I hope this silence does not mean you have caved on some other issue, HERB!!!???

HERB??? silence is not golden in your case, Mister!! Come back here and give us an update! If you have moved out or something to "give her space," then Lord help you when I find you!!

I swear, you men are wearing me down!

That is correct - there is not a pillow that stops apnea.

Herb, I've been reading your thread with interest, and am rooting for you, albeit quietly... I don't usually comment unless I have something to offer.

That said, there are other things that you can do- to improve your sleep and your snoring... a win/win. Ask your doctor.

(I work in a sleep disorders lab; you wouldn't believe the difference treatment can make.)

All the best, Nicki

I totally agree - if he has sleep apnea it needs to be treated and it can be treated. Untreated it is life threatening.

Hey, just been busy, kids are in, yard work, etc.

About the snoring, I don't think it is sleep apnea. At least when I am at a more healthy weight like now. My wife is a nurse by trade, she has never said anything to that effect. But I have a brother that has become very obese and he uses the breathing mask, I forget what it is called. My father is a heavy snorer, but I think alcohol had a lot to do with that. I really don't know what the extent of the problem would be. I will use the strips and spray, but I believe they are limited. From what I have read, there are mouth pieces and other things, but the effectiveness is hit or miss.

As far as things here, not much change. I think she is still feeling the effects of the exposure, with all the kids being home. She feels on the defensive and alone, hasn't been much I can do about it. She feels under the microscope, but that is what she should feel for a while I think.

I have not left or anything. She has commented that I am not acting the same, but I think I have overdone it a little. It still has only been a little over a week. Just kind of riding this weekend out. A lot going on.

What I tell her is that my goal is not to stay married to her, it is to have a marriage. I want to figure out the things that made her fall for me and figure out the things that made her fall away from me. I think in some ways they may be the same thing. Being easygoing and accepting can morph into distant and indifferent if you don't watch it. But all in all, I am not discouraged.

We mostly have to learn to communicate in a better way. Besides loving her, I do really like her and learned to accept her, maybe I accepted to easily.

We will have Easter dinner at her folks tomorrow.

Never succeeded in contacting OMW. She should get my messages Monday. I hope she contacts me afterwords.

We went to an Easter play Friday night. Keeps things in perspective.

Thanks for the encouragement. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and was going to ask, but forgot.

Herb - You probably need a sleep study to determine if you have apnea. You should discuss your snoring with your doctor.

Hey, not much to report.

Easter went ok. The girls and I went to church with my mother at the church I grew up in. Everyone was tickled to see how much the girls have grown up. It meets earlier than normal. so we were back before 11. W had already gone to her parents. Had a nice meal. We had every yard game we owned out, so we played washers, cornhole, and hillbilly golf for a while (if you don't know, they all involve tossing something at a target, a variation of horseshoes). Wife and I were right by each other a lot. She seemed to have fun as the day went on.

Nothing great, nothing bad.

Last night after I posted, we ended up talking a lot. We are still very early in the process, and we had grown pretty distant, I can see. I really believe she is hesitant to believe she can trust her heart to me because I did not take care of it before. I stayed calm and just emphasized how I knew it was a pretty steep climb ahead, but it is worth it. There is real hurt in her voice, and I can't deny it was there before any of the things that got mt here happened,

I am trusting that it is still the withdrawal talking. I pray that there is a shred of attachment left when we can really start to repair all the past damages.

The OMW should get my emails tomorrow, unless they are blocked. I will ask her to respond to see if she got them. I sure hope she sees the need to do everything she can to get him out of town.

My D14 that has been involved so much in the youth group said today that she doesn't want to go there anymore, either.

Herb's Lessons Learned

i did not hear anything from OMW this morning. I hope she read them when she got to school. I sent another message asking for a reply.

I hope she doesn't have her head in the sand about this. She has more at stake than I do, honestly.

If I don't receive at least a reply, I will have to figure out a way to make sure she gets my stuff. I don't really know how that will come about, at the moment.

Made appointment for tomorrow to discuss snoring and sleep test.

