Hope, sucks. I know you miss him....I know how hard it is...I hate that someone else has to go through this, it breaks my heart....but I know EXACTLY how you feel, trust me. And I know no matter what I say that it wont take away the pain.

All I can say is that I think the pain is just something you have to get THROUGH to the otherside....and the otherside is just less pain, not none....but I am soooo much better, so I do know for a fact that you WILL get THROUGH this. I dont think about WH every second of the day like I used to.

I still miss him, but you know what I think that the "him" that I miss is not there anymore or he is hidden deeply....I can say that I have not completely given up hope, almost but not completely.....and when I completely do I will divorce my WH...I mean mine didnt even divorce me yet, but shows no sign of wanting to come back....IDK what to think either...

Maybe they know we are waiting for them and that doesnt help either...who knows?...but I know you will get better, just take it one moment at a time, and slowly but surely it does get better. I feel so sorry for you, because I know how bad it hurts.

Thank you Stillhere, your words and support truly help in this difficult time.
I am also "homeless" in the sense that I am a guest at a friend's house (a woman whose H is serving abroad). I can't be in my own apartment cuz OW is the downstairs neighbor.
In the city were I live rents are expensive, i have been looking into flat sharing but I am not willing to live with college students and the prices are very high for just a room.
All in all I lost everything..my H, my home and my son just started college in Sept so I am also missing him a lot.
I just want to cry but I have to pull myself together!
thank you
blessing

Ill say some prayers for ya, atena...and sometimes a good cry will help too. You will get through this...and you can always post on here for venting or a shoulder to cry on with someone who understands your pain all too well.

But you have gained your sanity by getting away from your H's abuse, Atena. Look how long you have been dealing with this? MY GOD, you are a walking post traumatic stress disorder. You had to leave your marriage and your HOME to get away. Atena, please please believe me when I say it won't always be this bad. You have a bright future now that you did not have before.

And secondly, I emailed you that link about how sugar is linked to depression. Please cut out the sugar! It is horrible to your mental health! sugar

Queenie and stillhere, God Bless you both for posting to atena!!

Still hit this dead on ya know...

Ditto

Wow Still some awesome words there. Atena, there was one point that was critical to my personal recovery. It was when I sacrificed the love I had for my H and gave it to G-d. JT helped me so much with this. She helped me understand that my M, the love I had for my H was my Isaac and maybe just maybe G-d needed me to trust him THAT much by giving him the love and asking him to take care of it. EVERYTHING that Still described was me, was her, and now you. She is so right. As hard as it is, one moment at a time, one day at a time it will get better.

G-d is right there holding his hands out for you to hold you through the darkest times. I used to take my torah and AA book and hold them and cry like a baby rocking myself to sleep. The next morning could be better or like you said, it was a weekend and I HATED weekends. They were too long and everyone was having fun doing something and all I wanted was something that just wasn't happening.

Talk out loud or in your head to G-d, tell him exactly what you are feeling and how sad you are. He already knows so you might asked him for insight.

Again, the timing of whatever you do or don't do is yours. Just like the others on here for me, will support you and bash you when necessary but also allow you the dignity and grace to walk through this in your timing.

Remember Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. And ye shall call upon me, and go, and pray unto Me, and I will harken unto you. And ye shall seek Me, and find Me, when ye shall search for Me with all your heart.

Proverbs 3:25-26 Be not afraid of sudden terror; Neither of the destruction of the wicked, when it cometh; For the Lord will be thy confidence, and will keep thy foot from being caught.

Psalm 143 Oh Lord, hear my prayer, give ear to my supplications. For the enemy hath persectued my soul. He hath crushed my life down to the ground. Answer me speedily my Lord, for my spirit faileth. Hide not thy face from me. Lest I become like them that go down into the pit. Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning. For in Thee do I trust; Cause me to know the way where in I should walk. For nto Thee have I lifted up my soul. Deliver me from my enemies, Oh Lord. Teach me to do Thy will, For Thou art my G-d. In thy righteousness bring my soul out of trouble, And in Thy mercy cut off my enemies, And destroy them all that harass my soul. For I am Thy servant.

