|
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769 |
He sees OW as a victim. Do you? She is no victim she choose to have the A with your H. You should not come across as wanting revenge towards her but the response your H gave you in regards to you exposing her is quite revealing...he is still wayward at the core...he is still a lyer and a cheater. I am not a vet here so I do not know what to suggest. Of course exposing OW might cost you your M...but if H is not 100% committed it will cost you M anyway...maybe not now but in a few months/years. blessing
atena
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 4 |
Chose Forgiveness 9 years ago!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 4 |
Comment above is right on point. Your H is not committed to saving your marriage if he is still concerned about feelings, etc of OW. Are you guys in counseling? Highly recommend Christian counseling. But, it doesn't always magically stop A. My H and I went thru 2 different counselors where he said it was over and then I found out each time it was not over. We finally separated and began divorce process and he realized he needed to get himself right with God first before he could talk his way out of losing me and OW both. Your H has to DECIDE to get himself right with God and let God change him and give him the desire and strength to stop A. He cannot do it thru his own will.
Chose Forgiveness 9 years ago!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 38
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 38 |
He sees OW as a victim. Do you? She is no victim she choose to have the A with your H. You should not come across as wanting revenge towards her but the response your H gave you in regards to you exposing her is quite revealing...he is still wayward at the core...he is still a lyer and a cheater. I am not a vet here so I do not know what to suggest. Of course exposing OW might cost you your M...but if H is not 100% committed it will cost you M anyway...maybe not now but in a few months/years. blessing Yes, he does see her as a victim. He understands that she was part of something wrong and that having an affair is evil, but he believes she did that because she LOVED him, not because she's a sl*t or even a bad person. He said he pursued her for many months before she accepeted to even talk to him in private and that she fell very hard for him. That's his rationale, that's why he doesn't want to hurt her. DISGUSTING!!!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Am I being dumb again? Should I risk it, and expose her too? Yes, you should expose her. There is a huge difference between protecting someone from the consequences of their actions and "hurting" them. Keeping her dirty secret for her protects her from the consequences of her actions. She will be less likely to resume an affair wtih your H - or other married men - if there are consequences for her actions. You are "hurting" her by protecting her from the consequences of her actions. She will never learn and grow from this if you keep her secret. The reason your husband wants to keep it secret is so that he can keep that DOOR OPEN with the OW. So exposing it to everyone will make it much less likely the affair resumes. If you exposed her to her facebook friends, for example, you will likely get emails from others who have news of other affairs. That could all be brought out into the open this way.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 38
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 38 |
Comment above is right on point. Your H is not committed to saving your marriage if he is still concerned about feelings, etc of OW. Are you guys in counseling? Highly recommend Christian counseling. But, it doesn't always magically stop A. My H and I went thru 2 different counselors where he said it was over and then I found out each time it was not over. We finally separated and began divorce process and he realized he needed to get himself right with God first before he could talk his way out of losing me and OW both. Your H has to DECIDE to get himself right with God and let God change him and give him the desire and strength to stop A. He cannot do it thru his own will. We are catholics and are talking to a priest weekly. He does everything he is asked during the meetings, he does all homework and is being very cooperative with me, as long as it doesn't involve "hurting" OW. I don't know what to do.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277 |
Expose her NOW!!
Do not warn either of them, just do it.
Do not tell your husband afterwards, this will test NC.
Me 34 WW 30 Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08. Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08 The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 38
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 38 |
[quote=winter1939] If you exposed her to her facebook friends, for example, you will likely get emails from others who have news of other affairs. That could all be brought out into the open this way. What do you mean? Do you think she had other affairs too, while she was involved my husband? How will I know that?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 4 |
I agree 100%. Exposure is a big part of stopping A. Also, your H needs to REMOVE OW as his facebook friend! No question. You need to get his login and password for FB so you can check activity and his friends.
