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yllang, the first thing that rings out from your posts is not a lack of emotions, but a lack of willingness to make yourself in any way uncomfortable. You've been quite willing to make an effort when there's something pleasant in it for you, but when the path ahead involves discomfort, disruption and a bit of unpleasantness, you're ready with the well-honed excuses...emotionally-stunted, undemonstrative family of origin, etc., etc...

'Not understanding' the emotions of other people is an easy way to avoid having to consider them. If it really bothered you, you would have already tried to work on yourself, either alone or with professional help. Your wife's pain hasn't really bothered you, but now that her reaction is likely to disrupt YOUR life, you're able to feel some pain.

Which brings us to the second thing that rings out from your posts. Everything in your life is described in terms of the benefit it has to YOU, or the discomfort it has caused to YOU. Your family of origin, your wife, your 'naive' internet contacts, your OW, your employer - all are described only for what they did or are doing to affect YOUR life. You give the impression of believing that you are exempted from having to give anything to a relationship, and that you are entitled to have everyone around you strive to make you comfortable.

I would ask you to consider the possibility, not that you have some cosy psychological dysfunction to hide behind, but that you are simply immature, spoiled, and chronically selfish.

TA


"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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yllanoitomE,

I am one of the moderators here. On behalf of the Harleys, I must ask that you not use profanity in your posts. The use of profanity is against the TOS (Terms of Service) here. Thank you in advance for your cooperation. smile

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Originally Posted by TogetherAlone
yllang, the first thing that rings out from your posts is not a lack of emotions, but a lack of willingness to make yourself in any way uncomfortable...

...'Not understanding' the emotions of other people is an easy way to avoid having to consider them. If it really bothered you, you would have already tried to work on yourself, either alone or with professional help.
TA
yllang, I understand that you have in fact undertaken both marital and individual therapy. However, it does not seem to have had much effect on you.

Is it true that you undertook hypnotherapy, and at some point challenged the therapist to "break you"? (not necessarily to his face; in a conversation with your wife, perhaps). What did you mean by this?


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Is it true that you undertook hypnotherapy, and at some point challenged the therapist to "break you"?

SC, am I out of the loop on something here? Were there posts that got lost in the site rebuild, perhaps?

TA


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No, not that. Please read his wife's thread "It's been a year. When will things get better?" She is Brutallyhonest28.


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Hi Emotionally,

emocleW to MB!

I would love to give you some help...... regretfully, it all begins with NC.

Until you can achieve NC there is not much to offer you.

You are emotionally raping your wife every time she watches you leave for work knowing it's the same place OW works. Your wife will eventually call it quits and you'll nievely be shaking your head wondering how all that happened.

I will keep an eye on you and pray you find another job quicker than you find divorce papers being handed to you.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Reposted below - I apologise for my attitude to date. Please re-read

Many thanks

Last edited by yllanoitomE; 11/02/09 10:46 AM.

WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

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Right first of all I wish to offer a genuine apology to everybody who has taken time to post on my thread and especially to my wife who I shamefully admit has had to make me realise all of my revelations since the A went public.

Last night/this morning my wife had an extemely emotional convosation with me. She was very angry and upset that my responses were so simple and more importantly closed (protecting myself) from further scutiny and judgement. I immediately refused such a suggestion but upon reading back my thread - it was true.

At the end of the chat I explained where I stood with MB and that I WILL make it my top priority - to be as honest and receptive as I can be.

Dont accept me unless im being open, I will challenge myself to do what I need to do to work towards R.

Whats also scared me is that as you know ive been trough various therapy, talked to friends, family members etc.. and nobody has ever pushed me or even seen a problem with me!!! You guys on here have me pretty much nailed down already and arent afriad to tell me what what - which I love I just find hard to accept.

So im going to re-answer your posts and answer fully and hopefully with more information and honesty you will find it easier to respond and more worthwhile that talking to me in spolit brat mode.

Big apologies - im moving forward and I hope you'll join me

Thanks all

Last edited by yllanoitomE; 11/02/09 08:55 AM.

WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
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Originally Posted by GloveOil
You are both trying.
Neither of you has quit.
Therefore, there is hope.
That being said, now there is work for you to do.

No my W is trying on her own, Ive made progress in terms of im on MB of my own accord but I havent been trying since A went public a whole year ago. Im thoughly ashamed and Thats changes NOW!

Originally Posted by doingfine
Quote
with this you are expecting your W to beleive you, after the ultimate of lies. You can honestly say that this person, when you see her, does NOT provoke some kind of emotional response from you? whether it be a sadness, excitement etc....no matter what there is something, whether you speak 10 words or none.

Quote
The economy is tough, theres no doubt, and if you listen to the news, world news, you know its bad in the U.S. also, just saying that my H would NOT stay married to me and see the women he got naked with at the same time, period.
How many applications have you put in? What other "careers" have you thought about, friends that have companies that you have begged for a job, working two jobs to make up for one?

Quote
This is a quote that tells me your still in the W thinking, not everyone thinks like this, not everyone slips onto the internet and offers support to OW without their S knowing, this is not making the world a brighter place. Your support should go to your W, your sympathy, empathy, intimacy should STAY with your W, leave support, sympathy, empathy, intimacy for OW up to someone else, you obviously are not intended for this job. You are still making excuses for yourself. Your not getting "it" and because your not getting it, your more likely to be in this situation again.

Quote 1 - Ive spoken in depth with my W about this as understandly it doesnt make sense. The best way I can discribe it to you is that after the A went public we learned exactly what the OW was, and that shocked me as I had spent time with someone who seemed sweet etc.. and suddenly she is a serial homewrecker, manipulative b***h, shes tried to get me sacked, involved police whilst lying through her teeth and god knows how many more things I could list. After the rose tinted glasses were removed she quickly became an disgusting human not to mention I realised how ugly she is - both inside and out. I think what im trying to exlpain is that the reason I dont feel anything when I see her at work is becuase I dont see the person I had the A with. Its like two totally different people. The OW has gone and been replaced by a royal b***h who doesnt remind me of affair so I dont have any feelings towards her either.

Doesnt this make any sense?? Is it my brain protecting itself?? I dont find it an issue but my wife wants me to carry feelings with me as a constant reminder of what I did, and to act as a deterant to avoid future situations.

I understand my wife doesnt trust me after what ive done and that being transparent and reporting back can only help so much before I can get out of job. Can anyone offer any advice of things I could do for my wife in the mean time as I feel horrible now I realise the full extent of her pain everytime I go to work.

Please help me help her......

Quote 2 - Thoughly ashamed as I've not done any job hunting in last year. My wife even found a job through a friend at one stage a few months back, but I didnt even follow it up. I dont have any friends that can help at the moment but im job hunting ASAP - I understand urgency now.....

Quote 3 - Now I reflect on those times they were very wayward. My behaviour was selfish and my wife was again left to suffer alone. I have removed myself from all social networking sites and dont use chat rooms anymore. I did this as a childish act, instead of contolling myself it was easier to remove the temptation/situations from occuring in the first place. At this point im obviously going to leave it this way as my wife doesnt need any extra stressers but I've taken your comments onboard.

Originally Posted by doingfine
ok, not trying to be difficult here but, WHAT?? you have emotions, trust me, you just got done saying how sad the world would be without this, what is it exactly when your offering an ear, sympathy, empathy to these people that get attached to you? Your emotionless to your W because you want to be, because it hurts to bad to admitt what you've done to her, your poor W sees all this emotion that you give to everyone else but her.

This is difficult for me as I've felt emotionless/empty for years. Around 5 years ago our second child was born and we know pre-birth that he would need an operation on his heart. I was prepared and was strong for my wife and baby but he needed a second emergency procedure that was unexpected. My wife was the strong one then and I fell apart. Since that day I dont remember being emotional again?!?

