Quoted for truth. I have no illusions that my FWW stopped pursuing the other man for good on her own... OM simply stopped responding to her entirely once I exposed to OM's wife. Once OM went a week without talking to FWW, some sunlight crept through the fog and FWW decided a no-contact letter was the right thing to do.



Another "Quoted for Truth" item. My at-that-time wayward wife repeatedly told me "It's over" and "there is no affair"... just moments after she got off the phone or IM or email with him.

In a wayward's mind, it can be "over" because the other person broke up with them months earlier, and so there's no affair because what they're doing now is just "friends with benefits". They just have sex. It's just physical now, not emotional.

Or it can be "over" because they stopped having sex months earlier, but still talk to each other and express their feelings for each other. And express that if their spouse and girlfriend weren't in the picture, they'd be with each other again. But it's "over" because now it's just emotional, not physical.

Every wayward will try to justify their decision to keep the other person in their life somehow. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Each time using some rationalization to make it OK in their mind.

But it's never OK in the mind of the betrayed spouse.


BINGO. My FWW's relationship with the other man was an EA... but looking at the call logs, toward the end she was calling and writing him far more than he did her. She wants to try to keep him in her life because of how she feels when she's around him. It's the addict getting her fix. That's why there has to be no contact for life, because she'll NEVER really get over him while she works with him and sees him daily.


Waywards are insane while they're wayward. Their insane behavior toward the ones they love most is part and parcel of the wayward gig.


Because she's made it clear to you already she wants to hide the affair, and de-friending him on facebook would:
1. Arouse suspicions among her work friends,
2. Lead to embarrassing questions,
3. Eliminate one source of her regular "fix" (remember, you're dealing with an ADDICT!)


Totally normal.


Oh, yeah, my wife really insisted -- and I believe at this point, would still insist, though that feels like it's changing, slowly -- that the post-D-Day "drama" was all my fault. I kept bringing these things up. I kept hounding her about the affair. I kept checking on what she's doing, and my snooping led to our fights.

In my mind, I had to keep reminding myself that these kinds of accusations are wayward fog-babble. Any rational person would agree that a spouse having an affair and refusing to stop it is reason enough for "drama".


Given your wife's character and proven history of lying to you and others about the affair, what do you think?


Why not be honest?

"Until the day you commit to and follow through on no-contact-for-life with the other man, I have no choice but to assume you still have feelings for him and every time you see him it reduces our chances of saving this marriage. I will do whatever I must to save our marriage."

Or just use the last sentence there, which is what I did




According to Dr. Harley, most marriages attempt to reconcile from an affair, but the way to do it is very, very narrow. If your wife does not stop seeing the other man, your chances of marital recovery are 0%.

Statistically, your chance of divorce is pretty much always 50/50 in the USA. I suspect if you magically eliminated all the known and unknown infidelity from that statistic, however, you'd find the VAST majority of divorces are due to infidelity but get blamed on other things.


I'd say a very bad idea. It's likely one of the reactions your WW will take is to try to force you out of the home or take the kids and move out herself, and if you are already out of town, it's much easier for her to do. Yet that is at war with my "expose everything ASAP" instinct.

EDIT to say: I just realized this is probably a big part of the reason she wants to keep her current employer. She has benefits, she has some stability, and when push comes to shove it gives her the "independence" playing card so that she has the financial ability to leave you and at least somewhat take care of herself.

If you helped her find a new job, it might still preserve her notion of "independence" while satisfying the fundamental requirement for recovery that she stop seeing the OM...

Might be good to get a session with the Harley's on how to deal with this. The opinion of a professional is truly worthwhile. If possible, I'd skip that business trip. Get "sick" or something.

One of the biggest mistakes a BS makes is taking cues from the words of a wayward.

My sister NotSure is a poster here. This fall her husband repeatedly told her he was "done" with the M and laughed in her face and chatted with OW on his Blackberry while she tried to talk to him about their M. She followed the advice of Mel and the board and did a full-blown exposure and it killed the affair dead. Once she was able to get the contact to end, she was able to deal with her real H, not foghead.

