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Hey why not give this woman a divorce!!!????

She really wants one!

Give her what she wants!!!!!

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Good points and of course it's Monc's decision, ultimately. I still vote for him going into Plan B so he isn't bombarded with such vicious diatribe.

This line, though:

Quote:
rather than endlessly pursuing me and thinking that all you have to do is talk me into staying trapped with you


She feels manipulated by him with Plan A. I believe he's mentioned that before, some months back.

Charlotte

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I know I haven't been posting on your thread MONC but before I didn't have much to say. But after reading that letter I'd like to tell you that you deserve better than that, than her. Its hard to get past the pain that she has inflicted upon you, but you need to see that you are an incredible person. You need to see that she obviously didn't appreciate you for who you are. If she did she wouldn't be so hateful.

Did she send this as an email or written letter? Either way I would make sure there is one copy on file for your divorce just to show her way of thinking. And I would take the original or a printed version if its email and have yourself a barbecue. Take all the precautions of course, but burn the letter, it will release so much tension you won't even believe it.

I don't know if it would be worth it to try and save any thing with your marriage, but if you do divorce don't give her the divorce on her terms. She's the one that hurt you, don't give her exactly what she wants. I know she said she doesn't want anything in the divorce other than away from you, but that doesn't mean you have to do it on her terms. Start doing things for yourself. Be true to who you are!!

Last edited by GoddessLacey; 05/01/09 12:13 PM. Reason: forgot a word
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Dearest Monc;

If I write the most mean, hateful, disgusting letter to you, then you will:

1. Give me everything I want.
2. Leave me alone.
3. Stop Plan A'ing me.
4. Stop making me look at my betrayal in the face.

How has your most recent conversation with the OM Mother gone?

I would send her a copy of her letter, and state, that this is what her son has pushed your wife to do.

But, whatever.

LG

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Hi Monc!

My BS is on this site (want2stay) and showed me the last couple pages of your thread. I don't know your whole sitch, and I've never posted to you, but I just wanted to chime in with some things that may help concerning the email from your wife.

First, I agree with many who have said that a short marriage with no children is the toughest type of recovery. When there are ties that bind (in a good way) other than just a marriage license, it gives the WS and the BS a little more to hang onto when things get this bad.

However, being a FWW myself, I can tell you that while I never wrote anything that blatantly vicious, that email is NOTHING BUT FOG BABBLE! Let's break it down...

The thing that stuck out like a sore thumb to me was the fact that since you DON'T have children and she obviously makes her own money, etc...she would be "free" of you like she swears she wants in a New York minute if she were 100% committed to being rid of you and moving on with her life. Seriously- WHY would she be begging and whining for you to "let her go" and blah blah blah? WHY wouldn't she just get a lawyer, file for divorce, and if need be (ie- you were really "stalking" her or harassing her) get a RO on you and MOVE ON already!

WHY? Because she IS NOT 100% committed to leaving you! Because she is writhing in her own self-inflicted misery! Because if you were a good husband and have done a good Plan A (and BTW- the fact that she feels "manipulated" by your Plan A MEANS IT'S WORKING!!!!!!) then she has no "good" reason for doing what she has done. Let me clarify that statement- there is never a GOOD reason for having an A, I'm just trying see things the way she probably does. She feels guilty and rages against that guilt by raging at you. You are the source of her turmoil in that she is looking for someone (other than herself) to blame for the mess and pain she has caused.

This is all very painful, and you have every right to be "done" at any time, but if you have done a good Plan A, then you MUST do a good Plan B before calling it quits. Plan A is agony, but Plan B is for YOU to heal, to find calm, to find things that make you happy and shut her our completely. I think, just from reading the last couple pages of your thread, that she may come to a completely different conclusion than her email suggests (provided you decide to take her back and work on the M at that point).

Honestly, if you have put the work and effort into Plan A, and then go straight to a D without at least trying Plan B for even a few weeks, then all that time spent suffering through Plan A was for nothing!! Plan B is necessary in most cases to snap the waywayd out of their nonsense, and yet most people either can't or won't do it, and when they do, they half-arse it by letting the WS get their little fixes here and there (phone calls, IMs, emails, etc) which renders Plan B worthless.

