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Wow!

Can you imagine being that BH Surgeon?

Just as OM is slipping into darkness from the anesthesia, leaning over with a big smile hidden by the surgical mask and saying, “So Mr. OM, are you sure you want to go through with your voluntary castration?”


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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Originally Posted By: babyonboard
Is it just me or does it seem like there is a preponderance of ws who are doctor's? Mine, DNUI, and at least another that escapes me at the moment.

Is it the profession, the "god complex" that comes with the position?

How many more are out there on the board- just taking notes here, and seeing if there is a pattern or maybe I am just seeing a pattern that isn't there (kinda like when you buy a car and then see everyone else driving the same one).


I am an MD and a BS who never came even remotely close to either an EA or a PA in 11 years of M and 13 years of loyal "togetherness". I was stunned, devastated, and betrayed beyond belief by my (now) xWW's affair....no, she is NOT a doctor.

Sadly, I know of 3 male & 1 female physician-colleagues who are likewise currently going through the same misery with their active-WS...none of whom are physicians. I also know 1 fellow-MD who is currently the WH and divorcing. It comes in all stripes and hits all professions. Hopefully I am not the exception, but my W was the ONLY partner for me and that was for life until she had the A and demanded a D to re-marry her OM (who himself had burned through 3 marriages and 3 adulteries).


xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
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Originally Posted By: Just Learning


Having said this, we have had more than a few BS's who were/are medical doctors and they were devastated by their W's betrayal. ONe of them even ended up saving the OM's life in surgery. So it still does work both ways.


JL



JL,

I am just one such physician-BH who works in surgery. I'd like to have the chance you described with the OM under my charge--as much as I'd like to fantasize about "making a big mistake" on him, I know that I would never do anything less than my absolute best and leave it up to God. laugh


xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
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SDCWman,

If I were not having such a hectic day, I could remember the poster who did this. He was an ER doc and he ended up operating and saving OM's life after a car wreck which included his WW. Divorce followed.

This is bugging me, he is a good guy and good poster here. I know Pep or Mel can remember his name.

When I mentioned the "ruthless" WS's the ones I remember were the ones whose spouse (male and female) put them through med school, got the loans paid of and they Doc said,"See Ya!" and off they went. Interestingly, in my experience it was more often the female docs that did this,but a few male ones as well. It was simply "cold blooded".

I always find it interesting that a spouse doesn't mind spending the money, but then complains about the hours and profession that allows the money to flow. And they sure do want their "share" in divorce as well, let's see...split the money, I get the house, I get the good car, I get support, and let's not forget those kids they need to live like kings and queens.

Always reminded me of the country song, whose catch phrase was: "We got divorced and split everything down the middle, she got the elevator and I got the shaft." Always like that tune. smile

SDCWman, I'll remember that poster at some point and post it to you.

JL

Last edited by Just Learning; 05/08/09 06:23 PM.
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Lemonman.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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Yup Ap,

That is the man alright. If the search function were working it is a rather amazing story. Cool guy too. I hope his life has turned out as well as it really should.

JL

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Last I heard he was madly in love.

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Quote:
Last I heard he was madly in love.


Couldn't happen to a better man.

JL

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Originally Posted By: BoB
does it seem like there is a preponderance of ws who are doctor's?(sic)


Wouldn't surprise me. But IMO doctors, especially males, have many risk factors for infidelity outside their control, including:

1) Long hours, overnights away from home - on-call, conferences.
2) Big workplaces with many youngish co-workers with whom close contact is needed.
3) A desire, IMO, of women to be intimate with the 'boss'.
4) Some women (fewer than before) want not any old boss but a doctor.

I think when you correct for these things doctors are probably as faithful or unfaithful as any. Not that anyone's ever done a study.

I don't like to believe 5) as suggested by some:

5) Doctors are nasty entitled people who think they're God.

These days I don't think the public believes doctors are God any more than doctors do.

