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indarkness #2290755 12/17/09 02:48 PM
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thanks everyone for the advice...tomorrow my mom is gonna open a checking account that I can use I can't open one or bill collectors will levy it. I'm looking into legal aid and going to see if I can get an appointment. This plan a is hard when I wanna stab his eyes out, but I want our marriage together again much more. He called back and said he took the files so he could get them organized and he didnt mean to take kids BC's he would give them back. anyway trying to be strong now at least for my dd's smile


Me:34
WH:40
DD:16
DD:13

Married 14 years together 17
I was a ww 8 years ago frown
D-Day 11-27-09
Plan A
indarkness #2290757 12/17/09 02:48 PM
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Have you found a lawyer to see yet?

Have you gone to the bank to speak to a banker and tell them what he's doing and ask them to put a hold on the account, or whatever they can do?

07271974jenn #2290784 12/17/09 03:12 PM
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Jenn

This whole thing doesn't make any sense to me...I have been trying to figure out if I were him, what I would need all those documents for and I can't really come up with anything.

The whole "I took them to organize them" doesn't make a bit of sense. Why would he have to remove them from the home to do this? There is alot more than he is admitting to.

Also, let me tell you this concerning hard times with your finances. Years ago after my first D, I was in terrible debt. I went to CCCS (consumer credit counseling service) and they helped me out so much. They combined all of my debts and reduced my interest rates and got the creditors off my back. I just had to make one payment to them for everything and they disbursed it among all of my debts. It took me a couple of years to get it paid off but, it was a real life saver. You may want to consider checking into something like this.

You definitely need to seek legal help and as you say, you are working towards doing this--this is good but, do it as soon as possible.

You may want to take any important documents (if you ever see them again) and make copies of them for you to put in safe keeping. Do not let him know you are doing this. If someone does your taxes (like H&R Block or other professional service) they keep copies themselves.

PROTECT YOURSELF by any means necessary.

Take whatever help you can get from your mother. What does she say about all this stuff?

And, he did not take these important documents out of your home to "organize" them. Ask your mom to loan or give you some money to get a gps device to go on his vehicle. You need this very much right now because he is not giving you the truth about anything.
Keep us posted.

StillDawn #2291160 12/18/09 11:19 AM
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ok so i exposed to OW mother and sister...he wasnt happy as I expected he wouldnt be, this may be long so here goes....he did work at OW sisters house a few months ago and they introduced him to OW mother to do work on her house, thats where he met OW, anyway he told me last night he was going to be doing more work on the OW sisters house and was getting an advance but now they don't want him to do the work because they are "pure family people" and they didnt approve, and he was going to call OW today and tell her he couldnt "talk" to her anymore. That I don't believe.
anyway he wrote me a letter this morning telling me he's is NOT having an affair and he just doesnt love me like he use to. and it's OVER.
A little background that I didnt add before about 7 years ago I myself had an affair and he still brings that up saying I made it seem like his fault. I can't change the fact I did have an affair back then, he says I made him feel small. maybe I did I don't know. What do I do?! I am lost and hope this IS just wayward babble. a piece of me dies everyday frown


Me:34
WH:40
DD:16
DD:13

Married 14 years together 17
I was a ww 8 years ago frown
D-Day 11-27-09
Plan A
07271974jenn #2291169 12/18/09 11:28 AM
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You never recovered from your A, and now he is having an A (he's lying, obviously).

I haven't read your whole thread, but since you yourself had an A, what about saying to him:

"Yes, I am terribly sorry about my A and that we never properly healed from that. I know that part of this is my fault (you are taking responsibility for the state of your M, NOT his A). I would still really like to try to save this, our children deserve at least that much. What do you say we counsel with the best post-affair counselors in the country to see if we can feel like we used to about each other?".

And then you call Steve Harley.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Oh my goodness...that does throw a monkey wrench into things...

You can not believe anything this man is telling you right now. He is going to be doing work at OW's sisters--she will be there no doubt...this is not good and if I were you, I would tell him NO, that is is not to do any work at OW's sisters, mothers or anyone else linked to her. Period.

It is still fishy as to why he took all those documents from your HOME yesterday...not adding up.

Have you gotten the SAA book? Have you done any of the things suggested to you yesterday? Did you call an attorney? You need to do this--
As I said before, if you could possibly get a gps or a voice activated recorder, you could find out for sure what he is doing--instead of just listening to his wayward babble and lies.

07271974jenn #2291187 12/18/09 11:52 AM
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Well, good for them! Make sure you tell them thank you.