We love you. We are right here with you.

Thanks Melody....

Thank you Queeny, Melody and Stillhere!
I cried reading your posts and the prayers really help!
The person I share the house with is not here today so I can cry freely. It is hard and the mind will not let go of the memories, mental movies etc..
I will not eat any sugar today! I think that really does not help.
Thank you soo much for all your support. It is so much needed!
blessing

Thanx for this thread. I too agree that Plan B is hard although I haven't been at it as long as you. It is really difficult to not think about my WH EVERYDAY(many times a day actually). We had almost 18 years together where I thought of him always. I think it will take about 1/2 of that time not to think of him daily hahahahaha.

Today(possibly right now even), my WH is going to have surgery done on his shoulder. He dislocated it on Friday and I hear from my DS9 that he is getting a pin put in it. I so wanted to break NC yesterday and write him an email. I didn't, but I really wanted to. I wanted to let him know that I was thinking about him and that I was worried. I know I am not supposed to get in to his drama but this is possibly a serious sitch. I of course still love him.

I hope everything goes well with you today, and take the time alone to cry if it makes you feel better. I know it makes me feel better sometimes too. I even say things outloud. I feel silly, like I am that crazy person who walks down the street talking to myself but I get all of my feelings out and I feel better.

Take care hun.

Hi Scotland, I'm glad you came over. I truly truly truly understand these feelings. I remember them so well.

Somewhere in life I learned that crying was G-ds way of cleansing our souls. I have come to believe and you may be experiencing right now that bottom of the barrel emotions where you think you tried to do it on your own for so long and you thought you were letting G-d in, but you were completely and this was G-ds way of reaching you.

As silly as it sounds, we are creatures that hate change and I have experienced it's only when the pain to stay or hold is is greater than the pain of the unknown.

Could it be you are frightened, frightened of the unknown, of that future. You can't possibly see how G-d can turn this around if given the time? I certainly didn't. I needed to keep my hands in the mix, even though intellectually I thought I had let go.

I just remember something Mimi, who I MISS very much girl, but Mimi taught me over and over again. The M we know are DEAD. The sad reality is that they have fallen in love with someone else. But we are the connection to light with G-d and that you can't do anything for them now. They are truly in G-ds hands. If you are like me and need to DO something, then continue to pray for them. I suscribed to the Charlene Cares email everyday that gave me the continue direction on how to get through this.

Here is today's sample. I'm not sure if it's fitting or not, Charlyne Cares is a free daily devotional from Rejoice Marriage
Ministries, Inc. sent only to subscribers. If these no longer
meet your needs, you can unsubscribe at the end of the message.
Read back issues from http://rejoiceministries.org/devotion.php
- - - - -

Today's Free Conference Call Information Below -

"Do You Hate Divorce AS God Does?" -

"Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears.
You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your
offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You
ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness
between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken
faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your
marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and
spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly
offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break
faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the
LORD God of Israel." Malachi 2:13-16

Bob and I were watching a sermon recently when the pastor said
very strongly, "Divorce is not an option when you have marriage
problems." We were both praising the Lord for that pastor's
boldness. God hates divorce. So should not all men of God teach
and preach God's Word and what God's will is for His children?

Our prayer every weekend is for pastors around the world to
preach regularly from the pulpit that God can reignite and
rekindle the couple's love in their loveless marriages. Our Lord
can revive dead marriages and then they will rebuild their
marriages and be witnesses about the power of God. Nothing is too
hard for our mighty awesome God to fix especially since God
created marriages. We can stop divorces in our churches if our
Men of God would preach this regularly and have Bible Study
classes showing spouses how to work through any and all of their
marriage problems that will pop up throughout all seasons of all
marriages.

When Bob was gone for over two years, he was talking of a wedding
with the other person. I prayed about what that would mean to me.
We were already divorced when the Lord spoke to me supernaturally
that I was to stand and pray for restoration of our marriage. I
sought my Lord and He spoke scriptures of confirmation that my
marriage was a covenant marriage, not a contract that could be
broken or discarded, regardless Bob's present sinful lifestyle.

