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07271974jenn #2287723 12/12/09 03:33 PM
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I have a suggestion for what to tell the kids, for what it's worth. The key is to tell the truth without anyone being able to accuse you of badmouthing their dad. So I'd suggest something along these lines, after first making clear that you have something important to tell them.

"Your dad told me he wants to be with another woman. He thinks it is love, but he is just confused. It is common in affairs for people to confuse infatuation with love, but I assure you that nobody knows him better than I do and that is what real love is all about. There are no guarantees in life, but I will do everything I can to get your dad to understand the truth and to keep our family together. But even if the worst happens, I'll help you get through it and we'll be okay."

And I also strongly suggest that you expose the affair to the OW's parents. Although it's possible that they could condone the affair in a misguided attempt to be "supportive" of their daughter, in the event that they do have more sense than that the fact that she is living under their roof puts you at a distinct advantage. You could say something like,

"You don't know me, but your daughter is having an affair with my husband. I know that he still loves me and that we will work this out. I'm sure you love your daughter and don't want to see her heart broken, so I hope you encourage her to get out before she gets in too deep."

This appeals to their own interests of protecting their daughter from harm. The fact that she still lives with them says to me that they are likely to be overprotective and probably over-controlling as well. That could be used to your advantage. Oh, it's VERY IMPORTANT that you use the phrase "broken hearted" or "heart broken" and not "get hurt" because you don't want them to misinterpret your message as a threat of physical violence. (She's not worth jail time!)

Aphaeresis #2287733 12/12/09 03:57 PM
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ok im trying to understand all of this please be patient smile I will tell my youngest tomorrow,shes at a friends, but the whole plan a situation how do i change what i dont know is wrong he really hasnt told me except i dont listen to him, and he of course told me everything I have done wrong in our relationship as to why this is happening but nothing about him as i suspect happens alot.
should I be nice to him and no complain about anything is that the whole plan a thing or am I getting it wrong somehow?


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Plan A
07271974jenn #2287782 12/12/09 05:25 PM
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Read up on Emotional Needs, try to figure out what his top ENs are, and do your best to meet them.

Read up on Love Busters, study them closely, and eliminate them completely!! You can meet ENs till the cows come home and undo all that work with one little LB.

Plan A isn't about "being nice" at all costs. It's not about being a doormat. It's about meeting his ENs, eliminating LBs, and doing everything you can to break up the affair. This most definitely includes exposure.

Do NOT warn him that you are going to expose! That will just give him time to call everyone he knows and let them know that "Jenn and I haven't been getting along for a long time. She's jealous, manipulative, and hateful. I've busted my tail trying to be a good husband and all she does is gripe and complain. She's paranoid... she has even accused me of having an affair. I just can't take this abuse any longer. I'm pretty sure our marriage is over; one person can't make a happy marriage and I'm done trying."

How do you think your exposure will go over after he has time to make a little speech like that? So.. don't warn him, just DO IT.

He will be furious. He will say stuff like:
How can you say it's an affair, I just met her?
I can never trust you after this.
We can never be together now that you've told everyone; I'm too ashamed to be seen with you.
I was going to work on things but you've shown your true colors and no way do I want to be with a vindictive witch like you.
How could you hurt my parents by telling them something like that?

And on and on and on. Just be prepared for his wrath, don't get baited into an argument, and wait for his anger to blow over. It will. Your marriage can survive his anger; his anger, no matter how intense, is only temporary. Your marriage can NOT survive this affair. It will only become more enmeshed, turn physical, and eventually you will hurt so much you will welcome a divorce.

When he spews those angry things after you expose, just look him dead in the eye and say "I'll do whatever it takes to save this marriage. It is that important to me. Would you like peaches or pears with dinner?" In other words, don't try to answer his questions or justify the exposure. Just tell him you'll do whatever is necessary to end the affair and then chance the subject.

07271974jenn #2287806 12/12/09 06:35 PM
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Originally Posted By: 07271974jenn
ok im trying to understand all of this please be patient smile I will tell my youngest tomorrow,shes at a friends, but the whole plan a situation how do i change what i dont know is wrong he really hasnt told me except i dont listen to him, and he of course told me everything I have done wrong in our relationship as to why this is happening but nothing about him as i suspect happens alot.
should I be nice to him and no complain about anything is that the whole plan a thing or am I getting it wrong somehow?


Jenn, Plan A is a short plan where you cease all lovebusting [go read up on lovebusters] and demonstrate to him your willingness to meet his needs in the future. This doesn;'t mean that you PRETEND he is not having an affair. This means that you confront him about the affair but do it without lovebusters.

When you tell your daughter, it will be important that you use the word ADULTERY and explain to her why adultery is WRONG. Explain the morality behind marriage. Otherwise, she will leave with the notion that you condone immorality and will be morally confused. She needs moral clarity and moral guidance.

Here is a simple outline of Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2287971 12/13/09 09:10 AM
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ok so the exposure....He is the one who seems to want to tell everyone. so what do i do in that situation?
Jenn smile


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Plan A
07271974jenn #2287978 12/13/09 09:25 AM
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He wants to tell everyone his spin.