Chose Forgiveness 9 years ago!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
[quote=winter1939] If you exposed her to her facebook friends, for example, you will likely get emails from others who have news of other affairs. That could all be brought out into the open this way. What do you mean? Do you think she had other affairs too, while she was involved my husband? How will I know that? FBers will respond to your story of the affair with stories of other affairs that she's had.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[quote=winter1939] If you exposed her to her facebook friends, for example, you will likely get emails from others who have news of other affairs. That could all be brought out into the open this way. What do you mean? Do you think she had other affairs too, while she was involved my husband? How will I know that? We had a recent member who did a facebook exposure who received an email back from a betrayed husband who said the OP had an affair with his wife too. [I think one of the facebook friends contacted this BH and gave him the BS' email address] It would not surprise me at all to find out that she was doing someone else's husband too. And she might also have a BOYFRIEND who is on facebook who doesn't know she is a skank. Exposing to these facebook friends would alert any potential suitors that she is a skank.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769 |
Very likely she might have had other A. But this is irrelevant. You should just expose her. AS melody said...they have to live the the consequences of their action. Do not enable her... she is no saint. She is a sl*t. I could have a married man pursue me as much as he wants..but I will tell him to FO and go to his wife...it takes a real sl*t to have a 5 year A with a M man. blessing
atena
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 38
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 38 |
I agree 100%. Exposure is a big part of stopping A. Also, your H needs to REMOVE OW as his facebook friend! No question. You need to get his login and password for FB so you can check activity and his friends. He doesn't have FB. He doesn't like computers and very rarely uses it. He doesn't even answers his e-mails, most times I did that for him.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 38
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 38 |
[quote=winter1939] If you exposed her to her facebook friends, for example, you will likely get emails from others who have news of other affairs. That could all be brought out into the open this way. What do you mean? Do you think she had other affairs too, while she was involved my husband? How will I know that? FBers will respond to your story of the affair with stories of other affairs that she's had. I would love that to be true, but I don't think it happened in her case... long story, I don't want to go in details here, but I really believe she never got involved with other men. I am considering doing the FB thing, I pray to God that this will not kill my chances of R.
Last edited by winter1939; 02/04/10 11:10 AM.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
winter, extraordinary measures have to be taken to recover from long term affairs. They are more entrenched. And this one has gone on so long because of the SECRECY. I really do feel that your H's threats about exposing the OW are so that he does not burn that bridge with her. That way he can keep the door open. You want to burn that bridge, baby. Make sure she is scared to death to even consider taking his call again. The more people who know, the more people to keep them accountable. Here is what Dr Harley said about long term affairs: While most affairs die a natural death in less than two years, there are some that take much longer to die. That's one of the primary reasons that my first rule in surviving an affair is to never see or talk to the lover again -- even if the affair seems to have died a natural death. An affair can rekindle after it seems to be over. And to guarantee complete separation between the unfaithful spouse and the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken, such as providing radical accountability and transparency. In many cases, I've encouraged couples I've counseled to change jobs or even move to another state to help create permanent separation.
Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.
So whether an affair is a one night stand, or has been going on for years, the basic rule for ending them are the same -- extraordinary precautions to guarantee permanent separation. But I will admit that the precautions used for long-term affairs are usually more extraordinary than those used for short-term affairs. I've helped many spouses overcome affairs that have lasted over ten years, but none of them have been easy.
Best wishes Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277 |
Expose! I would love that to be true, but I don't think it happened in her case... long story, I don't want to go in details here, Why it's anonymous?
Me 34 WW 30 Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08. Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08 The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I am considering doing the FB thing, I pray to God that this will not kill my chances of R. First off, your H won't find out unless he is in contact, and secondly, your marriage can survive his temporary anger over exposure. It can't survive an ongoing affair. Your H wants to leave that door open so he can go back some day. *THAT* is the greatest threat to your recovery, winter. Check this out: If the unfaithful spouse is offended by being exposed, so be it. Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769 |
You have to take that risk and expose. Yes H could be upset and want to D but I doubt it. Just do it. Blessing
atena
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 38
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 38 |
First off, your H won't find out unless he is in contact, and secondly, your marriage can survive his temporary anger over exposure. It can't survive an ongoing affair. Your H wants to leave that door open so he can go back some day. *THAT* is the greatest threat to your recovery, winter. Yes, I agree. I think my H wants to keep a door open. I told him that before and he denied it (of course), but as I said, I know him very well. He's afraid that the OW will hate HIM, deep inside he would like her to keep a "good image" about him. I feel very sad. I love my H and I do want to keep my M. I think he wants that too, but it's like her shawdow will be always between us.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688 |
Why are you protecting this A?
Does this "old friend" OW need YOU to cover up her deeds? Absolutely NOT. It will make him angry, who cares what she does... It is a vital step in protecting your M.
This is about you. You setting boundries. You standing up for yourself and M. You being brave enough to tell the truth, simply the truth-- and your desire to recover your M.
You do not have to call names- or give any morbid details. But you must expose. The other woman basically told you to go F-off. Well, it is your turn to have a SAY in your life.
Expose. Expose now. Let your WH deal with his punishment. What the heck did he think was going to happen anyway? DO not protect either of these people from the consequences of their actions. THIS WAS 5 YEARS of YOUR life they conspired to damage/hurt you... You are worried about one hour of exposure?
seriously. Take the advice that has been given to you dozens of times. This will stop a repeat A.
Last edited by barbiecat; 02/04/10 11:24 AM.
Me; W 46 Him; H 46
2 girls DD19 DD16 Dated/Married total 28 years. ..I am learning and working on myself.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
0 members (),
258
guests, and
61
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|