6 months later he stopped breathing at home one night and I found him blue/eyes rolled back/not breathing and I had to use CPR plus his oxygen concentator to save him. My wife was stuck to the spot in shock but I was all business like and never showed emotion, not during/after etc......

This is the main reason I sought therapy, without being able to express my emotions to my wife how were we ever going to survive?? I could tell he im sorry, I hate myself etc.. but when its coming from someone straight faced its not believable?!

Any thoughts on this issue??

p.s. I can still get angry easily so I guess your right its all about locking up the painful emotions so protect myself hence why I can still lash out. Is this typical behavour?? I promise its not something im doing consciously...

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
That is not a darkside, yll. You need to know what to do to save your marriage and you need to know what will not work. What you are doing will not lead to recovery. Going to work with the OW every day is wrecking your marriage and posters would be remiss if they didn't tell you that.

Your marriage is not going to get better doing questionaires and ordering a book. It will only get better by you leaving your job. Until you leave the job, things will continue to desinigrate. Telling your wife about contact with the OW does not erase the damage that was caused by the contact.

I have covered the first job section before please dont think im being rude by leaving it out smile

However obvious it maybe to other users your second statement really hit a nerve with me. You said "telling my wife about contact doesnt erase damage caused by contact"
S**t your spot on, I thought that honesty would cure all when of course honesty is important especially to regain trust but the issue is the contact in the first place.

Thanks keep the pearls coming smile

Originally Posted by writer1
My feelings for my H were muted and difficult and inconsistent while I was still in contact with the OM. The A was over, but we remained in contact for another year and a half because of our OC. I thought I had no choice, that I had to stay in contact and try to keep OM involved in our OC's life. Our contact was all long-distance, since he lives 3000 miles away. We spoke on the phone twice and I would email him about doctor's appointments and such. Even this little bit of contact affected my feelings for my BH.

I can't imagine how working with the OM and having to see him everyday would have affected the way I felt. I can guarantee that your feelings will be much more stable when you establish complete NC. Things will be so much clearer then. It doesn't matter if you don't have any feelings for the OW. Seeing her day in and day out is still affecting the way you feel about your W and your ability to fully move on.

I think I've had a break through here, Ive stated above that I dont have any feelings towards OW upon seeing her at work. However I was thinking about any effect it had on my wife as I couldnt see the relevance if I wasnt feeling anything but then it hit me.

Everyday im at work, I have to report back to my wife whether OW was at work, any contact, her actions, attitude etc... This makes me feel like im reporting to a paroll officer and not my wife. While honesty is important and I would never take that away from my wife, the contact stops me from being able to go home, throw my arms around my wife and tell her I love her, as im to busy updating her and hoping she believes me, and then any further convosations obvious destroy postivie contact between us. The initial intimacy of me returning home to her is ruined by the OW still exisiting....

Right the blinkers are off and im finding another job if it kills me...

Ill just quicly mention again, if anyone has any advice on ways I could help my wife until such a time as I leave the store, it could be priceless....

Originally Posted by TogetherAlone
yllang, the first thing that rings out from your posts is not a lack of emotions, but a lack of willingness to make yourself in any way uncomfortable. You've been quite willing to make an effort when there's something pleasant in it for you, but when the path ahead involves discomfort, disruption and a bit of unpleasantness, you're ready with the well-honed excuses...emotionally-stunted, undemonstrative family of origin, etc., etc...

'Not understanding' the emotions of other people is an easy way to avoid having to consider them. If it really bothered you, you would have already tried to work on yourself, either alone or with professional help. Your wife's pain hasn't really bothered you, but now that her reaction is likely to disrupt YOUR life, you're able to feel some pain.

Which brings us to the second thing that rings out from your posts. Everything in your life is described in terms of the benefit it has to YOU, or the discomfort it has caused to YOU. Your family of origin, your wife, your 'naive' internet contacts, your OW, your employer - all are described only for what they did or are doing to affect YOUR life. You give the impression of believing that you are exempted from having to give anything to a relationship, and that you are entitled to have everyone around you strive to make you comfortable.