Bob and I had both failed in not knowing how to pray and fight
for our marriage. Bob was tempted by the enemy, satan into
sexual immorality. I did not know how to forgive and pray for my
husband daily. I did not choose to fight for my marriage, but
gave up on Bob and on God. I could not see with my own blinded
eyes that my Lord could change Bob's heart, regardless of the
abuse and adultery. Where are you?

What are you facing? Is it alcohol, drugs, gambling or a unsaved
spouse? We Christians must believe in the power of our Lord God
and in His Word.

In one of our concordances regarding Malachi 2:14, (as written
above) it says: "...that Jehovah affirms that though a legal
divorce has taken place and another marriage has been legally
consummated, that divorce did not break the marital tie. The man
is still married to his Hebrew wife, the wife of thy covenant.
The covenant is not broken by divorce and a subsequent
remarriage. It is clear that God regarded marriage to be a
lifelong commitment broken only by the death of one of the
partners." (Liberty Bible Commentary)

Oh, that you and I would believe that every day regardless of
what your spouse is doing, you can walk in faith with your Lord
to touch and change your spouse's heart to bring healing and
restoration to your marriage. You made a vow and a marriage
covenant for life with your spouse. Never give up! Keep praying!

A pastor wrote to a spouse who was in a non-covenant marriage.
The spouse wanted the stander to go to counseling with the pastor
to work out the problems that were arising. With permission from
the pastor we share his reply to a man who had married the other
person:

------------------------------------------------------------------
"It has come to my attention that you are requesting my help to
ease some of the relational tensions you are facing with (wife).
It appears (wife) refuses to 'move on' and could use my help
embracing the events of the past.

"I want to inform you that I will be unable to assist you. I am
pro marriage. Your union goes against everything I believe in
with regards to marriage. The Biblical view of marriage is a
covenant not a contract. In the marriage covenant, individuals
lose their rights and assume responsibilities. (Even if you are
unfaithful, I will remain faithful.) They are forever and binding.

"In a marriage contract, individuals are granted certain rights
and have limited responsibilities. (If you don't do this, then I
will do this.) (Husband) and (wife) have entered into the
covenant of marriage. Even in (husband's) unfaithfulness, (wife)
chooses to remain faithful because she entered a covenant before
God and (husband) to do so. If you want me to help her deal with
your union in a better fashion, and accept (other woman) to be
(husband's) new covenant partner, that would make no sense.

"The (husband) I know of, before his adultery and being found
unrepentant, was an incredible man of character, a leader in his
church, a good husband, and an awesome father. If you turn the
clock back a few years, I am confident that (husband) would
neither endorse nor embrace the life you both are now asking
everyone to accept. I along with (wife) wait for the day that
(husband) returns and is restored.

"I realize that you will consider this judgmental. You asked for
my help and I am pleading with you to return to what you know is
right, not what feels right. In your heart, you know that it is
not right to blow town when (child) needs a father's love. In
your heart, you know it is not right to parade your
unfaithfulness in the church your wife attends. If I ever do
these things, please judge them to be out of my best interest and
out of line with God's will for my life. Do the right thing; be
restored to your families. Be restored to God. I will help you do
this to the best of my ability."

Pastor
------------------------------------------------------------------

What a powerful statement this pastor made to a man who had been
in his church, but who had fallen into the trap of adultery. That
man has a praying pastor and a loving, praying spouse wanting
him "to come to senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who
has taken them captive to do his will." (2 Timothy 2:26)

I pray that this pastor's heartfelt pleas to this prodigal will
touch you so much that you will pray weekly for all Men of God to
have their own hearts transformed to "hate divorce" as God does.
Will you pray that your pastor would feel led by the power of the
Holy Spirit to write a letter to your own beloved spouse how much
they are praying for them? You and I can make a difference in
praying for a revival to come to our churches around the world in
healing, strengthening and resurrecting dead marriages, back into
strong and healthy marries with powerful testimonies of both
couples to share with other married couples. Jesus Christ is the
answer for all marriage problems. Now we need to pray that the
church will become the lighthouse for all hurting marriages so
that they be restored and rebuilt on the solid rock of Jesus
Christ.

