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faint


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by StillHurtingLots
Can I change the title to "She NO LONGER works for him"?

No! It may help a little if there is NC. You are not helping by leaving her clear out her office. You go clear it out - alone. She stays home and looks for another job.

I ask your attention. Do not listen to me:

Read the articles. Understand that there is chemistry in play here that clouds judgement. There are posters here that realise what you are going through at this time. Not everyone is experienced. Confirm by reading the articles. I recommend the purchase of the book Surviving an Affair. I also most highly recommend the Word of God and prayer.

I understand the mock humour that posters use to underline your ignorance. Sorry Pal, no one thinks that they marry a cheating partner. You will find that the originator of this site says otherwise.

I am talking too much -read on.





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"I have to start somewhere. The NC has started and unless I have reason to think otherwise I will believe my wife.
We have to start somewhere. If now is not the time and/or place, then when and where."

When an affair has broken the trust. To trust without verification is wrong.

Why does your WW have to be given full trust?

Why can't your WW earn back trust bit by bit?

��Can I change the title to �She no longer works for him?��

Do you mean that WW has now just resigned her job?

NC goes for you also.

How can you have anything to do with a sports team where the OM is involved?


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So did she actually quit the job or say she was going to quit the job? Talk is cheap and actions speak.....

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I think it is that she doesn't want to hurt him. Funny, I'll hurt him in a second.


do you think it odd that hurting you was easier? the fact that she dosen't want to hurt him dosen't send a flag to you?

Quote
My wife is not like a lot of people out there. Once she makes her mind up, she generally sticks to it. She had told me that the affair was over, and I should have believed her, but couldn�t because of the broken trust AND because of what I had read here on this forum.


she makes up her mind and sticks to it? what were you marriage vows? didn't you think she MADE up her mind then? unless they included more then two of you in this marriage and thats what you have, but you seem very comfortable with that so who am I to say different. Im just confused why your so heartbroke, and Im not being smart when I say that. Either you want to get to know this man in some kind of torture to see what he's all about and what the attraction is for your W or you really just don't care that your W continues her A. I guess Im just very confused whats going on here.


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Originally Posted by StillHurtingLots
Ok, here is a quick update and a little news for those of you who are so blinded by your rage...

I have been speaking with my wife about the affair almost continually for the last few days.

Communication has always been the cornerstone of our marriage, and it always will be.

We have both done a lot of soul searching, and neither of us are fully innocent in the affair.

We had both decided to try to patch things up ourselves, by using some of the info on the MB site, and had both made quite a big step towards fixing our marriage.
We were both feeling pretty good about things and then I came to this forum, saw some suspicious E-Mails and drew all sorts of conclusions.

Because I had told my wife the lie that I had not looked at her E-Mails when she asked me if I had, I couldn�t confront her about them.

Yes, she had the affair and broke my heart and trust. I spied on her E-Mails and that wasn't justified!!! It was wrong. There is no way to justify it. End of story!

I didn�t even give her a chance to prove to me that she could be trusted. Instead, I just assumed that the affair was still on, and did everything to prove to myself that it was.

My wife is not like a lot of people out there. Once she makes her mind up, she generally sticks to it. She had told me that the affair was over, and I should have believed her, but couldn�t because of the broken trust AND because of what I had read here on this forum.

There is a lot of good advice here on MB, but I do think that the forum members need to do a little letting go of their anger, frustration and hurt, so that they can look past that to fixing things, instead of perpetuating them all the time.

I had a cricket practice yesterday morning with the team that the OM is captain of. He invited my wife and I over afterwards for the afternoon and to watch some rugby on TV.

We went, and things were a little tense at first, but I made it clear that I knew about the affair every now and then. We kept everything pretty happy go lucky, and my wife and I went home pretty late after enjoying a nice afternoon and evening.

When I woke up this morning, I went outside and picked some flowers from our garden and left them all around my wife in bed so she would see them when she woke up.

She was very impressed, and we spoke about things a little.

