him & be on his side, but I will let him tell me when & if he is ready for that.
Taking it day by day, not thinking to much about the future as I have no idea what the future holds anymore.
I still can not stress how thankful I am to people for posting. I know it sucks to talk about all your personal junk & bring it all back up.
Later-

Jgirl

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jgirl

Has OW or OWH tried to make contact today?

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Thinking of you, JGirl.

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Wondering how you're doing, JGirl.


Me (FWW): 45
BH: 46
M: 11/94
PA: 2/08 (4 mos)
Confessed: 10/08
DS10
DD8
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Did we lose you, Jgirl?

If you're reading but choosing not to post for whatever reasons, I hope you're able to gain from others' threads to help you through this very difficult time.

Please take care of yourself.


Me (FWW): 45
BH: 46
M: 11/94
PA: 2/08 (4 mos)
Confessed: 10/08
DS10
DD8
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Hi all...

I spoke with Dazed the other day and he told me they had MC all week this week and were going to Retrouvaille marriage weekend this weekend....

I hope they don't get mad since they didn't post this...I just know there are a lot of people rooting for them....

So this is the weekend to PRAY for them. How about we light a candle for them this weekend? We did this many years ago and got candles lit all over the world...I know the weekend is here and it's slow but for those who are here.

Frank lighting a candle in New Hampshire....

ANYONE ELSE?

Come on.... lets light it up for them!!! hurray

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Gabrielle lights a candle in Ireland..... pray


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2 kids S 20 and D 16
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