The reality is what needs to be said:

He wants to abandon his family of 17 years - wife and two daughters to go scr*w a single woman who hasn't got any responsibilities.

The truth is as selfish and non-romantic as it comes. That is what needs to be exposed. The truth - the whole truth and nothing but the truth without the airbrushing he's trying to give it!

07271974jenn #2287985 12/13/09 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted By: 07271974jenn
ok so the exposure....He is the one who seems to want to tell everyone. so what do i do in that situation?
Jenn smile


We don't care what he wants. YOU need to call folks up and tell them the truth.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2288017 12/13/09 11:01 AM
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Two threads have been combined.


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Revera #2288030 12/13/09 11:35 AM
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When you expose to people, you have your list of who to tell

You call them/or meet with them/or write them (depends on where they are) and say "My name is _______, I recently discovered my H is having an affair with _________. I love my H very much and want to save our marriage and _______is a third party in the way of that. Do you have any advice for me in this situation?"

Some people will be supportive of you, some not. Be civil either way.

A few may think you are a nut but that is NOT your problem. They are, themselves troubled people.

Do not warn your WH you are going to do it. Prepare for a HUGE tantrum from him. It is just a given.

Start stealing yourself up to be brave, strong, compassionate, open hearted, one heck of a woman/person. Few spouses who are not familiar with MB will do this. Others would either immediately kick their cheating spouses out (ego/taker driven) or go insanely nuts with acted out emotion (think of all the tales of 'crazy' reactions you have heard over the years). This plan takes resolve, strength, commitment, intelligence.

Last edited by reading; 12/13/09 11:38 AM.






reading #2288123 12/13/09 02:56 PM
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Well I just told youngest daughter about the A. she took it better than I thought, but WH not home yet so we will see how that goes.


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Married 14 years together 17
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Plan A
07271974jenn #2288128 12/13/09 03:07 PM
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oh and this may sound like a dumb question I already know answer to...the sex and affection question are they out of the equation? sorry had to ask


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Plan A
07271974jenn #2288130 12/13/09 03:13 PM
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If you are talking about you showing sex and affection to meet his needs....

you be the hottest, sexiest, most affectionate woman you can be. If you are worried about STDs (you should be) you can still be demonstrating sexual hotness if you don't do the actual act. There are so many ways to be alluring and sexual. Be creative.







reading #2288654 12/14/09 12:59 PM
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ok so a few things...I know he is still talking to the OW because I checked the cell phone records, a few 20 min conversations but thats it. he isnt "seeing her" because right after work he comes home. and while hes at work i know he doesnt see her because he is working next door to my father and he metions seeing him there all day.
anyway he told my daughter that he is thinking about not seeing this woman anymore until everything blows over with us. w/e thats supposed to mean. Im doing plan A making him lunch involving him in stuff with kids telling him to have a great day, trying to engage him in conversation. and that all seems to be going well. Ive told everyone about the affair and it seems like no big deal to people except my family of course. He was also telling my daughter about true love and he mentioned that to me a few times in our one fight. he says you would know it when you see it, is this normal WS talk? or does he really think this OW is true love and Im just the mother of his children?
and last night I went in our room to get changed and we ended up sleeping together, then we watched a movie talked for a few hours. does this mean anything?!? or am I just a comfortable piece for him? and he ended up sleeping in the livivng room as had some kind of stomach bug. which isnt too uncommon.
sorry just lost.
Thanks Jenn

Last edited by 07271974jenn; 12/14/09 01:06 PM.

Me:34
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DD:16
DD:13

Married 14 years together 17
I was a ww 8 years ago frown
D-Day 11-27-09
Plan A
07271974jenn #2288674 12/14/09 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted By: 07271974jenn
He was also telling my daughter about true love and he mentioned that to me a few times in our one fight. he says you would know it when you see it, is this normal WS talk? or does he really think this OW is true love and Im just the mother of his children?


Yes, this is normal, WS, fog-babble nonsense. And yes, he probably does think this OW is his true love. But, just because he thinks it, doesn't make it true. It's all part of the WS's way of justifying what they are doing when they know, deep down inside, that it is wrong. They think, but if it's true love and we really are meant to be together, it can't be wrong. The WS needs these justifications to allow themselves to keep doing what they're doing, and it's hard to imagine stopping what they are doing, because they are addicted to the feelings the AP brings out in them. I did this, all WS's do this.

As others have said before, don't listen to anything your H is saying right now. He isn't in his right mind. But do talk to your daughter and make sure that she understands that what your WH is doing is not right. Don't allow him to justify his actions to a very impressionable young girl. Your daughters need to understand that, even though you love their father very much, he is making decisions right now that are not right, decisions that are hurting you and your family very much.

Last edited by writer1; 12/14/09 01:16 PM.

Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
writer1 #2288679 12/14/09 01:16 PM
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oh I absolutely let my daughters know this is wrong! they understand alot more than we give them credit for smile
Oh and also he has asked my daughter if Im seeing someone because I went for a ride one night for like 2 hours I just needed to get out for a few. so him wondering that a good thing? and of course my daughter said NO!