Are there some pointers anyone can give me to help me keep from getting so down. Nothing has happened to make things any worse. I just go through periods where I get very down in the dumps. Now is one of them.

It has only been 10 days since I brought things to a head, so W and I are still in a holding pattern most of the time. Slowly the communication seems to be opening up, but probably more my wishful thinking.

Back in the days before I fully realized the score, she asked me to move out, it was the last part of August 08. Of course I did, not understanding anything. She told me about the relationship, and at the time I think it was in a period where they were trying to stop. She told me a lot at that time. But I basically fell apart, started clinging for all I was worth. Was pointed to some good resources, including the book "Love Must Be Tough" that got me to stop that. But I was in a state of ignorance/misunderstanding/denial until I came to this site and started to see clearly. So even though it has only been a few days since things had a chance to be different, I have been ****ed-up for a long time.

I would love to have a good feeling again.

Reminds me of the old Jerry Clower story when the guy was up a tree fighting with a lynx. He finally told his friend, "Just shoot up here amongst us, one of us has got to get some relief."

Herb's Lessons Learned

I am sorry, Herb. There is no way to make you feel good again this soon. It will come again, though, I promise.

I don't know how to feel better either. I get so sad daily. I have been working Plan A, but he doesn't even talk to me unless it's about our girls. He filed for divorce a month ago and is having an affair with a co-worker. I don't know how to get the pain to stop. My H says that they have something we've "never had". I get so afraid that the affair won't ever end. I got the book Surviving an Affair and have been reading it, but he is so NOT ready to end it with the OW. Good luck to you and take care of yourself.

Have you followed the advice on here and exposed it to everyone that matters. I never had a chance until I did.

Here is my story of before I came here and read and what I found out. Herb's Lessons Learned

needhelp, I just read your other thread and have to tell you that you are making a HUGE STRATEGIC mistake by not exposing your H and his Ho to their employer and to the licensing board. You are enabling their affair at your own expense.

There is absolutely NO LEGAL REASON why you can't expose that affair; that is ludicrous. The OW in your case is a psychiatrist and she could be in big trouble for her affair.

Your atty's only goal is to faciliatate an AMICABLE divorce and she doesn't give a rats [censored] about saving your marriage. Exposing it may very well save your marriage. Here is what Dr Harley, a CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, has to say about it:

Dr. Harley: I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."

<snip unrelated>

"When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."

Wife called a couple of times this afternoon. I think some things are starting to become clear to her. Youngest daughter evidently sent her an email letting her know how hurt she was. Also, sometime she has told her that she would like to attend the youth activities at church, she really likes the youth pastor, but she does not want to go to church with OMP (I made up a new one, Other Man Pastor). Told wife that that was a consequence of what happened. But she is feeling the results of her fantasy now.

She did say that I did not do anything wrong by exposing it, she was wrong, she just doesn't think I should have brought the kids into it (of course). But they were all ready in it, obviously. I don't know how many times the last few months she accused me of trying to get the kids on my side, they kept saying she wasn't trying, now they know why.

I believe that the exposure to the kids was the flaming arrow to the heart of the affair. They do mean everything in the world to her. I tell her that there is a lot of hurt, but it can be healed.

But each time it seems as though a little more of the wall may be coming down. I just don't really know how thick it is. I hope my tools are sharp enough, or that I get to use them again.

One of the hardest things my wife had to come to terms with was the effect of her affair on our kids.

My youngest son and OM's youngest son were like blood brothers and we separated them permanently. There were HUGE consequences for our kids.

OM was our then next door neighbour.

This too will pass Herb.

Good for you- both the appointment and your diligence with followup w/ omw.

Very good Herb. This will help immeasurably in your recovery. You need to soberly examine your marriage and examine reasons why you drifted apart. YOu have to fix your part of the conditions that made your wife ripe for an affair.

Ah yes - I rememer wishful thinking. Patience Herb. It will take your wife maybe 6-8 weeks or longer to withdraw. Did you read my post about withdrawal above? It's the truth.

This is possibly the hardest it will be at the moment but it will pass. Your wife will start to come to terms with what she has done and it won't be pretty.