My wife of 21 years broke off her affair in early April. We are going to counseling, but the counselor has told WW that she can't help because WW hasn't really committed to the relationship. WW says she is still mourning the loss of the OM, and I shouldn't be expecting anything at all from her yet.

But the real issue of the post is the box of mementoes that she is keeping. It infuriates me. I think it is a physical representation of her lack of commitment. I find it insulting, disrespectful, and hurtful. We've discussed it and she flatly refuses to get rid of it. And I think she, not I, should get rid of it (it doesn't mean much if I just dispose of it). Her defense is that I don't understand why she needs to keep it because I'm not a woman. Is there anyone out there, woman or man, who thinks a memento box of an affair makes any sense at all? Or am I just overly sensitive?

NOT ONLY NO BUT HAYELL NO!

NO REASON ON GODS GREEN EARTH! I say you make her burn it in front of you. Cleansing by fire.

No. No. No.

My WH and I had a little ceremony (after a couple of months) where we burned all momentos symbolizing that our marriage would now be able to rise out of the ash.

It is. You are not overly sensitive and the existence of the mementos will terrible hinder or prevent your recovery.

She's not on board at all yet.

How long was the adultery. Was it a PA?

Are you sure there is no contact. This smells of contact.

This STINKS of contact.

This is what she really means.

Your wife is in what Dr. Harley calls withdrawal. Unfortunately, it sounds like your counselor isn't well-versed in the dynamics of affairs; otherwise, he/she would recognize this stage and be giving both of you direction that will lead to getting through the withdrawal without breaking no contact.

Have you considered counseling with the Harleys?

As for the memento box, the only reason to hold on to it is to hold on to the fantasy. And THAT will keep WW in perpetual withdrawal.

Something as simple as that would be a deal breaker for me. The box would be leaving my house one way or the other...either by the wayward disposing of it, or the wayward leaving with it.

Did your wife send a no contact letter to OM? One that you read and mailed yourself?

How have you verified no contact?

What extraordinary precautions has your wife put into place to prevent any contact with OM and to eliminate the ability to conduct an affair?

Do WW and OM work together? Or are they still both involved in the activity that brought them together?

Yes, it was PA. It lasted from last August until April.


I thought that too, but she denies it.

One thing I've learned kj, is WS LIE. Just because she says there is NC, certainly doesn't mean NC!
Very soon after D-day for me, I found a cd that WH kept from OW. Ironically, it was something I had seen before D-day, but trusted him so much it never occured to me that it was innapropriate.
I, too believed that the affair was over because he said so, but darned if that CD kept turning up in his brief case or other hiding places. He could not let go of the object because he was in no way ready to let go of the OW.
If you haven't already, read everything here and try to better understand that your W is not around -- she is a WW and none of what you knew about her really applies right now.

Oh she denies it, then it must be true. Sorry for the sarcasm. Maybe you should try and find out. Just a thought.

Hi kj

I'm sorry you're stuck with this at them.

As you probably gathered absolutely no way is the only answer to your question.

Not only is it awfully painful and sickening for you


but it will do absolutely nothing to help her get over it and lose her feelings for OM and while she can't lose her feelings and she has that box of memories that will trigger her own thoughts, she will not be able to throw herself back into your M.

SHE MUST DESTROY THE BOX AND CONTENTS (it really has to come form her though for you to begin to consider restoring any faith in her)

I am a FWW, kj. She absolutely must get rid of everything. Must.

When the FOM and I went NC last summer, I got rid of all emails, pictures, and all the things on my computer. I came to MB and was told I needed to get rid of anything that reminded me of FOM. So I gave away the leather jacket that he said he liked on me (even though I had owned it for 13 years), other clothing, CDs, a coffee mug, workout clothing... Things that he didn't give me but that simply reminded me of him through associations. I even asked my H to throw away a brand new $40 shirt H had just bought because it reminded me of FOM. (H complied.) Why? Because every time that object is seen, the memories soon follow. Then the heart longs for that "good" memory and then that memory stands between the two of you and your potential recovery.

Please read Mark1952s thread called Managing Memories and Dealing w/ Triggers. In fact, print it out and have your W read it too.

Oh... And the NC letter is an absolute must if it hasn't been done yet. Take it from one who received one. It's critical in stopping the OP from reaching out.

Good luck.

This is non-negotiable. That box of mementos needs to go. Your marriage cannot recover while she still holds onto fond memories of a past that is so painful to you.

You should be in plan A...in plan A you don't power struggle this type of stuff..

you speak of the pain it causes

you speak how it hurts you....
and then you clam up....

you word your pain so there is no room arguement and you let her stew in the reasons why this hurts

Your other option is to demand, plead, beg, disrespectful outbursts and place focus on minutia.....

you will lose site of the bigger picture of true recovery

should she keep this stuff the answer is NO

the question is do you want a spouse who comes to you one day and speaks true remorse or do you want this weekend spent on a battle ground demanding she gives them up and then her using your demands as a weapoon in claiming how you only want to punish and control

of course they have to go...
but demanding they go.....
will only be used against you

the timeline is equal to the timeline you have set for plan B to be gone from her

either it goes in x number of months or you go PLAN B
the box is irrelevant
in the big picture.....

plan A.... speak your love and your pain
that's the best you can do.....

ARK^^

It has nothing to do with being a woman and everything to do with being a wayward. Although I will say in general women are more prone to holding onto mementoes but these are just crappy reminders. They need to be tossed. It's only been a month and WW may be in withdrawl. Hopefully...

Is this a trick? "Can I please keep the set of knives I used to cut your heart out, as a keep sake? NO? How can you can you be so heartless and uncaring". "Because you cut out my heart you cheat".