I would ask you to consider the possibility, not that you have some cosy psychological dysfunction to hide behind, but that you are simply immature, spoiled, and chronically selfish.

TA

Thanks for being brutal why cant therapists do this, its so much easier to understand than pussyfooting around the issue waiting for you to make revelations.

I think I've actually covered quite a lot of your post in my response here so please dont think im being rude by not answering you fully, it just so happened your last lol. Please read me comments above and repost as your post was actually the one that shook me awake.....

And yes your reference of my character was accurate. I had a chat with my wife last night, and she explained and gave examples of the tings ive done which puts me straight in the categories you've listed.

I want to help my wife into R as we are floating at the moment and I know it cant stay like this much longer before I lose her completely.

As I said please repost as this was VERY insightful

Originally Posted by McLovin
yllanoitomE,

I am one of the moderators here. On behalf of the Harleys, I must ask that you not use profanity in your posts. The use of profanity is against the TOS (Terms of Service) here. Thank you in advance for your cooperation. smile

McLovin,
MBDB Moderator

No problem sorry was getting carried away posting for first time. Ill get the * ready for any new posts wink

Originally Posted by SugarCane
yllang, I understand that you have in fact undertaken both marital and individual therapy. However, it does not seem to have had much effect on you.

Is it true that you undertook hypnotherapy, and at some point challenged the therapist to "break you"? (not necessarily to his face; in a conversation with your wife, perhaps). What did you mean by this?

Yes as posted just above I've attended various therapies but to no avail. I am serious about entering M R and so sort help.

The 'crack me' comment was an incredibly insensitive comment I made after a therapy session. I was feeling low as I wasnt making progress and I was worried my options were running low. I said that "im afraid she wont be able to crack me", it wasnt a good thing or a challenge, I wanted her to crack me but my wife understandably took offense to this comment and didnt want to continue therapy as she thought I had given up.

By 'crack me' I mean reach the cold hearted, emotionally stunted moron inside and return me to a remotely human state If however this is as good as im getting my wife rightfully wont accept this and M will be over.

Im really trying to open up in this re-post and hopefully people will resond positively to this as im sure people were getting fed up with my attitude. I hope the great advice continues and I can move forward to help my wife....

Originally Posted by tst
Hi Emotionally,

emocleW to MB!

I would love to give you some help...... regretfully, it all begins with NC.

Until you can achieve NC there is not much to offer you.

You are emotionally raping your wife every time she watches you leave for work knowing it's the same place OW works. Your wife will eventually call it quits and you'll nievely be shaking your head wondering how all that happened.

I will keep an eye on you and pray you find another job quicker than you find divorce papers being handed to you.

Thank you - I wondered if anyone got my name - it was supposed to represent me being emotionally backwards...... anyway

I understand the NC issue and im on it. I hope you are around when im ready as I understand from my wifes thread that your very insightful and full of knowledge and advice. I will definately look you out and I hope to speak soon as that means progress smile


All posters - Thanks for your patience, I stand be my apology above and hope this repost has offered more of an insight into the issues. There will be more to come and ill work on my communication and openness.

Thanks again

Last edited by yllanoitomE; 11/02/09 10:56 AM.

WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

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Did I miss it somewhere in your posts where you owned up to not using protection during your affair and ended up giving your wife an STD? I read that on her thread.
Tell ya, when I read the two side-by-side, it definitely sounds like you're using your emotional detachment as an excuse for a lot of poor choices.


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Yllan, brutality is the quickest way to wake you up - and you haven't got the luxury of waking up slowly. Your marriage is hanging by the thinnest of threads. You've let this situation fester for a year, and now you've got a very, very tiny window to fix it.

So let's get down to exactly what you've done to your wife, so you can understand why she is on the verge of divorcing you.

