I am trying to get thru this to hopefully save what we have. It is getting tough though. I knew it would. He is not so sure about me posting here anymore, so I may just read stuff from now on, as I hate making him even more angry.
I'm not in your home, and ultimately this is your call to make, JGirl. But please indulge me as I think I am going to explode.
Your WH has betrayed you. Let’s take a look at the facts as of only yesterday:
1.) WH was still lying and misrepresenting to us the reality of events that had happened.
2.) WH is dismissing the infidelity almost as if it was incidental.
3.) WH has been in NC with the OW (whom he still can have work contact with) for all of 4 days? 5 days?
4.) WH refuses to wear his wedding ring. (Your statement two days ago.)
5.) WH is the one who threatened to leave you if you told the BH, something WH KNOWS the founder of MB, Dr. Harley, advocates.
6.) WH is working hard to save his
reputation and how he appears to others. I see zero humility among all of this.
7.) WH still works at the same company as the OW.
8.) WH insists his affair be hidden from your 16-year-old daughter, even though Dr. Harley and WH's own actions from the past contradict that.And yet WH thinks he gets to decide what you do to try to recover from HIS disrespect and shameful choices?
I posted to your husband when he first returned here last week. The attitude change from his first post on that first thread to now has me scratching my head. I can only hope that it's because he's in true withrawal.
Your WH jumped on your thread here and displyed LBs up the ying-yang. His IBs (refusing to admit what he had done, insisting that you do not tell OW), dishonesty (positioning it like he confessed based on a couple of notes found when you know this is untrue), AOs (don’t think I need to spell these out), and DJs (his words – “Each time I have been openly honest the truth couldn't be handled.” Who is he to judge what YOU can handle?) If this is how he is here among strangers, I’m worried how he is when it’s just you two and no one else is there to help police him.
Your husband listed all the things he’s doing to repair this. To quote him, “I have taken responsiblity upon myself to confess details, end the affair, write and issue the NC letter, suggest MB weekend workshop, and ask for your's and God's forgiveness.” He’s jumping through the hoops on paper, but his words and actions show me that he thinks of himself as one heck-of-a self-entitled person. And yes, I am only speaking for myself. I am basing my opinions purely on what you and he have chosen to share here. I promise I do not mean to offend you, JGirl. But I have to speak.
I read this from you yesterday, JGirl: “I just wanted to get my points in there that I really am TRYING to work this all out- I feel like the work has been one sided
but I do realize that this all takes time & I have been there---as my husband kept reminding me that he has done so little compared to everything I did to him in the past--to him, this seemed like nothing--it was so minimal compared to the horrible acts I did.
He is right--I am awful for doing what I did when I had an affair & I will never forgive myself.” This really
pi**es me off. I mean, really
Two things… First, who the heck is he to compare affairs? Who is this guy to position himself as superior to you? And secondly, why are you doing most of the work here? He’s written an NC letter to a woman he can contact through work at a moment’s notice. Is that supposed to be construed as working to save a M? Your statement reads to me that WH isn’t meeting your ENs. He’s in withdrawal and he’s taking it out on you with AOs, DJs, IBs, dishonesty, and perhaps more LBs. You feel awful for what you did three years ago. That’s good. You need to remember how that feels so you keep your EPs in place and don’t repeat that. My question to you is where are his “awful” feelings? Where is his true remorse? What is he doing
so that this recovery is not one-sided on your part? Note I didn’t ask, “What is he saying
,” but, “What is he doing
to show you he’s sorry?"
Has he given you his list of EPs?
Is he being completely tranparant?
Has he had an STD test and shown you the results?
Does he report in with you everywhere he goes?
Does he practice POJA?
You had an affair a few years ago. Perhaps the two of you didn’t heal from that as you should have. But he has NO right to use that as justification for what he has done. Absolutely NONE.
Seriously… Do you feel safe in this? Look again at the list I’ve provided for you of what mr_fallenhero has done in just the last few days. Is this someone who is really looking out for YOU? For the M? For his family?
Read your WH’s posts on this thread. It is almost ALL about him. How he doesn’t want to be exposed. How the children shouldn’t be told (these are YOUR children too, JGirl) when he felt differently a few years ago when he was the BS, how he will not quit his job… Where among all of his words is his guilt? Where is his shame? Where is there ANY regard for you and trying to help you deal with this devastating information and disrespectful treatment? It’s as if one day you confronted him. He said, “Yes I had an affair. I’ll write an NC letter and that’ll be it. Case closed. Move on.” HE HAS BEEN THERE and it’s as if he is minimalizing his betrayal because oops! This time it was he who did the lying! Who is this person to tell you what YOU are to do to help YOU recover from this?
I am a FWW and I’m appalled at how he is trying to run this supposed recovery – or perhaps a better way of putting it is that he’s trying to run this “show”. Because based on the illustration I’ve drawn from all the posts is that this is a show to him.
Two days ago your WH wrote here: “btw- I suggested my wife come to MB. NO SECRETS...RIGHT... She has read my post and has asked me to read hers. Were you suggesting we shouldn't be doing so? Hmmmmm....” You should not be reading each others’ threads at this point. I doubt you’ll be able to keep him away since he allegedly likes to control things and he’s also proven to still be lying, but if you can, encourage him to stay away from you thread. He should be using his energy to either post on his own thread or to do some soul-searching as to how he’s going to do WHAT YOU NEED HIM TO DO to help you and the family get through this. And if he makes any comments about what is written here on your thread, you’ll know that once again, he has disrespected you and your wishes.
You mentioned that you’re not sure he’s going to still want to go to the MB weekend now. I strongly encourage you to go by yourself then, if that’s the case. I’ve never been to one so I’m speaking only from what I’ve read here. My understanding is they can be very helpful. And if nothing more, it’ll get you out of the house for a couple of days.
K… I have to stop writing. I am getting more and more upset and now I’m rambling on uselessly. PUH-LEAZE, JGirl. Do not stop sharing with us. Do not stay away. Do not let your H determine what YOU need to get through this. Please get help everywhere you can including family, friends, independent counseling, books, MB, anything… I'm glad you have Mrs. W to talk with too. You need to call the shots for yourself.
Please take care. And know there are many here who are pulling for you and for your H.