You are aware this thread is from 2003, right?

Wow, SDCW_man, if I thought for one minute that my wife would read it, much less have any impact on her, I'd ask you to send this to her!

So it is, It's a great notable post though.

Wow, I loved the post to pull this thread current!!

Obviously, I didn't notice the date and assumed it was current. Thank you for pointing that out. It won't assist the original poster and, let's be honest, probably would have been ignored by her anyway had it been made available back in 2003.

Otherwise, I stand by what I wrote as it is timeless and universal.

I'm just curious how these old threads get resurrected. I have to really go back and spend a long time finding something specific that I'm looking for. These just don't accidentally rise to the top of the current boards without some research.

What were you looking for when you found this one?

Fred,

Ever watched snow flurries fall onto warm pavement and melt away instantly to never accumulate?

The futility of trying to "reason" with an emotionally-addicted WS is just like that. Been there as you have as well, I'm sure. Thank you for the compliment though.

I wondered that too.

Since it was "near the top" of the SAA forum when I saw it, I simply assumed it was current and didn't look at the old date.

Hi there, SDCW_man!

May I make a suggestion? Start a new thread for this post - it's that good! I know that you feel like it will fall on deaf ears, but you never know what might get through - and though it won't stop a wayward that is hellbent on leaving, it absolutely can help a wayward starting to peek through the fog - of that I am sure...

The first thing that got through to me back then? Something from the "31 Reasons to Stop an Affair" document that Mr. W had printed and left lying around the house...There was a part that said "Is this who you would choose if you were single right now?" [paraphased]...My answer was a resounding "NO WAY!"...and with that, the fog began to dissipate little by little...As I said, you just never know...

I hope you will consider the new thread...that post of yours is good stuff!

Mrs. W

This is a key question and one that I and many other BSs have pondered. Unfortunately, few WSs ever consider it seriously, so I commend you for doing so.

It really cuts to the core of how ridiculous and bizarrely-fantasy-induced most affairs are. It strips out all the moral, ethical, and emotional trangressions involved (which are massive of course) and gets down to the practical aspects. It removes the marital "problems" and BS-scapegoatings from the picture as well. Simply put:

If the WS had never met their spouse, had never married, and was single and emotionally "Head-screwed on straight", would the OP really be someone you would want to 'date' and pursue a romantic relationship with? If the WS had a same-sex friend who told them about this OP and wanted to 'fix them up', would the OP be someone that the WS would knowingly say "sure, I would love to meet him/her...Set me up" ???

The truthful answer to those questions is a resounding "NO" in 99% of cases. Dr. Pittman explains:
An affair with someone grossly inappropriate�someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own�is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

My xWW's OM is/was/has/had:

17 years older
a high-school dropout
married
on his 3rd marriage (the current-AM is now his 4th)
cheated on ALL 3 previous wives to take up with each succeeding affair-partner in turn
completely abandoned 2 of his 3 kids (from 3 different women) financially & emotionally
virtually no involvement with his one other offspring and didn't care (Father-in-name-only)
a history of shady financial dealings and bankruptcy
been jailed for non-payment of spousal/child-support
ABSOLUTETLY NOTHING in common with her beyond working for the same employer and hanging out at the same club

When I asked her "is this really someone, 'us' aside, that you would have ever considered being involved with before?", I got an angry and vindictive "YES!" in return (how dare I suggest otherwise?). Completely untrue and truly insane...