StillDawn #2291189 12/18/09 11:57 AM
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NO OW sister is a family person and believes in marriage and told WH no work there anymore. I should be getting SAA book anyday now. Im working on the lawyer. and the gps or voice activated recorder me and my mom are gonna go look at later today.
and I still don't know why he took all those documents most I have on my compuer anyway so only thing is my lease I don't have a copy of.


Me:34
WH:40
DD:16
DD:13

Married 14 years together 17
I was a ww 8 years ago frown
D-Day 11-27-09
Plan A
07271974jenn #2291191 12/18/09 11:59 AM
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Originally Posted By: 07271974jenn

A little background that I didnt add before about 7 years ago I myself had an affair and he still brings that up saying I made it seem like his fault. I can't change the fact I did have an affair back then, he says I made him feel small. maybe I did I don't know. What do I do?! I am lost and hope this IS just wayward babble. a piece of me dies everyday


well well well

My comments:

Quote:
he still brings that up


.... because ??? It was never properly dealt with. (duh)

Quote:
saying I made it seem like his fault


.... because ??? This is probably a true statement. Most WWs DO feel very entitled to their adultery based on feeling their BH was a jerk.


Quote:
I can't change the fact I did have an affair back then


.... No you cannot re-write history, but you CAN own your adultery today.


Quote:
he says I made him feel small


.... NEVER argue with a clear statement of what your husband says he feels.



.... The following quote is arguing with his feelings. Saying "maybe I did" is a major DJ and a message to your H that you do not care about HIS FEELINGS.

Quote:
maybe I did I don't know


.... just an awful thing for you to say. Awful naughty


Quote:
What do I do?


.... I'm coming to that ... hang on ....


Quote:
I am lost and hope this IS just wayward babble


... Some of it is YOUR babble.


Quote:
a piece of me dies everyday


... Imagine the piece of your H that died when he was feeling "small" after your adultery !!!

He felt "small" ... when your man feels "small" it's a direct hit to his manhood.
This makes him vulnerable to any female who makes him feel LARGE (as a man).


Quote:
What do I do?


You own it.
You tell your H today that you never properly paid attention to HIS feelings after your adultery. Use the word adultery. Because it is what it is.
You tell your husband that you ignored and diminished his feelings and his needs (to feel large as a man).

You tell your H that you know what you did wrong and it breaks your heart as much as his adultery breaks your heart.

Now, get at it.
It's never too late to do the right thing.



Pepperband #2291242 12/18/09 12:49 PM
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I gotta agree with Pepper. As I said in a previous post, it sounds like your WH has self-esteem issues right now. As a BH, I can say flat out that enduring an A is absolutely the very worst pain I have ever felt. I feel like less of a man watching my WW flaunt her A as she destroys her life and my family's life. I don't know how your previous A went down but I imagine it was heartbreaking and humiliating for him. Now you throw unemployment into the mix and this guy is probably feeling like he's less than dirt.

Now, lest anyone think I'm showing sympathy for the WH, I still think he's a dirtbag for what he's doing. There's NEVER an excuse for adultery. However, it sounds like there are some severe issues on both sides that need to get worked out.

Jenn, I think you can fix this but it's going to take some major humility on your part because you may need to open up some old wounds and heal them properly. That's going to take time. But this could be the key to bringing your WH around. His A may simply be a way for him to boost his self-image after having been through some pretty tough times. And you may be thinking, "hey its been 7 years, get over it" but unless there was proper healing, I'm pretty sure he's not "over it".

Do you guys have a pastor or other Church authority where you can go for free counseling? Or at least to begin the process.


BH - age 33
WW - age 33, pregnant w/OC, due Jun. 2010
M - 12 yrs
DS x3 (12, 6, 2)
DD x1 (8)
D-day 9-9-09
Plan D - Divorce Papers served 11-12-09
WW moved in w/OM 1-30-10 (DS12 Bday)
indarkness #2291248 12/18/09 01:00 PM
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Im willing to do anything for this marriage...he says its over. I wrote him a note apologizing for my affair and asked if we could talk abut it we will see. and no i dont think hey its been 7 yearss get over it. I guess we just really never talked about it and does anyone think it is too far gone to save? he said now i want to fix it what about 7 years ago.


Me:34
WH:40
DD:16
DD:13

Married 14 years together 17
I was a ww 8 years ago frown
D-Day 11-27-09
Plan A
07271974jenn #2291252 12/18/09 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted By: 07271974jenn
I guess we just really never talked about it and does anyone think it is too far gone to save?