IME docs are more inclined to hide their profession than boast about it.

PS MYREV - doctors are a poor credit risk - really? Why?


Me 49 SAHD; W 41 SAHM; DS3, DS4.
Seven year affairage.
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my Rev ....


PILOTS



Yeppers

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I saved lemonman's thread in my favorites. The properties are:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=1&fpart=1

I cleaned it up for the new syntax and that thread number (1219497) now points to Idiotville so threads must have been shuffled somehow when the website was upgraded.

Man am I good?

Found it.

lemonman's story

Last edited by piojitos; 05/09/09 12:07 AM.
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SD- I want to say that I am truly sorry for your pain, no person should go through what we are experiencing. Like I mentioned when I opened this thread it just seemed like I was reading a lot of threads with WS as DR. Probably just a coincidence.

There are some interesting points that have been made. I too do not believe that all Drs are entitled, arrogant selfish people. But I did find the point interesting about the profession possibly being more susceptible to affairs due to long hours, overnights, conferences etc. As well as those who target powerful people and try to seduce them.

I will be the first to say that with all my heart I know my H did not go looking for this. She hunted him, but he still took the bait. And if my H were truly honest he would tell you that I ALWAYS WARNED him about people like her. Repeatedly I told him that he would someday find himself in a bad position if he didn't learn to read people better. I have seen women throw themselves at him right in front of me, and he really had no clue. He had no clue I was interested in him when we met, it took 6 weeks of my best work to clue him in. As I mentioned in my thread he is one of those book smart, hard working men, but totally clueless every where else.

Have you found that to be the case as well sdcwman? about women throwing themselves at you?

as far as credit, my H never pd anything on time, even when he had the money.

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Well, my STBxWW had affairs with two other doctors, and one POS former hunt buddy of mine. So that that for what it's worth.

I seriously don't feel like she has a god commplex at all. She hangs with the nurses at the hospital and generally doesn't like the surgeons, bitching about them all the time. They are what she calls a "necessary evil." But OM#3 was a person whom she once very much disliked.

I think with my WW it's more about weak boundaries and serious mental issues regarding self esteem, needing attention, needing emotional connection. MC agrees.

When I served the D papers she kept asking for another chance, would do anything to make this right, anything to make this up to me. No God complex, you-can't-do-this-to-me attitude. She was a broken woman. And she needs to face the music.


D-Papers served May 8th, 2009
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bob

GM is a doctor, his father was as well and both of them were horrible, very long term, in your face cheaters. I wish I had known.

In GM's case it was some of the God complex, he certainly had plenty of that, but he went looking. If he wasn't basking in the glow of women hanging off of him he was out looking for sex. Apparently he pays on time (oh that was so not funny but you know....).

Here it was entitlement. He never had any reason to do what he did except he felt it was his right to do whatever he wanted to. Entitlement and IB's.

I am certain that entitlement is not restricted to physicians but it is certainly a trait that many of them seem full of. I can very quickly count enough to use both hands who I know and know are cheaters. These are just the men (they are all men but I am certain it is not restricted to men) who were not afraid of anyone knowing, it is out in the open.


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

Started real recovery 07/15/10
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Well, as a lurker looking for answers I could not resist, I guess that I am the wayward one, and a Doctor. As a surgeon no doubt my credit rating is better than physicians.

I have been having an EA with one of my residents for a year now. Never progressed, partly good reasons, partly bad. Mostly she displayed more integrity than I ever did. It's over now apart from facebook as she moved 2000 miles away.

My wife of 20 years does not know, and I am not ready to tell.

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Fox,

Are you looking for answers to improve your M? Are you wondering why you got involved with a subordinate? Is this your first EA? What made you post after lurking for a time? Did you ever have integrity? If so, are you missing it and wanting to get it back?

Would you start your own thread? My H and I found this site, the materials on it and Dr. Harly's books very helpful. I recommend you read Dr. Harley's book, Surviving an Affair. It includes EAs. And, by the way, stay off the facebook and have NO CONTACT with OW.