After the first really honest/emotional conversation since D-Day we both broke down and sobbed like babies and we apologized for the things we had done to each other that were wrong. She especially apologized for having the affair, and told me that she would quit her job and break off all contact because she could now see that even though her intentions are good, and that she intends to be faithful, that she can see that the affair will probably re-start some time in the future if she doesn�t break off all contact.

She also said that her faith in God had taken quite a big hit, and that she needs to get that sorted out, so she has decided to tell her pastor what has happened, so he can help her in that respect, so that she doesn�t have another break in her faith. I will be going with her for moral support because I know that it will be one of the most difficult things she will ever have to do. I think we will also ask him for some advise in the counseling area as well.

I know that a lot of you out there think I am some sort of coward, but in this case I do think that communication is far more powerful that exposing the affair to everyone around your wife.

The bottom line here is this�

Why did I marry my wife? Because I loved her. I still love her!
Why did she marry me? Because she loved me. She still loves me!

Does that sound too simple? Yes?

HELL NO!!!

What would be my motive behind exposing my wife (and believe me, I did come close)? It would have been to get back at her and to hurt her. Yes, I would have said that it was to make her friends look at her in disgust and to get the affair to end, but the real reason would have been to hurt and humiliate her, and she would have left me.

Whether she would come back to me after a little while is immaterial. What I would have succeeded in doing would to have been to push her back to him. They would have had a little bit more of their affair, and I would be heart broken all over again.

I doubt I would have taken her back after that if she had wanted to come back in the first place, so that would have ruined my marriage anyway.

Would it have been justified? No. Yes, she hurt me. Does that give me the right to hurt her? I bet you would all say �yes�, but I don�t agree.

I love my wife and I have forgiven her for having the affair. It is now time for us to communicate and to get to know how we can maintain our romance so that this doesn�t happen ever again.

If this can help anyone out there to repair their marriage without more hurt and pain and suffering than there already is, then I am happy.

To those of you who are so busy getting back at your WS, suck it up, COMMUNICATE, and get over yourselves so you can reconcile. I�m sure it will be a much faster and happier reconciliation. Stop being so stuck on how your spouse hurt you, and look at how you can build your marriage to the point of being unbreakable.

May the flaming begin...
Wow, not only did your WS gaslight you...but she is trying to gaslighting us thru you now, right? Your post is filled with so much fogbabble(blameshifting, anger re exposure, etc) that it's hard to believe those are your words/thoughts.

Your assertion that posters that advised exposure to you have "blind rage" overlooks a couple of key things: a)this is advice that is directly from Dr Harley, his direct quotes were posted to you and b)FWSs posted the same advice to you.

Anyway, good luck to you. Why don't post back in a year and let us know how things are going??? Or better yet, start your own website since you know better than Dr. Harley and the good folks here who have recovered their marriages.


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Originally Posted by StillHurtingLots
Ok, here is a quick update and a little news for those of you who are so blinded by your rage...

I have been speaking with my wife about the affair almost continually for the last few days.

Communication has always been the cornerstone of our marriage, and it always will be.

We have both done a lot of soul searching, and neither of us are fully innocent in the affair.

We had both decided to try to patch things up ourselves, by using some of the info on the MB site, and had both made quite a big step towards fixing our marriage.
We were both feeling pretty good about things and then I came to this forum, saw some suspicious E-Mails and drew all sorts of conclusions.

Because I had told my wife the lie that I had not looked at her E-Mails when she asked me if I had, I couldn’t confront her about them.

Yes, she had the affair and broke my heart and trust. I spied on her E-Mails and that wasn't justified!!! It was wrong. There is no way to justify it. End of story!

I didn’t even give her a chance to prove to me that she could be trusted. Instead, I just assumed that the affair was still on, and did everything to prove to myself that it was.

My wife is not like a lot of people out there. Once she makes her mind up, she generally sticks to it. She had told me that the affair was over, and I should have believed her, but couldn’t because of the broken trust AND because of what I had read here on this forum.