I think it's worth a try.

Do not expect fast results.

I suspect your tolerance for enduring zero results for your efforts is pretty low.

Remove any expectations that he will respond in any way ... for a long while.

Keep trying.

07271974jenn #2291256 12/18/09 01:10 PM
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Its definitely not too far gone. D-day was only a few weeks ago. BUT, you've gotta stick with Plan A and get real about healing the past. See what he thinks about the note.

You are a past WW so you should know that waywards will say anything to justify the A. When he says "it's over" that's his way of justifying what he's doing. However, the truth is that it's a long way from over.

BTW, for full disclosure, I would drop the details of your past A into your sig.


BH - age 33
WW - age 33, pregnant w/OC, due Jun. 2010
M - 12 yrs
DS x3 (12, 6, 2)
DD x1 (8)
D-day 9-9-09
Plan D - Divorce Papers served 11-12-09
WW moved in w/OM 1-30-10 (DS12 Bday)
07271974jenn #2291258 12/18/09 01:16 PM
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Quote:
Registered: Sat Dec 12 2009


I just noticed your registration date.

Please Please Please

Take the time and do the legwork here on MB..

Go to the "Basic Concepts" link (top of page in the red bar).

Read it ALL.

After that, go to the "surviving infidelity" sections ... and proceed to read all of that, in order.

Do not skip ahead to the infidelity part until you've read and understand and can post about the basic concepts.

That will be a tremendous help to you.

I suspect you tend to "skip ahead" ... don't do it.

Pepperband #2291299 12/18/09 02:04 PM
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It's not over until the ink is dry.


Glad you exposed to the OW's family. I had a feeling that her financial dependence on them could work in your favor.

Aphaeresis #2291453 12/18/09 06:19 PM
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I'm caught up Jen.
It's good that you came clean about your past.

You've got work to do that's for sure .... read all that has been suggested/linked.
Where there's a will there's a way.

You'll get more support here than you can ever imagine ......
if you give 100%, people here will too!


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Vittoria #2291667 12/19/09 12:54 PM
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Hopefully, you are reading reading reading.

Learning & application of new skills and knowledge <~~~ the gift you give yourself.

Pepperband #2291672 12/19/09 01:01 PM
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Here's a Plan A suggestion in the meantime:

When in the presence of someone who knows your WH, say something very complimentary about WH.

Like: "My H would rock those jeans." (whatever, it's difficult to come up with an exact example without knowing your H, but you get the idea).

Figure out what your H's top 3 ENs are and then do your best to meet those needs. Ask for forum help if you get stuck. We're pretty good at brainstorming and keeping you off the edge of the ledge.

The EN of admiration is often one of men's top 3.
You can admire H to strangers, and sometimes it reaches his ears. pray



Pepperband #2291748 12/19/09 04:22 PM
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Jenn- sorry you are here. I was reading your posts and I remember feeling that way too (hard to believe it was one short month ago).

I did a Plan A and it absolutely killed me. I came on here often to ask for suggestions and was amazed at the results. If you read my ENTIRE thread you will see some things that are similar to what you have said. My WH told me at first that he just didn't love me and that there was noone else. I now know that there was actually "someone else" for at least 1 year.

I fell for a lot of the WH foggy babble and even his actions made no sense to me. I came on here to vent and find support. I found a lot of support and maybe if you read my thread (yes it is LONG) then you may find some things useful to your sitch.

I have been in Plan B for 22 hours and it is killing me but with reading SAA, HNHN and everything I could on here I feel like I have the best possible chance at saving my M and if I don't I also know that I will have the support here to work through it.

Chin up and PLAN PLAN PLAN.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2291718&page=1

Last edited by Scotland; 12/19/09 04:42 PM.

BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Scotland #2292023 12/20/09 01:59 PM
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Well WH has said nothing about the note I wrote...I kinda didnt expect anything either. He said he told the OW the other day they couldnt talk anymore. he even while on the phone with his dad said I told her no more and thats over. we will see. I hope more than anything this can work. I feel like a stranger in my own house, he looks past me when just a month ago he was making plans for future events. I know this is going to be a long journey what makes it even harder to look happy and keep hopes up is we will not be having a christmas this year so that breaks my heart for my children.


Me:34
WH:40
DD:16
DD:13

Married 14 years together 17
I was a ww 8 years ago frown
D-Day 11-27-09
Plan A
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