AM

Last edited by armymama; 05/10/09 03:09 PM. Reason: more questions

BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Thank you for sharing FX, do you mind if I ask is your wife a doc, and why do you think you went down this path?

I ask this because sometimes I wondered if me not be in the med field added to the stress on our relationship. There were things he would talk about that I would just never fully comprehend. In the beginning of our R I would ask him if the fact I wasn't in the med field bothered him and he always replied you make a more well rounded person, but in the back of my mind I always new that if he ever left it would be for someone in his chosen field. I just never expected and OT I always thought another doc.

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I have been faithful to my wife (except this EA) for 20 years, and indeed have fended of more than a few advances from colleagues, nurses and patients. So how did this happen? Until I understand myself I shall struggle to explain to anyone else.

I am in charge of the residents programme, including appointments, and first met the OW in an interview situation. She stood out because of her compassion and commitment, having given up a great deal to go to med school, and then migrating to my country to specialize.

Over the years we grew close, but always professional, there was a certain amount of flirting. I knew she was single but had no idea if there was some fellow in the background. A year ago we went together to a conference and went out as friends in the evening, drinking and dancing. I suppose that this was the point that the friendship became an EA, at least on my part, as I didn't tell my wife the full truth. Since then we met a couple of times a month, I had assigned her to a post 45 minutes away, just for coffee and a chat, and only about professional issues, but I found these to be the highlights of my week. She was due to rotate back to my institute in august. She was one of our best residents, universally popular with patients and a naturally skilled surgeon.

She went back to her home country for Christmas, and in late January texted me that she wanted to meet me in a bar. I met up with her alone and she announced that she was dropping out of the programme to return home. We talked for some hours with me trying to disuade her. She was homesick, and wanting at the age of 34 to settle down and start a family finding no luck with the men in this country.

I couldn't sleep that night, and I rang her next day to meet in a bar to talk once more. I was crazy, and sometimes still am. I suggested that she should defer her resignation and that I would leave my wife and 2 boys for her, and a new life. She handled it very well, making clear both her affection for me and that she did not want me to ruin my life for her.

We subsequently met a few times to talk in the same bar, and I stayed sane. She left for her own country in early April, with just 2 emails since. I will never meet her again but I am sure that I will remember her until my dying day. My wife has spotted my upset, but just thinks that I am under pressure at work. I know that I should talk it through with her, but in my present state of mind I could not take it. I know that it was a one off, and will not be repeated, so see no urgency in honesty.

Tolstoy thought that all happy families look alike, all unhappy ones are unique in their misery. Next to some of the stories on here mine is pretty feeble. I don't know what to do next so surfing led me here.

Medicine is a gruelling life (knife before life, knife before wife, goes the adage), with an emotional intensity and proximity to others that lends itself to affairs. This is the closest that I have come, and if I had picked another with less integrity then tv outcome may be different. For better or for worse?

I know she is struggling with this as much as me. To quote Robert burns:

Ae fond kiss and then we sever
Ae fond kiss, alas forever,
Had we never met,
Or never parted,
We should not be so broken hearted.

Burns was a famous womanizer!

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My wife is a nurse, so understands the life. Once I had integrity, now it seems that I am no better than anyother cheat. I love my boys, if not my wife at present, and could not inflict such pain on them. If I had received a different response in the bar I don't know if I could have gone through with it, though there would have been some risk.

I don't know what I want anymore, so shall do nothing for present.

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Originally Posted By: Foxinsox
I know that it was a one off, and will not be repeated, so see no urgency in honesty.

Oh but there is an urgency for honesty. You will repeat this behaviour unless you fix your boundaries and repair your M.

Please start a thread for yourself and people here will guide with a plan.
On the list of threads, look in the top right corner above 'topics', there is a button for 'new topic', don't forget to title it.

Welcome to the MB site Foxinsox.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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