There is a lot of good advice here on MB, but I do think that the forum members need to do a little letting go of their anger, frustration and hurt, so that they can look past that to fixing things, instead of perpetuating them all the time.

I had a cricket practice yesterday morning with the team that the OM is captain of. He invited my wife and I over afterwards for the afternoon and to watch some rugby on TV.

We went, and things were a little tense at first, but I made it clear that I knew about the affair every now and then. We kept everything pretty happy go lucky, and my wife and I went home pretty late after enjoying a nice afternoon and evening.

When I woke up this morning, I went outside and picked some flowers from our garden and left them all around my wife in bed so she would see them when she woke up.

She was very impressed, and we spoke about things a little.

After the first really honest/emotional conversation since D-Day we both broke down and sobbed like babies and we apologized for the things we had done to each other that were wrong. She especially apologized for having the affair, and told me that she would quit her job and break off all contact because she could now see that even though her intentions are good, and that she intends to be faithful, that she can see that the affair will probably re-start some time in the future if she doesn’t break off all contact.

She also said that her faith in God had taken quite a big hit, and that she needs to get that sorted out, so she has decided to tell her pastor what has happened, so he can help her in that respect, so that she doesn’t have another break in her faith. I will be going with her for moral support because I know that it will be one of the most difficult things she will ever have to do. I think we will also ask him for some advise in the counseling area as well.

I know that a lot of you out there think I am some sort of coward, but in this case I do think that communication is far more powerful that exposing the affair to everyone around your wife.

The bottom line here is this…

Why did I marry my wife? Because I loved her. I still love her!
Why did she marry me? Because she loved me. She still loves me!

Does that sound too simple? Yes?

HELL NO!!!

What would be my motive behind exposing my wife (and believe me, I did come close)? It would have been to get back at her and to hurt her. Yes, I would have said that it was to make her friends look at her in disgust and to get the affair to end, but the real reason would have been to hurt and humiliate her, and she would have left me.

Whether she would come back to me after a little while is immaterial. What I would have succeeded in doing would to have been to push her back to him. They would have had a little bit more of their affair, and I would be heart broken all over again.

I doubt I would have taken her back after that if she had wanted to come back in the first place, so that would have ruined my marriage anyway.

Would it have been justified? No. Yes, she hurt me. Does that give me the right to hurt her? I bet you would all say “yes”, but I don’t agree.

I love my wife and I have forgiven her for having the affair. It is now time for us to communicate and to get to know how we can maintain our romance so that this doesn’t happen ever again.

If this can help anyone out there to repair their marriage without more hurt and pain and suffering than there already is, then I am happy.

To those of you who are so busy getting back at your WS, suck it up, COMMUNICATE, and get over yourselves so you can reconcile. I’m sure it will be a much faster and happier reconciliation. Stop being so stuck on how your spouse hurt you, and look at how you can build your marriage to the point of being unbreakable.

May the flaming begin...


You misunderstand our position entirely, SHL. There may be some posters on here who want to 'get back' at their WS, but the majority are in recovering marriages and are trying to help you. We are not filled with "rage". If we wanted to 'get back' at our WS we wouldn't be wasting our time on here with strangers.
"Suck it up and communicate"? Have you read none of the posts about BS and WS working together, communicating, and developing the Ms they've always wanted?? My FWH is shaking his head in disbelief at your naive assumptions. We've all been there, SHL. Your W is not unique in this situation. She is a wayward. And we are truly not angry at her for putting the two of you in this position. We just know what it takes to get out of it.
Okay, SHL. Good luck with your WW and her OM. You don't need our help.


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SHL,

You are making a mistake. The advice you are being given here is pretty unanimous. People here know what they are talking about, you are a novice. I was in your shoes (see my thread if you like) and I know how you feel. You may think you know your WW but ask yourself, if someone had said to you one year ago that you would be in this situation you wouldn't believe them. So obviously your WW has changed in a way you would never have expected. The aim of the advice here is how to change her back to the way she was, NOT to dole out revenge or hurt.
Open your mind to the idea you might be wrong and you will save yourself a lot of pain.