Today, regardless of what your pastor, counselor, family or
friends may say, you must seek your Lord for His divine answer
for your own marriage. Yes, it may seem impossible in the natural
eye, but nothing is too hard for your Lord God to do.

You must remember what the entire Bible teaches us about faith,
trust and hope in our Lord God in impossible circumstances. Bob
and I believe that if you have found our Rejoice Marriage
Ministries by God's divine intervention, your Lord God has been
revealing His truths to you, a little at a time, to say in the
end, your marriage is forever and can be resurrected from the
dead!

End....

I went to google and searched for the praying wife and so many prayers came up. I printed them out and said them for weeks on end. And I just simply talked to G-d. Sometime early on I got this message from G-d, and he TOLD me that this was NOT about me and my M, but that my WH was so unhappy with his life and he was blaming me and our marriage on the misery. He TOLD me to stay out of it, it was a spiritual battle between him and my WH and that all I could do was become the woman he always envisioned for me, a Proverbs 31 woman, and to pray. Because in reality we were fighting Satan and G-d needed my help.

So I looked up spiritual battle and I took from it what applied and I reinforced myself in the ways that I needed to and after Plan B was fully in force, I let G-d protect the love I had for my H.

You see the sad reality is, while they are with the women, or are completed wayward in actions and thoughts, you can't convince, fight or cajole them. That NEEDS to happen from G-d. I one day realized that G-d wasn't saying no, he was just saying not yet. I studied the bible, torah, and I came here and just find so much comfort in knowing that what was happening to me wasn't crazy and that there were people who understood my feelings because they were going through so many similarities.

Today... when you think of WH... shake your head and ask G-d to help you give them to him. I tried so many things.. putting him in a balloon and sending it off was one suggestion. I took a stick that represented my WH and threw him into the cold waters. You will intuitively know when that happens because there will be a peace of openness.

Please remember this is YOUR journey. We can give you all the advice, hold your hand etc, but ultimately this walk is with you and G-d. He is your shepherd.

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

And finally I truly recommend a book that saved MY LIFE. It's called G-d is More than Enough. It can be found on amazon.com. It's about psalm 23 and helped me understand what G-d needed from me. I couldn't help G-d with my WH, but I could help G-d with me, and that's what HE wanted all along, because you see.

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in�behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Hugs to you both.

Queenie, Thank you for your response. It was exactly what I needed today and it really made a lot of sense. I am not totally ready to let WH go but I think I am much closer being on here. I am afraid. I am afraid that if I let go, he won't come back. Now I realize that that never had anything to do with me. I have to work on me, which I am realizing I have been doing but not totally. I will get better at this. Sorry to t/j Atena. Thanx

Scot, G-d I was so scared to let go too.

But here's the deal, letting go is giving your TRUST, FAITH and life to G-d. He KNOWS how this ends. I promise you it won't be what you expect or imagine today.

You remember that stupid saying... If you love something set it free, if it comes back it's, yours.... if not....

Work on you, TRUST G-d and just keep your FAITH.

You can do this. If I can, anyone can.

I went into plan B convinced I would never see my H again. Totally and completly convinced.

I think that is one of the hardest things a BS has to learn. We want so much to believe they think of us in any way at all, but the reality is we are nothing to them, it is all about them and how they feel and what they want and the BS not only is not considered, the WS would be surprised should that consideration ever appear.

Lildoggie, I assume you R your M.
That is good news.
I too believe I will never R mine,but see this is not the point of letting go. I think.
I think letting go is practicing to stop out thoughts about our WH and not make them take over our day. It is creating a life without them and liking it. I am seriously not there yet.
And my fear is that I will never be.I am seriosly terrified to make this separation and my H's A the theme of my life for the years to come.
Thank you Queeney, Lil and Scot for your posts. They are very helful. I am just not doing well. I really have to find a place to call home and till I do that I am truly in a panic and a limbo.
Yes, I also fanasize that my H misses me etc...he does not even think about me. When I think that thought my heart freezes. How is that possible? I think R needs a miracle.
blessing

This thread has helped me too. I feel much like you atena, very scared. I start doing better and my brain is flooded with memories. Sometimes when I get my mind off of it I expect him to walk through the door like he always did before. I wish I could wake up and have this all be a nightmare. And my heart also freezes when I snap out of it and realize he doesn't care at all. Sometimes he tells me he cares about me, but then quickly goes back to being cruel. It's hard now because it's almost like he's Plan B-ing me' his lawyer said he can't talk to me.