Finding out that your partner is having an affair is like being run over by a train. It's nothing, NOTHING like the way it's portrayed in films and on TV. They give you the impression it's a minor drama, soon got past. The reality is that it's life-stopping, searingly painful. Your whole life collapses around you - who you though you were, how you thought your spouse saw you, what you thought your marriage was. That's why betrayed spouses self-harm, attempt suicide, act crazy.

Dr. Harley says it's a worse assault than RAPE. People who've lost children say that the infidelity hurt worse than the loss of their child. Can you imagine how bad a pain must be to be worse than that?

Were you present for the birth of your four children? If they were natural births, then you know what the pain of labour is like. You know how agonising it gets as the birth gets closer. Imagine if that agonising pain didn't end in a birth, but kept on, wave after wave of pain to endure...for days, weeks, months on end. For a year. Day after day struggling to breathe through the crippling pain, yearning for the brief respite between contractions. Waking up after blinks of sleep to find the same pain wracking you...

For a year. And every time you cry out in agony, your partner looks at you coldly and walks away.

Does that sound melodramatic? Because I have to tell you that it's not. This is what it feels like to be betrayed, and every time you go into work and see the OW, you betray your wife again.

Can you see why cutting off her involvement with you might seem a very welcome idea to your wife?

If she does that, then YOU get to share some of the pain. You've got four young children. Under English law, your wife will get the lion's share of your income. You won't be left with much. You won't see your kids much, and when you do, it will be in the crappy bedsit which is probably what you'll be able to afford after supporting your family.

You'll look for another relationship. Will anyone have you - a man with four young dependent children, on a low income, whose marriage ended not just because of his infidelity but because he was utterly insensitive to the pain he'd caused? Well yes, there will be women who'll jump at you. Not wise, balanced, emotionally mature women - they won't touch you with a bargepole. The women who'll clamp onto you will be...unwise, unbalanced, emotionally immature. The OW perhaps.

If your wife collapses completely under the strain - and that possibility seems close - you'll end up looking after the children yourself. Four children, 30-odd pets, and a full-time job that requires you to be out of the house overnight. That's not going to be a picnic, is it?

One of these scenarios IS your future. Are you still feeling emotionally numb?

TA


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Originally Posted by imanotherone
Did I miss it somewhere in your posts where you owned up to not using protection during your affair and ended up giving your wife an STD? I read that on her thread.
Tell ya, when I read the two side-by-side, it definitely sounds like you're using your emotional detachment as an excuse for a lot of poor choices.

Your right I havent mentioned the 'No protection' issue. In fact I havent mentioned many things that happened over the last year, the 2 month A and the lead up to the A. Ive only posted a few times but im trying to take onboard all the comments and advice from other users. Its been picked up on that I havent been 'uncomfortable' or 'exposed' since the A kicked off. Im tackling that by writing a list of everything ive done that im not proud of, ashamed by, not understood, hurt my W with and just everything that needs to be exposed for me to own and deal with and I shall publish it on here once im done.

Ill address the issue your specifically refering to - first just to explain my past. Ive only ever slept with my wife and Ive never been sexually active with anyone else to any extent. I had a vasectomy 2 years ago as my family was complete (well overflowing lol). As I explained in my first post I believed she was a sweet girl and I was nieve enough not to question her sexual history (not that she would have told truth - shes lied to us since) however thats not the issue, I still didnt ask myself. The night we were going to sleep together I did buy condoms but didnt use them. I was pertrified when it came to the act as having only slept with my wife I was concerned about performance and embarassment. The act itself was horrible, we had no connection, she was very inanimate, quiet and boring - this was making it difficult to keep an erection.

I have to admit I didnt think about infections as I knew I was clean (dumb I know but I can only be honest). I did bring up the lack of contraception with her a few days later as it bothered me as she wasnt aware of my vasectomy at that time, she just shrugged it off saying that she had the contraceptive injection and thats that.

I did go back and slept with her one last time (twice in total) despite what i've written above, ridiculous I know. After the first time she could tell it didnt go well and that fact was bugging me so we spoke about it and she told me she had been raped as a teenager, leading to a termination of a unwanted pregnancy. It wasnt pity that took me back but the revelation calmed me enough to believe it was good reason for the first time issues and maybe the second time would be different (she was never raped she has since admitted using that story to get me back on side) Just so you know the second time was an exact re-run of the first time, down to protection, act etc.....