Last edited by tully; 11/02/09 08:48 AM.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
faint
Mel, after reading the past few quotes from the OP, I've decided this entire thread is a hoax. No way any one could be that stupid. He's trying to goad us into a rage. Maybe it's some bizarre attempt to justify things, but I can't see anyone being that stupid...


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This is no hoax.

I went with my WW to her pastor this morning to have a chat with him about this whole mess.

My WW basically told him the truth and all 3 of us spoke very honestly about the affair.

He basically reinforced most of what you have all been telling me, so thank you for your advise.

He agreed with everything except the exposure part, unless the WW is unwilling to go along with NC.

As of this morning I have taken my wife's cell phone away so I can monitor her text messages and calls. If any come from the OM, I ignore the calls and delete the text messages. I will be changing her cell number as well.

I also installed a key logger on both of our computers so I can see if she sets up a new gmail account, or does anything to try to contact the OM.

I have changed the passwords on all the sites like gmail, Skype and all other membership forums that she is a member of, so that she can only use them while I am with her (I have to log in for her). I have also deleted her gmail account and created a new one that the OM doesn't know about.

I have set up ALL of her E-Mails to be forwarded to my mail address, so I can see when he tries to contact her through E-Mail. Any E-Mails coming from the OM are automatically deleted by rules set on gmail so she won't see them.

Our computer screens are now next to each other so I can see what she and anyone on the other side are communicating about.

When the OM called this morning to see why my WW wasn't replying to his text message, I was the one to tell him that she has decided to disconnect permanently from him in every way possible. He was furious and told me that he thought she had more backbone than to have me tell him that. I don't care what he thinks. She quit yesterday and told him that she didn't want to see or speak to him any more. She did that face to face, and yet he still tried to get her to carry on working for him in his text message this morning.

Unreal but not unexpected!!!

While we were speaking to the pastor she seemed like she was actually happy to go along with the NC that the pastor and I have basically told her is a non-negotiable.

I can see that she is struggling with it this afternoon. She seems very depressed and withdrawn, but from what I have read on the MB site, that is to be expected. I just hope that she can get out of it ASAP for both of our sake. I seriously hate to see her like this.

She also seems to be pissed off with my attempts to monitor her location when she is out. I know why, and I will just have to expect it to happen, and help her through her withdrawal.

Thanks again

Last edited by StillHurtingLots; 11/02/09 10:09 AM.

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Originally Posted by imanotherone
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
faint
Mel, after reading the past few quotes from the OP, I've decided this entire thread is a hoax. No way any one could be that stupid. He's trying to goad us into a rage. Maybe it's some bizarre attempt to justify things, but I can't see anyone being that stupid...

No. I caught his address when he first posted. These dudes have a very macho way of dealing with things.

At one point this territory had the highest divorce rate in the entire world. I feel sorry for him and he DOES most definitely need our help.


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Originally Posted by StillHurtingLots
I went with my WW to her pastor this morning to have a chat with him about this whole mess.

My WW basically told him the truth and all 3 of us spoke very honestly about the affair.

He basically reinforced most of what you have all been telling me, so thank you for your advise.

He agreed with everything except the exposure part, unless the WW is unwilling to go along with NC.

Are you saying then that you discussed exposure with your WW's pastor while she was present? Please tell me that that did NOT happen!


Originally Posted by StillHurtingLots
She quit yesterday and told him that she didn't want to see or speak to him any more. She did that face to face, and yet he still tried to get her to carry on working for him in his text message this morning.

That your WW has quit the job is good news. Is the OM M'd? Exposure to his W may soon put an end to those attempts of his to continue contact with your WW.



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The OM is not married.

I think that for now he is not going to try contact her, but I guess I will have to see how that goes.

I am fortunate that my WW is very very devout in Christianity, and it looks like if he is given the right encouragement from her pastor and I, she should recover in time, and our marriage can start to heal.

