He sees OW as a victim. Do you? She is no victim she choose to have the A with your H.
You should not come across as wanting revenge towards her but the response your H gave you in regards to you exposing her is quite revealing...he is still wayward at the core...he is still a lyer and a cheater.
I am not a vet here so I do not know what to suggest. Of course exposing OW might cost you your M...but if H is not 100% committed it will cost you M anyway...maybe not now but in a few months/years.
blessing

Am I being dumb again?
Should I risk it, and expose her too?

Comment above is right on point. Your H is not committed to saving your marriage if he is still concerned about feelings, etc of OW. Are you guys in counseling? Highly recommend Christian counseling. But, it doesn't always magically stop A. My H and I went thru 2 different counselors where he said it was over and then I found out each time it was not over. We finally separated and began divorce process and he realized he needed to get himself right with God first before he could talk his way out of losing me and OW both. Your H has to DECIDE to get himself right with God and let God change him and give him the desire and strength to stop A. He cannot do it thru his own will.

[quote=winter1939]
If you exposed her to her facebook friends, for example, you will likely get emails from others who have news of other affairs. That could all be brought out into the open this way.

What do you mean? Do you think she had other affairs too, while she was involved my husband? How will I know that?

What do you mean? Do you think she had other affairs too, while she was involved my husband? How will I know that?

I agree 100%. Exposure is a big part of stopping A. Also, your H needs to REMOVE OW as his facebook friend! No question. You need to get his login and password for FB so you can check activity and his friends.

FBers will respond to your story of the affair with stories of other affairs that she's had.

While most affairs die a natural death in less than two years, there are some that take much longer to die. That's one of the primary reasons that my first rule in surviving an affair is to never see or talk to the lover again -- even if the affair seems to have died a natural death. An affair can rekindle after it seems to be over. And to guarantee complete separation between the unfaithful spouse and the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken, such as providing radical accountability and transparency. In many cases, I've encouraged couples I've counseled to change jobs or even move to another state to help create permanent separation.

Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.

So whether an affair is a one night stand, or has been going on for years, the basic rule for ending them are the same -- extraordinary precautions to guarantee permanent separation. But I will admit that the precautions used for long-term affairs are usually more extraordinary than those used for short-term affairs. I've helped many spouses overcome affairs that have lasted over ten years, but none of them have been easy.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

I would love that to be true, but I don't think it happened in her case... long story, I don't want to go in details here,

I am considering doing the FB thing, I pray to God that this will not kill my chances of R.

If the unfaithful spouse is offended by being exposed, so be it. Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.

First off, your H won't find out unless he is in contact, and secondly, your marriage can survive his temporary anger over exposure. It can't survive an ongoing affair. Your H wants to leave that door open so he can go back some day. *THAT* is the greatest threat to your recovery, winter.