Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 3
K
kj7574 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 3
My wife of 21 years broke off her affair in early April. We are going to counseling, but the counselor has told WW that she can't help because WW hasn't really committed to the relationship. WW says she is still mourning the loss of the OM, and I shouldn't be expecting anything at all from her yet.

But the real issue of the post is the box of mementoes that she is keeping. It infuriates me. I think it is a physical representation of her lack of commitment. I find it insulting, disrespectful, and hurtful. We've discussed it and she flatly refuses to get rid of it. And I think she, not I, should get rid of it (it doesn't mean much if I just dispose of it). Her defense is that I don't understand why she needs to keep it because I'm not a woman. Is there anyone out there, woman or man, who thinks a memento box of an affair makes any sense at all? Or am I just overly sensitive?

Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
NOT ONLY NO BUT HAYELL NO!


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 114
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 114
NO REASON ON GODS GREEN EARTH! I say you make her burn it in front of you. Cleansing by fire.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
No. No. No.

My WH and I had a little ceremony (after a couple of months) where we burned all momentos symbolizing that our marriage would now be able to rise out of the ash.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Quote
I find it insulting, disrespectful, and hurtful.

It is. You are not overly sensitive and the existence of the mementos will terrible hinder or prevent your recovery.

She's not on board at all yet.

How long was the adultery. Was it a PA?

Are you sure there is no contact. This smells of contact.

Last edited by chrisner; 05/15/09 10:21 AM. Reason: Bumble Fingers

Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
This STINKS of contact.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Quote
Her defense is that I don't understand why she needs to keep it because I'm not a woman wayward .


This is what she really means.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
Your wife is in what Dr. Harley calls withdrawal. Unfortunately, it sounds like your counselor isn't well-versed in the dynamics of affairs; otherwise, he/she would recognize this stage and be giving both of you direction that will lead to getting through the withdrawal without breaking no contact.

Have you considered counseling with the Harleys?

As for the memento box, the only reason to hold on to it is to hold on to the fantasy. And THAT will keep WW in perpetual withdrawal.

Something as simple as that would be a deal breaker for me. The box would be leaving my house one way or the other...either by the wayward disposing of it, or the wayward leaving with it.


Happily married to HerPapaBear



Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
Did your wife send a no contact letter to OM? One that you read and mailed yourself?

How have you verified no contact?

What extraordinary precautions has your wife put into place to prevent any contact with OM and to eliminate the ability to conduct an affair?



Happily married to HerPapaBear



Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,583
Do WW and OM work together? Or are they still both involved in the activity that brought them together?


Happily married to HerPapaBear



Joined: May 2009
Posts: 3
K
kj7574 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 3

Quote
How long was the adultery. Was it a PA?

Yes, it was PA. It lasted from last August until April.

Quote
Are you sure there is no contact. This smells of contact.

I thought that too, but she denies it.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 574
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 574
One thing I've learned kj, is WS LIE. Just because she says there is NC, certainly doesn't mean NC!
Very soon after D-day for me, I found a cd that WH kept from OW. Ironically, it was something I had seen before D-day, but trusted him so much it never occured to me that it was innapropriate.
I, too believed that the affair was over because he said so, but darned if that CD kept turning up in his brief case or other hiding places. He could not let go of the object because he was in no way ready to let go of the OW.
If you haven't already, read everything here and try to better understand that your W is not around -- she is a WW and none of what you knew about her really applies right now.


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 114
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 114
Oh she denies it, then it must be true. Sorry for the sarcasm. Maybe you should try and find out. Just a thought.

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,535
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,535
Hi kj

I'm sorry you're stuck with this at them.

As you probably gathered absolutely no way is the only answer to your question.

Not only is it awfully painful and sickening for you


but it will do absolutely nothing to help her get over it and lose her feelings for OM and while she can't lose her feelings and she has that box of memories that will trigger her own thoughts, she will not be able to throw herself back into your M.

SHE MUST DESTROY THE BOX AND CONTENTS (it really has to come form her though for you to begin to consider restoring any faith in her)

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,399
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,399
Originally Posted by kj7574
Is there anyone out there, woman or man, who thinks a memento box of an affair makes any sense at all? Or am I just overly sensitive?
I am a FWW, kj. She absolutely must get rid of everything. Must.

When the FOM and I went NC last summer, I got rid of all emails, pictures, and all the things on my computer. I came to MB and was told I needed to get rid of anything that reminded me of FOM. So I gave away the leather jacket that he said he liked on me (even though I had owned it for 13 years), other clothing, CDs, a coffee mug, workout clothing... Things that he didn't give me but that simply reminded me of him through associations. I even asked my H to throw away a brand new $40 shirt H had just bought because it reminded me of FOM. (H complied.) Why? Because every time that object is seen, the memories soon follow. Then the heart longs for that "good" memory and then that memory stands between the two of you and your potential recovery.

Please read Mark1952s thread called Managing Memories and Dealing w/ Triggers. In fact, print it out and have your W read it too.

Oh... And the NC letter is an absolute must if it hasn't been done yet. Take it from one who received one. It's critical in stopping the OP from reaching out.

Good luck.


Me (FWW): 45
BH: 46
M: 11/94
PA: 2/08 (4 mos)
Confessed: 10/08
DS10
DD8
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 24
D
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 24
This is non-negotiable. That box of mementos needs to go. Your marriage cannot recover while she still holds onto fond memories of a past that is so painful to you.

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
You should be in plan A...in plan A you don't power struggle this type of stuff..

you speak of the pain it causes

you speak how it hurts you....
and then you clam up....

you word your pain so there is no room arguement and you let her stew in the reasons why this hurts

Your other option is to demand, plead, beg, disrespectful outbursts and place focus on minutia.....

you will lose site of the bigger picture of true recovery

should she keep this stuff the answer is NO

the question is do you want a spouse who comes to you one day and speaks true remorse or do you want this weekend spent on a battle ground demanding she gives them up and then her using your demands as a weapoon in claiming how you only want to punish and control

of course they have to go...
but demanding they go.....
will only be used against you

the timeline is equal to the timeline you have set for plan B to be gone from her

either it goes in x number of months or you go PLAN B
the box is irrelevant
in the big picture.....

plan A.... speak your love and your pain
that's the best you can do.....

ARK^^




Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Originally Posted by kj7574
Her defense is that I don't understand why she needs to keep it because I'm not a woman.

It has nothing to do with being a woman and everything to do with being a wayward. Although I will say in general women are more prone to holding onto mementoes but these are just crappy reminders. They need to be tossed. It's only been a month and WW may be in withdrawl. Hopefully...


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 15,150
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 15,150
No

No
No

To Clarify, the Junk Has To Go.

I agree w/ EVERYTHING said by all the other posters!

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
Is this a trick? "Can I please keep the set of knives I used to cut your heart out, as a keep sake? NO? How can you can you be so heartless and uncaring". "Because you cut out my heart you cheat".

Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,027 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5