SO, my advice is to go dark and stay dark until she makes serious concessions or one of you decides to file for a D. Write a GREAT Plan B letter with Mark's help (he's awesome, isn't he!) and then POOF- go dark. Her email is total fogged-out BS (and I don't mean betrayed spouse!). If you get a chance, read the link in my sig line "Inside the Wayward Mind." Maybe that will help you understand her silly brain a little better so that you can brush off her ridiculous rants a little easier.

I wish you luck!


Peace,
LaLa

FWW(me) 37
BS 38
DS 9 & 5
PA 7/06-8/06
Dday 2/17/07

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Thank you LaLa...

Just what was needed here.

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resonance

great answer

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"I think, just from reading the last couple pages of your thread, that she may come to a completely different conclusion than her email suggests (provided you decide to take her back and work on the M at that point)"

What conclusion do you mean she would make?

She already filed for divorce. She wants me to sign the papers that she presented me. I filed back for Adultery. Dr. Harley said he applauds that because it shows her I will only be pushed out of this marriage.

LaLa, I've actually read your Inside the Mind once before, it's been a while. It was a good refresher. I generally just take what she says and ignore it. Mark actually explained how that works and figured I apparently do that on my own. Which is a good thing because most of the pain has gone right over my head.

She yells and thrashes wanting to know why I'm punishing her... Offers all her money and more but doesn't push the divorce she filed.


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It sounds like you have a good plan going Monc. Stay strong and keep remembering that you deserve better. You are a strong guy, stay that way!!

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So that e-mail I posted above...on her blog the same day she posted essentially(not quoted),

"I didn't call him today and ask him over even though I wanted too. We probably would have just fought or had pitty sex, or both. I'm really proud of myself for not calling."

Yea. I know...wow.

six weeks ago she had posted about being sad that she is alone and that I would use the blog entry against her as a reason we should stay together.

Last edited by Monc; 05/04/09 06:06 PM.

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Oh and to answer before, I'm working on my Plan-B letter now. Scheduling an appointment with Dr. Harley to have him advise me as it's been a month since I last spoke with him.

I posted someone elses before and was planning to give it to her before the 29th...but I guess I got cold feet. Even me talking to her right now is something and going dark is going to hurt.

Last edited by Monc; 05/04/09 07:03 PM.

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Wow...this is one of the hardest things I've had to do so far... Trying to write a romantic letter and remembering all the wonderful times and trying to sort the best ones out is painful.


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Quote:
I posted someone elses before and was planning to give it to her before the 29th...but I guess I got cold feet. Even me talking to her right now is something and going dark is going to hurt.
Consider it tough love. If you ever want her back, she has to see the consequences.

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So would a WS even if they don't express love towards you keep finding ways to attain negative contact? Now after weeks of silence she is harassing me for her half of the tax return.

Nm, I'm answering my own question. Of course she is...

The one thing I don't like is giving her money. She is trying to say it's a legal matter for me to give her the other half when there isn't a legal case right now. I don't want to give her the money because it'll just make her divorcing easier. At the same time it pisses her off if I don't...

I'm not sure what to do with the money to avoid giving it to her or helping her.

Actually this was her e-mail:
"I'm not sure if you've just been exceptionally preoccupied, but I have been trying to reach you for the past few days. if your phone is not working, please contact me through another method. We need to talk about the tax return, and when I can expect to get my half. It is your legal obligation to return it to me, so please don't play games and with hold it under some mistaken idea that you have a right to it."

So I'm now contimplating that legal matters aside, it wasn't her right to cheat on me and until she rectifies her actions towards dumping the other man, she won't be seeing anything she feels is her right.

Last edited by Monc; 05/06/09 09:59 PM.

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Hey Monc. :wave:

I haven't made it through your entire thread and likely wont until the weekend but I just wanted you to know you have a new reader.


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Put it in a one-year CD that neither of you can touch for 12 months. By then, you'll have rectified all your issues. Send her ONE email informing her you did so, and then refuse to read any of her emails. In fact, change your email address, and change your phone number.