Follow through with the exposure advice you are getting, don't give up yet.

Yes you can!
And you should.

Do not leave town anytime soon unless WW and the kids are going with you.

I would expose when you get back. You need to be there to deal with everyone and everything. And I also would worry about her being all alone to move OM in or something as stupid.

Dragging out an exposure is a massive strategic mistake. Can you get out of this business trip?

"Hate to say this, but if they're still working together and she won't at least 'un-friend' him on FB, it's not over ."

Also you did not make it clear did WW confess to DD2?

Yes, he can.

You must stop half muling every thing. Finish exposure. Expose at work.

You bet it matters! jcb, I was told this EXACT line of crud! WW later admitted how she thought it would put me more at ease (ie. off her scent), on at least stop the questions regarding OM.

It matters big-time. And Mel is dead-on. jcb, don't believe whatever Mrs. jcb is shoveling. It's better suited as fertilizer.....

TB

jcb, if you haven't figured this out yet from the posts here, Waynerds are given a script when they go wayward. And they all follow it, to the letter.

And we have the script right here in our hot little hands. We are telling you, she is reading from a script.

But you can write the final act of this play. That's not scripted yet.

wife did not confess to DD2, I told her, she denies it, wife said talking to her further was cruel and damaging (!)

Business trip would be very difficult to get out of at this point, but possible, I suppose.

One additional discovery...my wife has a prepaid cell phone (she was emailed a low balance warning) I will not able able to check call logs until she tops and it off and types in account # and password.....obviously I know what this could mean, but it IS possible it's for her mom..she has a prepaid from the same company and my wife is notorious for paying (me paying) her mom's bills....

Thinking about calling the Harley's for a consultation...any further thoughts?

JCB... this is a marathon, not a sprint. The script will be repeated over and over again, and will change over and over again. Waywards lie. And they lie even when they say "why should I lie anymore? You already know everything."

Protect yourself. Protect your finances. Look for receipts and credit card statements and other damaging evidence. You might not need them now, but they may come in handy down the road.

And OM now has a GF. How convenient. My question -- "Til when?"

Your WW is addicted to the thrill of the affair. And it will go on for awhile. Hunker down and do your homework. Trust your instincts. Never give her the indication that what she's done/is doing is OK.

DO IT!
And continue exposure, NOW!!

Do not delay.

Don't you just love that.
We (Money I earn) help out our family (My in-laws) all the time too.
Somtimes I dont even know WE are helping them.

jcb, my suggestion would be to get out of this trip and i will tell you why. You have this affair on the run right now and if you let up, you will give them a chance to regroup. This is a horrible time for you to be gone. You have inflicted just enough damage to the affair to infuriate your wife but not enough to kill it off. In other words you just inflicted a flesh wound but infuriated the dragon. If you let up now, you will give her a chance to regroup. And you may even come home to changed locks, that is not uncommon.

Yes, I would check into counseling with the Harleys, too. But in the meantime, I would work on getting this affair exposed in the hopes that your wife will leave her job.

Can you call your mother in law to ask about the phone? What is the phone #? Can you call to see who has it?

Stop waiting.

Expose to her works HR
Expose to OM's girlfreind
Expose to anyone who WW respect and who may be able to put pressure on the affair.

Do it TODAY, January 6th, 2010
Do it NOW, 12:52PM EST

Look at it this way, jcb. If you got full-blown pneumonia and were in a hospital bed when you were supposed to head out on your trip, you wouldn't be going, now would you? Obviously not. Your marriage has pneumonia right now. You can't leave town, right?

Can't call mother in law until exposure. Only have the last 4 of the cell phone # until she pays for more time. would have to call all available 3 digit prefixes.

When I expose to management at her employer, will they fire one or both of them? I thought of threatening to picket out front that her work supports adultery or something like that? Is that nuts?

Trip has been postponed.....

Would like to wait to speak to therapist about his knowledge before exposure....

Not your own therapist, right?

How is the phone paid?
I am sure you can find the phone number for you MIL if you really try.

One/Both/Neither, all possible

Uh.....
I would NOT do that.


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