Since then my wife and I have found out sooo much information about her activity. She sleeps around regularly, often with married men, she NEVER uses protection!! Her 3 year old daughter could have had one of 4 dads - all of who worked in the store at the same time! (before my time).

I was still sleeping with my wife at the same time and she did suffer with a mild std. I went for full testing upon the revelation about her sexual history and my tests came back clear. Im not 100% sure that the std came from OW but of course its possible and to be honest its irrelvant as I didnt use protection and I slept with them both and thats plainly my fault and so deserve the responsibly single handily.

I must admit the whole protection issue isnt a major one for me personally (I expect abuse but again being honest) so I dont carry it around with me. However its one of the(if not THE) worst issue for her so if anything comes up in conversation I more often than not am not sensitive towards it, leading to massive arguments.....


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I don't like the sound of this OW. Of course, I don't think well of any OW...but from the way you and Bh have described her behaviour, she is one of the most revolting ones.

However, I don't see the relevance of that.

When you are married and have sex with someone other than your spouse (and when you are single and have sex with someone who is married) you put yourself at much more risk than when openly dating.

You might have your affair with someone who is really beautiful and also witty, charming and intelligent and then, when you try to break up with her after D Day, she becomes neurotic, unbalanced and threatens suicide when her fantasy world collapses. This happened to my H, who found out that his really lovely OW had had a near breakdown when her previous 4-year affair collapsed, and had had other periods of instability and fragility.

You might find out after D Day that OP is unbalanced and becomes a stalker. That has happened to people here.

You might go and live with someone perfectly normal who, when you return to your wife, mounts a campaign from the pavement outside your house, telling the world how you used her. That happened to my H' s brother-in-law. He was fragile and eventually killed himself over his own affair.

You might choose someone who becomes so filled with bile about your fake-perfect family life and your cake-eating that she "outs" you. This appears to have happened to Gordon Ramsey.

You might choose someone who many years later, although apparently happily married herself, reveals your long-dead affair, publicly humiliating your wife. This happened to John Major, with Edwina Currie.

You might choose someone who puts up with snatched moments for years, then becomes pregnant and demands that you leave your wife. When you will not, she tells the world about your affair. This has happened to many people.

You volunteer to be lied to, outed to your wife and employers, stalked, infected, given an OC, physically attacked and much more when you have an affair. None of the OPs that I referred to above had horns attached to their heads. None of the WSs thought that they were other than nice, attractive people who wanted a bit of fun, just like the WS did.

The WS does not know the OP; by definition a large part of OP's life is a secret to the WS and vice versa.

Your marriage was the only safe relationship you could have had while married. Any other relationship while married carries infinite, undefined risks.

You chose to sleep with someone in circumstances of secrecy and risk. It makes no difference to what you did that she turned out to be a toad. It simply beggars belief that you chose to have (unprotected) sex with someone you did not know much about, and who was a threat to your marriage. I don't think your crisis is in any way affected by the specific details concerning that particular OW. If you had remembered that you were married and a father, she could not have conned you with her rape claim.

Please don't even dare to suggest that you are not responsible for your wife's STD. It might just be that you are not good at expressing yourself, but there is the implication that she got it from someone else. If you have ever said anything like that to Bh, I'm not surprised she is thinking of divorce.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
I don't like the sound of this OW. Of course, I don't think well of any OW...but from the way you and Bh have described her behaviour, she is one of the most revolting ones.