My H was in Iraq for a year and I learned to be strong without him. It's much easier when you know they will probably come home and you know they love you; or so I thought.

I'm with you though, working on strength. I'm scared of plan B, it will be hard to totally let go.

I guess letting go will not happen till be get over our shock. I am still in shock. I am also "homeless' and that really pays a toll.
I can't even phantom how I can possibly still have feeling for a man like my H. After all he has proven to be no M material and for a while. He has lived the past 8 years we have moved to this freaking country as a bachelor, doing what he most pleased to do and had 2 affairs just for starters. He then blamed me, constantly, for his unhappiness.
I should be happy to have him out of my life. Instead no: I am jelous, I think of him in romantic ways etc..
I think till I let go of this illusion that he is the man I married instead of a son of a B*** then I will never be able to let go!
blessing

I was already doing a form of plan B before I even found MB just to protect myself. Plan B was the hardest thing that I have ever done. At times I was crappy at it and other time I was great. Funny thing is I cried for 2 1/2 hrs and turned everything over to God because I knew He was going to do whatever He wanted to do the day before my H came back. Now I think I just stay in a state of turmoil.

Hi Tracy I read your thread about your H and you R. Hang in there and yes, be firm. Do not let him get away with committing to a well rounded R, otherwise you are in for a long haul of suffering and pain.
Plan B, as I see it, it the beginning of the end. That is why it is so sad to go thru it. In your case, however, there is hope for R, and I do know your story and your H seemed pretty set into leaving...but then things changed.
However, for me, after H second A, I can see a pattern here. A man, my H, who seems hardened into entitlement and indifference. A very selfish person who still blames me for him being unhappy. Now I think with a man like him it is pretty safe to say it is over.
I am going thru the grief of a loss of a love.
blessing

I am also in the same boat as you guys, but I am farther along in Plan B....The pain does not suddenly get better, its kinda like one day you think, wow I didnt think of WH when I went to the store today....Then its like, I havent dreamt about WH in 3 days....Then suddenly you realize its a few days or a week....You notice you do not cry everytime he pops in your head.

But one thing I can tell you is that if I sit and start dwelling on him, I still cry...but it doesnt ruin my whole day like it used too.

And I want to tell you guys that I still havent given up hope...I do feel myself getting there though....my love is almost drained. And that is when I will divorce him and move on, until then I dont feel that I am ready for another relationship anyway. So its not like I am waiting for him, just healing. And if he just happens to come back in that time period, well then I will make the decision then if I even want him anymore.

You guys are gonna be okay...it will just take a while, but I promise it DOES get better.

Stillhere, do you ever see your WH? You have been in Plan B almost 2 years. Has he ever tried to contact you?
I think you mentioned a while ago that your WH see OW but does not live with her (same as mine). These type of As last much longer than the live together type, I think. And when they end the WH is so used to being on his own that the thought of R is no longer that appealing.
It is good you are slowly but surely losing love for H. I hope to get there at some point. My H lives a "resort" type of life. It is like a vacation to him 12 months a year. And now OW, younget and sweet, makes his life even better. I really can't compete and I am at the end of my energies anyway.
Blessing

Yes, unfortunately I do see him when he comes to pick up DS...and yes he always tries to small talk with me, I think just to see if I forgave him yet, but not because he wants me back...

And yes I feel the same as you, WH moved into his brothers condo for free, OW lives and hour away so I think he probably even cheats on her, IDK, maybe not...he lives by himself, comes and goes as he pleases and works...

I dont see my WH as ever giving up his freedom...I truly think he just didnt want to be married anymore...