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Quote:
Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this
Go ahead and fake it
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
You ***edit*** disappoint me.

Passive aggressive ***edit***.


Just trying to get him on the phone. Just trying to talk to him, to find out if he has received my tax return in his bank account. Trying to find out when he's going to give it to me.

If he's going to give it to me.

My mother urges me not to do anything hasty, like, say, reporting him for tax fraud. Says wait, be patient, be mature, have dignity, don't play his games.

I asked her how long I have to wait and be mature while he steals from me and commits felonies. Because really, there has to be a limit somewhere. Perhaps a $3000 limit, I don't know. I know I did bad things, I know I'm the villain for leaving and the ***edit*** for giving up on a marriage. But come on. What's the time limit on my redemptive victim-hood?

End rant. I had a very, very good weekend, and there was a someone I met. A someone I can't really talk (or think) about as long as I'm wearing the wrong last name. So I'm once again ready for this to be over.


***edit***...this is from her diary two hours after the e-mail above.

She utterly does not understand passive aggressive...and she keeps calling me that. Grr.

Last edited by Maverick_mb; 05/07/09 02:39 PM. Reason: profanity

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Originally Posted By: Monc
So would a WS even if they don't express love towards you keep finding ways to attain negative contact? Now after weeks of silence she is harassing me for her half of the tax return.

Nm, I'm answering my own question. Of course she is...

The one thing I don't like is giving her money. She is trying to say it's a legal matter for me to give her the other half when there isn't a legal case right now. I don't want to give her the money because it'll just make her divorcing easier. At the same time it pisses her off if I don't...

I'm not sure what to do with the money to avoid giving it to her or helping her.

Actually this was her e-mail:
"I'm not sure if you've just been exceptionally preoccupied, but I have been trying to reach you for the past few days. if your phone is not working, please contact me through another method. We need to talk about the tax return, and when I can expect to get my half. It is your legal obligation to return it to me, so please don't play games and with hold it under some mistaken idea that you have a right to it."

So I'm now contimplating that legal matters aside, it wasn't her right to cheat on me and until she rectifies her actions towards dumping the other man, she won't be seeing anything she feels is her right.


Mmmmmmm......it would be a good idea for you to discuss this with your attorney. It may need to be placed into a trust account until the estate is settled.

Her attorney WILL be asking for it, (you'd better believe it!!)--so don't do anything too hasty that might get you in trouble.

Just to be on the safe side.

Charlotte

P.S.) Yeah, and don't give it to her, either. (I know you won't, just adding for info.) That's something that definitely needs to be documented in case she comes back later and claims you didn't fork over her half.

You can tell her that as well--that it will have to go through the attorneys. That way she will be off your case about it. Maybe.

Last edited by Dancing_Machine; 05/07/09 01:04 AM. Reason: added P.S.
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My quick research indicates that if she signed the joint return which indicated that the refund would be depoisited electronically into your bank account....she MAY be screwed, especially if you are in a community property state and no separation/divorce proceedings are underway.

I haven't read this all but this link may help:

http://www.nrglaw.net/downloads/whogetstaxrefund.pdf

Gotta run.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

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MONC,

Just a question here that may or may not have anything to do with what eventually happens to the refund...

She expects half of the refund. Did she pay half of the taxes for the year? If she paid less than half, talk to your lawyer to see if you can get away with only giving her the same percentage that she paid. If she paid in more that you, then hold out for YOUR half.

A couple in our neighborhood went through a quiet yet nasty divorce a few years back. She quit her job and ran off to be with her boyfriend in another state. The boyfriend dumped her for another OW (surprise!) and she returned home and "tried to work things out." 3 months later she left to be with another OM and at the end of the year wanted HER half of the tax refund. It went to court and the judge asked her why she expected half of the refund of money her husband had paid the government since she hadn't actually paid any taxes that year because she wasn't working anywhere AND was not actively operating as his spouse but as a free-agent rather than his wife.

BTW, the neighbor got the house too and married a woman who divorced her husband because he was sleeping with her sister...

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