Obviously I am biased but yes you hit the nail right on the head, she is thoroughly a disgusting and manipulative vile specimen of a humnan. Her actions in the past have been allowed to be forgotton as the store manager changes every two years. Also every person shes slept with have been forced to leave the store, so shes NEVER been made to feel accountable. My wife and I are the first people to give her trouble and embarass her infront of everyone she knows including her own family. My W was fantastic at outing the real b***h, and I stayed calm during her little games and remained at the store and got all the employees back on my side after she tried to turn them against me and play little mis victim. Theres also a letter in her HR personel file explaining everything shes done in the past, courtesy of my wife again. Although store wouldnt deal with her antics this time, they'll be forced to next time smile
Hopefully she might think twice about messing with another 'taken' man next time.


Originally Posted by SugarCane
You might have your affair with someone who is really beautiful and also witty, charming and intelligent and then, when you try to break up with her after D Day, she becomes neurotic, unbalanced and threatens suicide when her fantasy world collapses. This happened to my H, who found out that his really lovely OW had had a near breakdown when her previous 4-year affair collapsed, and had had other periods of instability and fragility.

You might find out after D Day that OP is unbalanced and becomes a stalker. That has happened to people here.

You might go and live with someone perfectly normal who, when you return to your wife, mounts a campaign from the pavement outside your house, telling the world how you used her. That happened to my H' s brother-in-law. He was fragile and eventually killed himself over his own affair.

You might choose someone who becomes so filled with bile about your fake-perfect family life and your cake-eating that she "outs" you. This appears to have happened to Gordon Ramsey.

You might choose someone who many years later, although apparently happily married herself, reveals your long-dead affair, publicly humiliating your wife. This happened to John Major, with Edwina Currie.

You might choose someone who puts up with snatched moments for years, then becomes pregnant and demands that you leave your wife. When you will not, she tells the world about your affair. This has happened to many people.

You volunteer to be lied to, outed to your wife and employers, stalked, infected, given an OC, physically attacked and much more when you have an affair. None of the OPs that I referred to above had horns attached to their heads. None of the WSs thought that they were other than nice, attractive people who wanted a bit of fun, just like the WS did.

The WS does not know the OP; by definition a large part of OP's life is a secret to the WS and vice versa.

Err... wow!?! Thats quite a list :-s


Originally Posted by SugarCane
You chose to sleep with someone in circumstances of secrecy and risk. It makes no difference to what you did that she turned out to be a toad. It simply beggars belief that you chose to have (unprotected) sex with someone you did not know much about, and who was a threat to your marriage. I don't think your crisis is in any way affected by the specific details concerning that particular OW. If you had remembered that you were married and a father, she could not have conned you with her rape claim.

Yes this is true and im well aware of it too. I hate myself for not just stopping for one minute and thinking about my wife or kids. I also hate the people at work who suspected something was going on, that knew her home wrecking tendancies, that again one comment would have shocked me straight out of my fog.... (I know its not their place but cant help being frustrated as once it was out in public they came to me expressing their suprise at the time!! well thanks, no good now is it.....)


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Please don't even dare to suggest that you are not responsible for your wife's STD. It might just be that you are not good at expressing yourself, but there is the implication that she got it from someone else. If you have ever said anything like that to Bh, I'm not surprised she is thinking of divorce.

Oh god no, I trust her fully. No sorry its not clear as I didnt want to state the STD. Shes suffered with thrush which can be caught many ways including stress, antibiotics, creams, perfumed soaps and deodrants just to name a few.

However the timing was suspect, and as I said I slept with someone discusting, didnt check her past and didnt use protection so actually it doesnt matter what caused it, its still mine to own 100% because of my actions - and I do.

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I have to give you credit for taking the 2x4's that are hitting you, and am convinced that you are willing to help yourself because of it, so on with another 2x4

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Quote 1 - Ive spoken in depth with my W about this as understandly it doesnt make sense. The best way I can discribe it to you is that after the A went public we learned exactly what the OW was, and that shocked me as I had spent time with someone who seemed sweet etc.. and suddenly she is a serial homewrecker, manipulative b***h, shes tried to get me sacked, involved police whilst lying through her teeth and god knows how many more things I could list. After the rose tinted glasses were removed she quickly became an disgusting human not to mention I realised how ugly she is - both inside and out. I think what im trying to exlpain is that the reason I dont feel anything when I see her at work is becuase I dont see the person I had the A with. Its like two totally different people. The OW has gone and been replaced by a royal b***h who doesnt remind me of affair so I dont have any feelings towards her either.