We will be seeing the pastor again on Thursday, and he till be counseling us.

I did discuss the exposure with the pastor with my wife there. However that work out or doesn't is to be seen, as I had told her about it a couple of weeks ago already, before I knew I shouldn't.

@imagine...

Aggressive? Funny one.


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Originally Posted by StillHurtingLots
The OM is not married.

I think that for now he is not going to try contact her, but I guess I will have to see how that goes.

I am fortunate that my WW is very very devout in Christianity, and it looks like if he is given the right encouragement from her pastor and I, she should recover in time, and our marriage can start to heal.

We will be seeing the pastor again on Thursday, and he till be counseling us.

I did discuss the exposure with the pastor with my wife there. However that work out or doesn't is to be seen, as I had told her about it a couple of weeks ago already, before I knew I shouldn't.

@imagine...

Aggressive? Funny one.

This sounds a little too neatly wrapped up. think Twenty-four hours ago you were berating everyone on here about our anger and rage and explaining that you and your WW were healing just fine. You were upset with your invasion of her secrecy by reading her emails, etc. NOW you're saying she can't draw a breath that you don't know about.
Something ain't right, here...but if, indeed, you have stumbled over a 24-hour fix for a marriage broken by infidelity, you need to start writing a book.
More likely it's a case of not wanting to take advice, so I'm puzzled as to why you're on here, soliciting it? think


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I feel the same way, maritalbliss.

A lot of the stuff SHL believes in is contradictory to what Dr. Harley says and yet he says they are going to be using most MB principles.

maybe SHL doesn't have as good communication skills as he thinks...cuz it doesn't make sense...


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Originally Posted by StillHurtingLots
@imagine...

Aggressive? Funny one.

Macho... But aggression is part of it!

You are very fortunate to have such a short contact period with OM. And yes, you do need our help. The term "Pride comes before a fall" has very biblical roots.


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Have you ever heard of confusion and fear and anger. I was and still am feeling all of those and a lot more, so please forgive me if I was a little confused.

I think I may be heading in the right direction, but I guess it is all a bit of hit and miss, because we all make stupid mistakes and we all have to deal with them. Me included!


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Originally Posted by SusieQ
I feel the same way, maritalbliss.

A lot of the stuff SHL believes in is contradictory to what Dr. Harley says and yet he says they are going to be using most MB principles.

maybe SHL doesn't have as good communication skills as he thinks...cuz it doesn't make sense...

Sometimes it takes awhile before a BS realizes that we're in their corner because we're strangers and they don't like what we're saying. OTOH, the person they DO know (WS)is saying what the BS wants to hear, even though they more than likely are NOT in their corner. I think sometimes that notion takes some getting used to. I'm hoping SHL gets used to the idea and really decides to hear what we're saying.


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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Originally Posted by SusieQ
I feel the same way, maritalbliss.

A lot of the stuff SHL believes in is contradictory to what Dr. Harley says and yet he says they are going to be using most MB principles.

maybe SHL doesn't have as good communication skills as he thinks...cuz it doesn't make sense...

Sometimes it takes awhile before a BS realizes that we're in their corner because we're strangers and they don't like what we're saying. OTOH, the person they DO know (WS)is saying what the BS wants to hear, even though they more than likely are NOT in their corner. I think sometimes that notion takes some getting used to. I'm hoping SHL gets used to the idea and really decides to hear what we're saying.
The problem is since I think he told her about the MB advice he had gotten here (I'm pretty sure that's what is behind his rant re exposure vs communication to end an affair) he possibly lost a very good resource in fighting this A.


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This OM is not going to back away.

WW is ripe to be tempted back because she has not gone through withdrawal. The OM knows this and will continue to try to contact WW.

Why?

Because OM has seen you will do nothing, will not make him face any consequences, because you will not expose OM to wife or work.

WW has dropped OM to fast, too easy. Some thing does not smell right. Either your WW is up too something. Or your giving us a large order of baloney.

As I said before troll.

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