Last edited by 07271974jenn; 12/14/09 01:18 PM.

Me:34
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DD:13

Married 14 years together 17
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Plan A
07271974jenn #2288686 12/14/09 01:20 PM
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Jenn

It sounds like this man is using you as a door mat right now. He is having sex with you and still talking to OW.

Before I would sleep with him, he needs to be checked for STD's but, if he has anything and you didn't use protection, you have already been exposed.

You should sit down with him and tell him that he can not have this both ways and if he wants to work on your marriage he needs to stop contact all together with this woman.

Did you expose to OW's mother? What did she say?

If exposure is not working and Plan A is not working, you may want to consider going to Plan B...

07271974jenn #2288788 12/14/09 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted By: 07271974jenn
I feel like my world is spinning out of control, like im in a bad nightmare that I can't wake up from...

The day after Thanksgiving, My husband of 14 years,together 17, said we need to talk...oh no! I got the old "I love you but Im not in Love with you deal" was a shock to me we never even fight and just a month before we went our first vacation alone to Jamaica. So I asked if there was someone else he insisted NO..Well he lied. He says he hasnt slept with her and he is just getting to know her and Its none of my concern and shes not the reason he feels this way, yeah ok, I dont believe that. Anyway we really can't seperate seprate because he just got laid off and we are barely making it together much less seperating. and no we dont have anywhere else to stay like with family or anything. He says he will move into another room until we get on our feet and I get a better job.
We havent told both of our children yet only the oldest she is 16 well rather HE told her in the middle of the night while I was in bed, he said he didnt love me and he met someone and he was gushing about her! WTF!!! I was livid I yelled at him and said listen sure shes 16 but what is wrong with you not discussing it with me and going on about this whatever you wanna call her.
I dont know what to believe I love my husband with all my heart and dont want our marriage to end, maybe its a midlife crisis he turned 40 today in combination with him just losing his job, or if he really doesnt love me. I just dont know what to do and wish I didnt have to see him everyday knowing he is talking to her. It breaks my heart. Im stupid also since the "talk" I have slept with him a few times but Im done. Im going to a doctor next week to get get tested for everything. and yes she knows he's married.
Thanks for listening


Sorry you're here, jenn. But this is where you need to be in order to save your M. First, read the articles.
Second, listen to the vets on here. We've been where you are and can help. Even the FWS (formerly wayward spouses)are very valuable. They can help you understand your WHs addiction, because that's what affairs are - addictions.
One of the first things you need to find out about is Exposure. It is an extremely important tool to kill the A. It will sound totally counter-intuitive to what you might 'think' you should do. Follow it to the letter.
Your H is in an active A that more than likely is physical (PA) or he wouldn't have told your kids. You need to explain the truth to them, that daddy has made a poor decision to have a girlfriend, and that's wrong for a married man to have. That you love him and will be helping him to see what a poor choice this is so that your family will remain together. They need to see that someone is still being their foundation right now.
I know the vets will be here shortly with more concise info on exposure. Listen to them carefully.

{{jenn}}


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

maritalbliss #2289399 12/15/09 01:51 PM
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a few questions for the "experts" here.... he thought he was telling youngest daughter last night for the first time she didnt say anything because she didnt want to talk...anyway, when he first told me about ow I asked him to stop seeing her and he said nothing I say or do could change his mind about us working it out and it wasnt about her...should I ask him again?
Im so lost on what to do it's like 1 step foward 10 steps back. one day hes nice and like nothing is changed and others he is very distant...especially the day after sex. im doing all the trying to meet his en's and NO LB..hard to look like im happpy all the time while Im dying inside..guess thats to be expected its only been 2 weeks frown


Me:34
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DD:16
DD:13

Married 14 years together 17
I was a ww 8 years ago frown
D-Day 11-27-09
Plan A
07271974jenn #2289410 12/15/09 02:06 PM
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Jenn
Did you do any of the things that was suggested to you early in this thread? Like, putting gps on car or voice activated recorder in the car? Keylogger on computer if he uses computer?

He is in the fog right now and nothing he says to you is going to be the truth. Period. All the asking in the world isn't going to get you the truth. You are going to have to dig on your own.

And, you need to be careful about STD's as I mentioned to you earlier.

It is good that your daughters know what is going on now. But, your husband is distant because he is in the withdrawal stage.
Believe me when I say that when someone is in withdrawal, nothing else matters except that "fix" of the drug. He is still in contact with this woman in some capacity.

In my opinion, you NEED to start making some independant steps towards finding out the full extent of what is going on with him and you need to do it covertly. Put a gps device on his vehicle. Once you find out what he is doing on a minute to minute detail each day then you will better be able to make your decisions.

StillDawn #2289436 12/15/09 02:30 PM
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I wish I could afford a gps tracker or voice activated recorder. at this point we are barely paying the bills. frown


Me:34
WH:40
DD:16
DD:13

Married 14 years together 17
I was a ww 8 years ago frown
D-Day 11-27-09
Plan A
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