do you not see these as feelings? you would not have so much hate for this person had she never become the OW, she would just be another co-worker, but, because of what she has done to you, and has hurt you with her antics, you have such disdain for her, this is a feeling from the A, this is a direct result of the A, its feelings like this that you face everyday, right wrong indifferent, its because you see her everyday. These my dear are feelings,
and Im very sorry for your child, its something a parent should never have to deal with, so for that Im sorry.


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The reason I brought up the STD is that it took four pages of inquiry before it came up (and I was the one who mentioned it, not you). In your wife's post, it comes up in the first paragraph.
You see, to full accept responsibility, you have to acknowledge the things that are important to your WIFE. The fact that you are devoid of emotions is not as big a betrayal to her as the fact that you gave her an STD because you put your genitals into a sewer pipe.
Perhaps you should read more about what your wife finds deplorable, and address THOSE issues ahead of your own. But don't post on her thread. She should not have to face you there. Bring it back here.


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I don't think yllan has posted on his wife's thread. BH28 used her husband's login accidentally when she used the other household computer.


"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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Originally Posted by TogetherAlone
I don't think yllan has posted on his wife's thread. BH28 used her husband's login accidentally when she used the other household computer.
No, I wasn't implying that he had...sorry. Yes, I noticed his wife had posted under his screen name. But EVENTUALLY, one spouse ends up posting on the other's in rebuttal. I was trying to avoid that situation. It's best to keep the two threads separate so they have a "safe place" to vent. KWIM?


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yllan, I too am very sorry to hear about your son and his health problems. That must have been difficult to deal with, and I'm sure must have affected you both.

If it's accurate that your sense of coldness stemmed from that time - and only you can truly search your heart on that one - then I think you probably need some counselling and some help with how to deal with situations like that without closing down.

In crisis situations, we are either overwhelmed and unable to think, or we put emotions aside in order to deal with the problem at hand. With your son's emergency, it seems that BH did the first (very normal, especially for a mother with a child), and you did the second (it often is the father who's able to put emotions aside and handle the situation).

The thing is, putting aside the emotion is supposed to be a temporary arrangement. When the crisis is over, we should then process the emotions we put on hold, and get back to being our usual emotional self. Some professionals, such as doctors and firemen, have to learn to move in and out of emotional set-aside all the time. Occasionally even they get stuck in the cold zone, and wreck their marriages and happiness.

It may be that there are still many, many emotions - such as the sense of panic, the fear of failing your child, anger at BH's freezing and leaving it to you, fear of having to step up on future occasions - that still need to be processed.

Perhaps you could discuss with BH whether there were changes in your marriage after that time?

As for the thrush... I had thrush on and off for two years. I couldn't understand why it kept coming back. After d-day, it dawned on me that FWH had been passing it between me and OW - it's transportable via the penis, although does not affect the owner of the penis. Ironically, I also realised that I was the one who originally passed it to her. I told FWH that I had the problem, not realising that it was for anything other than informing him of my discomfort. Affairs lead to so many unexpected problems.


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Originally Posted by yllanoitomE
Originally Posted by McLovin
yllanoitomE,

I am one of the moderators here. On behalf of the Harleys, I must ask that you not use profanity in your posts. The use of profanity is against the TOS (Terms of Service) here. Thank you in advance for your cooperation. smile

McLovin,
MBDB Moderator

No problem sorry was getting carried away posting for first time. Ill get the * ready for any new posts wink

yllanoitomE,

No, I would ask that you come up with words to use other than ones considered profane. Even with * added, the words still read as profanity, and that is not acceptable here. Myself and the Harleys thank you for your cooperation.

McLovin,
MBDB Moderator


McLovin,
MBDB Moderator

mbMcLovin@gmail.com
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