Is it legally (not morally) considered adultery if there was no sex. I would make him testify, and I would have all the cell phone records I need to show how long it went on. I wish I had been aware enough, not so naive, to have all the emails I sent and saw. A lot of them could get me in trouble, though. I broke the law to read them.

Just thinking ahead, preparing for the worst. Much of what I read in the fall was because I was able to read her work emails from home. Her work is a place that I suspect would have to keep all the emails archived. Would I be able to get those by a subpoena if it became necessary, as long as it was specifically emails between those two and no confidential information was contained. How about his personal email account he sent them from. Are those available.

I have to be honest, this is really wearing me down, I wonder if it is worth it. I do really care about her, but wonder why right now. She seems to not care about me at all. I am very tired inside.

This is all hypothetical so don't get bogged down in irrelevant details. Just let her know you will not cooperate and will fight any legal action with the full force of the law. If she thinks you will make it easy on her, she will be more inclined to go that route. So, do your best to scare the bejeesus out of her.. Got it??

Yes, it is worth it. And I know you are tired. But you have just won a huge battle and now have CHANCE. It is too early to give up.

Thanks, that is what I felt, I think. But this really blows.

Some more advice needed. I keep thinking of all these things, but I don't really believe I can make the wisest decisions at present.

I am tempted to send OM a message encouraging him to make sure all contact is ended and his exit from town is hastily achieved, otherwise he may have to decide if it is as easy to lie under oath in a courtroom as it was to a group of deacons and if he would like the cell records and emails to become part of the record.

Should I do something like this.

I still am waiting to let his wife know what I know, can't make the connection yet.

Herb - there is a 5% or less chance she hasn't had sex with OM.

I think that the deacons acted improperly if there was not sufficient evidence. Biblically two people needs to text against him. You will need to have funds to get recordings of the texts. Once these have been obtained, recontact the deacons. They are obliged to make proper judgement when the facts are presented.

If they don't, publish abroard!

Kill two birds with one stone: Once you inform his wife about what you know, she will likely want to access those e-mails from his personal e-mail account herself.

Bird one--inform OM's BW so she knows what is going on in her own life and marriage
Bird two--she will start snooping and help to ensure no contact. She may also have some thoughts on her husband's deacon meeting. Those deacons may also be gathering information themselves.

Like Mel said, stick to the here and now and your Plan.

herb,

In all honesty ... you have to be WILLING to help YOURSELF before any advice you receive will do any good.

Let's review what we know:

* Your WW had an A with your pastor.
* You are terrified of your WW.
* You have only made one half-hearted attempt at exposure to deacons, who really aren't involved in your personal life.
* You drove right past the church, when a deacons meeting was occurring, rather than confront all of them directly.

Look ... I used to get really angry with weak BH's that wouldn't stand up for themselves. Now, I try to see first if the BH has ANY ability to stand up for themselves before I bring out the 2x4's. Sadly, most of the time anymore, the 2x4's remain in their place and I just go about my business rather than try to make chicken salad out of chicken shi!t.

The cold hard facts are that MORE THAN LIKELY your WW had sex with the preacher. If that won't stir you to action, I'm afraid that there's not much an anonymous message board can do for you.

Personally, I would expect "righteous indignation" from a BH in your circumstances, followed by a story of how you kicked in the preacher's office door at the church, right before you put the real "fear of God" in him should he ever sniff around your WW again. The whole church would have been exposed at that point when the "right Reverend" had to explain to the congregation, deacons and his own W just why this crazy man kicked in his door and made him soil himself.

Then when your WW heard of what happened and got angry, I'd expect that same "righteous indignation" to prop you up, while you stand your ground and explain to her EXACTLY who and what CAUSED you to reach this level of "rigtheous indignation".

However, instead you cower from your WW's misplaced anger, while you wait on others (the deacons) to do your work for you.

Really ... you are one of about a half dozen "whipped" active BH's on MB right now, who refuse to make a decision, take a stand, or defend their boundaries with their WW's.

All of them have potentially salvageable situations, but NONE will likely ever be in a satisfying and fulfilling relationship.

I heard an observation a few months ago from Dr. Laura, of all people, that seems to be pertinent to your situation:


"American women have been systematically emasculating their husbands, and then using that as an excuse to leave them."

Think about that tonight!!!

Well I know that is the opinion here, but I read a lot of things for months, some she sent to friends, some to him. I have seen nothing to make me think that anything physical (by that I mean sex) occurred. Makes me feel better, but doesn't really change anything.

MyRevelation, what do you really think.

herb,

You might not like what I have to say, but you will always get it "straight" from me.

One thing I've learned in life is to not discount the experience of others who have travelled a path before me.

You can try to skate by with a glib little reply like the one above, but the FACTS haven't changed one bit.

There are people here who can help you "IF" you are willing to help yourself ... YOU MAKE THE CALL!!!

Well, I've told my kids, her folks, my folks, his bosses, as soon as his wife reads her email or I can find her at home she will know. He is under scrutiny, even more when his wife knows. I will encourage her to tell his D, her parents and his parents. I have no way of finding them. My wife is mortified that the people that have been informed know.

It's pretty easy to say just tell everyone, damn all the consequences, from an anonymous message board, as you say.

Your point is taken.

Herb, you are doing just great and don't let anyone [except me! ] tell you otherwise! Don't let the hothead contingent bother you. Hot air does not equal big man. Just put him on ignore or notify the mods.

You are doing everything you should be doing at this point.

What do you think the OMW knows about the affair?

I think she believes that it ended last August. I believe he told her my wife was too involved, and he stopped it. I know that is obviously not true. He is a trained counselor, he would know not to respond if that was the case. I talked to one of my friends who is one of the deacons involved, they don't really believe him, but with no more evidence than I had, they did not act, but he knows they are watching.

It is easy to say don't worry if your kids have to be part of a citywide scandal and undergo what they would have to.

She came by tonight. I told her my position, that if she wanted to come home and commit to working on our marriage then good, but if not, she could stay gone. She told me that she was coming home, but it would be a business arrangement, I could sleep wherever I wanted except in our bed. I told her I would be sleeping in the bed.

She was pretty mad. I guess she will be home, I can't lock her out. She'll probably lock me out of the bedroom.

A friend of ours father passed away, she and DD went to visitation, I went later. I told her that I did not want to be in a casket someday and go there knowing that I did not do everything to fight for her, that she was worth fighting for and worth loving.

It seems most of her anger is at the fact that I abandoned her emotionally for years (which I see is true) and now think that she should just love me again. That is not what I think, I know there is a lot of work to do, but she has not let very much go so far.

But there was no talk of going to court, although once when I told her I was not leaving, she said I would if we sell the house, I said I guess we both would.

DD is going to stay with her tonight. They were about to leave but American Idol was still on so they stayed to see the end of it. Wife was fighting back tears. I don't know what that means.

No most of her anger is because you interfered with her affair.

Yeah, I know you are right. But she does have some legitimate beefs, if we ever get far enough to address them.

So she probably has no idea at whatsoever that there was an affair. Likely, this snake told her your W was a nutjob who was pursuing him.

What is your evidence of the affair? If the church deacons did not believe it, can you go to a higher board?