yes. The most valuable thing is the perspective one gets on here, the ability for you guys to look back from personal experience and from observing countless sad souls like me. It is impossible for me to see outside of where I am now without it.

If there is one thing I can say, over the last months I have looked at everything in my life and did not like what I saw. I am committed to being a better husband than I was, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I need for her to see I care about things, our physical possessions, my responsibilities, and mostly her.


I have been doing that as well, I know I will get through. But I have to admit, I would like God to tell me that it will be like I want it. But, I know that I can't fathom his will, just look to follow it.

If you can link me to the sermon, I will listen. I will send you an email.

I really need this place, gives me an area that I can just get thoughts off my chest. I see that about 40% of the posts to my thread are from me. But that is less than half, could be worse. 100% of my posts are to this thread, except for 1 to another thread I started. I read a lot of the others, but all I could add is "Me, too."

I am running into the same wall as a lot of others I read. The "you are focusing on this, but you don't get that I begged and begged you for years and you just walked away, I don't know that I can get past that."

I do get it, I want to give more.

I think I am not confident that I can offer enough that she will want to try. This has made me very doubtful of what I have to offer. Not so much the affair, but what I see in looking back with different eyes.

It still amazes me I let it get to the point it did. I really wanted more, so did she.

All I have to hang on to is that there seems to be some real hurt over the past, and that may mean that deep down somewhere it still means something, or it wouldn't hurt.

Just searching for something to hold on to to keep from sinking.

Please, keep me from giving up.

Just got message from OMW, information received.

Now that part is up to her, but she knows what I know.

I would put a smiley up, but none of this makes me very happy.

I think that you are really on the right track with your insights:
I agree, she should feel under the microscope.
Your statement about being easy going and accepting morphing into distant and indifferent is in my mind huge and great that you have that insight so soon after the shock and horror of her affair.
I think that your statement about accepting her too easily may be very connected to the morphing statement.

Sleep study scheduled for next Wed. night.

Herb,

She's holding onto what a bad guy you were because that is how she justifies what she has done. That's what makes her entitled to have had an affair. If she gives up holding onto what a bad husband you were then she will have to face head-on what she has done. She will have to own it 100%. She's not there yet. Hopefully, she will get there but it will probably take a while and alot of soul searching on her part. Some IC would be really helpful in my opinion.

Don't buy into this line of thinking. It's all a bunch of crappola!! You may have been completely unplugged, disconnected, whatever but it doesn't justify her having an affair. You own 50% of the marital problems before the affair but she owns the other 50% and she own 100% of her choice to have an affair. Don't let her off on the hook on that one.

Mindshare

I doubt there has ever been a WS who has not said this!

Yes. Don't listen to all that except that it is the usual blah, blah, blah. I am just very impressed with your insights into how you will Plan A to be a better man.

I believe I am like many others on here that think what they are experiencing is unique, when sadly it is so pervasive that I suspect I could be handed a script of what is coming.

It is hard accept that I will become a much better man and love my wife more than ever (that Love Dare thing has had that effect on me)and still have no guarantees.

I was reading on another thread about the problem with living in the past or building the future in your mind (boy, have I done that, thinking every holiday, birthday, anniversary, surely this will be over by then)rather than taking it day by day. I have to really watch it to stay focused on fighting the good fight.

How is she, Herb? What was her reaction? Did she even know about the affair? '

I completely understand what you mean when you say none of this makes you happy. It is heartbreaking.

She did not respond other than to my request to let me know if she got it so I could quit trying to take it to her personally.

I really don't know how much she knew, I doubt very much. I did her a disservice by the way I handled things.

I filled in the blanks as best I could in my messages and let her know the seriousness of it the best I could, gave her my number to call.

Just an update. Nothing to update really. Wife had to work last night (yes, I am sure), didn't get home until almost 10. She came in, I fixed her something to eat, and she actually stayed downstairs for quite a while. It was actually killing me, I was so sleepy. I have gotten used to going to bed early, the sooner I could go to sleep, the sooner I could quit thinking about everything. Conversation was fine, no issues. D14 came down, we talked about American Idol some. She told me she thought I was jumping the gun on the sleep study. I can take that in many ways, so I will just not try to figure out what it means.

She asked me not to push, but not in a especially negative way. It is easy to forget that she needs time to withdraw. Not quite 2 weeks so far. If we are halfway down that road yet, we will be lucky.

Herb, are you sleeping in your own bed in your bedroom? Where does she sleep?

Still sleeping in separate beds. She is in main bedroom.

I know, I know.

I realize I am going against the advice on here in this area. I forced the issue last week and it just doesn't seem the right thing to do yet. I am struggling in this area. We have discussed it a lot.

I am the one who abandoned it to start, I feel. Seems like a bullying tactic now to force it.

Says who?

It seems to me that you are the one being bullied.

Maybe so. I can't really see clearly from the inside sometimes.

You know, Herb, this is a huge strategic mistake that is going to delay your recovery. Sleeping apart is a major reason your marriage has come to this horrible place and more of the same will not help. Your marriage is in major transition right now and it is going to create MORE problems if you don't stop sleeping elsewhere. You might as well just move in there now while you are both in a state of upheaval rather than have to deal with ANOTHER upheaval in the near future.


It would be a bullying tactic for her to not allow you to sleep in your bed. It is not bullying to go sleep in your bed.

Please listen to the advice Melody is offering. Face the conflict now and begin creating the marriage you and your wife want.